#050
His voice sounded genuinely relieved. I sighed heavily as I slumped down under the table, feeling drained.
‘So he knew I was taking medication…’
I thought he didn’t know since I hadn’t made it obvious. Did he find out I visited the Medical Center? I didn’t think the Center Director would pay attention to such details.
At this timing, he’s probably going to talk about depression, right?
‘Given his kind and fair character, he probably won’t outright call me mentally ill…’
Our relationship was already strained, and I wanted to show only my good side, so it was a bit upsetting that things turned out this way.
“I guess I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”
Hyun Dowoon apologized to me in a low voice. The ones who should apologize are those who left malicious comments, so why is Hyun Dowoon apologizing?
I clenched my fist for a moment and then muttered,
“You’re not the one who should be apologizing, Center Director.”
“I should have thought of a better way to convey this without shocking you too much.”
“I would have been shocked no matter how you told me.”
Even now, the faces of the awakened ones from Team 1 were flashing through my mind. I couldn’t stop wondering who it could be.
“Jaeha, lawsuits have already been filed. Even if they delete the posts or upload apologies, they can’t escape. I absolutely won’t settle.”
“Then… that means I’ll eventually find out who those team members are, right?”
“If you don’t want to know, I’ll make sure you don’t.”
“How can you do that, Center Director?”
“I understand if you don’t trust me. But I really… don’t want you to get hurt anymore. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you from finding out.”
Hyun Dowoon’s words didn’t contain any specific methods, but… somehow I felt reassured. Like earlier, it might be because of his always calm and sincere attitude.
“It was something that could hurt your feelings… but you understand why I told you this, right?”
“You want me to leave Team 1… and join your team, right?”
“That’s correct.”
“Why did you suddenly create a team? Aren’t you busy enough with your duties as Center Director?”
If Hyun Dowoon hadn’t created a new team in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to have this conversation.
Thinking about it coolly, that’s true, but after he told me about the Team 1 people and showed concern, I couldn’t just coldly dismiss him.
“I want you to have a more fulfilling experience as a guide.”
“Me… me?”
“Do you find your work in Team 1 fulfilling? I heard reports that you’re not guiding anyone.”
“I’m F-class… it can’t be helped.”
“No, when I say your guiding is good, it’s not just empty words. I learned from you that we can’t judge people solely by their rank.”
I let out a small sigh at Hyun Dowoon’s words. My belief that he was a good superior wasn’t just an illusion. The fact that he makes me feel his sincerity, even when I doubt ‘Is this kindness real?’ or ‘Does he really think this way?’ about any story I hear…
“I… have a reason why I can’t leave Team 1.”
“Is it because you must stay by Esper Shin Haejun’s side?”
“That’s…”
What does he mean by that? I knew that Shin Haejun probably told him about our relationship when he went to persuade Hyun Dowoon. So maybe he’s implying if it’s just to be near my lover.
Or maybe… he might know Kim Sehyun’s secret.
‘Should I test him?’
After a moment of hesitation, I asked Hyun Dowoon,
“When you first… sent me to the dungeon. Why did you send me then?”
“It was at Guide Kim Sehyun’s request.”
“…Do you know why he requested it?”
“I do.”
Does he really know? Somehow, I felt like he did. Given Hyun Dowoon’s personality as I know it, he’s not the type to send an F-class guide into a dungeon to die without reason.
Unless there was a reason why that F-class guide absolutely had to enter the dungeon.
“You mean… you know that Sehyun absolutely needs me?”
“Yes.”
Hyun Dowoon answered my careful question clearly.
From the beginning, he… knew about Kim Sehyun’s condition, that he couldn’t guide without me. In a way, he initially took Kim Sehyun’s side, but… strangely, I didn’t feel angry about it.
Rather, I thought, this is just how he is.
‘Well, it’s work-related… but this person is consistent too.’
Maybe because I had emptied my mind, the thoughts that had been troubling me no longer came. I just thought, he’s really someone who considers efficiency.
Anyway, it’s good that he knows about Kim Sehyun’s situation. With a clear reason, I thought it wouldn’t be difficult to refuse.
“Esper Shin Haejun and Guide Kim Sehyun are using you as a tool. You’re a proper guide too, but you’re only entering dungeons as a condition for someone else’s guiding, aren’t you?”
At that moment, Hyun Dowoon’s words hit my head like a gong. He… made me clearly face the part I had been anxious and insecure about all along.
Honestly, I knew it in my head. That with my inventory ability, I could attack dungeons more effectively than any other esper.
Even if it was just an insignificant game, I was once the absolute ruler who maintained the top rank. In an otherwise unremarkable daily life, that was my only source of pride.
But after giving my heart to Shin Haejun, I became bound to him.
It felt like all my limbs had been cut off. ‘Yeonsoo,’ who maintained the server’s top ranking and received praise, disappeared, and only an ‘F-class guide’ who follows around just to kill time for the person they like remained.
The special ability I gained when I was possessed by the incompetent and ordinary ‘F-class guide’ Lee Jaeha was the inventory ability, but I ended up in a situation where I couldn’t use it at all.
Even in the dungeon, I thought ‘I could do better if it were me,’ ‘There are still many items I haven’t shown,’ but in Team 1, there was no one who properly supported me to do so.
‘The reason I had mixed feelings, even though I didn’t want to be Haejun’s pair, was because of this.’
I blinked blankly.
“Haejun… said he would find a new guide.”
“Well, I doubt there’s such a guide in the country or abroad. Besides, I haven’t heard any news of Haesun Group or Esper Shin Haejun looking for one. And even if they somehow find one, would there be a place for you to step in in Team 1?”
“That’s…”
As I chewed on my lips, blood seeped out. It stung.
When I wanted to be loved, Shin Haejun came, and when I wanted to feel useful, Hyun Dowoon came.
The desire to be loved, but also the desire for recognition, were clearly desires that existed within me. I wanted to feel more fulfilled among people. It would be even better if it could help the person I love. It’s just that I couldn’t actively help in the current situation.
“The newly established Team 0 will revolve around you, Jaeha.”
“Around… me?”
“You’re too undervalued. Even though your rank is low, you have a very unique constellation. We’ll center our attacks around your ability. Like… when we first went to the dungeon together.”
My heart suddenly raced. Even when I was in Team 1, they did use my items, but honestly, it was only to a minor extent. Since Hyun Dowoon isn’t the type to speak nonsense, he clearly had a specific plan in mind.
‘But… it’s too obvious that Haejun will hate this.’
I felt some kind of inexplicable guilt, and I didn’t want to make Shin Haejun angry.
As I continued to worry, Hyun Dowoon spoke as if he knew my mind.
“Do you feel sorry towards Esper Shin Haejun?”
“How did you…”
“Why should you feel sorry? It’s just work.”
That’s true, but… why? Maybe it’s because I’m certain Shin Haejun will hate it very much.
“I don’t want to make Haejun angry.”
“Don’t you think it’s strange for him to get angry?”
“What?”
“Isn’t it irrational that while he maintains a pair with someone else, he only uses you for guiding, doesn’t give you proper work, and makes you kick away opportunities to use your abilities?”
When I couldn’t say anything, Hyun Dowoon spoke in a cool voice.
“Isn’t it selfish behavior to maintain his relationship with Guide Kim Sehyun while preventing you from all external activities as a guide?”
“That’s…”
I couldn’t say anything and bit my lip again. My lips still tasted of iron.
“This isn’t something for you to feel guilty about. This is about your professional life. Think about it carefully.”
“…Center Director.”
“I’ll be waiting for a positive answer.”
With those words, Hyun Dowoon cleanly ended the call.
I left the phone on the floor and clutched my complicated head. Rationally, I judged that Hyun Dowoon had only spoken the truth. But emotionally… I was still worried about Shin Haejun.
But Hyun Dowoon’s words that it would be selfish if Shin Haejun couldn’t understand this left a lingering impression.
‘What do I want to do?’
Probably… if I hadn’t once had feelings for Hyun Dowoon, there would have been no hesitation. Shin Haejun might not have thought much of it either.
‘But if we’re talking like that, Kim Sehyun likes Shin Haejun too.’
It’s the same situation….
But really, how should Haejun’s guiding be done if I’m not there?
‘Can’t he do the guiding… when he comes home?’
The reason for specifically choosing the upper and lower floors was partly to keep me close, but above all, it was to succeed in guiding even a little at home. So can’t he just do the guiding at home?
‘But what if there’s a situation where he needs to guide suddenly, like last time?’
My mind was complicated. I didn’t want to think like this, but Hyun Dowoon’s words saying that Shin Haejun was holding me back kept circling in my head.
‘Haejun would be hurt if he knew I was thinking like this.’
Isn’t even wavering like this a bad feeling? Where is the line between understanding and what can be naturally demanded and expected as lovers?
My head kept getting more complicated.
“Jaeha, Lee Jaeha! Are you not home?”
I had been leaning against the table leg, lost in thought, when I came to my senses and heard Shin Haejun’s voice from the corridor. I blinked, and he came into the kitchen, turning on the light and asking,
“Why are you like this? What happened again, who did this to you?”
I reflexively covered my mouth. Because I felt like I might say, it was you.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
