I don’t know what state of mind I was in when I chased after Cha Jungwoo. I ran and ran without even registering that I was out of breath.
At first, I thought I’d finally gone insane. Even when I saw the silhouette beyond the hallway, I dismissed it as a hallucination.
How much did I sleep yesterday? Thirty minutes? Every time I closed my eyes, Cha Jungwoo would appear, only to turn his back and disappear, so I couldn’t fall asleep at all. In that condition, the moment I saw his face standing far away, my head went blank.
“…Cha Jungwoo.”
It didn’t take long to become certain that it wasn’t an afterimage but the real Cha Jungwoo. Even from quite a distance, every single feature of his face was carved clearly into my vision.
I lowered the phone I had been gripping and slowly began to move forward. If I let my guard down, he might run away again. My heart was pounding as if it would burst, the anxiety of possibly losing him pressing in on me.
What do I look like right now? Seeing how pale Cha Jungwoo’s complexion was, I reflected on my own appearance. I probably didn’t look too good either. The gritty dryness in my bloodshot eyes was proof enough.
Unlike my usual neatly styled look, my disheveled bangs cast shadows over my eyes.
The moment our gazes met, Cha Jungwoo took a step back from me.
“…….”
…Are you afraid of me? After that, his actions left me no choice but to accept the fact that Cha Jungwoo was avoiding me.
It felt like my heart was being hacked to pieces, but I couldn’t let the target slip away.
First, catch him. Then coax him gently and find out why.
If I acted on my temper, I would’ve grabbed him and shaken him. But for now, I liked seeing Cha Jungwoo smile more than cry. I was squeezing out what little patience I had left, barely holding myself back.
Jungwoo, come here. I forced the corners of my lips upward. I lifted my stiff fingers and made a show of gentleness. Wearing the face he liked, I pretended to smile as kindly as possible.
As I brushed my hair back to steady my nauseous stomach, I realized Cha Jungwoo was thinking something else entirely.
…Catch him! The moment I lunged forward to grab Cha Jungwoo, he turned his back and ran the other way.
Why are you running? The only person who could answer that question was him.
Even as the distance between us narrowed little by little, the anxiety wouldn’t fade. It was the kind of emotion that felt like it would only settle if I pulled him into my arms and inhaled him deeply.
The sharp sound of heels echoed through the quiet hallway. Gritting my teeth, I chased after him as he darted up to the next floor in an instant.
He’s definitely somewhere around here. I scanned the surroundings, searching for Cha Jungwoo, who had hidden himself. He had to be in one of the lecture rooms lined up along the corridor.
Where…? Starting from the classroom right beside the stairs, I checked them one by one. The first, the second, the third—just as I passed them. From the room at the very end, I sensed someone inside.
“There.”
After that, there was no need for words. I moved toward the lecture room where I’d heard the sound.
The murmur of voices beyond the thin sliding door sharpened my focus.
Ignoring the pounding headache, I flung the door open without hesitation.
Beyond the opened door spread tiered seating, and inside the large lecture hall with a podium at the front, I confirmed that the one sitting there was not the person I was looking for, but someone else.
“…Where’s Cha Jungwoo?”
Go Heemin. It was that bastard again. How long does he plan to torment me? This interference was different from the passive stance he’d taken lately, and it left a foul taste in my mouth.
“Why are you asking me that? By the way, your expression’s no joke.”
His attitude—so calm it bordered on shameless—only grated on my nerves further.
“…….”
Should I try coaxing Go Heemin? If I did, what could I use? Would anything even work on him? Or should I just crush everything?
A flurry of thoughts passed in a brief moment. As if he disliked the silence, Go Heemin started to open his mouth—but at that point, I became certain there was no need for me to hold back.
“You fixed your image thanks to Jungwoo, so you should maintain it well. It’s all going to get exposed.”
In front of Cha Jungwoo, he’d at least pretended to be playful.
Yet here he was, confronting me with that expression and even that crooked tone. It was strange.
…He’s not here. I could sense he was trying to stall for time. Did he send him somewhere else? I began to suspect Go Heemin might be the bait.
“…Where’s Kang Taeyoon?”
“Why are you looking for Taeyoon now? You’ve been busy lately.”
…Fuck, Kang Taeyoon. Unable to suppress my anger any longer, I lashed out with a hard kick. The chair I’d shoved collided with a desk, yet Go Heemin remained perfectly composed.
“So what, is it going to break?”
He’d aimed for this from the start. Images overlapped in my mind—Cha Jungwoo together with Kang Taeyoon.
From the day they’d ended up alone under the pretense of a birthday gift, to the sight of him leaving for a smoke, to that Friday afternoon at the café when they talked. Every single one of those moments had been times I endured and endured.
The words Kang Taeyoon had once said to me flashed through my head.
“…Keep him in check. Before I kill him.”
Do I want to kill him? Of course I do. If I could, I would separate Cha Jungwoo from him forever.
Even as I dreamed of a future of isolation, I endured it for his sake. But since that was proving useless, I couldn’t stop my thoughts from plunging further and further into ruin.
I looked down at my tightly clenched fist, then turned around. Even now, Cha Jungwoo was surely getting farther away from me.
“Sure, sure.”
Shut up. I swallowed the words threatening to slip out between my teeth and shut the door.
The resounding bang that followed felt like it pierced through my entire body.
***
What the hell is going on? Even while meeting Kang Taeyoon, I found myself busy searching for traces of Cha Jungwoo.
What is he trying to probe? Leaving behind that purposeless meeting, I once again wandered around looking for him.
If I’d known it would come to this, I would’ve gotten his home address.
Out of consideration for Cha Jungwoo’s cautious nature, I hadn’t asked for his personal information. Now I regretted it.
On the off chance, I grabbed Yoo In-ho and asked him, but even there, I couldn’t get anything substantial.
I walked around the campus, now entering early summer, for a long while. Pushing my classes aside, I visited various administrative buildings.
The sandcastle I’d spent nearly half a year building had collapsed, but none of that mattered anymore.
No matter what those other bastards said, whether the grades I’d been maintaining went to shit, there was only one thing I wanted. To meet Cha Jungwoo.
[Cha Jungwoo. Contact me before I come find you myself.]
I really can’t endure it anymore, so let’s stop this. After checking the last message I’d sent, I tried to calm myself in the darkened center of campus.
After several rounds of my body cooling and heating from the sweat I’d poured out, the phone in my hand finally vibrated for a long time.
[I’m sorry for ignoring your calls all this time. If you’re not uncomfortable with it, can we meet face-to-face? If it’s too hard, you don’t have to come. Siheon… I’m sorry.]
Fuck, Cha Jungwoo. At last, I had a chance to reach him. I didn’t even have time to read it properly before I left the campus in my disheveled state. I found myself running to meet him.
You need to know. How much I endured, how long I waited….
Who was it for? It was something I repeated over and over in my chest. I miss you. Amidst it all, one honest truth slipped out.
***
I found Cha Jungwoo at a snack bar not far from my house. In the corner of the empty tent bar, he was alone, tilting back a glass of alcohol.
Why do you look like the one who’s suffering? The resentment was brief. As he continued pouring drink after drink, I grabbed his wrist to stop him.
Did you sleep? Did you eat? His pale complexion, the way he looked thinner. For someone who had tormented me, he looked far from well, and my chest ached.
If you were going to run away, you should’ve at least been doing well. You should’ve been living lavishly and proudly. Seeing his eyes filled with so many emotions made me choke up myself.
I stood there for a long time, savoring the warmth of him through the wrist I held. With the single-minded desire to be compensated for the time I’d endured, I examined Cha Jungwoo thoroughly.
Look at me—my mental state couldn’t even tolerate a brief escape.
I pulled at his arm to lift his head, which had dropped beyond the table.
“…Ah, it hurts.”
“…….”
Why did you do that? Why did you avoid me? There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t voice it immediately. I simply watched him, afraid that if I spoke, I might get a response I didn’t want.
“…Why, do you hate me? You won’t even let me drink.”
“…Yeah, I hate you. Jungwoo, I hate you so much I could die.”
“…I was confused. …I have nothing to say for myself.”
“What were you so afraid of?”
My mouth and throat, unused for so long, were parched. Feeling as though I’d swallowed grains of sand, I kept firing questions at him without pause.
“…It’s just that.”
At that moment, Cha Jungwoo, who had pushed himself up, slowly leaned toward me. Noticing the way his eyes were growing unfocused beneath his pale face, I quickly reached out and supported his waist.
Holding him in my arms for the first time in a while, I could tell his condition wasn’t good. His body was so cold it couldn’t even compare to his usual warmth, and I frowned.
His trembling hands looked as though he could lose consciousness at any moment. Perhaps unaware of that fact himself, he let out uneven breaths.
“Jungwoo.”
I’ve become the kind of person who’s only satisfied when you’re in my arms. I swallowed that secret Cha Jungwoo would never know and forced a gentle smile.
Then I heard something unexpected from him. It was a sincerity that more than repaid all the waiting I’d endured until now.
…If you knew what I’m really like, I thought you’d end up hating me, so I didn’t have the confidence to stand beside you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t step up when it mattered. …So, so it’s my fault. Min Siheon.
Perhaps because the alcohol had gotten to him, Cha Jungwoo continued speaking with a slurred tongue and slow pronunciation. He didn’t even have the strength to stand properly, leaning against me, yet he stubbornly met my eyes with a flushed face.
I focused all my senses, listening to Cha Jungwoo’s precariously trailing voice. It sounded as if he might cry, or as if his throat were dry and cracking. A few words felt like my entire world.
…Yeah, Jungwoo, I’m listening to everything. Will I ever taste this kind of joy again in my life? At last, I could hear Cha Jungwoo’s true feelings.
But I can’t let my guard down yet. Cha Jungwoo was timid—if I made even the smallest mistake, he would slip out of my arms again.
In my impatience, I pulled him closer, pressing our bodies together as I steadied him.
“It’s okay if you hate me, it’s okay if you dislike me…. Just let me see you, even if it’s only from far away….”
A full smile spread across my face at the overwhelming surge of joy.
