Kalix wanted to try now. He didn’t know if it would work out, but with Alexander there, it seemed like it would be okay somehow. Kalix had no confidence, but Kalix trusted Alexander. So if Alexander gave a definite answer, that would make it okay.
“Got it, baby.”
At the words tinged with laughter and the warmth touching his cheek, Kalix frowned.
“Then don’t touch me.”
Just now, Alexander had made sounds about raising Kalix or something.
“If I’m a baby, then did you touch a kid who wasn’t even fully grown like that?”
Pressing their lips together like that, and while not letting Kalix touch him at all, he had touched Kalix himself. At Kalix’s question, Alexander hesitated for a moment, then soon answered.
“CC is all grown up.”
At those words, Kalix nodded and glanced around cautiously, then quietly nestled back into his embrace. Now it’s really okay to touch first. Still not quite believing it, as he held him quietly, Alexander gently stroked Kalix’s hair.
“What made you so upset?”
At that calm and gentle question, Kalix carefully chose his words.
“It’s not that, it’s just that I like you, and you know all of that. I don’t think anything you do is scary, and I don’t dislike it either. You know all of that, so why did you say those things?”
After speaking, he almost seemed pitiful again despite himself, but Kalix lifted his head and looked straight at Alexander.
“Sasha, you said it yourself. That it was okay for me to do anything to you.”
He wished this moment could look even a little bit cool, but it probably wouldn’t. He had cried a lot, so his eyes were still hot and his head felt a bit foggy. On top of that, maybe because he kept being held and petted, he felt drowsy for no reason.
“You too.”
Kalix interlaced his fingers with Alexander’s hand that was tidying his hair.
“I like anything if it’s you too. Sasha, you can do anything to me.”
It wasn’t exactly meant to be touching, but somehow Alexander’s expression was subtle.
“Those kinds of words…”
When he looked puzzled at those cut-off words, Alexander immediately said:
“No. Right. Thank you.”
When Kalix leaned against Alexander again, Alexander opened his arms and embraced Kalix just as he had been doing.
“But when you say it like I can’t, then I don’t know what I should do.”
Remembering that he had made Alexander say such things, made him think such thoughts, made one corner of his heart sting. He wanted to make sure it would never happen again. Alexander wasn’t someone who suited being hurt, so he hoped there would be no reason for him to hurt.
“Really?”
As he quietly embraced Alexander’s waist and leaned against his shoulder with his eyes closed, Alexander’s voice continued.
“Then you could have just said it like this, so why did you cry? So sadly.”
At those words, Kalix lifted his head to look at Alexander.
“You don’t look upset.”
And even when Kalix cried, Alexander had smiled. He didn’t look upset.
“That’s separate from being upset.”
But if Alexander said so, then that’s how it was, so Kalix nodded. Besides that, it was obvious that there were probably many times Kalix had made Alexander upset. Kalix had just been upset by himself for no reason, but Alexander had probably been upset quite a few times because Kalix had been mean to him. Still, Kalix had just been hurt by himself for no reason.
“Sasha, do you like blonde hair?”
Thinking about that made him wonder again. Come to think of it, he hadn’t answered earlier.
“I like your hair color.”
Though having his lips pressed to Kalix’s hair was quite thrilling, Kalix still asked.
“I asked if you liked blonde hair again, so why do you keep deflecting?”
“I don’t like it. I like your hair color much more.”
At those words, Kalix finally felt relieved. Hair color wasn’t something he could do anything about. At least if he said he liked brown hair, Kalix’s was black too, and since they were both dark shades, he could argue that they looked similar enough in the dark, but blonde was too different. Still, since he said he didn’t like it.
“CC.”
“Yeah.”
Kalix answered obediently and burrowed into his embrace again. Before, Kalix wasn’t allowed to touch first, but now it was different, so he kept wanting to touch. Besides, back then they had kissed but hadn’t really held each other. Maybe that’s why being warmly embraced like this was especially nice.
“Then can I say just one thing too?”
That was natural, of course. Kalix nodded.
“Let’s throw away the bouquet.”
When he nodded again, perhaps because Kalix’s hair kept tickling his neck, Alexander gently smoothed Kalix’s hair back.
“And if possible, don’t talk to other people when I’m not around.”
“I don’t usually talk much anyway.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Kalix had never been good at talking to anyone other than Alexander, even from the beginning. He didn’t know the people from when his body was taken over, but still, he had no idea how things might change. Besides, after continuing to be with Alexander, he just felt indifferent no matter who tried to talk to him.
“Don’t make eye contact either.”
This tender voice belongs to Kalix. Because Alexander said so.
“Just look at me.”
Because Alexander said he belonged to Kalix.
“Got it?”
Alexander’s sentences always had clear endings, so his questions often didn’t sound like questions. But when they reached Kalix, it was different. The end of his voice was infinitely soft.
“I was already doing that.”
“I see.”
In that relaxed atmosphere, Kalix spoke as if complaining.
“You already knew that.”
At Kalix’s words, Alexander carefully caressed Kalix’s nape as if soothing him.
“Still, you didn’t tell me.”
Kalix quietly closed his eyes and tried to answer those words. Because, why he didn’t say anything was…
“The flower expo…”
Calmly. Rationally, he had to speak. This time for sure.
“Hm?”
“The expo, the flower expo, there. There, flowers,”
He couldn’t understand at all why he always acted like this when trying to talk about this. His voice trembled again.
“In summer, that’s when it’s held.”
Kalix finally took a slow, deep breath. It was still okay for now.
“Really? Should we go?”
“No, that’s not what I mean, what I’m saying isn’t that,”
Kalix continued speaking, trying to maintain a facade of calm.
“I mean, going is right, but.”
The end of his voice trembled again. Alexander obviously knew. Sure enough, as if sensing it, the hand that had started patting his back made his heart grow softer and softer.
“There, buying a bouquet.”
In the end, as soon as the word bouquet came out, tears came again. Even though everything had been resolved well.
“But today because of the bouquet, so, so I ruined everything.”
He had had a plan. Kalix really liked Alexander, and he hoped Alexander wouldn’t think of him as irresponsible. So he had planned everything. He hadn’t been trying to pretend not to know. Really.
He wanted to say more, but his voice was choked with tears. As he buried his face in Alexander’s shoulder like that, Alexander lifted Kalix’s head up.
Then he immediately kissed him all over his face. Gently and soothingly on his nose tip, his cheeks, around his eyes, and sometimes the corners of his mouth too. As he quietly received these small kisses, he felt like he could speak a little more.
“So what I’m saying is.”
“Yeah.”
“When summer vacation comes, everything will be okay, that’s what I said.”
“Yeah.”
Every time he spoke, Alexander kissed him here and there again.
“So I heard that there’s a flower expo held during summer vacation, and that couples go there a lot.”
Alexander now didn’t bother to reply, but just waited for Kalix’s story that kept breaking off and rambling incoherently.
“I was going to go there with you, buy the prettiest bouquet, and then give it to you while asking you to date me.”
That had made him so upset.
“But then.”
Whether it all showed on his face, Alexander pulled Kalix close and held him in his arms. Kalix wasn’t upset that he couldn’t make a proper confession, but was so upset that Alexander didn’t get to receive a decent confession. Alexander should have received a more romantic, pretty confession in a good atmosphere, not such a messy confession like this.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
