“No.”
I answered Hee-ae’s words. Once my long contemplation ended, I made up my mind about what to do from now on with surprising speed.
“I have something to say now.”
“You don’t have something to say, but you have it now? That’s unusual, what is it?”
Hee-ae gestured lightly. He didn’t know what I was going to say and his attention was focused on the surroundings.
“I said I’d give you time. I’m going to answer now but…”
I thought maybe I shouldn’t say more because I was scared. But I stood up from the gazebo and said.
“No matter how much I think about it, I don’t have anyone I like. It’s not like I was giving you false hope this whole time, I’m sorry for dragging it out.”
“Shi-dan, your expression and your words don’t match at all. I’m not just saying this, anyone who sees you would say the same thing about your face.”
Hee-ae, who had been making an expression like he’d been severely beaten, looked at my face and said. I turned my body the other way. I felt like I couldn’t stay still, so I rubbed the ground with my foot.
I thought he’d keep sitting, but Hee-ae stood up following me. I trembled for a moment, afraid Hee-ae might come closer. Get a grip, I thought endlessly.
The feeling of just realizing something and then immediately cutting it off at the roots wasn’t pleasant at all. But I couldn’t say I thought it was a misunderstanding when I really did like all three at the same time.
I said again.
“I’m not lying, it’s true.”
“Really?”
Hee-ae’s expression twisted. I tried not to waver even if he made an expression like he was going to cry. Hee-ae asked quietly.
“But you react like that when my hand touches you? You know you suddenly avoided my eyes when I stood up earlier, right? And your expression too.”
“What about it?”
“Is it similar to the expression I have when I look at you?”
Hee-ae covered his mouth with his hand and tilted his head slightly. He wasn’t making a tearful face anymore. Hee-ae kept observing me.
This situation was excessively burdensome to me. Was not knowing how to give up easily a common trait of my friends? Or had I been excessively honest?
Hee-ae kept throwing difficult questions and I increasingly only repeated the answer “Sorry, but I refuse.” A passerby laughed and passed by, saying it was a lovers’ quarrel. I hung my head low in embarrassment.
I couldn’t hold out and shouted.
“Congratulations.”
“For what? Is it really a lie?”
All sorts of expressions passed across Hee-ae’s face as he asked. He seemed unable to grasp what I meant. He asked, hesitating about what words to bring up.
“Do you like me?”
“I like you, the three people who said they liked me.”
I said calmly. And I tried pretending it was a lie once.
“…Reverse the meaning of what I just said. It was an example of using irony.”
“Seeing you do this, it must be true.”
Hee-ae answered and fell into thought. I tried to scheme again.
“You know the theory that breathing cold air weakens a person’s discernment? I don’t know what I just said, so can I think about it once more?”
“I’ve never heard anything like that before. Did you just make it up? What’s the source?”
“Excerpt from page 3, line 7 of a paper called ‘Reflection and Analysis of My Brain and My Delusions.'”
“Who’s the author?”
“Me.”
Hee-ae made an expression like he knew it. It seems like a useless act after all. Hee-ae looked even more confused than I had been until now.
“It’s not just me but three.”
Hee-ae kept muttering “three” to himself. He looked confused about whether what he’d just heard was real. Even I was flustered about this, so how much more so for Hee-ae.
“For reference, it’s absolutely not a misunderstanding or misconception. I kept thinking about it. First, whether I was mistaken, second, whether it was really three people, like that.”
I said while crossing my arms defensively. I observed Hee-ae and said more.
“It’s hard for me to understand too. It’s amazing to accept this easily. That’s why I refused, but I guess my words didn’t match my expression at all.”
“But what happens to us now? If we like each other, we just date.”
“That’s a bit. Please don’t make me into a person with like three legs.”
I waved both hands. I didn’t really like what Hee-ae was saying. Hee-ae asked without showing any signs of fatigue.
“We even know what each other is thinking, but we’re still friends? I thought about it and there’s no other choice anyway.”
Suddenly the words about making it clear came to mind. I didn’t answer Hee-ae’s words and walked forward first. Then a question arose and I asked.
“Why do you go this far?”
“No reason.”
Hee-ae, who had been sticking right behind me, answered. Even though he was close, I didn’t feel Hee-ae’s presence at all. I thought I should go home since nothing good would come from talking more.
I blocked Hee-ae from trying to say something.
“The streetlight is flickering, it looks like it needs to be fixed?”
“I was curious about what Kim In-sae was going around investigating. Is that hard to talk about?”
I didn’t expect this question. Hee-ae, who until just now seemed to be throwing out any solution, had a cautious attitude.
“Quite?”
“I see.”
Hee-ae nodded.
“I’ll wait, so can you tell me slowly?”
Hee-ae asked calmly. Since Hee-ae was like this, it was hard to refuse. The only answer was always to postpone. I felt like I was getting sick of it now.
In any case, eventually everyone would find out the truth someday. I just thought there would only be a difference in speed of who found out first. I was already scared of the reactions afterward.
If I told them really late, wouldn’t the kids have no choice? This cunning thought occurred to me. I answered readily.
“I might tell you really late.”
“You know that the later it gets, the more difficult it only becomes for me. The other kids all know what your secret is, but isn’t it too unfair that only I don’t know?”
The streetlight flickered, repeatedly casting shadows on Hee-ae’s face and then making them disappear. He made a depressed expression from feeling left out.
There was no escape route. I smiled from fatigue, then stopped and answered.
“My answer to your confession wasn’t very late either. So I won’t tell this late either.”
“I thought it was really late.”
Hee-ae said teasingly and came right up next to me.
***
The fact that Hee-ae found out, I felt like I should do something first. Just in time, In-sae was sitting in a chair. I, who had been hesitating about how to say it, remembered something from before. I pulled a chair closer and sat down while shouting.
“From now on, I will confess to the person I like.”
At my words, In-sae flinched. I continued in a soulless tone.
“In-sae, because I ate a lot of apple-flavored candy.”
Hearing my words, In-sae seemed to remember something. During the first semester school trip, he was very surprised hearing those words, and that memory came back. I said proudly.
“It’s exactly like during the first semester school trip. I tried copying it.”
In-sae lost strength at the words “school trip.” He spoke without putting strength in his voice, as if his energy had drained.
“Yeah. I should have given a different reason then.”
“You already thought that far?”
I was about to sit next to In-sae but stopped. It didn’t seem necessary to sit next to him. I spoke in a stiff tone.
“I said I’d tell you in 3 days, right? About that.”
I tried not to be conscious of how I was feeling.
“I’m sorry. I took time and thought about it slowly, but you guys didn’t become more than friends to me. Let’s stop.”
Hearing my words, In-sae let out a soft sigh. There was a separate reason why I lied to In-sae. Even if I rejected just one of the three, it seemed like it would give false hope to the rest.
“Stop lying.”
Hee-ae, who came in opening the door, said quietly.
“Please believe me. It’s not a lie.”
I said irritably. Things weren’t going according to plan at all. Really, only at times like this does he come into the classroom and make a fuss.
“You said you liked them more than friends, that you liked all three.”
He said bitterly. I gave up on saying more that it wasn’t true.
“Yeah, I found out recently. Maybe I suspected it from before, but I kept denying it wasn’t true, and then, yeah.”
I mumbled the rest vaguely. Hee-ae seemed to have lingering regrets that it wasn’t just him. Of course, there were many other reasons besides that. I asked the question I had asked Hee-ae again.
“So are the four of us going to date at the same time? Why are you trying to go this far?”
“Could we go back to being friends? Or can you get along well while suddenly treating each other like strangers?”
Hee-ae retorted. I spoke almost angrily.
“That would be better than the four of us dating.”
“I can’t. It seems difficult. It’s late, really late.”
Hee-ae’s eyes sparkled stubbornly. I, who had been troubled, decided not to live lying from now on. Even if I tried, I’d get caught anyway or the situation would only get worse.
I started getting angry at Hee-ae and In-sae, and even at Cho-yeon who wasn’t here. When the four of us dated, those three would suffer the most loss. Absolutely not me.
“Hey, I heard everything just now, are you crazy? That’s a bit much.”
Cho-yeon stuck his face out through the hallway window and said. Cho-yeon seemed to think similarly to me. He pointed at me and frowned.
“Not two but three? Why does such a person exist in reality?”
“That’s right. It seems better to just dump him.”
I answered brightly. Of course, I wasn’t really sincere. I probably didn’t want to give up any of the three. I blamed myself for being so greedy all of a sudden.
Cho-yeon answered.
“That’s a bit much.”
I don’t know what this is after cursing so much until just now. I gave up on pointing it out or protesting further.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
