“Cayden, I am……”
Assad’s voice was gradually being consumed by the increasingly rough sound of rain.
I should have listened to Lihet’s warning. I went outside unnecessarily and ended up getting caught in the rain. I couldn’t even blame the fierce raindrops that had completely soaked me in just a moment. After all, it was none other than myself who didn’t heed the warning.
“It’s raining.”
“……”
“If you continue standing in the rain like this, you’ll catch a cold. So please go back. We can negotiate after the rain stops.”
Cayden smiled.
“I won’t make it take long. I have no intention of numbering conditions or asking for compensation… Don’t worry, I can disappear whenever Your Highness wishes.”
As if asking to be released, Cayden placed his hand over Assad’s hand that was holding him.
Assad gave no answer. He didn’t let go of Cayden. Assad’s hand tightened like a snare around the man trying to escape from him. It was because he had unconsciously applied force.
“There won’t be any negotiation.”
Assad said in a subdued voice.
He seemed angry. But Cayden couldn’t understand why Assad’s voice had grown cold. Fearing the sudden rising anxiety, Cayden bit the inside of his mouth.
“Cayden. You cannot take a single step outside the imperial city. Not without me. You know that.”
Assad said, completely closing the distance between himself and Cayden. His golden eyes, devoid of their usual warmth, were cold as ice.
“I’m sorry, but there’s no choice. For the rest of your life… you must stay by my side. Where my eyes can see you, where my hands can reach you. It has to be that way. Okay?”
His monotone voice sharply stirred Cayden’s heart. Stay by his side? Cayden’s face gradually darkened as he repeated Assad’s words to himself.
“I don’t understand why someone who changed his appearance because he didn’t want to see me… who volunteered to be my companion… now wants to keep me by his side.”
“I don’t understand either.”
“……”
“But it has to be that way.”
Cayden met Assad’s sharp gaze. And he felt empty.
Assad was wandering between conflicting desires. He was holding onto Cayden without knowing why he was doing so. Looking at Assad like this, Cayden could only think of one thing.
It seemed the Crown Prince, who had embraced an omega for the first time, had at least liked his body. The young master had been the same. Hadn’t he said Cayden was a person whose only usefulness was his body? He had said nothing would change after marriage, that he would keep Cayden by his side and continue to seek him out.
Whether his conjecture was an overreaction or not, it was just ridiculous. Feeling a sadness that shouldn’t be his share, Cayden frowned.
“I know that in Helio, only the Empress can stay by the Emperor’s side. You were the one who told me this fact, Your Highness.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Are you saying that I… of all people, will become the Empress?”
Cayden asked. Immersed in dejection, he spat out a twisted question. It contained a sharpness that couldn’t even come close to Assad’s heart.
“Yes.”
“……”
“I will make it so.”
All the royal family knew that he was a three-year bride, a Crown Prince’s consort in name only who would hold the position only until a new bride arrived. Yet Assad had said such things.
Cayden found it hard to believe Assad’s words. It was as unbelievable as the fact that Assad had been Amun.
“No matter how much the gods may desire it, I know that someone like me… cannot sit in such a noble position.”
“……”
“Such a thing might happen. As in the stories people love, if the Emperor and Empress… if the two people truly love each other.”
Cayden used the word ‘love’ that he had learned from Amun. Not the stiff pronunciation of Elba’s ‘love,’ but Helio’s ‘love’ that wrapped softly around the tongue.
“But Your Highness……”
In the end, Cayden couldn’t continue. It was because of Assad’s expression as he stood before him.
Love. He had only uttered that one word. He hadn’t even finished his sentence properly. Yet Assad’s face hardened as if he had heard something terrible. It looked as if he felt repulsion toward the word ‘love’ that Cayden had briefly mentioned.
Cayden felt as if all the blood was draining from his body. Only after a long while could he finally mutter the last words he hadn’t been able to finish.
“Because Your Highness doesn’t love me. For me… such a thing won’t happen.”
It was just one sentence, but his heart ached. The expectations he had unconsciously built up, expectations that had now become mere delusions, collapsed in an instant.
Everything that had happened during the rainy season felt like a strange dream.
The brief illusion he had harbored now seemed terribly embarrassing. Cayden was ashamed. He cursed himself as stupid for having felt happiness while spending nights with Assad.
Love, adoration. It was fortunate that he hadn’t revealed his feelings to Assad in the end. He had merely mentioned the word love, and Assad had coldly hardened his face as if displeased. What if Assad had discovered his feelings? He would have truly hated him.
Cayden smiled. Better to smile foolishly than to cry unsightly. So he smiled.
Cayden recalled once more the imperial language he had learned in front of Amun. ‘I love you.’ Amun had clicked his tongue saying it was too inappropriate an example and had changed the textbook.
Inappropriate. That word was right. Because I will never be able to say I love you in my lifetime. Because I should never say it.
Perhaps it was fortunate to learn everything this way. It was a good thing. Better to be driven away knowing everything than to be driven away knowing nothing.
In the heavy silence, Cayden caught his breath. He couldn’t think of anything more to say. Nor could he think of anything he wanted to say. His head was just dizzy.
“I will… go back now.”
Cayden removed Assad’s hand, which had lost its strength. The hand that had held him like a trap before he mentioned love fell away without resistance. The warm hand that had always clung firmly to him now let him go as if without regret.
“I will come see you again later.”
Cayden said. He needed time to organize his thoughts. The same would be true for Assad. That’s what Cayden thought.
His eyes, wet from the rain, stung. After roughly wiping away the moisture with the back of his hand, Cayden turned around and walked away. His body felt heavy, like someone thoroughly drenched in rain.
Assad did not hold Cayden back. For a long time, he stood in the rain watching the receding figure of his bride. After an even longer time had passed, he stared at the place where Cayden had departed.
“Why… have I continued to do such stupid things, what am I hoping for… what do I want to do, I don’t know either.”
Left alone, the Crown Prince sank into heavy questions. Through his mind, swirling with that absurd word ‘love,’ appeared the face of his wounded bride.
〈Because Your Highness doesn’t love me.〉
Assad wanted to refute Cayden’s words. But he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t open his mouth to catch the end of Cayden’s words, nor could he grasp the hand of the one trying to leave. He couldn’t even selfishly embrace him.
“I love you… such things shouldn’t be said. Because it’s a wrong emotion, a distorted word.”
The angry raindrops tapped on Assad’s lowered shoulders. Whether this was the god’s comfort for his excuse or a rebuke, Assad couldn’t tell.
He wanted to chase after Cayden. He wanted to embrace the wounded man, kiss him, and ask him to trust him just once more. He wanted to kneel before his bride, not the god, and offer explanations. He simply wanted to humbly accept his world that had been turned upside down in Cayden’s embrace.
But Assad couldn’t do it. In the confusion, foggy as mist and dark as night, he hesitated, unable to move forward.
“Still… I can’t let you go.”
After muttering this, Assad closed his eyes. Regret, something he had never felt before, embraced the Crown Prince of Helio.
* * *
Helio became dry again, as if it had never been wet with rain. The sky was cloudless and clear, and the sun, white as the moon, caressed the world very brightly, sometimes painfully warm.
Cayden was alone in the middle of the Garden of Light. Sitting quietly by the artificially created pond, he took in the sparkle of the water’s surface reflecting the sunlight.
Amun… had introduced the Garden of Light to him, saying it was a space where brilliant beauty was hidden. Belatedly, Cayden was able to empathize with Amun’s words.
However, even gazing at the light-filled pond became unbearably boring as it continued for too long. Cayden closed his eyes and dropped his head weakly.
He needed to return to the annex palace. If he was absent for too long, people would worry. Since he had adamantly refused Lihet’s company, saying he only wanted to take a walk alone, he had to take responsibility for those words. He didn’t want to waste time having people look for him with no news, as had happened just the day before yesterday.
Let’s go. Having made up his mind, Cayden sluggishly got up from his seat.
He found the neat walking path and stood on it. But his steps wouldn’t easily move forward. He kept walking just three or four steps before stopping, then repeating the pattern. Though he had only moved a little, fatigue washed over him.
He didn’t want to return to the annex palace, to the west wing. He didn’t want to face the silence waiting for him in the bedroom. He wanted to buy a little more time.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
