- Between Us (5)
It was close enough to hear each other’s breathing.
In the silence, Na Jihan looked into Yoon Seowoo’s eyes. His bronze-colored pupils were warm yet calm as always. It seemed like he was saying that such noisy internal worries had already passed through once.
“I know too.”
Yoon Seowoo whispered softly. Na Jihan lowered his eyes and looked at the faintly moving lips.
“You think our relationship would be safer if you remained in a moderate relationship with me, and you’re right about that.”
“…”
“I also know there are far more reasons why we can’t work than reasons why we could. That’s why I’ve tried to give up several times…”
He couldn’t finish his words completely. The continuing words were swallowed up into Na Jihan’s mouth.
Hot, humid breath leaked from inside the slightly parted lips. When he greedily sucked in the tongue that wrapped around him softly, the body that had stiffened in surprise trembled finely.
But Yoon Seowoo didn’t pull away. He just responded to the kiss with his eyes tightly shut. Stroking the nape of his neck that had warmed while sleeping with his fingertips, Na Jihan was captivated by a base satisfaction.
The breath that panted not knowing what to do, the body heat that had risen considerably, the hand gripping his collar and all those actions that didn’t avoid the kiss.
Because it seemed like despite your words about trying to give up, it revealed the feelings that still remained.
The impulsive kiss gradually deepened. Like rolling down a slope and gaining momentum, or like sparks on dry straw spreading larger and larger.
Their bodies pressed close enough to hear each other’s heartbeats, and their interlocked hands pressed firmly against the glass wall.
Why? Na Jihan thought as he stole and swallowed all of Yoon Seowoo’s precariously leaking breaths.
I’m clearly attached to you, you’re in my arms, I’m touching you. But why does it feel like you’re getting farther away? Why is the anxiety inside me growing?
How should I explain this thirst?
“Ji, han… mmph, hm… Na ji, na, wait…”
“…”
“…Just a moment.”
When their lips separated, panting sounds continued for a while. The long, neat eyelashes visible up close were slightly wet.
When he let go of his struggling, Yoon Seowoo pushed Na Jihan’s shoulders firmly with both hands. Though he wasn’t particularly inclined to, he allowed himself to be pushed back for now, and Yoon Seowoo curled up his body and finished catching his breath.
Na Jihan knelt on the practice room floor and took in the sight of him. Slightly disheveled hair, cheeks flushed with heat, shoulders heaving faster than usual. When he glimpsed the white nape and slender wrists, it seemed like a tingling sensation gathered under his tongue.
Seowoo. Na Jihan called his name carefully and secretly.
You said it. That your feelings weren’t friendship. That they weren’t friendship, but emotions that had grown since some point and had now become bigger.
What if I’m the same as you? What if I’ve also come to want to deny the question of whether we’re really just friends, like you did?
What if it wasn’t okay because it was you, but good because it was you? What if I wanted to seriously consider something instead of luring you out with an appropriate expedient?
If so…
“It seems okay.”
Na Jihan’s busily rolling thoughts stopped abruptly at the small voice.
“I guess if this is repeated, I might get used to it too.”
“…What?”
“Kissing you, I mean.”
Yoon Seowoo, who had raised his head, looked up at Na Jihan and said,
“At first I thought my heart would just burst.”
“…”
“Now it doesn’t seem quite that much… mm, yes. It seems okay.”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
“So don’t overdo it.”
Na Jihan moved his lips and mouthed soundlessly. The words he was about to say were blocked and didn’t reach him. He felt absurd.
That it’s okay. Don’t overdo it.
Yoon Seowoo, are you okay with this? What exactly are you telling me not to overdo?
I’ve never forced anything on you.
“You brought a lunch box.”
Yoon Seowoo turned his body away from him.
“Just a moment. I’ll go to the bathroom and get some drinks from the vending machine.”
Even after he left the practice room, Na Jihan kept guarding that spot. Kneeling on the floor and looking at the glass wall, he thought about what had just happened to him and what he had done.
The change that occurred as if dropping suddenly soon became ripples spreading in all directions. The regular succession of tremors was just like a heartbeat.
If it were simply ripples that rose and disappeared, they should gradually slow down, but the change that came to him wasn’t like that. It became clearer and faster.
Yes. That was the problem. His heart was still beating rapidly and noisily. So much so that the pounding sound was clearly audible in his ears.
What had been filling up and surging overflowed in an instant. Along with the sensation of something spilling over, Na Jihan’s question marks began changing to periods one by one.
“…Ah, this.”
Na Jihan bumped his forehead against the glass window and muttered,
“Am I fucked?”
His past words, actions, and today’s impulse stretched out like a panorama. It felt not just stupid but even absurd.
‘Crazy bastard. What was I thinking…’
Still, this kind of worry is meaningless. I must have acted like this because I wasn’t thinking.
I’m just starting to grasp the clue, but you say even this becomes familiar so it’s better than the first time.
Na Jihan, who was busy soothing his noisy insides, didn’t notice. The fact that Yoon Seowoo’s ears and nape, who had spoken as if calm, were dyed bright red.
Also the fact that he, who had said he was just going to buy drinks, didn’t return for quite a long time.
* * *
“Jihan hyung.”
His vision darkened and something cold touched his forehead. It was an ice pack wrapped in a thin handkerchief.
“Let’s rest a bit.”
“Shall we?”
It had been three hours since he’d been modifying choreography while checking with his body. It was about time his stamina would run out.
Na Jihan lay flat on the practice room floor with the ice pack Joo Lee Seon handed him on his forehead.
“Where are the others?”
“Seowoo hyung is doing vocal practice, Haesol hyung is in a meeting, and Hapil is…”
“Hapil is?”
Joo Lee Seon answered with an amused voice,
“He says his roots are getting too dark to bear.”
“Ah, hair dyeing. It would be good to do it soon.”
“I don’t like it.”
Joo Lee Seon lay down beside him and complained playfully,
“When that hyung comes back from dyeing, the room smells like hair dye all day.”
“That can’t be helped though…”
“That’s right. It can’t be helped.”
Joo Lee Seon, who laughed softly, looked down at Na Jihan.
“Is something wrong?”
“Huh?”
“You seemed to have something on your mind.”
Does it show? Na Jihan rubbed his face with the hand not holding the ice pack.
“At first I even misunderstood whether you and Seowoo hyung had fought… but looking again, that didn’t seem to be it. There’s not really any reason for you two to fight anyway.”
“It’s not easy to fight with Seowoo.”
Na Jihan continued in a deliberately firm voice,
“If someone seriously fought with him, the problem is with the other person.”
“Haha.”
“What? I’m not joking.”
“I know. So what is it? If it’s not fighting with Seowoo hyung, what could be so serious for Jihan hyung?”
“Mm.”
It was a somewhat ambiguous problem to confess honestly. Na Jihan, who had been fidgeting with his nape, tilted his head slightly.
“Did it show a lot? Enough to interfere with practice?”
“Not at all.”
Joo Lee Seon waved his hands saying that wasn’t the case.
“There’s no problem with concert preparation. Hyung always does well anyway. You’re our group’s center and pillar. But you just looked a bit darker than usual.”
Joo Lee Seon’s words were slower than usual, as if he was choosing appropriate words.
“I’m personally concerned. We met as group members, but we’re still family.”
Having said that much, it was awkward to just brush it off saying nothing was wrong. Na Jihan, who had been thinking for a moment, spoke in a careful tone.
“Um, so. To put it simply… it’s like this. Someone wanted something from me.”
Joo Lee Seon nodded.
“But I didn’t have exactly the same thing, even though I had something similar. I didn’t want to disappoint them, so I asked if it would be okay to give them something similar instead…”
“If something similar would have worked, they probably wouldn’t have wanted it in the first place.”
“Right. Now that I think about it, that’s true.”
Na Jihan’s low laughter mixed in.
“But they know too. That I’m not someone who can give exactly the same thing. They must have known I’m not the type who can be delicate like that. So they seem to be gradually giving up their expectations of me…”
Yoon Seowoo’s words about giving up were carelessly wandering through his heart, giving him a rough sensation.
“But I think I’ve developed that. No, I have.”
What Yoon Seowoo said he’d give up on. And what Na Jihan realized at that moment.
Na Jihan had been worrying day after day about the direction of those emotions and relationship.
“What do you think you’d do, Lee Seon?”
“Well. I think I understand what hyung is worrying about. What if the other person doesn’t want it as much as before, has it become meaningless, are they disappointed in me. I think you’re having these worries.”
Joo Lee Seon answered in a serious voice,
“That’s a matter of hyung’s heart.”
“…”
“Ask them. The other person directly. And tell them. That what they wanted seems to have developed in you.”
The clearly falling voice seemed to sparkle and shine within his heart.
“Before that, ask yourself too, hyung. Now you can fulfill the other person’s wish.”
“…”
“So, do you want to grant that wish?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
