#94. The Only Heart (1)
“Right. It’s better for you two to move together.”
The members nodded in agreement with Na Jihan’s opinion.
“I need to go get my roots dyed, and Lee Seon hyung said he has something to ask the AR team about. Haesol hyung is…”
“I’m being called by the CEO for a bit. Can I ask Jihan to do it?”
“Yes.”
Na Jihan shrugged as if stating the obvious.
“I brought the car anyway, so we’ll move in my car. That kid Seowoo probably has books to return too.”
“How did you know?”
“I can tell just by looking. So, aren’t you going to get on my back? If you don’t want to be carried, just like usual…”
“…I’ll get on your back. I was going to!”
I quickly bent down and wrapped my arms around Na Jihan’s shoulders. If I didn’t, I knew he would definitely lift me up in his arms like usual.
Throughout our movement to the shower room, changing room, parking garage, and then to the library, Na Jihan carried me on his back. Even though I wasn’t the only one who had gone through hours of grueling training, he didn’t show even the slightest sign of being tired.
Seeing him silently climb even the stairs leading to the library made me feel somewhat sorry.
“I can walk this much.”
It had been a week since my cast was removed. It wasn’t completely healed yet, so my ankle and knee would ache if I overdid it, but it wasn’t to the extent that I couldn’t walk up stairs.
Yet Na Jihan showed no intention of putting me down.
“I know. I know, but I’m just being stubborn.”
“…”
“You were stubborn too. So let’s call it even.”
Na Jihan had wanted me to keep the cast on for about one more week, but I refused, saying it interfered with practice. It was also a rare day when Na Jihan gave in to my stubbornness, because I needed to show a good performance in the consecutive schedules.
“That’s petty.”
“If it’s petty, then don’t make me worry.”
“…I wanted to do this stage together. I don’t like sitting alone by myself.”
“You don’t even like dancing that much.”
“That’s a separate matter.”
Choreography was still the area I was least confident in. Just keeping up with the outstanding members was overwhelming enough. My skills didn’t improve steadily just because I worked hard, so I didn’t feel much sense of achievement either.
“But I still want to do well.”
However, choreography is essential if you want to get on stage. If dancing was one of the countless reasons fans like us, that alone was reason enough to work hard.
“You’re always so diligent. That’s so like Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan smiled softly as he adjusted his hold on me.
His voice scattered gently in the cool breeze. That somehow felt regrettable, so I leaned my cheek against his shoulder and hugged his solid, warm body a bit tighter.
Then the slightly awkward silence I had grown somewhat accustomed to circled between us.
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan, who had almost finished climbing the stairs, asked me.
“How did you end up liking me?”
It was unexpected. Since he had never brought up that topic once after my confession, I thought he wasn’t curious about it at all, let alone wanting to talk about it.
When I didn’t answer right away, he pressed again with an “Hmm?”
“What? Why no answer?”
“I’m not sleeping.”
I wiggled my toes and answered.
“I was just… thinking. About what kind of answer you wanted to hear.”
“What are you talking about? I’m just asking because I’m curious about you.”
Instead of going directly into the library, he set me down on a deserted bench. Then he sat down next to me, placed my legs on his thighs, and began pressing firmly on my knees and ankles.
“I wanted to ask at least once. Today just happens to be that day.”
“…”
“Just tell me your story.”
With both legs completely surrendered to his touch, I wondered whether I should say the words that were dangling at the tip of my lips.
‘This is why I like you.’
Because you’re this kind of person, I had no choice but to like you.
But that wouldn’t be a sufficient answer. His question included not only the reason for my feelings but also the catalyst.
After thinking for a moment, I answered.
“I liked you because you’re you.”
The biggest premise of my feelings would start from those three syllables – Na Jihan.
“I don’t really know when I started liking you. I just came to my senses and found myself already liking you.”
Perhaps my love began from when we were very young, from when memories didn’t exist yet. I became an adult by giving names one by one to this raw and only heart directed toward Na Jihan.
“It must have been a long time.”
“It has been a long time.”
I smiled slightly and added.
“The phrase ‘overnight’ doesn’t suit you and me at all.”
“Now that you mention it, that’s true.”
The touch pressing on my ankle, stiff from hard practice and the cold weather, was utterly gentle.
Na Jihan pretended to focus on the massage again while lost in thought. I didn’t know if my answer had been sufficient explanation for him, but I thought it was something that at least he wasn’t displeased with my feelings as absurd.
After a brief silence, Na Jihan asked.
“Then do you still like me?”
My eyes met his as I looked up in surprise. The hand that had traveled up from my ankle along my shin was gripping my scarred knee.
The moment I realized how close we had become without leaving even a span of distance, my heart began racing like crazy.
“…No.”
There couldn’t be any persuasiveness in a voice that barely squeezed out, but still.
“I don’t like you anymore.”
I had to say that. Because I promised I would.
Love wasn’t an emotion worth expecting. Even if you were once inseparable, I hated the idea of becoming worse than strangers just because you no longer loved each other. I was even more reluctant because I had been severely cut by the cross-section of such broken relationships.
Because you also wanted me not to love anyone because of someone like me, it might have been selfish to have unrequited love on my own.
So someday I would have to give up, that’s what I thought with my head, but…
“Then you wouldn’t be happy even if I said I like you.”
“What?”
Ironically, my heart sinks at just those words. Some emotion that surged up without warning made my breath catch and my vision dizzy.
“…What did you just say?”
That was anticipation.
“Do you like me?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure.”
Na Jihan answered in a voice lost in thought.
“I’ve been thinking about it in various ways. Ever since you confessed to me like that.”
“…”
“Why do you like me? How did you come to like me? It wouldn’t be simple curiosity. It wouldn’t be impulse either, and it definitely wouldn’t be a mistake. You’re not the kind of person to do that, and you would never do that with me.”
He was right. During the long time I liked him, I verified my feelings in every possible way. Thus, undoubtable, clear love remained within me.
“I still don’t really know what the feeling of liking someone is. Since it’s a problem I’ve never thought about, I can’t give a clear answer just by thinking about it for a few days.”
His thumb moved slowly over my clothes. Following the traces of my scars from my knee to my thigh. As if he could never forget even when covered by the thickest clothes.
“But if you can’t give up on me, I thought it might be a less heartbreaking path to have it reciprocated rather than unrequited.”
“…”
“Would it be cowardly if I said I want to try liking you for that reason?”
I stared at Na Jihan with a dumbfounded expression.
I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. So was this a question or a confession? It was puzzling whether he was saying he liked me or not.
Was he teasing me? Or testing me? His face was too serious for that. He even looked determined, as if he had made some important resolution.
“No, first… Na Jihan. Jihan.”
I pressed my throbbing temples and asked.
“My confession, you didn’t hate it?”
“Not at all. Why would I hate you? I just thought, I want to do whatever you want as much as possible.”
It was one hundred percent sincere. Well, that guy would have said something like it would be comfortable if I liked him.
“It wouldn’t matter, would it?”
Na Jihan spoke to me with an utterly serious attitude.
“I was okay with kissing you. I want to spend my whole life with you. There’s no one as important to me as you, and you don’t have anyone better than me either.”
“…”
“So…”
My body moved faster than I thought. I urgently reached out and covered his mouth.
“I don’t want to…”
“…”
“I don’t want to date you with that kind of feeling.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
