It was the picture I had seen before in Cedric’s office. I was wearing a white dress and holding a pink bouquet. Personally, I didn’t like the photo. I looked so tense and stiff, which made me dislike it even more.
Cedric had kept this photo before, but I wondered why it was here now.
“Why is this picture here?”
“To look at when I miss you.”
He said it without hesitation. Surprised, I looked at Cedric, and he smiled slightly before explaining to Vincent.
“Your mother was very beautiful then. The pink rose bouquet suited her well.”
I was sitting right beside him, so I felt my face flush hearing him say that to Vincent. At that moment, Vincent motioned for him to put him down. Cedric calmly set him down, and Vincent ran to the wolf decoration on the table.
As I stood quietly, Cedric looked at me. His gaze was strange and intense.
“That must have been the worst time for you.”
I glanced at Cedric, and he looked back with cold eyes.
“Because I was the worst, wasn’t I?”
There was a lot of emotion in his voice. I didn’t know where things had gone wrong, but it felt like Cedric was saying mixed things about that time. Without thinking, I spoke.
“I liked marrying you.”
Cedric stared at me with a fixed gaze. Thinking about our wedding made my heart ache, and I lowered my head. Then, his unusually low voice sounded.
“Is that true?”
I didn’t want to admit it now, but I felt I should tell the truth, so I spoke.
“…I also liked it when you gave me the proposal.”
“When did you start to dislike me?”
He looked serious. Even though Vincent was fussing, wanting to touch the gun, Cedric kept looking only at me. I turned my eyes away and went over to Vincent.
“Vincent, the gun is too dangerous to touch right now.”
“But I want to see it close.”
At that moment, Cedric picked up Vincent and hugged him. Vincent smiled brightly and hugged Cedric’s neck. Cedric didn’t mind and let Vincent touch the gun. I tried to stop Vincent, but Cedric looked at me and said,
“I took out all the bullets, so it’s safe.”
There was a slight dryness in his low voice. Vincent asked many questions, and Cedric answered in detail, explaining the gun in a way Vincent could understand.
Standing beside Cedric, I felt worse. I had hurt him and been hurt by him before. That’s why I tried to stay away from him, to avoid those feelings.
But Cedric seemed to force me to look at him. He wanted me to see him. And with Vincent, he was doing better as a father than I had expected.
I had given birth to and raised Vincent alone. I thought I was the only one to Vincent, but now, Vincent relied on Cedric like the sky would fall without him.
Remembering when I depended on Cedric made me feel uneasy. Vincent was still talking about guns with Cedric. When Cedric laughed, Vincent laughed too. They already seemed to have a happy bond.
I didn’t have the will to join them, so I sat on a nearby chair. Cedric held Vincent for a long time, explaining the guns and knives around.
‘Doesn’t his arm hurt?’
He even had an injured hand. Also, Vincent was tall for four years old. I couldn’t hold him for even five minutes, let alone ten. But Cedric held him steadily, looking like it wasn’t hard. They looked like a perfect father and son.
I stared at the wolf decoration on the desk with a stiff face. It was finely carved from black stone, and the wolf’s bared teeth looked very real. As I stared at the decoration, the chair next to me moved slightly, and a dry but deep forest scent suddenly filled the air. Surprised, I looked over and saw Cedric staring at me seriously.
“Where is Vincent?”
“I put him to sleep.”
When I turned my head, Cedric still watched me and said,
“He’s in the room now.”
As I tried to stand up, Cedric said,
“When did you start to dislike me?”
When I looked at him, his cold eyes held me tightly, persistently.
“I thought maybe I was the worst since you hated that rose bouquet from the wedding.”
I stared at him silently. Cedric gave a dry laugh and said,
“You said you liked it when I gave the proposal.”
My face burned as if I had told him all my inner thoughts. I had been thinking about this alone for a long time. I thought it wouldn’t help if he knew.
He looked at me calmly and smiled faintly.
“So you liked me from then?”
I avoided his gaze and said,
“Not now.”
“Is that so?”
I was confused by his question, and when I looked at him, he put one hand near my thigh and looked at me. His breath came close for a moment, and I stepped back, but he didn’t look away.
“You liked me when we married, but why did that pink rose become the worst?”
His voice was soft. His lazy attitude had a quietly persistent side. I didn’t have anywhere else to retreat, so I purposely didn’t look at Cedric.
“Revril, I want to hear your voice.”
His low voice was kind, reminding me of how he used to be. Nervously, I fiddled with my hands. I thought I liked him but hated it when he didn’t come closer. But in the end, Cedric thought I didn’t come closer because I had a fear of intimacy.
I didn’t know if Cedric was sincere then. Explaining everything felt like losing pride, so I finally said what had been bothering me.
“I didn’t even know I had fear of intimacy then.”
“So?”
I bit my lip.
‘I should have noticed by now.’
Cedric waited stubbornly as if wanting my answer. No matter how much I thought, I couldn’t understand his attitude, so I said,
“You know it too.”
“But I don’t know your true feelings.”
“You said you could see when I’m having a hard time.”
“That’s because negative feelings show clearly on your face.”
“Then positive feelings should show clearly to you too, right?”
Cedric smiled dryly.
“Strangely, I can’t notice those easily.”
Cedric seemed relaxed. Remembering how empty I felt telling him everything before, I couldn’t easily speak. When I told everything, he said things I didn’t expect, making me feel emptier.
“Revril.”
Cedric stared at me persistently. I bit my lip. The more I was with him, the more my heart twisted. Especially when he was kind with Vincent, it felt like I was seeing the person I wanted all along, and anger rose inside me.
“You should have just told me everything.”
The words slipped out without thinking. Tears fell before I noticed. It hurt that we always missed each other. The time I hoped and imagined alone only made me shrink more. But now that we were so broken, I felt like there was nothing I couldn’t say.
Still, I didn’t want to hurt Cedric on purpose, so I told the truth.
“I was happy when I got your proposal. I thought I wouldn’t get married because of my father’s personality and what people said, and that I’d just get scolded, but your proposal came.”
“…”
“And I was happy when we married. I was nervous, but the wedding was the most beautiful I had ever seen. To me, it was perfect.”
Cedric didn’t look away from me. I deliberately didn’t look at him as I spoke.
“And I liked you too. You were more than I deserved, but you were the person I always wanted. But you didn’t care, you built walls when I tried to get close, and though you always did what I wanted, I still…”
I couldn’t say more and lowered my head deeply. Thinking about the times I hoped but only felt emptiness made me feel pathetic.
“So I hoped you would just treat me badly from the start. At least you did your best for me.”
Cedric knew about my fear of intimacy but didn’t stop the marriage, so maybe he did do his best.
I raised my hand and wiped my tears. The more I talked to Cedric, the more pathetic I felt. That’s why I hadn’t told him before.
Then Cedric touched one side of my cheek.
