#99. The Only Heart (6)
[Guys. I really don’t understand this.]
[No matter how I look at it, they seem to like each other, so why aren’t they dating yet?]
[Look at this guys.. (photo) (photo) (photo) (photo)]
[Even with all this, how can JihanSeowoo not be dating? Does that make sense??ã…¡ã…¡]
â”” Hmm. Still shipping JihanSeowoo healthily today.
â”” Calm down, they’re secretly dating ã…Ž
[No! Just clearly! Publicly! Confidently! Date so everyone can see!]
â”” This is what it looks like when you open your eyes too much like a CP shipper and end up shouting at your bias to throw away their professional duties and walk into a fire pit
└└ ã„´ã„´ I don’t think soã…‹ã…‹ They say that but actually hate it when official content feeds them
â”” Hmm, a typical idol fan
[Ah whatever whatever just date already, you two like each other so why aren’t you dating]
“It’s not such an easy problem though…”
I let out a deep sigh and leaned my head back while sitting on the floor. When I closed my eyes and put strength into my throat, I felt my voice flow out smoothly without pain – “Ahhh.” I didn’t feel any stiffness in my fidgeting legs either.
Everything had recovered as if all my previous suffering had been a lie. Thanks to that, I could prepare for what lay ahead without any problems, and nothing could make me feel more proud than this.
The year had changed. We had each aged another year, and after a brief rest period for reorganization, we had begun preparing for the concert in earnest.
Once my condition recovered, my motivation was boiling more than ever before. This was especially true because I knew fans had been worried about me constantly since my injury.
I wanted to do better. I wanted to become an object of admiration rather than worry. Rather than constantly apologizing or explaining reasons, I wanted to show and prove myself through my skills.
So someday I wanted to hear those words. That it had to be me. That they were truly glad it was me. That I was the only one who could protect Arcus.
Perhaps it wasn’t such an impossible dream. I was doing my best and accomplishing things one by one, step by step.
Everything was going smoothly, as if I had left all the big and small misfortunes behind last year. Except for just one thing.
That one thing was…
“How’s your one-sided love going?”
Startled, I snapped my eyes open to find a familiar face filling my vision upside down.
It was Bae Dojin.
“Hello, sunbae.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen the lights go off in Arcus’s practice room for the past few weeks. You are going home though, right?”
I nodded and smiled faintly.
“Of course.”
“I would have worried if you were alone… well, the other hubae are there too.”
Bae Dojin extended his hand to me with a matching smile.
“Want to get some fresh air for a bit?”
I had been wanting to rest anyway, so I readily nodded at his suggestion to go down to the cafe to buy something to drink.
“You don’t have to buy for me, sunbae. We have our group card.”
Group card. It was a card that the company charged monthly with a certain amount so affiliated artists could use the facilities within the building. Originally, leader Ahn Haesol should have managed it, but it had ended up in my pocket along with nagging to drink something when I was alone.
Bae Dojin, who had been walking beside me, let out a small laugh at my words.
“I have one too, a group card.”
Of course he would. He’s the leader of Days…
“Still, let’s have you treat me, Seowoo. It would be a bit awkward for a sunbae to mooch off a hubae.”
It wasn’t that he meant for me to buy, but I nodded instead of arguing, got a cup of warm chamomile tea, then moved to the rooftop garden.
“But sunbae.”
“Yeah?”
I looked around carefully in case anyone might overhear, then lowered my voice.
“Why did you suddenly ask about my one-sided love?”
A cheerful voice answered my question.
“You look like you’ve lost weight. Isn’t it going well?”
“What does my one-sided love have to do with losing weight?”
“You’re not denying it. So you did lose weight?”
“…A little?”
As soon as my leg had healed, I suffered for a few more days with tonsillitis, and I had lost weight dramatically enough that even I could feel it.
Maybe that’s why Ahn Haesol seemed to worry every time he stood in the kitchen. A few days ago, when I passed by and glimpsed his laptop screen, his recent search history was displayed.
‘Making nutritious food’, ‘High-calorie food recommendations’, ‘How to gain weight’, ‘Nutritious meals that kids eat well’…
‘You know what, Seowoo hyung? There are apparently cafes where parents who are trying to get picky kids to eat gather. Haesol hyung joined one of those too.’
‘…’
‘If you feel sorry, eat dinner properly tonight.’
‘I always ate properly…’
‘…That?’
“Arcus is doing well too, and from what I see, concert preparations seem to be going fine. The trainers say Seowoo’s vocals are no joke these days. Looking at how you walk, your leg rehabilitation seems to be going well too.”
“…”
“But if you’re still losing weight and looking a bit dejected, I figured the cause of your worries was probably that childhood friend who’s your one-sided love target.”
When I could neither confirm nor deny and only made a groaning sound, Bae Dojin playfully tapped my shoulder.
“I can understand the situation, counseling shouldn’t be too difficult. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Well, Jihan…”
Maybe because I’d never confided something like this to anyone before. I needed a bit of time to find the right words.
“He said he’d try liking me.”
“Huh?”
Bae Dojin asked with a puzzled expression.
“Not that he likes you, but that he’d try liking you? Why?”
“He said he doesn’t like that I have a one-sided love.”
I moistened my throat with chamomile tea and continued.
“He said since mutual love causes less heartache than one-sided love, he asked if I disliked the idea of him liking me.”
“That’s possible?”
“He wouldn’t have said that if it wasn’t possible, right?”
“So what did you answer?”
“…I said I didn’t want to date with that kind of feeling?”
“And then?”
“He said he’d think about it.”
The worry that had been mine alone eventually spread to Bae Dojin as well. We spent a long time drinking our respective beverages while worrying with the same expression.
“It’s strange, isn’t it.”
I spoke up.
“If Jihan likes me, I’d naturally be happy. Because I like him. If he’s going to like me anyway, mutual love would be better than one-sided love. But is it too greedy of me to dislike this kind of approach?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to advance a relationship with such uncertain affection either.”
Bae Dojin nodded with a serious expression.
“It is interesting though…”
He seemed to have memories he wanted to revisit as he remained silent for a long while before speaking.
“When someone says they like you, you usually choose one of two things. Reject them, or accept.”
“That would be right. If you don’t have feelings you reject, if you do have feelings you date, right?”
Bae Dojin asked quietly.
“What if hubae Jihan already likes Seowoo?”
“If he likes me, he should say he likes me, what’s this about trying to like me?”
“Maybe he can’t clearly distinguish between them.”
He added that he couldn’t completely understand either since he didn’t know well himself.
“Your relationship isn’t ordinary. It’s far from typical friendship.”
“…That’s true.”
“Love doesn’t only consist of romantic feelings, which makes it more confusing. There are various types, right? There’s companionship and familial love too.”
That’s true. I also needed time to clearly recognize that my feelings for Na Jihan were romantic feelings.
“From what I can see, hubae Na Jihan already seems to like Seowoo, but I think he’s having a hard time distinguishing romantic feelings from the enormous emotion he has.”
“Do you think so?”
I hope so. How nice it would be if Na Jihan’s feelings were actually the same as mine, and he just lacked the sense for romantic feelings, meaning we just needed time between us.
But worry ultimately meant the answer wasn’t predetermined and was uncertain. What if the conclusion turned out to be the complete opposite of my hopes? It was difficult to completely erase that anxiety.
It would be wonderful if our hearts matched perfectly in similar forms, but if they couldn’t…
“I think it might be cleaner to give up.”
“That’s the right thing to say.”
Bae Dojin nodded repeatedly.
“Friendship is stable. Romance is, if you really think about it, right? High risk, and high return. And we’re in a profession that’s particularly incompatible with that risk.”
There was a subtle implication that even if we worked out, we’d have to be conscious of our job as idols.
I let out a small sigh and said,
“I know. That giving up would be easier. That’s why I’ve tried countless times, but it doesn’t work as I want. Just when I think I’ve calmed down and gotten better, sometimes my feelings grow too big to control.”
As I talked, I remembered a previous conversation I’d had with Bae Dojin. Even the great Bae Dojin had said he’d experienced one-sided love.
“How was it for you, Dojin sunbae?”
“Me?”
“Yes. Since you said you’ve had a one-sided love before. Was it easy when you gave up? Was there a trick or something?”
“A trick…”
When I turned my head, Bae Dojin was staring intently at me. Even though it was a face I’d encountered often for over a year now.
“There’s no such thing.”
Bae Dojin saying that looked exactly like someone I was seeing for the first time today.
“That’s why my one-sided love is still ongoing.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
