Chapter 179
Yoo Siwoon stood in front of the closed door for a long time. In his hand was a bag of tteokbokki, Eunseong’s favorite. He had personally stopped by to get it packaged on his way home.
His hand hesitated several times, rising into the air and falling back down without actually touching the door with his knuckles. Though he knew perfectly well that Eunseong would refuse to eat it if he knew Siwoon had brought it, he still longed for even a single word or exchange of glances through this small gesture.
Just as he was about to quietly set it down and turn away, the door clicked open. Eunseong, who was about to step out without any particular thought, discovered Yoo Siwoon standing firmly in front of the door and froze.
Their eyes met through the half-open door.
“I brought tteokbokki… would you like some?”
“…”
“I’ll be going on a business trip to Washington in a few days.”
“…”
“Would you like to come with me?”
Eunseong just stared blankly at Yoo Siwoon, as if he couldn’t hear anything, offering no reply. In the chilly silence, Siwoon awkwardly bit his lip.
“You could travel while I work. It would be a good opportunity to test the English you’ve been studying.”
“…”
“I also feel bad about breaking my promise. What do you say?”
Knowing that Eunseong hated and disliked him, Yoo Siwoon was sweating nervously. Despite the deliberate silence that continued, Yoo Siwoon asked kindly. Eunseong stared at him intently before coldly slamming the door shut.
“Haah…”
Yoo Siwoon leaned his forehead against the door with an exhausted sigh. He could vaguely sense that Eunseong hadn’t moved away from the door either, but had slid down with his back against it. He could almost see Eunseong’s hunched shoulders and face buried in his knees.
He wanted to pat that thin, wounded back, to apologize if an apology was needed, to comfort if comfort was needed, to beg forgiveness if that’s what was required. He wanted to melt the frozen Eunseong with his own body heat.
Yoo Siwoon, just as he imagined Eunseong doing, leaned his back against the door and slid down to sit on the floor.
Eunseong was indeed sitting with his face buried in his knees, just as Siwoon had pictured. Eunseong could also sense that Yoo Siwoon hadn’t left but was sitting with his back against the door.
After sitting like that for a while, Yoo Siwoon’s voice came through.
“…Do you know when I first learned about you?”
Eunseong, face still buried in his knees, found himself unconsciously listening to Siwoon’s voice from beyond the door. After a brief silence, Yoo Siwoon continued softly.
“It was when I was nine years old. We begin our education at nine. And from then on, we attend worship and ceremonies.”
“…”
His pleasant baritone voice spoke gently.
After a long silence, as if hesitating about something, Yoo Siwoon’s voice came through the door again.
“At nine, that’s when I first learned about you. And that our family was waiting for a god who would come through a side path.”
“…”
“And that the bride who would bear the god who came through the side path was extremely beautiful. If you were to see the prophecies about you in the scripture, you would probably… as you might say, cringe. It’s nothing but praise for you.”
“…”
“Beautiful, so beautiful, a face worthy of worship that makes one lose their mind, eyes as fair as lilies, beauty more brilliant than the light of heaven, it says you will blind my eyes and ultimately lead to my downfall. I don’t think it’s quite that extreme… Or is it that extreme?”
In the midst of it all, Yoo Siwoon made a cold joke and let out a low, incredulous chuckle. Eunseong felt a slight chill run down his spine, unsure if it was from cringing as Siwoon had predicted or from genuine discomfort.
“What exactly is The Great Crevice that makes those people pray to heaven every day to send it? I first thought of you while watching people mumbling incomprehensible words in prayer.”
Yoo Siwoon was recalling the day he first became aware of and pondered The Great Crevice. Sitting with one arm resting on his raised knee, he continued speaking as if reminiscing about Eunseong, who had dominated his consciousness since long ago.
“One day, my cousin, who was four years older than me, said that when he grew up, he was going to marry The Great Crevice. That he prayed every day, that he wanted to meet it, that he wanted it to be born into this world. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Whenever my cousin went on about it, I secretly laughed at him and despised him, thinking he was crazy.”
“…”
“Did I ever tell you about the first day I met you? I first saw you when I was twenty-four. You, whom I had only heard about… who only appeared in prophecies.”
“…”
“I hated the idea of returning to Korea after finishing my studies abroad. I hated it even more because I knew what this family, our family, was doing. Without Seolgi around anymore, I had no attachment to this place, nor did I want any. With such reluctance, I went to see you for the first time at my father’s command. I didn’t even have curiosity. I didn’t acknowledge your existence.”
“…”
Yoo Siwoon recalled the first time he saw Eunseong at age twenty-four. A warm smile formed on his lips as he remembered the ten-year-old Eunseong.
Tiny hands and feet, small lips that moved constantly, plump cheeks as if he had candy in his mouth, clear skin and sparkling eyes, curly, soft-looking hair.
“You were playing with your friends at the playground. So happily, so excitedly… As the day began to end and darkness fell, even as your friends left one by one holding their mothers’ hands, you stayed until you were alone, and even after being left alone, you continued to play. Sweating, as if having the time of your life, you played so earnestly.”
With distant eyes and a smile on his lips, Yoo Siwoon spoke as if the endearing and lovable Eunseong from back then was right in front of him.
Eunseong was increasingly drawn into his story. This was the first time he’d heard such a tale. Though he couldn’t remember exactly when it was, he had a rough idea of the period.
Back then, he always played like that. After school, he would play with friends at the playground, and even after his friends disappeared one by one at their mothers’ calls, even after it got dark and everyone had gone home, Eunseong remained alone and continued to play. He would stay at the playground until it grew frighteningly dark, waiting for his drunk father to fall asleep.
“That was the first time I felt sorry for you. Wondering why such a beautiful child had to suffer because of us, because of our family. I naturally developed a sense of responsibility to protect and guard you, just as my father had.”
“…”
“I spoke to you then, do you remember? Probably not. You were too young.”
Eunseong lifted his head from his knees. Though he could roughly guess which period Siwoon was talking about, he had no memory of conversing with anyone, let alone Yoo Siwoon.
Yoo Siwoon had approached Eunseong, who was playing alone at the playground as dusk fell, and spoke to him.
“Aren’t you going home? All your friends have left. It’s going to get dark soon, aren’t you scared?”
“I’m waiting for my mom. She said she’d come pick me up soon.”
Wary of the stranger, Eunseong calmly told what seemed like a rehearsed lie.
Yoo Siwoon had suffered a great wound to his heart at that moment. The young Eunseong’s resolute statement about waiting for his mother, saying she would come for him soon—both he and Eunseong knew that mother no longer existed in this world.
While Eunseong was focusing on Siwoon’s voice, curious about what words they had exchanged during that meeting, there was silence from outside the door. Yoo Siwoon’s face contorted painfully as he recalled and processed that day’s events.
“I’m waiting for my mom. She said she’d come pick me up soon.”
It was a time when he knew that Seo Jeong-gi was violent toward the child, which made it worse. He could guess that Eunseong was staying alone at the darkening playground to delay going home for as long as possible. That was the only way the young Eunseong could avoid Seo Jeong-gi.
What Yoo Siwoon couldn’t bear was that he had inflicted additional wounds while knowing that Eunseong’s heart already had a gaping hole. Even the memory of Eunseong’s empty face and the smile he gave when looking at him remained in his heart.
He had wanted to fill that emptiness, to love Eunseong with all his heart, but instead, Yoo Siwoon had caused an even greater wound, an irrecoverable pain.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest from the beginning.”
“…”
“I was wrong.”
“…”
“At first, I misjudged, thinking that your knowing the truth would actually put you in danger. I couldn’t tell you more because I was certain you wouldn’t believe it…”
“…”
“At first, I also disliked the idea of us becoming conscious of each other in that way. My constantly thinking about you felt as ugly as my cousin who was four years older.”
“…”
“Then… I couldn’t tell you because I thought you would leave me. I would have done the same. Everything is abnormal. I thought you would detest me just as I detested them. Believing in you who appears in prophecies, believing in your existence—it’s not sane.”
Yoo Siwoon was apologizing. Though he knew Eunseong might not understand, he hoped for understanding anyway. He had nothing but regret, wishing he could turn back time if possible. His foolishness was pathetic.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
