Chapter 64
“Underground?”
As I hesitated without going in, Kim Doyun bent down and pushed aside the branches covering the entrance. Before Seungwoo and I had left, we had piled up branches to hide the entrance in case bad people discovered it. It might have seemed flimsy, but thanks to the dense trees making it dark even during the day, it was hard to notice just by passing by. Kim Doyun checked the slightly exposed entrance to the tunnel and looked inside again, as if recalling my question.
“I’m not sure. I can’t see anything inside. No sounds either… Did you perhaps see some monster in there?”
“No, not here, but elsewhere…”
I pondered for a while how to explain. There was something else that came to mind while listening to Seungwoo’s story. When I was in the village taking turns as a night watchman with the men, I heard about whip-like things shooting out from the ground and destroying buildings. Connecting these thoughts, I understood why the monsters were afraid of the underground. The story I heard back then had gradually faded from my memory since there hadn’t been any earthquakes lately, but hearing about the monsters’ behavior changed my perspective. What were those whips? If they caused earthquakes, could the ground shake again?
Kim Doyun, having heard about the night watch and Seungwoo’s story, folded his arms and frowned.
“A monster even bigger than those that roam at night…?”
“I’m thinking the same. For those creatures to be afraid, it must be something like that… But if it’s something that even those monsters fear, what could be underground? How enormous must it be to destroy buildings and frighten those creatures…”
My mouth went dry with anxiety. I rubbed the back of my hand while staring fixedly at the hole. In my pocket, I had a candle I’d brought along with the children and a lighter I’d kept from the village, but I didn’t dare light them. It felt like if I put my foot into that dark hole, a whip would immediately shoot up and snap at my feet. Was I always this scared? As anxiety and fear made me dig my nails into the back of my hand, Kim Doyun’s hand reached out to stop me.
I watched, mesmerized, as his fingers intertwined with mine and gripped firmly. Following his sturdy arm with my eyes, I found Kim Doyun’s smiling face.
“Don’t worry too much.”
“…”
I couldn’t answer and just bit my lip.
“You look very anxious.”
“It’s not that…”
“I wish I could be someone you could rely on.”
I couldn’t continue and bit my lip again. At first, I wanted to pretend I was fine. Life was already hard enough; it seemed better to act tough than to whine about being scared. But hearing Kim Doyun’s words made my chest feel tight. It wasn’t because I was afraid of whatever was underground…
“There’s no one like you, I…”
I barely managed to speak and hurriedly wiped my burning face with my palm. I felt embarrassed and couldn’t help but laugh. Even the fear that had been racing through my mind quieted down. To hide my embarrassment, I picked up branches that had been spread at the entrance and swirled them on the ground. One hand was still intertwined with his.
I felt confused by these strange feelings—liking yet disliking, disliking yet being happy. The dry branches pricked my palm painfully, but I didn’t stop. I stole a glance at Kim Doyun.
They say people grow up watching the strong backs of their parents. When you’re young, your parents seem like Superman, but as you grow older, you feel sad seeing how small their backs have become. However, what I mostly saw was my father’s bony shoulders as he lay in bed and my mother’s tired back. My father, who had fallen ill right after I was born, had always been sick and asleep throughout my childhood memories. My mother must have been incredibly exhausted, working while taking care of both my father and me. It would have been nice to have someone to help… but my mother had lost both her parents when she was young, and my father had cut ties with his family.
Still, as family, when my mother desperately tried to contact my father’s family to ask them to take care of me even for half a day, they weren’t as accommodating as she had hoped.
‘So he’s sick? How much insurance money will he get? We’re a bit short on money these days…’
Years later, when my high school uniform was rising above my ankles, my mother told me about that phone call. I still remember her occasionally, with her face flushed red from drinking, pouring out the resentment she had accumulated over the years.
That brief conversation revealed why my father had cut ties with his family. Even though I was their son, they didn’t ask what was wrong or how I was doing. Even when my mother offered to give them some living expenses and asked if they could look after me, they were only interested in the insurance money. That day, my mother deleted the number she had painstakingly found. She was scared that if she left me with them, something terrible might happen, and she was frightened by how persistently they inquired about where we lived.
In the end, my mother raised me in the room where my father lay. It was a solution she came up with to avoid any accidents while she was distracted. During the day, I was at a childcare facility, and afterward, I stayed in my father’s room.
With my mother alone supporting three mouths, our finances couldn’t have been good. There were significant hospital bills and miscellaneous school fees as I grew up. If it weren’t for the insurance my father had taken out when he was healthy and the support provided to severely ill patients, we would never have escaped the mountain of debt. Growing up in such a household, when I entered puberty, I naturally started looking for part-time jobs. Rather than expecting someone to protect me, I had to stand on my own.
‘I’m sorry, my son. Let’s hang in there a little longer. Thanks to you, Mom can breathe a little easier.’
My mother’s words made me both sad and happy. Since that was the life I was used to, rather than envying friends with more comfortable homes, I just realized, “Oh, such homes exist too.” My friends’ comforts were theirs, and my life was something I had to take care of myself.
Nevertheless, as we struggled on, we gradually gained some breathing room. My father’s condition improved. It was a miracle. My mother wept, saying sunlight had finally reached our moldy life. Though he had no muscle from lying down for so long and suffered from disc problems and arthritis that made movement difficult, everyone was happy just because the disease that had gripped my father’s life had diminished. To completely rid him of the illness, my parents moved to the countryside, and I stayed alone in Seoul.
The place I found to live on my own was a worn-out studio in an area with poor security. I had no choice as we weren’t well-off. The deposit and monthly rent were surprisingly low. The room had no air conditioning, so it was hot in summer and cold in winter. Still, I thought it wasn’t so bad. My friends also reassured me that it was good enough, patting me on the back.
Staying alone, I worked two or three part-time jobs to cover living expenses and rent. Having lived frugally since I was young, it wasn’t difficult. Rather than being protected within my parents’ boundaries, I thought I should quickly earn money to support myself…
But Kim Doyun kept stirring up my feelings. He poked at my tender flesh, telling me I could rely on him when I was uncomfortable with protection. Unable to admit it, I comforted myself, saying it was a misunderstanding, and attached easy, understandable reasons. Because he’s handsome? Being handsome is nice. I’m human too, with eyes that appreciate good things and smile at pretty things. But he dug deep into me and crawled in, beyond just that.
“Seongho.”
Kim Doyun stared at me. With eyes concerned about whether I was ill, since I was just staring without responding. My trembling breath burst out without a chance to be held back.
After my parents moved to the countryside, it was okay to be far apart. Just a phone call was enough comfort. I studied while working part-time jobs, my mother worked day and night, and my father was occasionally hospitalized. Since it had always been hard to see my parents’ faces, it was rather good to hear their healthy voices. But now there are no people, no parents. It’s a world where I can’t even hear a voice to rely on. I believe and pray that my parents weren’t caught up in this incident since they were in the countryside, but…
“Is it difficult? Should we go back?”
A gentle hand wiped away the tears forming in my eyes. The tears fell onto his large, firm hand. Unable to bear my increasingly flushing face, I raised my arm to cover it.
So, falling for Kim Doyun in this chaotic situation was inevitable. The initial resistance I felt towards his protection was just a struggle in an unfamiliar situation. As I gradually got used to it, I came to rely on his kindness, and now…
“Doyun.”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t be so kind to me.”
“…Why?”
“Because I’m misunderstanding…”
I pressed my lips tightly together. It’s because of you. Because of you. I swallowed back a sigh that couldn’t escape. Patting my shoulder, gently comforting me, embracing me, holding my hand… Making eye contact. Not just once, but continuously, until now. Thanks to Kim Doyun completely exposing everything, only tender flesh remained.
I should have kept thinking it was a misunderstanding, should not have realized. Now that I understood everything, it was even scarier. Looking straight at my heart, now expectation kept popping up its head. Wondering if Kim Doyun’s kindness might be somewhat similar to mine, if not exactly the same, then at least in the vicinity.
What if it’s not?
“…”
Kim Doyun remained silent in response to my words. It must be perplexing for him too. He was just being nice to a comrade worried about monsters, and suddenly I’m telling him not to be kind, mentioning misunderstandings. The sigh I had been suppressing burst out loudly.
“It’s nothing. We need to get our things, right?”
In the end, I had no choice but to pretend everything was fine. I took out the candle and lit it. Sitting on the ground, extending one foot into the dark hole, I spoke:
“This hole is a bit small. Even I found it tight and hard to crawl through. I think it would be harder for you, so could you wait here? I’ll go inside, gather anything useful, and push it over to this side. Please collect them first.”
As I tried to insert my body inside without looking at Kim Doyun’s face, suddenly my arm was grabbed and pulled up.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
