- Between Us (3)
That dawn, Yoon Seowoo came to him.
At first, he thought it might be in his sleep. Because he was sitting at the head of the bed with his back to the window, faintly surrounded by dim light. The sense of unease that he wouldn’t come to wake him at such a late hour only settled after examining his face from every angle.
Thin, soft lips moved, drawing delicate curves. Jihan. Na Jihan watched the whispering figure as if entranced.
“I like you.”
I know. Na Jihan quietly answered to himself. Now I know too. You told me. That you’re different from me who thought being close was enough, that you like me.
But after confessing like that, you said you’d give up…
“I can’t give up, so I’ll keep liking you.”
“…What?”
“So.”
There was a rustling sound of fabric, then he felt weight on his body.
“You like me too.”
“…”
“Like me, Jihan.”
When that beautiful face came close enough to touch, Na Jihan realized this was a dream. It was truly an absurd and indecent delusion.
Of course, it couldn’t be real. Yoon Seowoo wouldn’t come looking for him late at night, wouldn’t climb on top of him without hesitation while he slept, and certainly wouldn’t smile such an obscene smile.
When their foreheads touched and the tip of his nose was pressed down, Na Jihan opened his mouth and whispered,
“Why are you saying these things to me?”
Reality was the opposite. You said it wasn’t friendship, but in the end declared you’d return to friendship. You didn’t approach asking to be liked, but stepped back with sad eyes.
Even though that’s clearly what happened.
“Well…”
The overlapping lips stirred, breathing a small truth into him.
“This is a dream, Jihan.”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
“Dreams are where what you want comes true.”
When he opened his eyes, everything disappeared in an instant. The soft, secret sensation that had enveloped his lips, the faint weight, even the unrealistic and somehow seductive smile.
“…”
Na Jihan, who lowered his head and noticed the change that had occurred in himself, let out a hollow laugh.
Having such a dream about his lifelong friend. He thought he must have finally gone crazy.
* * *
He felt like something was going wrong.
If asked where, how, and how much things were creaking, he couldn’t give a specific answer. He only knew that the cause was within himself, and that sometimes this sensation was being expressed awkwardly.
Still, he had kept quiet because he knew that life was never peaceful, even if it wasn’t a problem with himself.
Yes. That was the biggest problem. The misfortunes that kept clinging to that earnest guy who minded his own business instead of saying unpleasant things to others. Those fly-like humans who couldn’t leave him alone to live virtuously and always had to act dirty—no matter how much you swatted them away, there was no end.
“Hey.”
Na Jihan reached out to the person turning away and grabbed his collar. When he pushed him against the wall, his coldly hardened face was fully reflected in the other’s vacant eyes.
“I warned you several times.”
An ominous low voice spread across the floor of the deserted corridor.
“Don’t waste your life on jealousy and envy, and mind your own business.”
“…”
“I even spoke nicely to a bastard I’m not even on good terms with, but you can’t understand what I’m saying.”
Bae Jonghwi looked at Na Jihan, frozen stiff.
“Bae Jonghwi.”
“Yes, sunbae…”
“Don’t answer. This isn’t a conversation, it’s a notice.”
Na Jihan pressed force into his grip and said,
“Try catching Yoon Seowoo’s attention one more time.”
“…”
“Just once more, try showing even a single hair. I’ll show you what it means to have your life fucked up.”
Yoon Seowoo got hurt. It happened in that brief moment when he looked away. He wasn’t even that far away. But this bastard still managed to interfere and cause trouble.
He didn’t even hear the words saying it was fortunate it was only this much. When he heard they had gone to the emergency room, it felt like all the blood in his body was draining to his toes.
When he saw Yoon Seowoo, pale as a sheet, trembling in the emergency room, he was boiling with hostility toward Bae Jonghwi.
“Where did you go during the day?”
“Huh?”
Every time he moved his fingertips, the small foot in his hand flinched. Na Jihan, who thought it was interesting how the blue veins showed clearly through the white instep, slowly rubbed the area with his thumb. As if he hadn’t heard what was just said.
But Yoon Seowoo didn’t seem inclined to let it slide, slightly pulling his foot away and asking,
“After you dealt with the Bae Jonghwi situation and posted the statement, you left for a bit.”
“Mmm.”
“When you came into the practice room, you seemed to be in a bad mood.”
He had been thinking about it all day and was concerned enough to ask, but it seemed he had endured it because he didn’t want to make a fuss in front of the other members.
Na Jihan answered while carefully removing the plastic wrapped around his leg,
“I got some fresh air while getting a drink.”
“Fresh air?”
“Yeah. Then I saw a bug and caught it for a bit.”
“Leave that kind of thing to professionals…”
Maybe because he had just washed in warm water, his voice was drowsily relaxed. He’ll fall asleep soon. Na Jihan, who muttered that, bent down to him with a smile on his face. Yoon Seowoo, whose walking had suddenly become uncomfortable, obediently wrapped his arms around his shoulders.
“They said it’s fortunate it’s only this much.”
He had heard those words more than five times since Seowoo got hurt. It was probably meant as comfort, but it wasn’t consoling in the slightest.
Na Jihan silently moved his steps while holding Yoon Seowoo.
“So stop worrying about me now.”
“…”
“And stop being awkward too.”
The last words trembled faintly. It was because of the hope to remain friends with him.
“I want to stay with you…”
“I know.”
Na Jihan said while placing a new towel on his head.
“You know?”
“Yeah. I’m not worried.”
Since he got hurt, this was the first time he could say that.
“I think it’s fortunate it’s only this much too.”
Even though he sometimes groans in pain, gets upset about not being able to finish activities properly, finds walking uncomfortable, and it’s quite troublesome every time he washes.
Even while watching him suffer like that, very selfishly, he thinks it’s fortunate.
“Why would I be awkward with you?”
Because only I, not anyone else, can stay by your side like this.
“What kind of relationship do you and I have?”
Because I know that at times like this, you only reach out to me. Because only my place is reserved beside your weakened self. Because from that fact, I’m proven to be someone special to you, different from others.
That’s why he thought it was extremely fortunate.
But even while saying that, he felt something subtly bothering him. The sense of unease that had been as small as a fingernail grew larger and clearer over time. So much so that Yoon Seowoo expressed anxiety about why he kept avoiding eye contact.
This relationship that seemed changed yet unchanged was strange. It seemed to sway precariously, not knowing where to go.
What should I do with your confession?
Should I reject it? But he didn’t want to reject it. In front of Yoon Seowoo’s face, any words of dislike lose their power and disappear.
But if asked whether he liked him, he wasn’t sure. Love was still too demanding, variable, puzzling, and even unreliable an emotion for Na Jihan.
Still, if he had to choose between the two, wouldn’t it be better to like you?
If he could keep Yoon Seowoo by his side, even love seemed like it would be okay. Because some part of the enormous mass of emotion he had might resemble your heart.
While just imagining touching someone else made him nauseous, with you as the target, even more than kissing seemed like it would be okay.
But Yoon Seowoo was fragile yet upright.
“I don’t like dating you with that kind of feeling.”
While still liking him. Because his heart wouldn’t do as he wanted, even though he said he’d give up but still couldn’t give up at all, he said he didn’t like the idea of dating.
He disliked halfhearted answers. He wanted me to delicately distinguish and define the form and color of my emotions, just as you had done.
Na Jihan became puzzled again. Everything felt difficult and complicated.
I just need you alone. Wouldn’t just being together, whatever that means, be enough? What kind of thinking do I need to do to become more precise?
It was just somewhat blind, but realizing that it too was love was a matter that needed a little more time.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
