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As if unsure what words to choose, Rohan moved his lips for a while without uttering a sound. A faint trembling could be felt from his tightly gripped hand. The longer this lasted, the more anxious Arpel became.
Anger, sadness, and disappointment.
All sorts of negative emotions poured out from him. Arpel, who had grown accustomed to experiencing only sweet emotions like affection and love until now, keenly felt the difference. It was even terrifying to realize that these emotions originated from himself.
Belatedly, Rohan opened his mouth.
“…You promised, didn’t you? That you’d come when I called… I called. I definitely called, so why didn’t you come?”
“…Rohan.”
“Even though we made a promise… Why?”
As if trying to endure the swirling emotions, Rohan tightly closed his eyes and then opened them again. His eyes, the color of the sun, had darkened considerably. Faced with all the intense emotions filling those eyes, Arpel couldn’t say anything.
“…I want to know what Arpel is thinking. I wish I could… understand the emotions Arpel feels.”
“……”
“Have you grown tired of me? Was it annoying that I kept trying to stay by your side?”
“No. That’s not it. That couldn’t be.”
The answer came out reflexively. Rohan’s intense gaze softened a little. It was because Arpel’s face, immediately denying it, looked precarious.
Looking at that seemingly disoriented appearance, Rohan tried hard to quell the anger boiling inside him. He deliberately loosened the grip on Arpel’s hand that was about to tighten even more.
Don’t get angry. Stop it. Only after repeating this to himself several times did the redness of anger coating his mind gradually subside. He didn’t want to be angry at Arpel when he should be showing only kindness and affection. But…
‘Never again.’
This must never happen again. Arpel being alone with someone else who has feelings for him.
Rohan’s sighting of Arpel was by chance. As he was passing through the palace corridor, he glanced towards the outside garden and easily spotted Arpel among the dense rose bushes. And the Crown Prince standing opposite him as well.
The moment he recognized this scene, Rohan’s face hardened. More than the memory of their promise not to meet alone, the thought of wanting to remove that man currently facing Arpel surfaced.
Although they had never met face to face, Rohan couldn’t help but recognize Luciel’s face after seeing it so many times during the banquet.
Until then, he had thought no good words could have been exchanged. He was surely on the Emperor’s side, so he couldn’t have good feelings towards Arpel. That was until he heard the conversation carried by the wind.
-But if you leave the temple… I will surely take you in. This much I can swear on my name.
What he heard was the latter part of the conversation, but Rohan knew that the content of Luciel’s proposal was not ordinary.
In the blink of an eye, Rohan’s face cooled as if his emotions had been stripped away.
That earnestly whispering voice, the look in his eyes as he gazed at Arpel, the body that couldn’t stay still… It all showed the emotions he harbored for Arpel.
That someone else dared to confess the same feelings he had for Arpel.
‘Arpel.’
Rohan immediately called for Arpel. Don’t listen to such words and come back right now, he repeated Arpel’s name over and over. But Arpel didn’t respond to his call. Even though he desired him so intensely.
At that moment, it felt like his heart dropped. Even though they were clearly bound like this, Arpel could easily slip out of his hands at any time, so he should tie him even tighter so he can’t escape.
He even had the illusion of someone whispering in his ear.
Time passed slowly, and Arpel opening his mouth was just as slow. Despite reason arguing that there was no way he would accept, Rohan was engulfed by an inexplicable anxiety. So he intervened. Throwing himself from the window where he had been watching.
The memory of those who witnessed this together nearby was completely erased from his mind. Rohan, like that, quickened his pace while looking only at Arpel.
The more he recalled that memory, the more his throat burned. Desperately suppressing the desire to bind Arpel to his side forever, he entwined their held hands even more deeply. Interlocking their fingers without any gaps made him feel somewhat better.
“Or… do you dislike that I love you?”
Would you prefer if I loved someone else?
The small, shrinking voice dispersed into the air, but it wasn’t so quiet that Arpel, who was right beside him, couldn’t hear it.
Rohan’s eyes drooped, but occasionally he narrowed them to examine Arpel’s face. Arpel’s eyes were wide open as if in shock.
“If Arpel says so, I’ll try… So please, don’t hate me… okay?”
Even if Arpel said so, there was no way Rohan would ever give up. Just as Arpel had once said, “You’re the only one who has meaning to me,” Arpel was also the most meaningful existence to Rohan.
So if Arpel were gone, Rohan’s world would completely fade. There would be no reason to hold onto such a world.
The proposition of Rohan letting go of Arpel was impossible from the start. Yet, the reason he spoke these words laced with lies, these hollow words, was because Rohan had a certain conviction.
“…No. Don’t do that.”
The conviction that Arpel wouldn’t allow it.
As soon as he heard Rohan’s words, Arpel’s face turned pale. He pulled on Rohan’s arm as if saying absolutely not to do that, gripped their joined hands tighter, and his pupils shook precariously like a lamp flame in strong wind.
At this clear change, Rohan barely managed to stop the corners of his mouth from rising. Nevertheless, he couldn’t hide the joy welling up in his eyes, so he chose to rest his head on Arpel’s shoulder rather than looking at him directly.
Leaning against the body that couldn’t hide its trembling, he whispered.
“Then, please stay by my side… okay?”
There was only one choice Arpel could make. To nod at Rohan’s plea and comfort him.
Rohan did his best to suppress his emotions so that Arpel would pity him. To ensure this clear joy wouldn’t seep into him.
Even though Arpel might have noticed a tiny fragment of joy, he seemed too preoccupied by the words Rohan had just uttered to pay much attention.
Rohan thought that the day when Arpel would give him the answer he wanted was truly not far off.
***
Rohan led Arpel somewhere. Arpel simply followed Rohan’s steps, his hand tightly held. Occasionally, his eyes would glance sideways to gauge Rohan’s mood.
‘…That’s not what I meant to do.’
Regardless of what the Crown Prince thought or said… he should have just gone to Rohan the moment he called. As soon as he met those trembling eyes, Arpel felt his chest tighten greatly.
He had made Rohan sad. That was absolutely unforgivable…
‘Would you prefer if I loved someone else?’
The low voice asking that question lingered.
Asking if he’d prefer Rohan to love someone else. The moment he heard that question, Arpel felt as if the whole world had turned hazy, as if his mind was filled with fog.
He also recalled the woman in elaborate attire who had boldly proposed marriage to him. It was a memory he had tried to push to a corner of his mind.
Just thinking about Rohan whispering love and affection to someone else in the same way made something well up to his throat. Apart from still being able to stay by his side, the desire to not give even a grain of the emotion Rohan gave him to anyone else raised its head.
The undefined emotion grew excessively large. It was no longer ignorable. With his feelings grown to this extent, Arpel felt he could no longer just watch over Rohan as before.
Once, he had thought that because he wasn’t human, he wanted to maintain the line of being human. That he, who was like a parent, shouldn’t dare to love Rohan. It was also the main reason for rejecting his confession. It was one of the things he believed would never change.
But that thought changed rapidly as soon as he experienced a situation where he might have to give Rohan’s side to someone else.
‘In the end… I’m not human.’
Did he really have to keep that line, that principle?
Just take him. You want to, don’t you? What if someone else takes him? It was as if a devil was whispering from a corner of his mind.
…I don’t want to lose him.
“Arpel?”
“Ah.”
Was it because of the raw desire he had for Rohan? Arpel unknowingly tightened his grip on Rohan’s hand. Rohan’s face, as he stopped walking and turned his head, was filled with puzzlement.
“Are you not feeling well?”
“No, that’s not it…”
Although he gently gave a negative answer, Rohan suddenly pulled Arpel’s arm. Unable to react to the unexpected action, his body helplessly drew closer to Rohan.
For a moment, Arpel held his breath. Rohan’s face was too close. Unable to push him away or step back, he could only blankly watch this action. His body wouldn’t move.
It felt like something was tightly stretched. An precarious feeling that seemed like it would snap at any moment continued. Rohan’s face, which had been getting closer and closer, finally touched Arpel with a soft thud. More precisely, Rohan’s forehead touched Arpel’s forehead.
“It doesn’t seem like you have a fever…”
The words “A sword doesn’t get a fever” rose to the tip of his tongue, but Arpel chose to keep his mouth shut. Although it felt precarious as if he couldn’t breathe, Rohan’s body temperature on his forehead wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
Rather…
“…Arpel, your face is red? Are you sure you don’t have a fever?”
“What?”
Belatedly, the hand caressing his cheek was urgent. That couldn’t be. Even as he thought this, he frantically looked around, unable to find anything to check his face.
Looking at the flustered Arpel, Rohan simply wore a mischievous smile. Unfortunately, Arpel was unaware of this fact. In a way, it was a lie, but Rohan was very confident.
‘It’s not a complete lie, after all.’
Just his ears, not his cheeks.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
