#74
“I like Cheongmyeong too.”
While whispering with a flustered expression, Saheon hyung started patting my arm as if to comfort me. Naturally, the warmth in his kind words made my tears flow more. Hyung looked even more bewildered.
“I said I like you, didn’t I? Come on, get up first. You shouldn’t cry while lying down.”
As I sobbed bitterly, unable to make proper sounds, Saheon hyung quickly put his hand behind my back to make me sit up halfway. As he said, it felt like my airways, which had been difficult to breathe through due to the heat and fluid, were clearing up.
I sniffled, inhaling my runny nose while coughing. The hot tears made it hard to see, so I had to rub my eyes with the back of my hand several times. The heat rushing to my face made it flush red and unsightly.
Saheon hyung lowered his head, trying to match my gaze as much as possible. I could feel his worried eyes. His familiar and affectionate hand swept my bangs up, as if to draw out the heat from my head, making them fall lightly and messily.
It was the familiar gesture, pressure, and temperature that Saheon hyung used to do when I cried or had a fever as a child. I closed my eyes, whimpering at the familiar sensation, but then felt even more miserable at the thought that I might never be able to move beyond this relationship of being the close younger brother to the neighbor’s hyung.
“Why are you crying all of a sudden? Did something really happen?”
Suddenly, I became convinced that hyung’s kindness must be universal to everyone. If so, it meant that I had done something terrible, knowing it would prick my conscience. I became unbearably afraid of this undeniable fact.
“Cheongmyeong. Look at me. Look at hyung.”
This time, the gentle touch landed on my shoulder. The hand that had been rubbing my back started to stroke my waist comfortingly. I shuddered like someone caught doing something wrong.
Even if I couldn’t confess, my desire to be satisfied with this relationship and my conscience collided, making my chest painfully cold. I bit my lip tightly and held my breath to hold back my tears. I closed my eyes tightly, shaking my shoulders, and after getting through one bout of tears, I went limp and let hyung pull me into an embrace.
“What’s really going on that you’re like this?”
Saheon hyung held me in his arms and moved his body to lean against the bed headboard. It was a stable posture and warm body temperature. I shook my head almost unconsciously. Saheon hyung asked worriedly.
“Is it something you don’t want to tell hyung?”
It seemed that I still looked like a child to Saheon hyung. The shame of knowing the truth but turning a blind eye made my body heat up. My true feelings, revealed by a layer of tears, exposed the sincerity I had been hiding all along.
I wish hyung wouldn’t be kind to other people. I wish he was only caring to me. I wish he would only hug me, only kiss me, only have sex with me. I wish he would look only at me.
Unable to face my direct and unobservable true feelings, I couldn’t raise my heat-flushed eyes. I muttered, unable to meet hyung’s eyes while sniffling with tears.
“…Hyung, I really like you…. Really, really like you….”
“I really like Cheongmyeong too, but you need to tell me why you’re crying….”
“…I don’t think this is right. Let’s stop.”
Suddenly, the atmosphere became quiet. Since I had my head down, I couldn’t see Saheon hyung’s expression, but I imagined it might be incredulous or betrayed. I didn’t have the courage to lift my head even more.
A long silence passed. If it weren’t for the occasional sound of me sniffling, it seemed like no noise would intrude into this room. In my lowered view, I could see Saheon hyung lightly clenching his fist, making thick blue veins rise on the back of his hand, then releasing it.
“…You.”
A ripple formed in the space that had been quiet for a while. Saheon hyung, who had opened his mouth with a slightly trembling voice for a moment, spoke more clearly.
“What happened? Why are you suddenly saying such things?”
It was a voice that seemed to be soothing, but also resolute as if angry, depending on how you heard it. I maintained another silence while making meaningless gestures of rubbing my fingertips together. Saheon hyung, who had been waiting for my answer for a long time, let out another heavy sigh.
“Hah…. Why are you doing this, baby? Did I do something wrong again?”
Wrong. It was clearly wrong to me, but for Saheon hyung, the line between right and wrong wasn’t clear. Although it was unlikely for Saheon hyung, it might be a statement that would be ridiculed, telling me to know my place.
It was easy to imagine hyung having inappropriate relationships with other people, maybe even other ‘people’, despite having a girlfriend. But I was the one who first spoke up, feeling guilty about this improper relationship, so I slowly shook my head first.
“Then why are you acting like this?”
Saheon hyung asked in a tone that assumed kindness but contained frustration. As I sniffled, a new assumption that I hadn’t thought of at all began to grow hazily. If only I were a woman, would hyung have confessed to me without hesitation? It was an unknown assumption, but it was equally miserable.
“Look at me. Lee Cheongmyeong.”
Firm fingers with clear joints lightly grasped my chin. As he gently applied force, I faced hyung with my messy face. Hyung’s gentle hand wiped away the remaining tears.
“You need to tell me.”
Hyung’s voice was kind, but there was an undeniable command hidden in it. I inhaled deeply through my nose once, then mumbled in a muffled voice.
“…I think this is right.”
“What do you think is right?”
Saheon hyung repeated my words as if he had been waiting. I swallowed my heated saliva with a gulp. My throat felt sore. I mumbled timidly.
“Just…. Everything….”
“Everything? All of it? What, just everything?”
Towards the end, it sounded like a somewhat angry retort. I lowered my eyelids. A few hot tears dripped onto hyung’s palm that was holding my chin.
Hearing hyung’s words, I could really face the fact that our relationship had been wrongly buttoned from the very beginning. No matter how much I liked hyung and created countless exceptional situations, it would have been more correct to leave what shouldn’t be as it shouldn’t be from the start.
I affirmed with silence. Saheon hyung asked impatiently, trying to keep his voice as low as possible.
“Are you saying that everything you and I have done until now seems all wrong to you?”
It was a question asked through gritted teeth. But surprisingly, Saheon hyung’s words contained the correct answer. I just sniffled again, breathing heavily without saying anything.
I couldn’t bear the correct answer that even hyung knew. I couldn’t tell if he knew it was wrong to only sleep with his girlfriend, or if he was pretending not to know, or if it didn’t matter, but the overwhelming sense of sadness was unavoidable.
“Answer me. Is that right?”
With my eyes tightly closed at the fierce voice, I nodded almost imperceptibly. But hyung, who was holding my chin, couldn’t have failed to detect the slight movement.
For a moment, a tingling sensation was applied to my chin. But it was only for a moment. Saheon hyung messed up his own hair with the hand that had been cradling my face, then let out an exasperated groan.
“…Alright, let’s hear the reason. You said you like me. You said you like me. I like you too, and you like me, so what’s the problem? Why are you suddenly acting like this?”
A direct and impatient question hit me hard. Suddenly, an unbearable sadness came over me. Saheon hyung knew that I liked him.
Does it mean that because he knew I liked him, he did whatever he wanted? It reminded me of a conversation I once had with Choi Hyun-oh. It was about how if you show that you like someone and follow everything they say, you’ll end up giving them everything and then getting dumped.
I tried to glare at hyung with my eyes wide open as much as I could, but it wasn’t a very successful attempt due to the tears welling up again.
“I think we, we shouldn’t be doing this.”
I spoke as clearly as I could while gasping for breath. However, I couldn’t hide the tearful voice. Saheon hyung gritted his teeth as if holding back his anger.
“…We shouldn’t be doing this? Are you kidding? Which part?”
Saheon hyung, who had been whispering quickly, sighed and suppressed his anger once more. His whisper pierced cruelly.
“You think the neighbor’s hyung who raised you shouldn’t be doing this with the dongsaeng he raised? Now, after all this time?”
Saheon hyung exhaled a long breath as if swallowing his emotions. While rubbing around his eyes and doing a dry face wash, he asked in a tired voice.
“Or. Was it that you didn’t want to do it, but I forced you all this time? Everything until now?”
“No, no…. That’s not it.”
“Then what is it? Speak clearly.”
Saheon hyung, who was rarely angry, was scary. It was even more contrasting because he had always been kind and caring. But I had a lot to say to hyung who knew I liked him but didn’t advance the relationship beyond that.
Tears full of hurt feelings fell drop by drop. Saheon hyung crossed his arms with a complicated expression. Although it was a situation I had brought upon myself, I felt sad that he was no longer hugging me affectionately.
But I straightened up my half-collapsed posture. Kneeling on the mattress and wiping away my tears with the back of my damp hand, I spoke as quietly and clearly as I could. My voice was very choked up.
“I, I liked you so much that from the beginning it was something we shouldn’t have done…. But we did it.”
I could see hyung’s furrowed brow. Now Saheon hyung seemed to have no intention of hiding his impatient emotions. I bit the soft flesh inside my mouth hard to hold back the sob that was about to escape.
“I’m sorry…. It’s because of my, my greed…. But I really like you so much that even this kind of relationship, I was satis, satisf, satisf….”
I tried to finish the sentence while gasping for breath, but like a broken radio, the words couldn’t be completed. Once again, hot tears welled up. Saheon hyung still had his brow furrowed, but he was showing a somewhat puzzled expression.
“…I tried to be satisfied….”
I put both backs of my hands against my eyes. Trying to press hard to stop the tears from flowing, I sniffled and then roughly rubbed my hands away from my eyes. My vision was all sparkly.
“You treated me like a lover, and I liked it so much…. I liked it so much, but I don’t think we should be doing this…. Just having sex, and you have a girlfriend too…. We shouldn’t, we shouldn’t be doing this….”
“…Wait.”
“Then it’s, it’s adultery, hic, hyung…. You shouldn’t die….”
I sobbed, not even knowing what I was saying. Saheon hyung’s face, which had been full of questions, started to show increasing bewilderment, but I couldn’t be sure if I had seen it clearly as my vision was blurring.
“I, I’m not good at sex, so if that’s, hic, the reason, I was going to try, try to get better, but, hic, I’m not okay with you meeting other people…. I’ve liked you so much, hic, for so long…. I’m sorry for liking you….”
In the end, I couldn’t help but burst into tears once again. The emotions I had tried to hold back seemed to have doubled in the meantime, making me feel even more miserable.
Regret rushed in like a flood in my heart. If I hadn’t made exceptions from the beginning. If I could have erased my desire to date. If I hadn’t liked hyung so much. No, if I hadn’t started living with Saheon hyung half-willingly, half-forcedly in the first place….
Seeing the numerous points where we wouldn’t have come to this situation, I felt newly sad again. How did I end up liking Saheon hyung? Why didn’t my feelings for Saheon hyung die even after being rejected when I confessed?
If only I could have suppressed my personal feelings well. If only I could have distinguished between public and private matters. With regret coming in like the tide, I had to wipe away my tears once again.
“…This is… again…. What….”
I heard Saheon hyung mumbling as if dumbfounded. Not having the courage to look at hyung directly, I peeked at him through the gaps between my fingers while wiping my tears.
Saheon hyung’s lips were slightly parted. Looking at me blankly with an emotion he couldn’t hide, as if he couldn’t believe it, Saheon hyung asked with a stunned face.
“…Weren’t we dating?”
