#044
Well, it was something he had experienced several times before. However, if back then it was an action committed because he hated his tedious life, now it just served a different purpose.
“Hey! Yoon Jukyung! Open the door!”
Suddenly, the sound of someone pounding on the rooftop door rang out loudly. It was Kyungjun’s voice. When Jukyung opened the door, Kyungjun came in.
Jiwoon noticeably hardened his expression upon seeing Yechan following behind him. Fuck.
“Jiwoon’s dongsaeng was worried about him. I brought him along. Ah, that guy went to the teachers’ office first. Lee Jiwoon, you go there later too.”
Kyungjun, who was grinning proudly as he pushed Yechan forward, shouted. Ah, that clueless bastard. Jukyung, who had muttered inside his mouth, put his hand to his forehead. Choi Min had been silent from earlier.
Yechan ran toward Jiwoon from in front of the rooftop door.
“Hyung, is your hand okay?”
Yechan’s face, which he was seeing after a long time, was completely clouded. Jiwoon let out a long breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He recalled the nights when he had tried to shake off the voice that seemed to wrap around his ears.
Hah… Jiwoon, who sighed quietly and opened his eyes, brushed away Yechan’s hand that was examining his own hand.
“Don’t worry about it.”
At Jiwoon’s cold expression, Yechan’s eyes were colored with bewilderment. Jiwoon barely suppressed his heart that was churning as if he would vomit. His solar plexus tightened and his chest ached.
It hurt. It hurt so much. Jukyung, who had been reading the atmosphere, took Choi Min and Kyungjun to a corner of the rooftop.
“It’s swollen. Why… no, are you okay? Have things been really hard lately?”
Looking at his eyes, then at his hand, and eventually rambling incoherently, Yechan made Jiwoon feel like he was about to cry.
Pathetic, really. Jiwoon silently looked at Yechan with empty eyes. He had to empty himself. The current him had no right to fill himself with anything.
“Go.”
“…Hyung.”
“Can’t you hear me? It’s fucking annoying, so don’t bother with me and just go. You’re annoying to me now.”
Jiwoon stared at Yechan with emotionless, cold eyes. Shock slowly spread across Yechan’s face.
The change from bewilderment to anger was instantaneous. The jaw muscles of Yechan, who had gritted his teeth, stood out sharply. Jiwoon engraved such a face of Yechan into his empty heart.
Yechan, who had swallowed down words he wanted to say, soon turned around abruptly. Jiwoon watched Yechan’s back.
The back that looked good in the spring/autumn uniform shirt, the straight white nape under the light brown hair, the broad shoulders and long legs – there wasn’t a single part of that back view that wasn’t beautiful.
Only after Yechan opened the rooftop door and left did Jiwoon inhale the breath he had been holding.
The small Yechan who had been trembling in the ruins got up on his own and left. Jiwoon quietly stared for a very long time at the bloodstains that spread from that torn empty space.
* * *
The secretary’s work handling was neat as always. After receiving a long scolding from his homeroom teacher and leaving the counseling office, Jiwoon let out a hollow laugh at the situation that had been wrapped up with an envelope without any particular disciplinary action.
It would have been better if I had gotten suspended. The sky that had been cloudy since morning finally began to rain. Children who had been having PE class outside were gathering at the assembly platform with their heads covered, taking shelter from the rain.
Jiwoon stared at the assembly platform for a while before walking to the classroom. Choi Min acted as if nothing had happened despite the incident on the rooftop, as he always did.
The autumn rain continued for several days. Rumors about Jiwoon’s assault spread relentlessly through messengers over the weekend.
The school that had been noisy on Monday quickly quieted down by Wednesday after Tuesday passed. It seemed like everyone was hushing up mentions of the incident that had been quietly concluded without any disciplinary action.
Around Yechan, the children reduced their voices even more, while Seungwoo, Taehyun, and Minho went around glaring at their surroundings. During this time, Yechan continued his thoughts intensely. He couldn’t endure without thinking.
Yechan’s thoughts continued from when he woke up in the morning until before he went to sleep at night. They didn’t stop during class, when eating, at academy, or at home.
Taehyun and Minho shook their heads at Yechan who was quietly absorbed in something.
“Ah, Seo Yechan. What are you thinking about again? I’m scared.”
“Leave him alone, Yechan’s probably acting like that because he’s shocked.”
“I’m scared because it doesn’t seem like it! But doesn’t that guy also jump in enthusiastically when it comes to Lee Jiwoon hyung? While he’s fucking uninterested in my affairs.”
“Wouldn’t you be the same? Did that hyung treat Yechan normally well? And do you think you can be compared to that hyung?”
Yechan, who had been letting Taehyun and Minho’s bickering go in one ear, finally organized his thoughts.
Jiwoon had rejected him. For Yechan, that fact was a more extreme shock than the violence etched in his mind, more than Jiwoon’s swollen red palm.
It had never happened before. Until now, Jiwoon never let even Yechan’s trivial words pass by. Even if lightly, he always responded to everything, and naturally accepted not only contact but even touches like flowing water.
Lee Jiwoon cherished Seo Yechan. That was a fact known by everyone around him, including himself. But such a Lee Jiwoon had rejected Seo Yechan.
Yechan recalled the Jiwoon he knew. And he also thought about Jiwoon in the cafeteria and on the rooftop.
The two seemed like different people. Even seeing Seungwoo clicking his tongue saying he knew this would happen someday, Yechan couldn’t properly organize his confused mind.
That’s why even more, Yechan missed Jiwoon. He wanted to talk with him and embrace him.
He couldn’t forget Jiwoon who had smiled with sparkling eyes. He wanted to see once more those eyes that had made Yechan endlessly excited, those eyes that had firmly bound him.
Yechan recalled the face of Jiwoon who had spat mean words at him again and let out a long sigh.
Yechan had no experience with such relationship transitions. Until now, Yechan’s relationships, except for his mother, had maintained a certain looseness. In other words, they consisted of people who wouldn’t be strange to fall away at any time.
Not only Seungwoo, but Taehyun and Minho were no exception. Only then did Yechan realize that he was applying exceptionality only to Jiwoon.
Once he realized it, a storm hit his head. Jiwoon was the first person Yechan had brought inside his line.
For Seo Yechan, Lee Jiwoon was his first comfort. His first understanding person. His first admiration and his first pride. His first joy and his first dependence.
Suddenly he got goosebumps. Yechan tried to define Jiwoon more precisely, even if belatedly. However, no matter how hard he tried, Yechan couldn’t come up with an accurate definition of him.
In Yechan’s life, this was the first relationship to evoke such emotions. Yechan chewed the inside of his mouth. His head spun tightly. His mind was full of chaos at the answer that wouldn’t come.
Only then did Yechan imagine himself without Jiwoon. Then his mind refused to imagine.
Yechan’s gaze slowly turned to the window. Looking out at the rain pouring outside, Yechan recalled that day when he had shared an umbrella with Jiwoon on the way home.
Even though one shoulder had gotten completely wet, he hadn’t felt bad then, and he had thought it was fortunate that Jiwoon’s clothes hadn’t gotten very wet.
Yechan rummaged through his pocket and found candy. The candy he put in his mouth had Jiwoon’s scent.
Rolling the candy around in his mouth, Yechan eventually came to an incomplete conclusion. Lee Jiwoon was Seo Yechan’s many firsts.
He missed Jiwoon. He needed Jiwoon. And he wanted Jiwoon. It wouldn’t matter even if Jiwoon had killed someone instead of just hitting them.
Jiwoon’s rejection also wasn’t important. He couldn’t let go of his precious person, his only person, whom he had only now recognized. He had to meet Jiwoon.
Yechan clenched his fist tightly and then opened it. His heart was urgent, but still, he had to wait for now. There were 20 days left until the Suneung.
* * *
Time flew by frantically. Self-study, and more self-study. Every day leading up to the Suneung was like a mock exam day.
There had been no contact from Yechan since the incident on the rooftop. Jiwoon sometimes saw Yechan’s bewildered face in his dreams.
When that happened, only after overworking his body with exercise would his insides settle down. Yechan’s figure wasn’t visible at school either. It was fortunate.
That’s how he roughly finished the final exams that weren’t even reflected in college admissions, and it was the weekend. Before he knew it, the coming Thursday was the Suneung.
As promised, Jiwoon’s parents entered the country. His parents finished preparing for Jiwoon’s trip to England by talking with the secretary and going in and out of the school.
On the way back from the preliminary assembly the day before the Suneung, Jiwoon had a conversation with his mother about her and her new boyfriend.
“So Paul was curious about you.”
“No thanks.”
Jiwoon, who had thoroughly trampled on his mother’s dreams as she seemed to be thinking of introducing him to her new boyfriend when they went to England, snorted. Jiwoon’s mood improved a little.
It was already cold. Since Suneung days were always like that, tomorrow would probably be cold too.
* * *
The night before the Suneung, Yechan familiarly fixed his gaze on the dark night sky.
Please let Jiwoon hyung ace the Suneung. Yechan, who had muttered briefly, let out a sigh. His white breath scattered in the air.
After fondling his phone screen for a while, Yechan eventually put his phone away without being able to do anything.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
