#051
“Let’s get up first. Why are you lying on the floor like this?”
Shin Haejun embraced my body and lifted me up. Then, with surprising strength, he carried me to the living room and set me down on the sofa.
“What happened? Hm?”
Should I tell him about my conversation with Hyun Dowoon today?
After a moment’s hesitation, I cautiously began to speak.
“I got a call from the Awakened Management Center today.”
“Why?”
“They informed me that my pair with the Center Director has been terminated.”
Hearing my words, Shin Haejun grinned. He had a look that said he knew this would happen.
“I told you I’d handle it well.”
“Yeah. And one more thing… They asked if I’d be interested in officially joining a newly established team.”
“A newly established team?”
It seemed the news hadn’t reached other teams yet, as Shin Haejun questioned as if hearing it for the first time.
I very carefully mentioned that it was the Center Director’s team.
“What? The Center Director’s team?”
Shin Haejun’s expression suddenly sharpened. I nodded, discreetly watching his reaction.
I knew he would get angry like this. But lying and saying nothing happened would be worse…
Realizing that I kept watching his reaction, Shin Haejun firmly held my hand and forced a smile.
“It’s okay. You refused anyway, right?”
Shin Haejun spoke as if it was obvious that I should be in his team. Of course, since we’re lovers, maybe it’s right to think that way.
But somehow, I felt a tightness in my chest, like indigestion. We’ve been dating for less than a week, is it right for him to think it’s natural to decide my career?
“Well, I didn’t refuse. I reserved my answer.”
“What? Why?”
“The conditions were too good. They said they’d create a team that prioritizes supporting me… And I don’t have anything to do in Team 1…”
“It’s obvious that Hyun Dowoon is saying that just to keep you!”
I closed my mouth and quietly observed Shin Haejun’s reaction. Soon after, Shin Haejun, noticing my expression, immediately apologized.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice. I just felt frustrated thinking you might get involved with the Center Director again… Don’t make such a sad face.”
Was I making a sad expression?
I raised my hand to touch my face. A sad face… Usually, I hear more often that my face is expressionless when I close my mouth.
“We finally terminated the pair, and the thought of you possibly guiding the Center Director again irritated me.”
“…You guide with Sehyun, but I can’t guide with someone else?”
I asked, tilting my head slightly. Shin Haejun’s eyes widened, then he quickly furrowed his brow.
“That’s different! I can’t receive guiding from anyone but Kim Sehyun, and the Center Director can meet other guides besides you.”
“…You’re saying Kim Sehyun is absolutely necessary for you?”
“At least for now, yes.”
If no other suitable partner appears, Shin Haejun won’t abandon Kim Sehyun no matter what he does to me.
A sudden realization flashed through my mind.
‘I’m hesitating out of concern for Shin Haejun, but he’s not letting go of anything at all.’
Of course, it’s understandable since it’s for safety and life.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed. Just like Hyun Dowoon’s decision that I could understand logically but not emotionally.
“Then… can I guide someone from Team 1?”
“Huh?”
“You want to keep me in Team 1, right? What should I do there?”
Hearing my words, Shin Haejun was momentarily flustered before answering, “You don’t have to do anything.”
“Nothing…?”
“Just stay safe with the guides. You don’t need to struggle unnecessarily, and I don’t really like the idea of you guiding someone other than me…”
“Then what’s the reason for me to be there?”
“Guides have to be affiliated with a team anyway. If that’s the case, it’s better to be in our team. The rewards are good when we come out of dungeons.”
I was a little disappointed by Shin Haejun’s words.
No, very disappointed.
Am I… just supposed to follow Shin Haejun around? Without doing anything fulfilling? Should I stay in a corner feeling like a wage thief while watching everyone else work?
“Why…”
“Isn’t it natural to want the person you like to be comfortable?”
“To you, am I just someone you like, nothing more, nothing less?”
Suddenly, I remembered what Shin Haejun had said before. His words that ‘Your value isn’t in guiding.’
To Shin Haejun, I’m not a guide but just a lover. If I’m only functioning as someone’s lover, why is my setting as a guide necessary?
“Of course you’re the person I like. What’s wrong, what are you thinking that’s made you upset?”
“I’m being extremely rational right now. I’m not upset.”
Despite my words, Shin Haejun lightly pinched my cheek as if looking at a cute, sulking lover. I realized that Shin Haejun wasn’t understanding my words at all.
But I don’t know how to explain it. Shin Haejun seemed to think that I was just in a bad mood about something and wanted comfort.
“So you’re against me being active in another team?”
“If you’re going to be active, you can do it in my team.”
“How? You said you don’t like me guiding anyone.”
Hearing my words, Shin Haejun grinned and said,
“Having you by my side gives me more strength to brilliantly complete attacks. Isn’t that enough of a contribution?”
I felt despair at Shin Haejun’s words. Suddenly, I felt that this relationship wasn’t what I wanted either.
His confident and honest attitude was possible because he thought thoroughly from his own perspective.
I thought he recognized and cherished me, but in issues like this, he prioritizes himself in the end…
Unaware of my thoughts, Shin Haejun kept stroking my back and gently kissing my cheek to comfort me. Then he started talking about how good Team 1 is, how much he likes me, and so on.
‘That good team, those good team members you mentioned, they slandered me.’
I buried my face in Shin Haejun’s shoulder and sniffled softly. Sadness washed over me like a wave. According to Shin Haejun’s thinking, this would be the kind of emotion that comes occasionally ‘because I have depression.’
What kind of person does Shin Haejun want me to be? How does he want me to exist and function as a lover?
Is my current feeling of frustration really entirely because I’m a depressed person?
‘Your gloomy face makes me feel bad.’
‘What? You’re asking what you did wrong? Just coming to my house was wrong.’
‘You don’t seem to know how to do anything properly, why are you trying to do anything?’
I remembered many things I heard while moving between relatives’ houses after my parents passed away.
To them, I was just a troublesome burden, a fool who couldn’t do anything, an ungrateful person who only complained.
They wanted me to stay quietly like a doll, not wanting anything, not causing any trouble, just staying still.
‘How is Haejun’s idea of an ideal me any different from their idea of an ideal freeloader?’
My head ached sharply. As I started crying softly, Shin Haejun tried hard to comfort me.
“Does your head hurt? Or do you need anti-anxiety medication? Should I get you some medicine?”
“Haejun.”
As I called his name softly, he stopped stroking my back and met my gaze.
“Not all of my actions or thoughts are necessarily related to depression.”
“Ah… I didn’t mean to think that way.”
“I guess it’s because it’s your first time dating someone with depression.”
I said with a small sigh. This was the moment that required the most resolute attitude today.
“I’m… still bothered. You need someone else officially, and me privately. It feels like you don’t need me as anything other than a lover.”
“What? That’s not it, I’m telling you.”
“I still can’t just stay quietly by your side without doing anything. It feels like my value as a person, not as your lover, is really nothing.”
I spoke in a whisper. If Shin Haejun gave me a separate role in Team 1, I was planning to stay in Team 1.
But Shin Haejun hesitated for a moment before slowly asking.
“So you’re saying you’ll go to the Center Director’s team after all?”
It was an angry voice. Shin Haejun was angry, but I felt even more upset.
To him, I really am nothing but his lover, Jaeha. So he was clearly thinking, without realizing it, that there was no role to give me in his team.
I ended up nodding. I couldn’t stay stupidly by Shin Haejun’s side, being nothing and just breathing.
‘If I calmly persuade him… won’t he understand someday?’
I thought about going to a team other than Hyun Dowoon’s for Shin Haejun’s sake, but I felt that no team would accept me, an F-class.
Hearing my words, Shin Haejun stood up with a cold attitude.
“Think about it again. I’ll leave for today so you can think calmly without making a hasty decision.”
I didn’t expect to have such a serious fight so soon after starting to date Shin Haejun.
But no matter how much I thought about it… I couldn’t stay as a permanent fixture, just keeping a seat warm without being able to do anything, as people thought.
I blankly watched Shin Haejun’s back as he left abruptly.
***
‘Why?’
He didn’t expect Jaeha to disagree even after he said all that.
It feels like a ball of fire is rolling around in his heart. Shin Haejun stomped on the floor hard to soothe his frustrated feelings, even feeling a slight sense of betrayal.
He noticed which words had hurt Jaeha.
As soon as he mentioned value, Jaeha’s expression changed completely. Also when he said he couldn’t let go of Kim Sehyun right now because he had to choose a guide with a functionally high rank.
‘Why… doesn’t he understand how difficult it is for me to throw away all the thoughts I’ve built up until now and choose him?’
Why doesn’t he understand how difficult it is to share hearts as each other’s lovers, in the most intimate relationship?
Shin Haejun pressed his twisted solar plexus and clenched his teeth.
A memory he never wanted to recall, but one that always weighed him down, surfaced.
It was the memory of when he first awakened.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
