[Part 1 Bloom]
-1-
―I realized it. What killed me was eighty percent my own greed, and the remaining twenty percent was people turning their backs on me.
If a person’s life could be bound into a single book, this would probably be the first sentence written in this man’s life.
Kim Bunhong. A member of an idol group called BLACK that couldn’t really be called famous.
His selfishness had exhausted even the members who could be considered his closest companions, split the fandom and divided them into factions, and ultimately hurt everyone including himself.
By the time he opened his eyes to himself having become a demon, he had already crossed a river of no return.
BLACK’s discord rumors were already openly known to the extent they could be known. True to a major company with solid backing, the agency’s response was swift, but they couldn’t eradicate the countless pieces of evidence that kept surfacing.
If ten posts were deleted in a day, twice as many netizens with suspicions would flock in to spread the rumors.
And in the end, everyone unanimously said it was Kim Bunhong’s fault. At this point, even he had to admit it. That it was none other than the emotion called inferiority complex that had killed him.
Tomorrow, with only a few hours left, was that guy’s birthday. Even though he had confirmed the manager’s group text saying to come straight to the dorm without leaking to other places since they’d be having a surprise party at midnight, Bunhong, already heavily drunk, drove toward the highway claiming he was going for a drive.
With trembling fingertips, he succeeded in starting the engine after several attempts, and even through his blurry vision, he managed to chase the lights as he drove.
The high concentration of alcohol couldn’t be absorbed and blocked part of his normal thinking. It was just something caused by the single instinct of wanting to feel the cool breeze.
Even in the midst of this, he turned on the car radio because he didn’t like feeling alone. His fingers kept losing strength, preventing him from properly tuning the channel frequency, so the voices of people he couldn’t identify mixed together and flowed out through the crackling noise.
That disorganized commotion brought Bunhong a strange sense of peace.
“Ha…”
A complete mess. Like tangled yarn, he laughed bitterly as he felt kinship with something that had become hopelessly twisted.
It was a birthday party that would go on just fine without him anyway. He had that much awareness. Even if he went, there wouldn’t be anyone there to welcome him.
Knowing this, yet not wanting to continue the already exposed acting by mixing in with the crowd that loved and revered that guy—acting that didn’t work anymore.
Lee Hanbit.
Ever since he started living in the same group as that guy, Bunhong had been constantly suffering. Among the countless negative emotions that gnawed at him, how hard had he tried not to hate that guy?
He tried to put on a mask and pretend to be a good hyung, to imitate the ideal idol member friendship that fans hoped for and the agency wanted, but as that guy’s star quality gradually emerged and became prominent, he realized he could no longer do so.
Until then, he could somehow manage to act, but when the mask came off, what remained was a hideous monster. The inferiority complex that was nothing but ugliness eventually surfaced, and even when he tried to hide it, he could no longer conceal it.
‘Kim Bunhong bullying rumors.’
When all the arrows first targeted that guy, how much euphoria had he felt?
Watching the members and public opinion move according to his will, watching that guy who was always only bright suffer—believe it or not, he… felt happy for the first time since debut. Even knowing that feeling such emotions in these moments was itself abnormal.
Who could I blame now, being like this? No matter how many times he asked himself, it was a question he couldn’t take back or find an answer to. His insides had already festered as much as they could fester and been eaten away as much as they could be eaten away long ago.
He hadn’t known before that the emotion called hatred was addictive like drugs—not just deepening, but a black swamp that stickily sucked him in like tar.
The relationships already ruined, too late to withdraw now. Too late to turn back, and as time passed, even the meaning faded. Gradually, the hatred lost its purpose and became elusive.
Yet that emotion relentlessly controlled Kim Bunhong.
‘Hyung. Bunhong hyung.’
Every time that guy called his name, every time he smiled at him, he couldn’t help but hate it so much.
I feel this much pain when I look at you, so how can you be so calm? If he could, he wanted to grab him by the collar and shout that question. If only that good-natured face could be crumpled that way.
Even though when everyone turned their backs on him and Bunhong was left alone, the only one who extended a hand to him was none other than that very guy.
But that composure belonged to the victor. For Kim Bunhong, the loser, that unfounded trust was deception, and instead became a catalyst that stimulated his inferiority complex.
Tearing that guy’s costume and shoving it in the trash just before standby, subtly ostracizing him, making up non-existent rumors and inflating them and spreading them around.
Even though his misdeeds could be listed endlessly, Lee Hanbit absolutely wouldn’t believe it.
‘There’s no way Bunhong hyung would do that.’
Instead, whenever an incident occurred, Lee Hanbit would always carry those words around like a habit and try hard to defend Bunhong, but everyone except him already knew the truth.
That Kim Bunhong didn’t just terribly dislike Lee Hanbit but actually hated him—only that guy really wouldn’t know that. Thinking of that naive face made him nauseous.
‘Ugh.’
Bunhong quickly covered his mouth with his hand that wasn’t holding the steering wheel and suppressed the urge to vomit. He frowned and opened and closed his mouth. Just opening it briefly produced a bad smell. Without realizing it, gastric acid was dripping from the corners of his mouth.
Ring ring. Ring ring.
That’s when it happened.
[Caller: Lee Hanbit]
Unbelievably, it was an unexpected call from that guy.
“What timing.”
Muttering helplessly, he stared at the screen glowing in the darkness as if entranced, then looked at his wrist watch that was also shining in the light.
He didn’t wear any other particular accessories, but always wearing a watch on his wrist was one of Kim Bunhong’s long-standing habits. It wasn’t expensive though, and the watch he was wearing now was a gift from a fan.
「I’m a fan. I hope you’ll always be filled with only good things.」
That’s what was written in the enclosed letter. It seemed meaningful because it was the first gift he’d received in the name of ‘singer Kim Bunhong’ since debut.
What about now? Had they stopped being a fan? Or were they crying?
“Right. Why did they like someone like me…”
Actually, if only he could, he wanted to say sorry, and that next time they should please become a fan of a much kinder and better singer.
Contrary to his true feelings, the sentence that flowed out was suddenly engulfed by sobs that emerged from deep in his throat, ultimately failing to reach completion.
Without even noticing he was crying, tears were flowing naturally at some point.
Hoping there would be only good things—it wasn’t even grand content, just one sentence, but it felt so lovable because sincerity was visible in the neat, carefully written handwriting.
The first letter he’d received from a fan, he’d handled it until it was worn with fingerprints, and young Kim Bunhong had firmly resolved that he must wear it.
Strangely, whether by coincidence or not, after receiving that gift and wearing it on his wrist, really only good things happened.
Vague hope was like a cake prettily displayed in a showcase, so Bunhong briefly imagined that he might be able to become happy.
Was it wrong to have excessive expectations that even without tasting it, just looking at it from the outside would be sweet?
Like a natural law of life, the moment he realized that ideals are markedly different from reality, everything broke down.
Maybe it would have been better not to have any expectations from the beginning—that’s what the hot teardrops falling on the watch whispered.
Expectations that had soared high and then been broken hurt like being thrown into thin air without any preparation. Because it made him realize once again that humans like him, inherently formed of inferiority complex and loneliness, were no different from being cursed.
“There’s no way I could be happy. Someone like me… that’s only possible for someone like Lee Hanbit.”
Throughout their idol activities together, Lee Hanbit was the protagonist, and Kim Bunhong was merely a supporting character to make him stand out. As time went by, rather than accepting that fact, only his pathetic pride took precedence.
The car caught at a traffic light didn’t move for a while. Taking his hands off the steering wheel, Bunhong decided to answer a call he would never have answered if he were in his right mind, and pressed the call button.
Despite the delayed response from the other party, the phone that had kept ringing without being disconnected was immediately connected as soon as Bunhong accepted.
“Why did you call?”
Trying to sound as cold as possible to avoid being caught having just been crying, when he asked, Hanbit’s voice seemed to shrink as if flustered by Bunhong’s reaction.
-Well, we’re about to start the birthday party, but only hyung isn’t here…
“So what. Why did you call. Did you want to receive a present or something?”
The last thing he said was quite funny to himself, so Bunhong buried his face on the steering wheel and giggled.
A present.
What did he give last year…
Now that he thought about it, fatigue hit him all at once and his eyes naturally closed. Feeling like he’d feel better if he fell asleep like this, Bunhong yawned several times.
-…
“Please. Let me not…”
Let me not hate you, he was about to mumble and say that far when he suddenly snapped awake.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
