There was no intention to criticize him. He was, in his own way, trying his best. It was obvious he was hoping that my feelings wouldn’t just stop at sympathy but would open up, even just a little, in a better direction. If he had given up even on that, I might have truly gotten angry.
As part of his efforts, Cha Jae-woo gave up on revenge. He let them be judged by the law, but he didn’t kill them. It was impossible to even imagine how difficult that must have been. Because I had clearly seen the child who had been crying their heart out inside the gate while I was unconscious, I could at least attempt to understand.
And that wasn’t enough—Cha Jae-woo was even concerning himself with the matters of the Association. He was trying to expose the corruption that had been rampant for so long and correct the problems. He was doing his best to make sure no more undeserved victims would arise. I had also seen several interviews where he tried to improve the public’s harsh view of Guides.
It wasn’t as if he suddenly wanted power or fame. He already had everything just by being an S-Rank Esper. There was no way someone like him would bother to give interviews, appear on television, and endure the nuisance of talking to people unless he had a reason.
It was all part of an effort—to show me. Otherwise, there would be no reason for that faint expectation to creep up around him whenever I read his interviews or absentmindedly watched him on TV. Well, more than expectation, what stood out was a sense of embarrassment and nervousness, but still.
Beyond that, as the undeniable proofs that he was watching over me and caring about me piled up one by one, I became increasingly excited. And naturally, that led to more and more worries.
How could I make Cha Jae-woo feel safe and trust my heart?
The situation had changed completely. Cha Jae-woo wanted me, yet he believed he shouldn’t. At the same time, he was anxious that I might leave. I didn’t think he could easily shake off those negative feelings anytime soon.
So the conclusion was simple. I had to show him myself. And this was a tricky problem—words alone wouldn’t be enough. The best way was through action. I had to make him understand with everything I had that I loved him.
Cha Jae-woo didn’t know how to properly receive love. His memories of being loved by his parents were from so long ago, and now, those very parents remained only as a painful wound, so recalling them would only bring him more anguish.Â
I also lost my parents early on, but at least I grew up knowing what it meant to be loved. I could confidently say I understood far better than Cha Jae-woo what it meant to shower someone with love.
Saying this might make it sound like I should just be good to him unconditionally, but that would be the wrong approach. Sudden changes would only deepen Cha Jae-woo’s anxiety. It wasn’t as if someone who couldn’t be sure of my feelings would be reassured just because I treated him well—that was a lesson he had taught me himself.
In the end, a meticulous plan was needed. Starting today, I was going to gradually melt away Cha Jae-woo’s anxiety.
The notebook where I had carefully written out the things I needed to do and the precautions to keep in mind was honestly a little thin, but at least the cover looked decent. Thanks to the bold, determined letters declaring my firm will to make the plan succeed, it looked fairly solemn.
[Rules for Using Cha Jae-woo]
For reference, the subtitle was “Fixing the Broken Cha Jae-woo.”
***
It would be nice if everything flowed according to plan, but that’s rarely how things go in life. Despite my steely resolve before Cha Jae-woo arrived, I stumbled from the very start.
It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but the biggest problem was just how incredibly shy I felt. Maybe because of my mindset, but today it was even harder to meet Cha Jae-woo’s gaze.
Clearing my throat with a kheum, I awkwardly stepped aside at the front door.
“Please, come in.”
I wasn’t even sure if I managed to keep my voice calm. At least it was a relief that Cha Jae-woo couldn’t read my mind—otherwise, I might have bitten my tongue out of pure embarrassment…
No, wait. If only he could read my mind, then I wouldn’t have to rack my brain over stuff like this in the first place.
Shaking my head vigorously to erase such pointless thoughts, I glanced up to find Cha Jae-woo silently staring at me. I realized only then that he was standing there, not even stepping inside, just blinking blankly.
I gave an awkward smile. Cha Jae-woo, who was freakishly quick-witted about these things, seemed to notice right away that something was off with me. His emotional wavelength carried a subtle undertone of concern.
“…Come in.”
Pretending not to notice anything, I urged Cha Jae-woo again.
“Ah, right.”
Only then did Cha Jae-woo finally step inside. He had been visiting my place every day at the same time for guiding.
No, no.
Let’s change the premise first. Saying it like that makes it sound like his visits are purely for guiding… Yeah, it’s better to think of it as him coming over every day just to see me. Thinking of it that way definitely made it feel different.
“…Um. Have you eaten?”
Maybe that’s why, but I felt strangely lightheaded. Without thinking, I asked as Cha Jae-woo stepped inside, having taken off his shoes.
Originally, the plan was to ask, Would you like some tea?
It was a flimsy excuse because I didn’t want him to leave after just guiding and leaving again. That was the best I could come up with. Still, it was better than suddenly asking if he’d eaten.
It made sense, though. Cha Jae-woo always came over around 9 PM, almost at night. It was an awkward time to ask if someone had eaten, so I had never brought it up before. Well… Even if that weren’t the case, we didn’t talk much anyway.
Usually, I would say Please have a seat. I’ll start guiding, and then We’re done, and Cha Jae-woo would respond with Mm, Mm, Mm, okay, get some rest. Thinking about it now, our conversations were incredibly barren. No matter how awkward things were, how had we spent weeks like that? The belated realization hit me.
“You didn’t eat?”
Fortunately, that foolish train of thought flew out of my mind with just one question from Cha Jae-woo. He looked concerned, clearly bothered by the thought that I hadn’t eaten.
“…Yeah… Just, you know… it happened.”
So I lied, straight away. Like some seven-year-old seeking attention, I blatantly advertised myself for it. Truth was, I had eaten.
I hadn’t asked because I was hungry. It’s just that in Korea, Have you eaten? is practically a greeting. That’s all it was—an automatic question tossed out without thinking.
Still, thanks to that, the situation unfolded more naturally. Even if I had eaten, couldn’t I just say I was hungry? Ask him to wait a bit? That way, even without guiding, we’d have more time together. We could maybe even share a few more words.
“…Should I come back tomorrow?”
But no, things didn’t flow that smoothly.
It reaffirmed my belief that this operation to fix Cha Jae-woo was going to be a long haul. How could he ask, Should I come back tomorrow, here? Shouldn’t he ask something like Do you want to eat something? instead? Normally, Cha Jae-woo would have done just that.
He would have asked me first what I wanted to eat. Was it because, back then, he wasn’t afraid of me leaving, so he said anything he wanted freely? And now, he was too conscious, too careful?
Even so, this was too much of a regression. If I couldn’t sense Cha Jae-woo’s feelings at all, I would’ve simply thought he wanted to get his work done and leave as soon as possible. Maybe even that he hated coming to this house. Given my wildly negative imagination, I definitely would’ve thought that way.
I immediately shook my head to clear away the gloomy thoughts. Even if his answer frustrated me a little, seeing the worry laced across his face when he heard I hadn’t eaten made all that irritation melt away.
“Or… should I go buy you something?”
Still, it seemed he wasn’t planning to guide me first while I was starving. Hmm… well, that’s normal, isn’t it? Feeling a little embarrassed, I scratched my cheek lightly and shook my head again.
Whether it was then or now, seeing Cha Jae-woo always made my heart stir. Back then, I had been completely swayed by his kindness.
I didn’t think his actions back then were lies. He just hadn’t realized he loved me yet—that was all. It had all been an extension of those feelings. Otherwise, it would be absurd to claim he only developed feelings for me after I left. That didn’t make any sense.
Anyway, the current Cha Jae-woo wasn’t as overtly affectionate as he was back then. Yet, strangely, his attitude now felt even more devastating to my heart.
Maybe it was because the rough, blunt, but deeply sincere concern and affection radiating from his entire being were so painfully obvious. It made him look so harmless—almost endearingly so. Of course, I knew better than anyone that harmless wasn’t a word that suited him.
Bottom line, even though he couldn’t outright express it, the quiet way he showed his concern—I loved it.
