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Bunhong kept swallowing dry saliva roughly.
And then, the moment he took that one step climbing the stairs,
…….
At the blindingly brilliant lighting that seemed about to pour down, Bunhong unconsciously let out an exclamation.
“……Wow.”
As if his eyes had gone blind, he completely forgot about everything left behind below the stage.
Two more steps like that.
Suddenly, he finally realized how high and sparkling this stage was. His lips grew increasingly parched, but instead sweet saliva pooled in his mouth.
Was it because of nervousness? He could tell that wasn’t the reason.
Bunhong couldn’t hide his dazed expression and stopped climbing the stairs midway, looking up from below the stage to the world above.
‘I wish you would disappear.’
Finally, at the moment when he would stand on stage as Lee Hanbit,
‘If I could take your place after you’re gone,’
Only one desire intensely dominated Kim Bunhong’s mind.
‘How wonderful it would be if I could walk out of the darkness and become you.’
Now Bunhong could understand why he hadn’t been able to offer even a single word of excuse to Hangeul. Though it had been an unavoidable situation, how could he say there wasn’t even an inch of falsehood in those true feelings?
……”Won’t you come up with me?”
He had definitely been swayed by Jeong Ido’s words, and like black ink spreading through clear water, that desire had somehow eaten away at his unconscious mind.
Looking back, it seemed like he had been endlessly craving someone’s love and recognition since childhood.
He didn’t even know when it had started. In all his motivations for action, it wasn’t himself but others who were there. Even his reason for studying hard had been like that.
For Bunhong like this, the path of being a singer was the first choice he had made putting forward only himself, but contrary to the reality he had wished for, he was ignored and unloved.
But Bunhong, as he had always compromised, had thought it was something that would be fine if only he endured it.
But when had it started? The method he had chosen to avoid collapse had instead tripped up his own feet. Before he knew it, the desire that had been knocking at his heart had transformed into craving, and losing his bearings, he came to hate Lee Hanbit.
Perhaps he had earnestly wished for it from long ago, Bunhong muttered. This kind of moment that he hadn’t dared to dream would come, long before his regression.
……”For me to become you.”
That’s why he had sung along countless times, hadn’t he? All the songs that Lee Hanbit had sung.
But the songs he sang repeatedly countless times eventually ended as cries close to screams.
Even while singing so desperately, on that day when he had to admit that he could never beat Lee Hanbit, how much had his past self sobbed, sitting alone on the floor of the darkened practice room, clutching his torn heart?
That day, he still vividly remembers the teardrops that fell drop by drop and soaked the sheet music, the ends of the blurred notes he fumbled with trembling fingers, the damp texture of the paper.
He had thought he was holding onto a problem with no answer all this time,
‘No.’
Looking back, he had become unhappy precisely because the answer was cruelly clear.
‘It was just like that. From the beginning, you could do it, and I couldn’t.’
If that’s really how it was, if that was the answer the world had given him,
‘Now… give me a chance too.’
Bunhong resolved to absolutely never stop and follow that path.
* * *
While waiting briefly behind the stage, the pre-recorded intro could be heard, and some parts filmed for reality were also edited and playing.
Right before that, all the BLACK members had gathered together and stacked their hands on top of each other. Chayeon spoke quietly with a voice full of firm determination.
“Let’s just do it like we practiced.”
At those words, Lucy quietly shouted “Fighting!”
Right. He could do it. No, he would be able to do it. Bunhong walked toward the front of the stage while repeating this to himself countless times.
With each step he took, the chains attached to his clothes jingled and swayed. Though the outfit was different from the concept photos that hadn’t been released yet, all the accessories were unified in silver to match.
The very beginning started with a pre-arranged formation, so each went to their respective positions and stood.
Dry ice was laid down, and in the brief moment when the interlude played, Bunhong naturally recalled the past days when he had danced to this song on stage.
The urgent priority had been not to stand out. Literally to ‘not be bothersome’ – he had been placed in the back according to the choreography formation every time, and had to watch only Lee Hanbit’s back until the prepared song ended.
As he recalled that feeling along with the gradually growing music sound that pressed against his chest like compression, his breathing naturally became rough as if his breath was stopping. If he had to compare this feeling, Bunhong daringly guessed it would probably be similar to when playing sports. It was the excitement right before running a race where you had to determine the outcome in a short time.
And there were only two choices available: to enjoy this tension, or to be overwhelmed by it.
“I should have held onto you back then.”
The first intro was Lucy’s. It began with him and Han Chayeon dancing like ballet dancers, then sliding on the floor, with Lucy breaking through and starting the song.
The problem was the decorative chains attached to the clothes – they were longer than expected and had scraped against his skin multiple times during the earlier rehearsal, leaving several scratches. Because of the unavoidable pain, his expression naturally frowned, but he was warned multiple times to restrain himself since it might be caught on camera. So he was quite nervous about making the same mistake this time too.
The moment he faced Han Chayeon before performing the movement, they busily exchanged glances.
Those eyes were telling Bunhong that he could do it. And Bunhong succeeded. Though his pinky finger got scratched a little, he was so intoxicated by the exhilaration of having performed the movement perfectly in that moment that he had no time to think about the momentary pain.
“If I had known it would be like this,”
Chayeon, who had performed the movement together, got up first and handled his part, and Duho stepped forward handling his characteristically rough rap. And next was Kim Bunhong’s turn.
This was the most burdensome part among those that originally hadn’t been his.
Because practically, the part where the song really began was right from Lee Hanbit’s part.
Since the lyrics “please love me” became the turning point and the atmosphere changed to be seductive overall, except for the chorus, this was one of the sections that could be called the ‘killing part’ throughout this entire song.
Thus, it made people remember this part as the intro even though it wasn’t the intro, and as a result, Lee Hanbit got the nickname ‘the intro guy.’
The members who had rushed out first quickly gathered around Bunhong as the center, and he, who had been waiting alone standing diagonally, finally knelt down in that same position.
Since he wouldn’t be visible to the audience’s eyes, hidden by the members.
At the precise moment when the members stepped back again and Bunhong alone rose up as if a flower was blooming,
Bunhong looked up at the air and slowly extended his palm as if opening it, and over it, the petals that had been planned as stage devices fluttered down gently.
Click. With that sound, Ido, who was beside him, handcuffed his wrist.
Following that, a sharp violin melody like scraping strings began.
“Ah, please love me……”
At the timing when he chanted the lyrics as if chewing them, the bright lighting was dyed red.
On stage, Bunhong thought while savoring the lyrics.
Wouldn’t the desire to remain a child forever have made Peter Pan fall into despair the moment he met the most genuine love?
Love and emotions change, but he doesn’t change. No, because he can’t change.
That was the hell he encountered. Neverland couldn’t become paradise, and that was the same for Peter Pan, the owner of that island.
And the hell that Kim Bunhong before regression had encountered was right here on this stage.
Because this was the space where he felt most painfully that he couldn’t even properly follow a single choreography move and fell behind.
Even so, it was good. Good enough that he looked forward to the moment of standing on stage again.
Even while thinking it was pathetic, this was the moment in his life when he felt most alive.
Right now, when everyone was paying attention to him and looking up at him, this moment was hell and heaven at the same time for him.
If it had been the old Kim Bunhong, he would have been desperate just to handle his gaze properly. But somehow now, as if time had stopped, even the flow of air felt leisurely.
“……so I can escape from this hell.”
It was the timing when he had to wrap both hands around his neck and look straight at the camera.
The moment he properly gazed at the camera on stage for the first time in his life,
He faced not Peter Pan but his own desire, and at the same time felt a thrill.
What did he want?
About that question that others had kept asking him, that he couldn’t find an answer to no matter how hard he tried.
The moment he finally knew that answer, Kim Bunhong realized that his life could never go back to the way it was before.
Though he had returned from the brink of death, he had seemed to be dreaming a long, long dream ever since his regression. He had no sense of reality, but now he finally felt that he was completely separated from himself before regression.
He didn’t want something grand.
He didn’t want to be forgotten.
He wanted to live.
He…… did.
He wanted only that one thing, earnestly wished for it.
From the highest place, in front of as many people as possible, he wanted to sing and dance. And he hoped everyone wouldn’t turn away from such a stage of his but would watch, so if they saw him, whoever they were, he hoped they wouldn’t forget that scene.
His heart repeatedly pounded violently enough to break through the fragile flesh between his constantly rising and falling ribs and reveal its form.
‘Is this emotion trembling caused by nervousness?’
It was too ecstatic to say that.
Strong excitement enough to melt his brain filled him completely, so much so that he wouldn’t even remember how he finished the stage after this.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
