Chapter 5. Haetae (12)
The servant who found Canui said it seemed like he had deliberately bought that old, shabby house. It was a place where few people came and went, where no one would find it strange if someone died. His last trace was at an art supply shop, where he had purchased only tools for painting.
It seemed Canui had holed up in that room and done nothing but paint until he died. He squandered all his money on materials, drinking only drugged liquor without eating, constantly painting until he slowly starved to death or died from the drugs.
‘So that’s why we couldn’t find him.’
At the very least, he would have had to come outside either to eat or earn money, leaving some trace behind. The atmosphere had already become ominous since the night office was established, and frightened people had all fled, making it difficult to find traces. If someone holed up somewhere, it became even harder to catch their tail.
There had been much to ask that bastard Canui, but it was a pity. Even though he couldn’t write or speak anyway, he might have gleaned something.
The more he thought about it, the stranger it all seemed. Why had he drawn in the guards? If it was Canui who called the guards, if his purpose was to hand Ronen over to them, then by now he should rightfully be in prison or already have disappeared as dew on the execution platform. However, Ronen had vanished without a trace and Canui was dead. As good as having taken his own life.
Moreover, the portraits. From the portraits of Ronen that filled the room, it was impossible not to know how much Canui had longed for Ronen, how completely he had fallen for him as a model. And such a person had put Ronen in danger? It didn’t add up.
Most of all, why weren’t those who fled on the same day, at the same time, in the same place? Of course, if they wanted to avoid people’s eyes, it would be better to move separately, but to help with the escape only to part ways with Ronen readily, then die while longing for him and painting only his face until death.
The Grand Duke grabbed his stiff neck and tilted his head back. A long sigh flowed out. In any case, it seemed there was nothing to gain from the painter, so what remained were the servant and the woman. Though catching Ronen and dragging him before him would be best.
Was Ronen also hiding somewhere tight? Thinking of Ronen slowly starving to death like that bastard Canui made the back of his neck feel cold. He had to find him before then. Without fail.
“…Or perhaps he’s found a new master.”
The air inside the carriage turned coldly heavy. An ominous energy rippled through. It was murderous intent.
Just thinking about it made him want to tear apart and kill whoever it might be, but for now that seemed most plausible. Surely someone had helped Ronen’s escape and was hiding him perfectly.
The Grand Duke slowly stroked his chin, lost in thought.
***
Despite the short distance, Eckart returned by changing carriages several times. It was because he was worried that someone might be following him. Even in front of the building where Ronen was staying, he checked for wheel tracks in the dirt to see if anyone was watching or had visited.
Then he felt intense disgust at himself for acting that way.
When he should be dragging Ronen to prison immediately, he was instead hiding him and worrying about being discovered, fretting about what to do if he ended up having to let him go, whether by choice or force. He found himself horrifying.
He had even been terrified that what the Grand Duke had found might be Ronen. He had followed him. What on earth had he intended by following him? If what the Grand Duke found was Ronen, if coming here was right, what had he planned to do?
Had he really intended to kill him?
Eckart sighed. He knew well that it would be better to be dragged away by the Grand Duke and at least preserve his life rather than be caught by guards and imprisoned. Knowing this, Eckart still couldn’t hand him over willingly. If necessary, he would have drawn his sword.
If he didn’t stop here, it was clear he would commit even greater sins.
Opening the door and entering, he saw Ronen sitting with his back against the bed. It was still midday, and Ronen wasn’t sleeping. The sight of him looking toward the curtained window had become quite familiar. After spending just a few days together, he would miss this sight when he was away. Returning to see this scene brought relief and even overwhelming emotion.
When Eckart just stood by the door without saying anything, he turned his head toward him. As always, it was a detached expression.
The Ronen drawn in the mirror had his lips curved upward, casting an affectionate gaze toward someone. Probably the corpse that had been loaded onto the cart. It must have been an expression often seen on Ronen when that body still had a soul attached to it.
He recalled the various expressions and gazes, Ronen from different angles that unknown someone had painted. Even Eckart, who knew nothing about art, could read the earnest affection. Who on earth was that person to have longed for Ronen so much before meeting death?
As he just quietly stared at Ronen, perhaps noticing something, he got up. He stretched his legs under the bed and stood on both feet.
“I’m ready.”
Saying this, he held out his tightly bound hands. Eckart was about to ask what he was doing, not understanding his behavior.
“You’ve cared for me enough. Thanks to you, I’ve preserved my life for quite a while.”
Ronen added with a somehow relieved expression, as if he had cast off a burden from his heart.
“You bear no sin, so don’t suffer too much. It’s because you’re too good. God is merciful in granting compassion to sinners, so He will forgive you.”
Eckart, finally understanding what Ronen meant, hardened his expression. His eyes, widened in bewilderment, gradually contorted.
Somehow having noticed, Ronen was understanding Eckart’s turbulent inner state. He was offering comfort to Eckart, who had been conflicted until the very moment he entered this room, telling him to let him go now.
Something surged up from within. It was a complex and ugly mass of emotions that couldn’t be precisely named.
Eckart strode over and stood before Ronen.
“No sin, too good—what do you mean by that? It’s not sympathy but my desire. I have committed sin. I am…”
Eckart’s face clearly crumbled. The man who had always been neat and cold was shaking helplessly.
His eyes, furrowed as if in pain, churned violently like a sea meeting a fierce storm. They seemed ready to overflow at any moment. He had seemed to have no connection with tears at all. He had thought he had never cried even once. He had been such a consistently calm man without emotional ups and downs, yet something was so upsetting and heartbreaking that he couldn’t easily express his frustrated feelings and hung his head powerlessly.
Contrary to the feeling that he might cry, only blood vessels stood out in his dry, parched eyes.
“I am…”
What did he want to do? Eckart asked himself.
The first thought that came to mind was that he wanted to touch the man before his eyes. Ronen’s straight legs came into his lowered field of vision. He wanted to grasp them in his palms, stroke them to his heart’s content, and gradually move upward. Eckart already knew the intimate flesh that was only outlined beneath the thin cloth clothing. How soft, hot, dynamic, and sensitive it was.
He wanted to shake off his thoughts and be faithful only to his senses. He wanted to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste Ronen. Moreover, he wanted to freely release the lust that surged up unbearably.
Was that all? It couldn’t be that he only felt sexual desire for him.
When he thought he might not see Ronen, when he thought of him becoming endangered and unhappy, he couldn’t bear it. Even while constantly reminding himself not to forget his duty and to do what he should naturally do, he was mercilessly swayed by the desire to hide Ronen in a place no one knew and make sure he could never be found.
Even now, he was holding onto Ronen who said he would go to prison himself. Feeling anger and sorrow toward Ronen who was trying to leave his embrace and go to a place where he could never see him again.
So this was neither sympathy nor goodness. He was just a foolish sinner.
Ronen quietly looked up at the confused Eckart. The faithful knight who had always been peaceful and would have sweetly accepted any adversity and hardship as trials sent by God was finally unable to overcome temptation and suffering.
It was pitiful to see him wandering, unable to selfishly desire the self within arm’s reach, yet unable to completely let go and find peace of mind.
In fact, Ronen was in the same situation. He could escape anytime if he set his mind to it, but he didn’t because of that reason. He was tormenting Eckart with the desire to continue finding comfort like this.
“You’re only helping me. Because I need you. So there’s no need to feel guilt or have a sense of sin.”
Ronen grasped Eckart’s hands with both of his. He could feel him flinch in surprise. The large hands that didn’t shake him off and were caught obediently were both lovable and pitiful, so he slowly led them to his own cheek. The hands, large enough to cover his cheek and more, possessed a warmth that comforted even his heart.
“You’re sharing temporary compassion with a pitiful sinner. If it becomes painful and threatens even you, you may let me go anytime. Do so.”
He looked straight at the blue-green gem that had trapped all the light within it as crafted by an artisan. Whether it was God or humans who had greedily cut and polished what would have been sufficiently beautiful as a raw stone.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
