#100. The Only Heart (7)
Bae Dojin’s voice kept circling in my head all the way back in my dazed state.
‘What you’re suspecting is right. That person is you, Seowoo.’
‘…Sunbae-nim.’
‘Mmm. To make excuses, I’ll say I originally had no intention of confessing like this.’
He seemed a bit relieved as he revealed it had been quite an old fondness.
‘From my perspective, it’s a matter of time for you two. Even if it doesn’t work out that way, your feelings are solid.’
‘Right? Just because Jihan doesn’t like me doesn’t mean I want to date someone else.’
Only then did I understand what Bae Dojin had said before. That he didn’t have confidence he could make room for himself in the other person’s heart.
To him, somewhat unfortunately, those words were true. Even after hearing his confession, I remained the same. I couldn’t see him in that way at all, and therefore couldn’t give him any possibility.
‘You’re right. It would be clean and comfortable to give up. The flaw is that it’s a bit difficult to do… I think it’ll get better with time.’
‘…’
‘But it felt regrettable to just let it pass without saying anything. It’s selfish talk, but I wanted you to know.’
‘Know what?’
‘That I was good to you because I liked you.’
“…Seowoo-ya.”
‘I tried to be kind because I like you.’
“Yoon Seowoo.”
At the clear voice piercing through, I quickly raised my head. Na Jihan’s face had come close within arm’s reach.
“What are you thinking about so hard? I called you several times but you didn’t answer.”
“Oh…”
“Are you hurt somewhere?”
Before I could answer, his hand suddenly approached. Affectionate and meticulous touch felt my forehead and neck and cupped my cheeks.
Even knowing it was excessive behavior, I didn’t want to stop him, so I obediently waited as he did what he wanted.
“You look fine.”
“Of course. I’m perfectly fine.”
My fever had gone down and my voice was coming out well. My leg was completely healed so now I could even run down three stairs at a time.
However, my words that I was perfectly fine weren’t one hundred percent sincere. It was because of what happened that night when I was suffering from tonsillitis before the new year. More precisely, those kisses that continued several times just wouldn’t leave my memory.
Though he said it was a good excuse to help, actually both he and I knew that was an absurd statement. If someone other than Na Jihan had acted that way, I would have thrown a punch, and Na Jihan also knew he would never have acted that way if someone other than me had been lying there.
The reason “because we’re friends” no longer fits. We cross that petty line too often.
“Did something happen at the company?”
Na Jihan’s face asking that showed faint anxiety.
Na Jihan’s attitude, who already disliked being separated from me, had become even more excessive rather than improving after debut. It was because incidents of me getting hurt while he briefly looked away had repeated several times.
Some incidents were due to my carelessness, and others were due to others’ malice. Since many problems that left my hands were unavoidable for him, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t frustrated, but…
“It’s okay.”
Still, I didn’t want Na Jihan to become anxious because of me. We couldn’t be attached every moment, and I didn’t want that time to keep stimulating his bad imagination.
“Nothing special happened. I went to vocal lessons in the morning, practiced alone in the afternoon, met Dojin sunbae and then came back. That’s all.”
“Bae Dojin… sunbae-nim.”
Na Jihan cleared his throat and glanced at me.
“What did he say to you? Did he treat you badly?”
Though he corrected the honorific, he couldn’t hide the subtle hostility contained within. Still, the silence between “Bae Dojin” and “sunbae-nim” had noticeably shortened, which was praiseworthy.
“No, he was good to me. We just got some fresh air and talked a bit. We had tea at the cafe on the first floor.”
“Why did you have him buy it? You have a group card too. You could have paid separately.”
He doesn’t even say to let him buy it. That was so very Na Jihan-like.
“That’s right. That’s how it happened.”
He sat down next to me on the bed and said.
“I told you not to follow people who say they’ll buy you something delicious. What if a stranger lures you out and does something bad?”
“Am I seven years old? And he wasn’t a stranger, he was a company sunbae.”
“Actually, acquaintances are scarier.”
“Hey.”
The reason for complaining despite obviously knowing he wasn’t that kind of person was probably because his feelings toward Bae Dojin weren’t good. That attitude, which had continued since he showed hostility saying Bae Dojin would like me, had hit rock bottom after the incident where his cousin pushed me down the stairs.
“He didn’t do that though…”
Thinking about Na Jihan’s attitude, I suddenly realized his intuition wasn’t entirely wrong.
‘From what I can see, that guy likes you.’
“That’s right.”
“Hm?”
“Jihan. You were right.”
I was wrong and you were right. I just saw people in a good light, and you saw accurately so you were on guard.
Acknowledging my small defeat, I looked at Na Jihan and said frankly.
“Sunbae said he likes me.”
“…”
“I got confessed to.”
Actually, Bae Dojin’s words were a bit inappropriate to call a confession. Rather than a confession, it was closer to an admission, and looking at his attitude, it was more accurate to see it as a simple explanation or clarification.
Not “I like you” but “I did that because I like you.” His refreshing and relieved attitude, satisfied with just conveying that his kindness and favor had reasons, seemed far from wanting any answer from me.
“What did you answer?”
Na Jihan’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.
“He confessed, saying he likes you. You wouldn’t have just come back then. You must have said something to him.”
Instead of answering, I stared at him intently. He looked just as anxious as when he asked what happened while he was away, no, several times more anxious than that.
Why are you curious about my answer? This is between me and Bae Dojin anyway.
“I didn’t answer.”
More precisely, there was no need to. Bae Dojin was someone who knew the answer I didn’t give. He wasn’t particularly curious about my answer, and going further, didn’t particularly want to hear it.
No matter how well you know the answer, confirmation can be painful. So I also chose the kindness of silence. It was the only reciprocation I could give to Bae Dojin.
But Na Jihan’s misunderstanding was faster than my explanation of that fact. He frowned and asked.
“Did you say you’d think about it?”
“…”
“Are you at the stage of wondering whether to date Bae Dojin or not?”
Pushing aside the words trying to explain that wasn’t the case, a question suddenly popped out.
“Why do you hate that?”
“…”
“Because I said I like you? Because you said you’d try liking me so I wouldn’t be heartbroken? You don’t dislike anything about me, but you hate that I’m trying not to like you?”
Na Jihan hesitated for a moment before answering.
“Well… it’s probably as you say. I know it sounds strange. But it’s not a lie. I just said what I was thinking.”
“I know. I never thought it was a lie. I’m saying this because I’m worried, but I’m not upset.”
“…”
“But, Jihan.”
I repeated the action of clenching and opening my hands on my knees several times before murmuring.
“Now think about the reason.”
“Reason?”
“Yeah. The reason.”
My face was reflected completely in his black pupils.
“Why do you want me to keep liking you? Why are you curious about what I answered sunbae?”
“…”
“I said I’d take time to give up on you and return to friendship, so why did you tell someone like me that you’d try liking me?”
“That’s because you like me…”
“We could be friends if left alone, right? As you said, love isn’t an emotion that would make me particularly happy, and you’re the person who knows that fact best.”
“…”
“Setting aside such a clean ending, why did you try to be the one to move instead of me?”
Yoon Seowoo had worried about Na Jihan for a very long time.
“I think it’s your turn to find the reason now.”
So now it was time for Na Jihan to worry about Yoon Seowoo.
“Na Jihan. What am I to you?”
I asked him to give a more accurate answer to this now.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
