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He suggested they go up together, Ido had definitely proposed that, but Kim Bunhong thought it was really strange.
‘I feel like I’ve become a bystander who is now watching closely to see how far hyung can fall… until the predicted downfall comes.’
Together, the former lovers who had been at the bottom of life looked at each other. Ido was the first to break the taboo between them and spoke.
“You can make it.”
“……”
“The sound, like Lee Hanbit.”
No, did he even know that this was Bunhong’s taboo from the beginning? Because he didn’t know, he could do this, Bunhong thought as he felt his ex-lover’s touch brutally digging into his wounds and helplessly faced the pain of his heart being torn to pieces like a sudden tsunami washing over him.
Kim Bunhong was simply curious. How could Ido say such things while looking straight into his eyes like this? Did emotions not exist for him from the beginning? Then what were those smiles he had shown him?
He wanted to actually ask if all the words and actions he had done to him were also acting, just like he did to his producer colleagues who worked with him earlier, but he couldn’t dare to do so because he was afraid that Ido might confess that yes, you’re right, that’s actually how it was – Bunhong absolutely couldn’t ask that.
Like the lyrics of the Neverland song he wrote, beautiful lies are unchanging rather than painful truths. That’s why he was losing. Even if love makes a person, or a person makes love into a fool, if he could live only in the sweet fictional world born from Jeong Ido’s hands with his eyes covered, even if it would eventually turn into bubbles and disappear… Bunhong sincerely believed he was happy.
Wake up from the dream. As if this is reality, Ido finally notified Bunhong until the very end.
“There’s still one missing among the three, so you can’t become a perfect vocalist.”
“……”
“Instead, you become a perfect actor. Like when you danced yesterday.”
“……”
“Bunhong. You know too. You must have felt it all this time? That you can’t stand on stage with an incomplete song.”
Yesterday’s memory flashed through Kim Bunhong’s mind. Rather than being publicly humiliated in front of other people, he should have just not danced at all from the beginning, Bunhong said with belated regret.
“……You were watching.”
That’s right. Jeong Ido had already finished assessing Kim Bunhong’s utility value from the audition venue and brought him here. Even knowing everything.
“But don’t feel too burdened. You just need to imitate convincingly.”
……That’s what Jeong Ido said, and Kim Bunhong didn’t cry. He was amazed at himself that he could be this calm in such a situation. He just clenched his fist tightly. As he always did when holding back tears.
He applied so much force that his nails dug into his palm, but Bunhong couldn’t feel any pain at all.
At that moment, the fact that he and Lee Hanbit had the same natural vocal range couldn’t be more resentful.
* * *
Again, Jeong Ido spoke to Kim Bunhong almost in a whisper with his snake-like cunning tongue. His long fingers rubbed the table inside the studio, exactly the same spot as if wiping away traces of semen that had splattered when they had sex.
“That song. It was for you.”
The voice and content were as sweet as if making an unsuitable proposal.
“The song you sang at the audition,”
“……”
“You asked for it. To make it. A song written only for you, just for you.”
His attitude of quite affectionately soothing and coaxing him was so confident that past memories overlapped on top of it, and Bunhong, who was at a loss for words, kept silent for a moment before finally opening his mouth.
“……That’s right. That’s definitely what happened.”
He couldn’t contain his anger. His chest was boiling. Bunhong’s voice began to tremble with overwhelming emotion.
“You wrote it for me? Ha. As if I wouldn’t have known that. I already knew that much.”
He was so caught up in excitement that he didn’t realize he had stopped using honorifics and was speaking casually.
“Anyone could see it was about hyung and me. It was a story only we could tell.”
There were lonely moments when even when they were together, he always felt alone. Toward the back of his lover who turned away countless times, Bunhong desperately prayed. Please don’t leave him alone, don’t go…… Even though he never once voiced those sincere feelings properly except for the last time they broke up, Bunhong felt that Ido was always listening. When they were alone together in the studio, he would keep Bunhong by his side and scribble notes on sheet music.
He defined that feeling of his as love. It was none other than Ido who bloomed the emotions that had grown without Bunhong knowing.
Bunhong muttered as if dejected.
“But why is there nothing left for me?”
Even the moment he fell in love, he was alone. What was drawn in the sheet music he couldn’t possess were all notes he couldn’t sing. Because it wasn’t his, it was a song he could never covet.
Ido said that song was one he wrote for Bunhong, but the person in question received neither the song nor the heart from him.
Bunhong, who no longer wanted to hear Jeong Ido’s words that were close to hopeful torture filled with lies, vehemently denied.
“……Even though you did that. Saying you wrote it for me. Don’t deceive me anymore. I’m not a fool.”
Then there was an unexpected remark that caught Bunhong’s steps as he was about to get up from his seat. Ido revealed an unexpected fact.
“Before the regression, Lee Hanbit,”
“……”
At the familiar name, Bunhong opened his eyes wide.
“He confessed.”
“……”
“According to him, he liked me.”
It wasn’t that Bunhong had never had such suspicions. They had identical appearances, and even their personalities were similar like twins. If that was the case, wouldn’t even the ideal type they harbored in their hearts match? Such fear and the anguish that someday he might covet his lover visited him dozens of times a day during BLACK’s active period.
But to think that wasn’t his misunderstanding or delusion but the truth, Bunhong asked in disbelief at something he absolutely couldn’t believe.
“Why on earth, no, since when……”
“Is that really important now?”
“……”
“Weren’t you wronged all this time?”
“……”
“Think about it. What do you lack compared to him?”
He acted caring as if understanding Bunhong’s feelings. At some point, he came to sit next to him on the sofa and patted his back.
“……”
“Who knows? Whether you might be able to do better is something no one can guess. The past is just the past, the future can be changed as much as you want.”
“……”
“I told you. If we’re together, it’s possible.”
At Ido’s sweet words, Bunhong straightened his bent back. Whether Lee Hanbit had feelings for Jeong Ido or not was already a thing of the past. Since it couldn’t be undone, he couldn’t question it either. However, even knowing that this was Ido’s manipulation, Bunhong couldn’t overcome the hatred rising from deep in his chest.
As if grinding with his molars, Bunhong spat out words.
“You’re not really asking because you don’t know, are you?”
“……”
“The thought of wanting to beat Lee Hanbit? I never dared to wish for that much. The thought of wanting to become like Lee Hanbit?”
“……”
“If I’ve never thought that even once, that would be…… a lie.”
Bunhong, who was avoiding Ido sitting next to him and looking only ahead while rambling and muttering, seemed out of his mind. The prey was caught in a trap. Every time it struggled, the spider web began to shake in response to its movements. Wrapped stickily in invisible threads, Bunhong trembled with fear.
Actually, Bunhong had always been thinking exactly what Ido said even before his regression.
‘Why can’t I become you.’
Even though his outward appearance decorated with a lovely smile might look peaceful at first glance, he had been constantly screaming in one corner of his heart that others couldn’t see.
‘Why, why, why on earth!!! No matter how hard I try, I can’t catch up to you……!’
Resenting himself for not being able to become Lee Hanbit, before his regression he would have sung along dozens, no, hundreds of times. All the songs Lee Hanbit had sung. Because of that, Bunhong remembered clearly.
How much strength Lee Hanbit put into each part when singing. At what moment he would inhale. The way he breathed or everything that constituted Hanbit when he sang – Bunhong had sufficiently grasped all of it in the past too.
However, the reason he couldn’t easily imitate was that his vocal technique was, that was, solely Lee Hanbit’s. In a situation where everyone in the world already knew Lee Hanbit’s vocal technique, even if Bunhong, who was the same member, tried to follow him, no matter how much he imitated, Bunhong would only become Hanbit’s derivative at best.
Now that he had regressed. Jeong Ido’s proposal to become Lee Hanbit’s substitute was exactly that,
‘Why can’t I become you……?’
Because he had been hiding that he secretly harbored such thoughts, everything came back like a boomerang and he was being punished only now, Bunhong thought so.
Telling him to think it over carefully, and if he wanted to gain popularity like Hanbit, to follow his advice, Jeong Ido got up first with a crumpled cigarette pack and left the studio.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
