#51
I heard Saheon hyung snickering. It took a moment for what I had called hyung to register in my ears. Only then did I realize why hyung was laughing, and I let out a stupid “uh” sound.
I hadn’t meant to just call his name. Having unintentionally dropped the honorific, I awkwardly sipped the remaining beer. The slightly flat carbonation hit my esophagus as it went down. It was delicious. As I savored the fruity beer flavor, I felt Saheon hyung’s obvious gaze and belatedly recalled the reason for his peculiar look. Flustered once again, I started to ramble excuses.
“…No, I didn’t mean to call you just Saheon…”
“What, is it suddenly informal time?”
Saheon hyung, who had been snickering continuously, put down the hat he had been holding at his side onto the sofa. Hyung, who was wearing a long coat that came down to his knees, also took it off and threw it on the sofa. It seemed his habit of carelessly tossing his clothes around had surfaced again.
I was momentarily distracted by hyung’s handsome appearance and slowly lowered my gaze. The uniform jacket he was wearing under the coat was revealed. The three yellow stripes at the end of the sleeve and the slightly protruding pure white shirt beneath it seemed strangely erotic.
The suit pants falling below the neatly buttoned jacket clung to hyung’s legs. As I naturally thought about what was inside, I felt my cheeks heating up and exaggeratedly exhaled with a “phew.”
Saheon hyung’s large hand landed on my head. As he ruffled my hair gently, he spoke with a voice full of amusement.
“What kind of alcohol are you drinking alone so pitifully?”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“What do you mean it’s not? How much did you drink? Two cans?”
“…No, I drank, had one… Saheon.”
Once again, I dropped the “hyung” honorific and was startled by my own words. I must be crazy. Why do I keep omitting the honorific? As I was surprised by my own words, Saheon hyung laughed again and replied obediently.
“Yes, hyung. Is that so?”
Suddenly, embarrassment washed over me. Even though he was a close neighbor, there was still a fundamental age difference between hyung and me. Although we were close enough to be without pretenses since he had carried me on his back since I was born, I wasn’t so ill-mannered as to omit basic honorifics.
“You know… Kwon Saheon, you…”
I pointed at Saheon hyung with the hand not holding the beer can. Suddenly, a hot breath rose from my esophagus, and I exhaled with another “phew.” My breath lifted my bangs.
Saheon hyung couldn’t stop chuckling. As he went so far as to kneel in front of me, I slowly waved my hand, but because I only had my index finger extended, it ended up looking like I was pointing accusingly.
Saheon hyung, wearing his neat uniform, his hair neatly combed back, kneeling politely and quietly, didn’t look at all like an irredeemable piece of trash.
“Please speak, hyung.”
For some reason, the corners of Saheon hyung’s mouth were widely curved in amusement. I vaguely recalled Saheon hyung saying something about “informal time.” I’m not sure when it started, but it seemed hyung had initiated it first.
Suddenly, I liked this situation. A strange sense of elation rose from the fact that I was sitting arrogantly in front of hyung, and hyung was sitting in front of me calling me “hyung, hyung.” It was almost sacrilegious. I exaggeratedly shrugged my shoulders and began to speak.
“…Saheon.”
“Yes, hyung.”
“…Saheon, you shouldn’t live your life like this…”
My mind was very clear, but the pronunciation I heard was terrible. I had to try to put strength into my sluggish tongue.
Even in a situation where he was kneeling and receiving a lecture from an eleven-year-younger brother right after getting off work, Saheon hyung seemed to regard this as an amusing happening.
It seemed to be because I was holding a beer can in my hand. Although I had been drinking beer, I wasn’t drunk, so I took another sip to show that my mind was intact.
“I think it would be better if you stopped drinking, hyung.”
Saheon hyung added with a grin. I put down the beer can with a bang to show that I was fine.
“What are you talking about! Beer is a beverage, a beverage!”
Saheon hyung finally couldn’t hold it in and burst out laughing. I felt upset at Saheon hyung for laughing instead of listening and believing what I was saying.
“Beer is fermented… and everything fermented is good for the body…”
I slowly tried to think of examples. Yogurt, makgeolli, cheese, kimchi, doenjang… Ah, I want to eat doenjang jjigae. With lots of meat and tofu…
“I’ll make it for you tomorrow. Go to sleep now, quickly.”
I sighed deeply once more. My bangs, swayed by the breath, tickled my eyebrows again. I couldn’t believe Saheon hyung was trying to win my favor with something like doenjang jjigae. He’d need to grill some pork ribs along with the doenjang jjigae for me to pretend to overlook this. In the end, I had to tell hyung once more what I wanted to say.
“I’m very disappointed, hyung is very… disappointing, Saheon…”
“What’s disappointing?”
Heavy sighs kept bursting out. What’s the use of just having a handsome face? Thinking about hyung who acted like garbage, I had to take another sip of beer to prevent another sigh from escaping.
“Saheon.”
“Yes, hyung.”
“You shouldn’t live your life like this… Really, you shouldn’t…”
I muttered seriously as I looked at Saheon hyung. Hyung was still smiling. Saheon hyung, who had lightly folded his hands on his kneeling knees, pressed down his rising lip corners and asked:
“What shouldn’t I do?”
“Carelessly… You shouldn’t go around carelessly playing with your pepper…”
Saheon hyung finally burst out laughing. Are you feeling guilty, you trash! I glared at hyung with sharp eyes. A quite rough breath also came out with a hiss. I downed all the remaining beer. Although I could feel that the can was empty, I still shook it unnecessarily, then crumpled it with a crunch and put it on the table.
“When you have a relationship, you should always be serious… You should meet with a purpose. Not so lightly…”
Suddenly, something hot choked my throat. It was because I remembered what happened during the day that I had momentarily forgotten. The words about giving everything and eventually being discarded floated around in my ears.
I bit the soft flesh inside my mouth and brought the empty can to my lips, but there was no liquid left. I guess I’ll have to drink one more can. I had planned to drink two cans from the start, so if I drink one more now, it would be two cans.
I tried to get up by putting my hands on the floor, but I failed because the floor was too soft. I quietly put strength into my hands with a grunt, but when my body wouldn’t move as I wanted, I decided to give up.
“Yes, I’m sorry hyung. From now on, I’ll only let you do me.”
I raised my head that I had been hanging. I don’t know when I started hanging my head, but my nape ached like it had muscle pain. I think Saheon hyung said something earlier, but I couldn’t remember well, maybe because I had dozed off for a moment. I narrowed my eyes and looked at hyung.
What were we talking about? Ah, I was telling him not to go around carelessly playing with his lower body. Because Saheon hyung had been having sex with just anyone in an undisciplined manner. Even if they weren’t dating, just recklessly…
That’s something you shouldn’t do. I couldn’t believe that hyung, who had lived longer than me, didn’t know this fact that even I, at twenty years old, knew well. I had to point my finger once more and speak up.
“…Responsibility, when you can take responsibility, you should be prepared, okay? That’s when you should do it. What’s with meeting lightly? Didn’t you receive sex education when you were in school?”
“…I received it diligently.”
“Then, why are you like this? The girlfriends I remember hyung having are one, two, three, four…”
Saheon hyung was silently wearing an embarrassed smile. I sighed deeply once again. I don’t know how he’ll survive in this harsh world if he doesn’t even know things like this.
My whole face felt hot due to the heat rising from my esophagus. I habitually pressed my sunken eye area, then quickly removed my fingers as it felt like it might burn. Looking closely, my fingertips also seemed a bit red.
The bitter barley-flavored liquid brought out words from a subconscious world I didn’t even know I had. I was surprised at myself for having such thoughts when I spoke them out loud.
“Hyung, hyung is really too much. You’re just using me because you like sleeping with me. You think you can do whatever you want because I said I like you. You want to make a girlfriend so you…”
“Okay. That’s enough. The informal time is over now.”
Saheon hyung lightly cut off my words. Almost reflexively, I shut my mouth tightly. It was a habit that had continued since childhood. But since the dissatisfaction hadn’t gone anywhere, even after closing my mouth, I couldn’t hide the rebellious look in my eyes.
Hyung stood up and bent his waist. Perhaps because I was sitting, or because hyung was so tall, the sense of pressure as he looked down at me from above was tremendous.
Saheon hyung lightly picked me up. Just as I felt my body being lifted, after a few steps, I was sat down on the sofa with a thump. Hyung’s face was right in front of my eyes.
I was sitting on the sofa, but as I wondered for a moment why I could see hyung straight ahead, I lowered my gaze slightly to look down. I was facing hyung’s body. Only then did I realize that it was because I was nestled in Saheon hyung’s arms.
“Lee Cheongmyeong.”
I, who had ended up sitting on hyung’s thighs, raised my head as called. I saw Saheon hyung wearing a deliberately stern expression. As I quietly met his gaze, my nose was pinched.
The hand that had lightly blocked my breath then moved to my waist. But it didn’t burrow under my clothes. The hand that went to the small of my back, which I had only just learned existed, hugged me with a bit of force.
In an instant, my cheek touched near hyung’s chest. Hyung, with his high body temperature, was always warm. I leaned against hyung, curling my body. As I rested my face against the warmth that could be felt even through clothes, my eyes started to feel heavy.
“You…”
Hyung, who had opened his mouth to speak, lightly closed it. I felt a heavy sigh above my crown. Blinking my eyes slowly, I decided to answer with my eyes closed. Anyway, my mind was clear, and Saheon hyung wouldn’t know that I had my eyes closed, so it seemed fine.
“Lift your head.”
But Saheon hyung seemed to have noticed uncannily. I raised my head unsteadily. My eyes were still half-closed.
“I’m going to give you a peck, so hurry up.”
At the word ‘peck,’ I reflexively puckered my lips, and hyung firmly pressed his lips against them. Repeating the kiss several times as if stamping decisively, hyung grumbled mischievously.
“Even your drunken ramblings make hyung upset. Hm?”
My lips, now resting against hyung’s chest area again, twitched in dissatisfaction. I had a lot to say, but I was too lazy to spit it out. I closed my eyes again, listening to the rapid beating of hyung’s heart.
“I’ve always been serious about my relationships until now.”
Liar. But my already dulled tongue was too lazy to move. I grumbled in dissatisfaction. Saheon hyung pressed his lips firmly on my crown.
“Do you think I haven’t seriously contemplated this situation where I’m lusting after the neighbor’s younger brother I helped raise?”
A husky but articulate voice resonated in my ears. Perhaps because of the low baritone voice, my eyes closed even more. Saheon hyung kissed my crown once more as if urging an answer.
“Do you think I have, or haven’t?”
“…I think you have…”
I moved my mouth without even knowing what I was mumbling. Hyung’s shirt smelled of winter wind and cologne. I nuzzled my cheek and burrowed deeper into the pleasantly mixed scent. The purple necktie brushed against my cheek. Saheon hyung lowered his head and whispered in my ear.
“If I only wanted your body, do you think I would have held back, or not?”
“I think… you would have held back.”
“…That’s a relief. Then do you think hyung is doing this now because he likes you, or not?”
“I think… you’re doing this…”
The low-pitched voice coming directly into my ear made even my body hair stand on end. Saheon hyung continued speaking softly.
“Then do you think Cheongmyeong had said this before this conversation, or not?”
“I think… I had said it…”
“And yet you’re like this?”
I chewed over what Saheon hyung had said several times, but receiving the words and understanding them were different. I made a mumbling sound and buried my forehead in hyung’s chest.
“This is your fourth confession now.”
I didn’t know what I was mumbling myself, but when I heard Saheon hyung chuckling, I belatedly realized.
I, who had been mumbling “I like you” like a magic spell with a completely slurred pronunciation, stopped whining. My head, which was half out of the bounds of reality, reflexively stopped all thoughts as if defending itself, perhaps due to past events.
“Hyung fell after three attempts, but Mungmung seems determined to completely crush hyung’s heart.”
The voice mixed with laughter sounded unreal. My heart painfully tightened at the words as sweet as candy. Hearing such an unrealistic sound in my hazy state made it truly surreal.
Ah, then this must be a dream. My mind, which had come to this bitter but clear conclusion, gave up on any further understanding.
