Chapter 6. Jealousy (7)
“……You’re right. God must be such a being.”
Ronen grasped Eckart’s hands in return. His body heat was completely transmitted through their touching skin. Ronen, who had somehow regained his original detachment, looked down at him with unwavering eyes.
“Repent. Then you shall be saved. On the day you cast off all sins, you shall be born anew in God’s embrace…… Whether it’s hell or anywhere else, whether it’s an opportunity or not, only God knows everything, so I can only believe and follow.”
So as You desire. Let Your will be done.
Ronen pulled Eckart’s hand and brought it to his own forehead. Eckart watched blankly as he prayed with his eyes closed, only moving his lips. Ronen was smiling with a much lighter expression.
Having finished his prayer, Ronen raised his head and looked at Eckart. His light green eyes, holding light, sparkled like jewels. His gently curved eye shape and the corners of his curled lips were so terribly beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes away. His heart seemed to stop with a thud, making him short of breath.
“Even though I thought it couldn’t be true, I couldn’t stop the doubt from sprouting on the other hand. It’s probably because for so long there was no one who spoke to me like you do. Since everyone called me a sinner and said I couldn’t be forgiven, I too came to think that way.”
I’m truly glad to have met you. At Ronen’s barely audible murmur, his heart that had stopped for a brief moment began beating again.
Ronen brought Eckart’s hand to his lips. The sensation of soft lips pressing against the back of his hand made the nape of his neck tingle.
“I only hoped you would pray for me, but in the end you’re saving me. Perhaps it’s natural that God’s grace is always with you.”
This time he leaned his cheek against it. While leaning against the back of his hand, Ronen looked up at Eckart and smiled. It was a softer and brighter smile.
Ronen’s voice overlapped the muffled sound of his own beating heart.
“I believed in God but not in people. Call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven…… (*Matthew 23:9) No matter how close to God they claim to be, in the end they’re just people like me. Can Satan really not approach them? I thought they would sin and seek forgiveness repeatedly like others. But you’re different. You’re……”
Ronen couldn’t finish his words. It was because Eckart’s hand had cupped his cheek. The large palm that could easily encompass his face was rough and hard but warm. And careful. It was delicate as if touching something fragile.
Ronen, who had lost his words in surprise, only then noticed Eckart’s condition. Eckart’s two eyes held a pale blue heat. As if that heat had transferred, Ronen’s body also gradually grew hot. The smile on his face faded as a precarious tension flowed between the two.
“How can you trust me? When I’m such a weak human being.”
His face contorted painfully as if the heat surging from within was too much to bear, but his eyes remained intense.
“When I can’t even control this trivial desire and am shaken by it……”
Eckart, who had been muttering in a self-deprecating voice as if chewing on his words, began to scan Ronen. His pale blue gaze touched various places and then withdrew. Eyes, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks, ears, neck, chest…… Following his slowly descending gaze, all his nerves reacted sensitively. Strength entered him achingly.
Ronen slowly exhaled hot breath.
“……Why are you looking at me with such eyes?”
Eckart’s gaze came back up. Just from their eyes meeting, feeling a warm heat gathering, Ronen licked his parched lips.
“I don’t have patience like you do. Even though I’m already……”
Ronen reached out his hand. Just bringing his fingertips lightly to his cheek, those terribly sinking eyes, that unconcealed desire was so dizzyingly unbearable that his breath caught.
“Relying on your sympathy and kindness, I want to touch you……”
Ronen’s fingers slowly swept down his cheek.
“I want to feel you……”
They brushed the tip of his chin, passed over his protruding Adam’s apple, and reached his prominent collarbone. Eckart took a deep breath and his chest swelled.
“I want to devour you completely……”
Ronen’s hand became bolder. When he placed his palm over his left chest, he could feel Eckart stiffening rigidly. Through his clothes, he could feel a body that was firmer, smoother, and hotter than he had imagined. His rough breathing was clearly visible, and the fierce beating of his rapidly pounding heart was also transmitted.
“I want to steal you away from God and bind you to my side.”
Terribly excited, his vision blurred and his mind went hazy. He was simply captivated by the desire to covet the man before him.
Ronen gasped for breath and struggled to speak.
“So run away. If you don’t, you might commit a sin too.”
Gathering his last remaining reason, he barely managed to push Eckart away. If they continued looking at each other, he felt he would really drag him down to where he was.
Eckart forcefully grasped Ronen’s hand. Eckart’s figure approaching suddenly was embedded in those light green eyes that were greatly shaking with a startled light.
Before he knew it, Eckart had climbed onto the bed, and Ronen was lying down, trapped in his embrace. Eckart, still holding Ronen’s hand, exhaled hot breath.
“I’m already…… already a sinner.”
He had already committed countless sins in dreams and imagination anyway. What would change if he committed more sins?
He wanted to give in to the sweet whisper inside him like the devil’s temptation. He just wanted to let everything go and be swept away by the desire that tormented him. His last grip on reason was about to slip from his grasp.
A pure white flash burst through the curtain gap. In that brief moment when bright light filled the dark room, both froze with startled faces. It returned to normal as if it had been an illusion, but they couldn’t move easily. Their hearts beat roughly, and fear quickly surged.
“What was that just……”
A thunderous roar as if the sky was collapsing overlapped Ronen’s anxiously trembling voice. Whether the building was shaking, the bed swayed slightly.
Eckart, who had gotten up hastily, looked beyond the curtain. Though not as much as before, thin flashes that successively embroidered the sky also entered Ronen’s view.
Ronen placed his hand near his pounding heart and exhaled deeply. Though it was truly just a moment, all sorts of ominous thoughts came to mind. His heart dropped, wondering if the heavens were truly angry.
Could it be a warning directed at the sinner who dared to covet God’s servant? His pale hands trembled anxiously.
Whether Eckart felt the same, his face was coldly hardened.
“I think I should go look around the area.”
“It’s too dangerous.”
“I think I’ll only feel at ease if I confirm with my own eyes that there’s no problem.”
Eckart firmly drew the curtains and left the room.
Something felt ominous. His senses were on edge, warning him. It wasn’t just because of the thunder rumbling directly overhead like God’s rebuke. When the room had brightened momentarily, there was one face that flashed through Eckart’s mind.
Grand Duke Canis. The back of his neck prickled with worry that he might have tracked him down, that he might have set fires all around this area to prevent Ronen from escaping. Though it might have simply been lightning, the footprints he had discovered on the way kept bothering him. They flickered before his eyes. An unpleasant sensation seemed to crawl all over his body, naturally quickening his steps.
Because of the overcast weather, night was approaching quickly. After circling the village once, Eckart led his horse into the forest. Except for the occasional flash and the ground shaking enough to rumble, it was as quiet as usual in the forest, but one corner of his chest still beat anxiously.
As he walked carefully, examining whether there were any new traces of entry, something caught Eckart’s eye. It was a flower that had raised its head alone on the frozen ground.
Whether it had forgotten the season or was originally a flower that bloomed in cold winter, he couldn’t tell, but the single flower that had bloomed brilliantly in a forest where everything was asleep was mysterious. Thinking it was somehow like Ronen, he bent down and sat to look at it.
—I believed in God but not in people. No matter how close to God they claim to be, in the end they’re just people like me.
—Can Satan really not approach them? I thought they would sin and seek forgiveness repeatedly like others.
Ronen’s voice clung to his ears and wouldn’t let go. Though Ronen had humbly accepted that everything was God’s will and didn’t resent it, he couldn’t do the same with the Pope and other clergy. Eckart, who had believed in and followed them as much as God, truly as God’s representatives, was amazed by Ronen who completely separated the two and viewed them with different perspectives.
Was what I’ve believed in God, or humans?
Eckart quietly pondered after hearing Ronen’s story. He recalled puzzling things like why all the monks at the monastery knew how to handle swords, why most were former holy knights, and why Bishop Severus would just watch the children wield swords with satisfaction before leaving.
It wasn’t just him who had been given a wooden sword. All the children staying there learned swordsmanship and martial arts. He had thought it was just part of training, but looking back now, it seemed they had been training the children.
What happened in the end? He and most others headed to the battlefield, and many never returned. Lef and several other members also shared the common background of growing up in the same monastery. A large number of the current Papal Court’s holy knights consisted of orphans educated at St. Michael Monastery.
He had taken it for granted. Everyone had become knights of their own will to repay the grace and blessing they had received, and naturally headed to the battlefield. Even after returning, it was natural to work for the Papal Court. That’s how they had been taught all along, and everyone believed without doubt that this was their path.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
