#95. The Only Heart (2)
It wasn’t that I disliked dating Na Jihan. Rather, it was so good that I wondered if I could dare to hope for something like this.
However, there was a problem that needed to be addressed separately from that.
“Saying you like me because you hate that I have unrequited love… where does that kind of logic come from…”
Coming to like me and liking me for my sake might sound similar at first, but they were worlds apart.
“Feelings of love aren’t something you can control just by trying.”
Na Jihan looked at me steadily without even blinking.
“And it’s not an emotion you can be so calm about either…”
He didn’t seem to fully understand what I was saying, but he nodded as if he would try to accept it for now.
“Okay. I understand.”
His warm breath melted softly into my palm.
“If this isn’t what you want… I’ll think about it a bit more.”
The awkward silence continued all the way until we returned to the dorm. I glanced at his face, which looked serious to the point of being grave.
‘He must be thinking about it in his own way.’
The desire to be together for life while clashing as little as possible wouldn’t be mine alone.
I was fiddling with a newly borrowed book when Na Jihan’s calm voice came flying over.
“But, Seowoo. You said you don’t like me anymore.”
“…Huh? Yeah.”
He tapped the steering wheel with his index finger and said.
“You said feelings of love aren’t something you can control by trying.”
The moment I saw Na Jihan’s eyes holding the dusk, I had no choice but to realize that my absurd lie had been seen through.
* * *
“Ah, it’s finally over.”
That was exactly right.
Today, Christmas Eve, this year’s official schedule had completely ended. We even finished the year perfectly with the achievement of a Rookie Award.
Even Joo Lee Seon, who rarely complained, said this much.
“We’re finally getting something called a break period too.”
I, who had been gazing out the window, chimed in.
“That’s right.”
Precious rest was given to us who had safely completed our busy schedule.
We should rightfully be happy since we could finally take care of our tired bodies and minds, but I couldn’t feel completely at ease about being happy. That was because I could no longer avoid my worries by hiding behind the excuse of being busy.
“Ugh. Isn’t it too quiet in the car?”
Perhaps sensing something different from usual in the silence filling the van, Hapil Jae deliberately spoke in a bright voice.
“Manager hyung. Can’t we turn on the radio? There’s a channel that does something fun around this time…”
The answer came not from Na Hyeonjun in the driver’s seat, but from Na Jihan sitting next to me.
“No.”
“Eh? Why? Then what about connecting my phone to play music? I have a really good Christmas lo-fi jazz playlist that’s perfect for listening to these days.”
When I turned my head slightly, I met Na Hyeonjun’s eyes through the rearview mirror. He smiled with a somewhat troubled expression.
“Sorry. That would be difficult too.”
Confusion and bewilderment appeared simultaneously on Hapil Jae’s face as he sensed the unusual atmosphere.
In the end, I, the cause of this situation, had to step forward myself.
“Sorry. It’s because of me.”
It was entirely because of me. That Arcus didn’t do a Christmas commemorative stage. That curtains were often drawn on the van windows so we wouldn’t look outside. Even that the car, which used to play music often, had been awkwardly quiet for several days straight.
“I don’t really like Christmas.”
After saying it, it sounded like an excuse, so I smiled awkwardly.
“That day is my mother’s death anniversary.”
Since I brought it up, I wanted to finish the story, so I continued calmly.
“So, about that. I’ll probably be away later. I think I’ll come back after finishing tomorrow’s schedule. Is that okay?”
Hapil Jae asked in a slightly surprised voice.
“Where are you going, hyung? Ah, to see your mother since it’s the death anniversary? Going early?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going with Jihan hyung?”
Na Jihan glanced back at me. He looked ready to follow along eagerly if I just asked him to come.
“No. I want to be alone today. I think I’ll meet Jihan briefly tomorrow.”
“Hmm…”
He ruffled his faded red hair roughly with his hands and said.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know, but I was being insensitive.”
“It’s okay. I should have told you earlier, but I couldn’t, so I’m the one who’s sorry.”
I hadn’t planned to keep it secret forever. Considering that Na Jihan, Na Hyeonjun, and I would all be away on Christmas, I should have said something much earlier.
But the reason I hesitated and kept putting it off was because I hated this subtly solemn atmosphere. I felt sorry for spreading the burden on my heart, which should have been mine alone, to the people I cared about.
“Take an umbrella, Seowoo.”
Ahn Haesol said in a calm voice.
“Tomorrow the weather will get warmer. So it’ll probably rain instead of snow.”
It was a coincidence. It had rained on Christmas the year my mother passed away too.
The van, which had been rolling slowly through the blocked roads, arrived at the dorm. I went straight up to the second floor and packed for about a day’s stay away. Since all I packed was a pre-prepared suit, spare underwear, and one book, it was a bit embarrassing to even call it luggage.
“Are you really going?”
When I turned around with my bag, I saw Na Jihan leaning against the doorframe.
“It’s late. Can’t you just sleep at the dorm and leave early in the morning with me?”
Since it was that time of year, he seemed to dislike leaving me alone.
“Or let’s go together. I’m worried about you being alone.”
“I want to be alone.”
I slowly shook my head.
“It’s not something I should depend on you for forever.”
“Yoon Seowoo. We’re not strangers, so why suddenly…”
“I’m not being formal.”
I said, looking up at Na Jihan who seemed anxious somehow.
“If there’s some distance between us, maybe I can give up this unrequited love even a day sooner.”
Since I could clearly see what Na Jihan would say with his sullen face, I smiled gently and added.
“Feelings don’t work according to effort, but we can’t stay in this ambiguous state forever either.”
“……”
“Rather than you coming to like me, it seems like a much better choice for us if I give up these feelings and return to being friends.”
Then Na Jihan wouldn’t need to try to like me. Rather than receiving affection forced out for my sake, being satisfied with an especially close friendship seemed like a better choice.
Even if it was cowardly, I couldn’t help it. Of course Na Jihan was more important than love.
When I gestured toward the door, Na Jihan stepped back to make space for me to pass. Even though his face showed he hated to move aside, he seemed unwilling to upset me given the timing.
Still, he couldn’t just let me go, so before I got completely far away, Na Jihan carefully took my hand.
“Yoon Seowoo.”
His long, firm fingers gently slipped between my fingers. When he clasped our interlocked hands tightly and applied gentle pressure, my sharply tensed nerves eased a bit and I could breathe.
“Contact me if anything happens.”
“……”
“You can contact me even if nothing happens.”
I don’t know why that voice, which came so close, sounded so desperate.
“I’ll come if you just call.”
It sounded like he was saying that no matter what happened, he would be on my side.
“I really hate leaving you alone…”
“……”
“Just for today, your feelings are more important than my stubbornness. So I’m giving in.”
After hesitating for a moment, I smiled slightly at him.
“See you tomorrow.”
“……”
“Instead, let’s meet early tomorrow morning.”
On my mother’s death anniversary, I hold a simple memorial service around sunrise. It’s just among family, so he can’t enter the columbarium, but that doesn’t mean visiting the grave itself is forbidden.
“Come pick me up.”
I think I’ll want to see you.
The moment I said that with that feeling, our clasped hands were pulled sharply. Soon a strong embrace that made me dizzy wrapped around my entire body.
“I’ll come as soon as the sun rises.”
Don’t worry. There’s nothing to worry about.
“Promise me you won’t cry when I’m not there.”
Hurry, at the urging sound, I had no choice but to finally answer with a small laugh.
“I’ll try.”
As soon as I got in the taxi heading to the hotel, raindrops began to wet the car window diagonally.
It was a cloudy Christmas.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
