#60
Tarzan and Jane were Swingin’ on a vine1)
Sometimes, like a kind of intuition, people can be filled with strong conviction.
Although it’s just a vague assumption, the premonition that it might come true came as an emotion similar to ‘hope’, whispering in my heart that it might be okay. The big speculation that started from a small fact was unbelievably sweet.
Even though I tried not to get excited, my brain, which had already entered a positive thinking circuit, kept trying to catch Saheon hyung’s small actions. For example, it was like this:
A kiss that said he didn’t know what to do because I was so pretty. Me, trying to stop him as he kept kissing until my cheeks turned red, worried that he might notice my flushed face. The phone he showed me while holding me preciously in his arms, telling me never to think about leaving again. For some unknown reason, a chat window saved as ‘Mung-seon Daewongun’ full of missed call logs.
The guess that it might be okay returned as a heart-fluttering thrill. It felt like the confession “I like you, hyung” would come out between my lips at any moment.
But what barely held back my emotions, which were clearly more intense due to the early morning, was the thin thread of reason that remained.
What if it wasn’t okay to confess? Naturally, the cold winter of my seventeen-year-old self came to mind. Before entering high school, when hyung said he was going to the United States for training, I, feeling urgent, confessed without thinking.
I didn’t want to make the same mistake as last time. It took years to reach the current amicable relationship. I didn’t want to drift apart from hyung and go back to how things were before.
Like a racehorse with blinders on, focusing only on one goal, I might have been seeing only what I wanted to believe. With my thin thread of reason holding onto reality, I managed to stay calm. I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with hyung because of my impatience.
So, as I received hyung’s kisses that said he loved me, I steeled my heart.
This time, I decided to find evidence that it would be okay to confess.
CHAPTER 06.
Tarzan and Jane were Swingin’ on a vine
: Tarzan and Jane were swinging on a vine
“Cheongmyeong, wake up. You need to eat.”
I felt a familiar voice and touch. I, who had fallen asleep unable to resist drowsiness while cuddling in hyung’s arms and chatting about this and that, made a whining sound as if throwing a sleepy fit.
“It’s seven o’clock. Mom and Dad need to go to work now. You need to get up. The curry was delicious. Hurry.”
A cold hand with moisture still on it touched my cheek. It was the method my mother used to use to wake me up during my school days. I half-turned my body to avoid the damp hand, but then suddenly opened my eyes as I realized I had fallen asleep using Saheon hyung’s arm as a pillow last night.
Due to suddenly opening my eyes, the edges of my blurry vision were spread like light. I frowned and endured the oncoming headache. Through my blurry vision, I could see my familiar room and my mother with an expression of relief that I had finally woken up.
I quickly lowered my gaze. My hands were tightly gripping the blanket. It was in the same position as when I fell asleep, but the difference was that my arms were hugging the blanket, not Saheon hyung.
Feeling unnecessarily embarrassed, I curled my hands inward. While I was relieved that my mother, who had entered the room, hadn’t caught me sleeping tightly embraced, I was curious about where Saheon hyung had gone.
I got out of bed while pressing down on my messy bed hair. Perhaps due to the familiar bed, my body felt very refreshed.
On the dining table, there were three bowls of curry. They seemed to be for my parents and me. Still half-asleep and in a daze, I sat in my familiar seat and picked up a spoon.
Since my parents had been working double jobs since I was young, breakfast time was the only time our family could gather. Feeling a strange emptiness despite the familiar number of bowls, I realized there was no portion for Saheon hyung.
“Where’s hyung?”
My voice was hoarse, probably because it was morning. While pressing down on my floating bed hair with my left hand, I started mixing the curry with my right hand. My father, who had taken out the leftover chive side dish from the refrigerator and sat down, said:
“Seemed like he was rushing out somewhere early in the morning.”
I tried to maintain a calm face, but a memory was surfacing in my mind. It was the experience of greeting the morning alone when Saheon hyung and I first had a relationship.
The faint feeling of being left alone in the world from last night became distant like a dream memory. My expression naturally darkened. It felt like my resolution was shaking from the very beginning.
“Is it for work? But seeing that he came here, it doesn’t seem like it. Was he called away urgently?”
“No. His clothes were the same ones Cheongmyeong gave him yesterday. Maybe he’s going for a morning workout.”
As I listened to my parents’ conversation, I scooped up a spoonful of bright yellow curry. If there hadn’t been anyone in front of me, I would have wanted to shake my head vigorously to clear my mind. Instead, I expressed my feelings by chewing the food roughly, making a clicking sound.
Father said that Saheon hyung was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. If that’s the case, he probably didn’t go to work, and if it was home wear, he probably didn’t go far, so where did hyung go?
“Maybe he went next door?”
Mother came up with a plausible answer. It was an answer that both Father and I could sufficiently understand at the same time. Father nodded and continued:
“That could be. Maybe he’s eating there.”
“I left some for Saheon just in case.”
While pretending to have no interest and filling my mouth with food, my ears were catching information about Saheon hyung. It was a skill that could be naturally acquired as the period of unrequited love extended.
The combination of rice grains and fluffy potatoes that filled my mouth matched very well. As I munched on the delicious curry that I had made myself, I started collecting what my parents were saying about Saheon hyung.
“I wonder if Saheon isn’t tired. He came to our house right after his flight, and now he’s going out at the crack of dawn.”
“I hear pilots need to have good stamina. Still, it’s impressive.”
“It felt good to all be together after a long time. They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, and now it feels quiet again. Come to think of it, it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen Chaehun too.”
“He’s busy with work, so it can’t be helped. I heard he might be promoted to manager this time. And he’s bringing a girl he wants to marry.”
“Already? Well, how old is Chaehun this year? Thirty… thirty-four? He’s three years younger than Captain Kwon. They say people get married later these days, but I guess it’s about time.”
When they mentioned Chaehun hyung’s girlfriend, a memory came to mind. I had opened my mouth wide to put in curry, but quickly closed it. Because I closed my mouth without cooling the food, the roof of my mouth was completely burned. I had to quickly gulp down cold water.
“Are you okay?”
Mother asked worriedly. With tears slightly welling up in my eyes due to the hot rice grains, I quickly shook my head and answered with an unclear pronunciation.
“I’m fine.”
“You should eat carefully. I heard from your aunt that they’re thinking about October this year. After Chaehun goes, I wonder if Saheon will go soon too.”
“Captain Kwon… how should I put it. Maybe because he’s a free spirit, I can’t imagine him after marriage.”
Father answered cheerfully with a hearty laugh. Mother also laughed and agreed. It seemed like I was the only one not amused in this situation.
“Right. He doesn’t seem like the type to settle down, but I feel like he’d be faithfully good at it if it happens.”
“Ah, when I went to Captain Kwon’s house to drop off Cheongmyeong last time, it looked like a newlywed home. It seemed like if he just had a girlfriend to marry, they could move in and live there right away.”
I could feel my expression darkening, but I didn’t have the leisure to manage it. It felt like my determination to find evidence that it would be okay to confess to Saheon hyung was already becoming shaky, not even 24 hours after I made the decision.
As the emotions of dawn receded and reason regained its place, it whispered that I had made a stupid thought. With my appetite completely gone, I aimlessly stirred the half-finished curry.
“He might already have someone he’s thinking of marrying, but hasn’t said anything because hyung isn’t married yet. Saheon is handsome, so he’s probably popular… Cheongmyeong, have you ever seen hyung’s girlfriend?”
Hyung’s girlfriend? To me, hyung’s girlfriend was an existence that shouldn’t exist. Faced with this difficult question, I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not knowing how to answer. The awkward gazes focused on me were interrupted by the timely sound of the doorbell.
“Is it Saheon?”
Father, who had almost finished his bowl, got up and headed towards the intercom. The ringing doorbell sound only stopped after the sound of the door lock turning.
“You’re here?”
“Yes, were you having a meal?”
A longed-for voice was heard, and then a gust of cold air from outside rushed into the kitchen. The sound of Saheon hyung approaching with big, unhesitating steps could be heard. My heart was beating fast with inexplicable anxiety.
“Have you eaten? Oh my, what’s this?”
Mother, who had been speaking kindly, opened her eyes wide. There was a basket entering my field of vision, which had been fixed on the bright yellow rice. I slightly turned my eyes. Hyung was placing a fruit basket, the kind you’d only see during holidays, on the empty space on the table.
I gathered a bit more courage to turn my gaze to Saheon hyung’s body. Hyung was wearing ordinary outdoor clothes that I didn’t know when he had changed into. Dressed in a black turtleneck and dark jeans, Saheon hyung looked like he could pass for a college student.
“I’m sorry for suddenly visiting. There were no open marts, so I bought this at a convenience store. It’s a bit shabby, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t have to… We have to go to work now with Cheongmyeong’s dad, so we’ll eat it when we get back. Ah, will you be here until dinner today?”
“I’m sorry. I think I’ll have to leave right after eating…”
Saheon hyung let out a somewhat troubled laugh. Father waved his hand and replied.
“No, it can’t be helped if it’s for work. Have you eaten?”
“Thank you. I ate at home. Oh right, Cheongmyeong. They said to show my face before I go.”
“Yeah. I’m done eating.”
I quickly got up from the table, glad to escape from the question I didn’t want to answer. Mother also looked at the clock and had a surprised expression.
“When did it get this late? Cheongmyeong’s dad, we need to go.”
My parents, who had to leave at a set time as office workers, hurriedly finished their meals. As my parents left for the bathroom to brush their teeth, only hyung and I were left at the table. Saheon hyung naturally pulled out the chair where father had been sitting and took a seat.
“Did you sleep well? You woke up early.”
Hyung’s hand reached for the back of my head. While pressing down on my messy hair, he chuckled as if something was funny, making me wonder if I had forgotten to remove my eye boogers. I pretended to rub my eyes while touching around my eyes. There was nothing there.
“Yeah… You woke up early too.”
I glanced sideways at the bathroom where my parents had gone. The door of the living room bathroom was open as they were hurriedly brushing their teeth. Saheon hyung looked at where I was looking, smiled slightly, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear.
“We didn’t have our morning kiss.”
He must be crazy. I opened my eyes wide and slapped away hyung’s hand with a shocked face. Saheon hyung still had a mischievous smile as he whispered once more.
“Quickly.”
The sound of brushing teeth was mixed with the sound of running water. I shook my head slightly, barely noticeable, indicating that it wasn’t okay. Saheon hyung whispered in a plausible voice.
“If not now, we’ll get caught.”
Hearing hyung’s words, it felt like we had to do it now or never. But I quickly came to my senses. It was something we shouldn’t do from the start.
“No.”
“No?”
“…Later.”
“When later?”
“Later, later…”
“So when exactly later?”
Saheon hyung came closer to me with each word he uttered. His curving lips were approaching, looking like they could kiss my forehead at any moment. Unable to do this or that, I glanced sideways at the bathroom. At that moment, the sound of water suddenly stopped.
Somehow, it seemed like hyung wouldn’t care about others’ gazes even if all the relatives were gathered, let alone my parents. I hurriedly blurted out an answer without even knowing what I was saying.
“Later… When parents are not around… As you like… Do as you please…”
“As I please?”
Hyung chuckled. My ears, which had become sensitive enough to detect even the slightest sounds due to surprise, could guess my parents’ actions. I could hear the sound of slippers being dragged.
My parents, who were wearing outdoor clothes so they could leave for work right after brushing their teeth, didn’t seem to notice the strange atmosphere at the dining table. While fastening their coats, my parents turned to us with words of caution.
“Go home safely. Contact us after you leave. Often. Do it often.”
“Don’t fight and get along well, you two.”
Somehow it sounded similar to what I hear during holidays, but before my thoughts could continue, my parents quickly left for work. Saheon hyung greeted them with a picture-perfect smile.
“Have a safe trip.”
In the place where my parents had left for work, a post-storm-like silence remained. I suddenly felt the reality of the new semester. The sound of the door lock engaging was heard. Saheon hyung, who had been watching the front door lock with his chin resting on his hand in a pose like from a fashion magazine, turned his head towards me with a slight smile.
“They worry a lot.”
“Y-yeah…”
“Mother-in-law, really.”
[Footnotes]
1) Tarzan and Jane were Swingin’ on a vine:
1.In this subtitle, Vine is interpreted as a grapevine. ‘Grapevine’ has the meaning of communication that takes place through unofficial, secret channels, and if you interpret Swingin’ as ‘shaking’, it implies that a secret place is shaking. = Implying sexual intercourse.
2.In the lyrics of Candyman, Hollywood & ‘Vine’ is the place where the speaker first had sex.
3.This is my personal interpretation, but along with the above meanings, from the lyrics about swinging on a vine, I got the impression of ‘two people pushing and pulling each other’, which is why I used this subtitle.
