#079
“I’ll go buy some coffee, wait here for a bit.”
After we had a meal at the rest area, Hyun Dowoon left us alone in an obviously deliberate manner.
Sitting on the bench, I looked at Shin Haejun. Until yesterday, I had always enjoyed our time together, but I never expected the situation to change so drastically in just one day.
“Hmm…”
Shin Haejun groaned with a heavy voice. Then he turned to face me.
“First… I have something to confess.”
“What is it?”
His face looked so pained that I tensed up, straightening my back. It seemed like we were about to have a more serious conversation than I had anticipated.
“I’m not trying to make excuses. But I want to explain why I’ve become so obsessed with guiding and apologize.”
Was there a special reason I didn’t know about?
I had just thought it was because all Espers necessarily needed guides…
“I’m… a murderer.”
Shin Haejun’s subsequent explanation was shocking.
Startled by his abrupt declaration of being a murderer, I stiffened my shoulders, and his face turned bitter.
“Everyone thinks I awakened at fourteen, but the truth is, I manifested when I was seven.”
Why did he hide that he manifested at seven? If he had publicly announced being an S-rank Esper who manifested at seven, many people would have considered it even more impressive.
Since he mentioned being a murderer before this, there must be a story behind it…
“When I manifested, my brother was sleeping next to me. I really loved my brother.”
“You… had a brother? A real brother?”
“Yes. I’m the youngest.”
This was the first time I’d heard about him having a brother since meeting Shin Haejun. Given his arrogant and prickly personality, I had assumed he was an only child.
“On the day I manifested… I unknowingly used my gravity skill.”
Suddenly, I felt an ominous premonition, and my heart started pounding. Shin Haejun’s face was uncharacteristically pale and rigid. I stared at his pained expression and clenched my fist.
“And my brother got caught in my skill and died instantly, exploding.”
“Hae… Haejun.”
Not knowing what to say, I just moved my lips silently, blankly staring at Shin Haejun’s face. Suddenly, I remembered the day when he was sick and couldn’t control his power. That day when he heard strange voices and had visions of a child curled up.
So this was Shin Haejun’s trauma. The child inside him was himself. He grew up with the mindset of a seven-year-old child afraid of himself.
With this realization… my heart ached.
“I’m… a monster. I don’t know when I might kill someone like this again. If I can’t control it properly, if I can’t guide properly, I might make you explode too. I could damage the city. Even if it’s fine usually, what if my power gets twisted to the limit and goes berserk? What if this happens again while I’m sleeping? That’s why I…”
“Stop, you can stop now. I understand why you did it now.”
I pressed my forehead, then hugged Shin Haejun tightly. The hurt I felt didn’t disappear, but now… I felt like I could understand Shin Haejun a little.
“No, I’m really… trash. I killed my brother… I almost killed you too. To let go of you and save someone else… I thought I absolutely needed Kim Sehyun because I was afraid I might kill you unconsciously… but I was just wrong. If I feel like I’m going to go berserk, I’ll go far away and deal with it alone. I’m sorry, please don’t leave me…”
“You mean you’ll go off alone to die?”
Espers who go berserk without receiving guiding for a long time always die if left alone. I suddenly felt angry and asked sharply.
“I… don’t need Kim Sehyun anymore. I’ll break off the pair with Kim Sehyun. You guide me. I’ll endure like that, and if I ever go berserk, I’ll go as far away from you as possible…”
“I asked if you mean you’ll die.”
Shin Haejun didn’t answer my question. Instead, he looked at me with a fearful face, as if waiting for judgment.
I pressed my forehead, then abruptly stood up and paced around. It was to organize my thoughts.
‘Well… I understand why he developed that mindset.’
In a way, it was even pitiful. While I at least recognize my illness, Shin Haejun never even thought about getting treatment despite carrying such a big trauma.
Trauma isn’t easily controlled as one might wish. Understanding why he feared situations out of control made my heart ache… and I felt a sense of empathy.
‘I’ll regret it if I say it.’
But I felt I would regret it even if I didn’t say it.
I closed my eyes tightly once, then opened them and spoke.
“I killed my family too, just like you.”
“…What?”
Shin Haejun looked up at me blankly at my sudden words.
“After school, I fell asleep while playing at a friend’s house. When I woke up, it was 12 o’clock… and there were lots of missed calls from my parents on my phone. I explained the situation, but my mom got extremely angry. And because it was late, my parents said they would come pick me up by car. I yelled that people can make mistakes sometimes, why are they getting angry… I shouted that I hated them whether they came or not and hung up the phone…”
Even just saying this much made my body tremble.
“My parents had an accident while rushing to come. If only I hadn’t said I hated them at the end. If only I hadn’t slept that day, if only I hadn’t gone to my friend’s house… how much better it would have been.”
After that, I suffered from severe trauma and depression. I had to bear the crushing guilt that my parents died because of me.
The last words I said, that I hated them, came back as such an overwhelming guilt that I couldn’t speak for a while. With my mind gone, having lost my parents and my ability to speak, I was inevitably left in the care of my distant uncle. It was because there were no other relatives who could take me in.
At first, they were just uncomfortable with how to deal with me, unable to speak and out of my mind. But soon, whenever there was discord in the family, my uncle and aunt would blame it on reasons like “the atmosphere is ruined because of that kid”, “it’s too tiring to take care of that kid”, “it’s burdensome”. My cousin disliked and mocked me for being gloomy.
Somehow, a rumor spread at the new school I transferred to that my parents had died because of me, and of course, since I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t make any proper friends.
I regained my ability to speak… when I shouted at my cousin to stop as he was hitting me in the room, saying it was all my fault – his parents’ death, his parents fighting, his bad mood.
Naturally, I was hated even more after that, and after being forced to join my uncle’s company after graduating from university, I was ostracized at work too.
Everything was so hard.
But more than anything, the guilt that stabbed at me was the hardest thing to bear. Even after graduating from university and becoming independent, going to psychiatrists and receiving psychological counseling, the old wounds didn’t heal.
If there was one joy in all of this, it was a mobile game I had played for a long time. It wasn’t even a new release, and it had many minor settings so there weren’t many users, but that’s why I liked it more. In the game, I could easily receive praise just by clearing quests, and I could escape reality. No one said anything even if I went around alone, and every time I saw my growth, I felt like I was becoming a slightly better person.
“That… wasn’t your fault.”
As I stumbled through my words with tears in my eyes, Shin Haejun suddenly stood up and hugged me tightly as he spoke.
As far as I knew, in this world, Lee Jaeha was supposed to have grown up in an orphanage with Kim Sehyun from childhood. So I thought it was inevitable that Shin Haejun would say I was lying or that it was strange.
I just wanted to convey that I could understand Shin Haejun. However, contrary to my expectations, instead of saying it didn’t make sense, he hugged me tightly. I had brought this up to comfort Shin Haejun, but I felt like I was the one being comforted.
“So… it’s not your fault either.”
I said, gently pushing Shin Haejun away.
Honestly, even now, I don’t think it wasn’t my fault. I think it was something that could have been prevented if I had behaved well. After receiving counseling for a long time, I’ve been able to think that the things that happened to me after my parents’ death were unfair, but this thought never changed no matter how much counseling I received.
But Shin Haejun… he was only seven years old and it was a situation he couldn’t control. I could understand why he felt guilty, but no matter how I thought about it, I couldn’t tell him it was his fault.
“It was just an unfortunate accident.”
“I…”
As I spoke decisively, Shin Haejun’s face was filled with confusion. I know from experience that no matter how much I say, Shin Haejun’s thoughts won’t change.
But I still wanted to say it.
“There was nothing you could have changed in that unfortunate accident. It just… happened unfortunately.”
“But…”
“And I don’t want you to die either. That’s just… a stupid thing. I don’t want that.”
I said, lowering my eyes. It’s a bit funny to say this while wishing for death myself, but I didn’t want the people around me to die.
My desire to die was just because I wanted to escape. It’s selfish, but I didn’t have the confidence to live my whole life carrying guilt and despair. I didn’t have the confidence to live and atone for my parents for the rest of my life.
“Honestly, I don’t have the confidence to get along better with Kim Sehyun. I don’t have the confidence to watch you get along well either. But if the result is your death…”
I spoke slowly, almost in a whisper, unable to look at Shin Haejun’s face.
No matter how I thought about it… I didn’t want to be near Kim Sehyun. It’s painful every time we clash, and I’d have to live with suspicion and anxiety about what might happen next. I also didn’t have the confidence to watch Shin Haejun and Kim Sehyun constantly clashing.
If Shin Haejun broke up with me and started dating Kim Sehyun, that would also be a big wound.
But I also couldn’t bear the thought of selfishly controlling Shin Haejun’s life. That shouldn’t happen either. My heart was troubled, feeling like I had to choose between either giving up and accepting Kim Sehyun, or watching Shin Haejun die from going berserk due to insufficient guiding.
Above all, I was even more confused because it seemed too cruel to think about breaking up when Shin Haejun had just revealed such a painful past. I even wondered if I was being selfish for not being able to accept Kim Sehyun in this situation.
“I can’t choose. Rather…”
“That’s not allowed. Absolutely, absolutely not.”
As if knowing that the topic of ‘breaking up’ was about to come up, Shin Haejun suddenly covered my mouth with his hand.
Shin Haejun spoke with a hard and cold voice from above my head. It seemed to tremble a little.
“Please. I’ll do whatever it takes…”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
