16
“Who would trust whom? You know how dangerous the world is to trust someone you’ve only exchanged a few words with. Especially someone who didn’t even visit me in the hospital. Don’t worry, there’s not a single trustworthy person in this household.”
Including you. Though I implied this thought indirectly, my father’s expression didn’t change much as he looked at me. I don’t know if he was always like this, or if living in this house changed him.
“Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”
“It’s concerning to send you to a crowded place, but I assume you’re already aware of the precautions you need to take as an omega.”
“Y-yes, of course.”
I rolled my eyes and awkwardly forced a smile. Before being discharged, father had sent someone to give me a crash course in sex education, but it was difficult to understand, and I couldn’t make sense of what they were saying, so I spent more than half the time dozing off with my eyes open.
I couldn’t help it—I was a patient, after all. Whether they put sleeping pills in the hospital food or sprayed sleeping gas in the room, strangely, just breathing in the hospital made me drowsy. In that state, they were going on about feeling pheromones that couldn’t be seen or touched—such pie-in-the-sky nonsense. Even if I wanted to listen attentively, my eyes closed involuntarily.
“Don’t mingle with alphas, and if someone makes a pass at you, avoid them. Whatever relationship might form there won’t lead to anything meaningful. It’s just playing with fire. You need to protect your own body.”
Min Jaehee and Cha Sukyung were both born with the same equipment between their legs, but somehow the nuance of this advice felt different.
I agree that men should treasure and be careful with what hangs between their legs. I know it’s something to be wielded appropriately according to time, purpose, and partner, but somehow father seemed less worried about me misusing my own equipment and more concerned about someone else’s being misused on me.
“Try to erase your presence as much as possible. Be there without being noticed, and come back.”
“I’ll try my best.”
I’m actually a well-behaved guy if no one bothers me, but wherever I go, there’s always one or two people who get on my nerves. When I answered that I’d try my best, father’s brow furrowed.
“If you’ve said all you needed to about the gathering, there’s something I’d like to ask.”
“Go ahead.”
I took a sip of the tea I was holding to buy time to organize my thoughts. It was bland water with no scent or taste. It had a slightly astringent flavor like herbal tea, but even that was faint and far from my preference for stimulating instant coffee.
“About Min Jaehee.”
Father tilted his head at the name that came from my lips. I guess it’s been long enough that even the name has faded from his memory.
“The man who fell from the pedestrian bridge with me… the one who died.”
“Ah… why are you asking about him?”
“What did you do with him? Like, his posthumous arrangements. Whether he was buried or cremated, and if cremated, whether his ashes were placed in a columbarium or scattered elsewhere. I don’t think I’ve heard anything about it since.”
“He was reported as an unclaimed deceased and the city took care of his funeral. He was kept in the morgue for about a week before being transferred.”
I was waiting for him to continue, but father closed his mouth after that.
“That’s it?”
“What else would you like to hear?”
“No, it’s just… it feels wrong. He died because of me, trying to save me… Shouldn’t you feel some responsibility or gratitude as my father? If it were me, I would have given him a proper three-day funeral. Especially when you own an enormous funeral hall right next to your impressive hospital.”
But instead, you left him in the morgue for a week and let the city handle him. That’s too cold-hearted. And you didn’t even tell me anything. This must be why they say the wealthy are more heartless.
My father sighed quietly at my gaze filled with discontent and resentment.
“Are you saying I should have broken the law out of responsibility and gratitude?”
“Who’s asking you to do something illegal? Since you already own a funeral home, couldn’t you have at least given him a modest funeral?”
“That would have been illegal, my son. Only the deceased’s family can hold a funeral. If we had arranged a funeral out of gratitude, we would have all gone to prison for improperly handling and desecrating a corpse.”
“What kind of fucked-up—”
“You should refrain from such language. I understand how you feel, but that’s the law. So don’t feel guilty about this. It’s regrettable and I’m grateful that he saved you and died instead, but… no, you should rest now.”
Father pressed his lips together as if about to say something, then picked up the tray and stood up.
“What is it?”
I blocked his path and raised my chin to meet his eyes.
“What were you going to say?”
“…Do you want to hear it?”
“Yes.”
“…There’s nothing you can do for the dead. Because they’re gone. If you feel grateful and sorry toward that person, then make sure there won’t be another person like him… That’s what I was going to say.”
So he’s advising me not to cause another accident claiming to want to die and creating an innocent victim. Though he’s the family member who pays the most attention to me, he still lacks warmth and affection. I wonder if our father speaks this eloquently in his social life.
“Yes, yes. I’ve learned a lot from this experience. I don’t know why I wanted to die, but I shouldn’t drag innocent people down with me. So from now on, I won’t die, and I won’t let innocent people die either. If someone bullies me, I’ll make them feel the same way. It’s too frustrating to always be on the receiving end, right?”
“…That’s right. I truly hope it works out that way. If those people felt the same way, perhaps they’d learn what it means to do wrong.”
Father spoke in a distant voice, looking at the empty space beyond my shoulder. It seems like he has something he can’t talk about either. Is having one secret each a characteristic of this family? There seem to be so many hidden things that I might get swept away if I’m not careful.
“Rest well.”
I watched father’s back as he left the room without making a sound. He’s not having an easy time either. This place feels like a gathering of strange people. Or maybe this is how rich people live, and I’m just not used to it.
I flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. It was clean white, incomparable to the ceiling of the goshiwon where Min Jaehee lived. The wallpaper in the goshiwon room was so yellowed with grime that one might think it was originally yellow, and mold grew in the corners, creating blotchy spots. There was even a burned black mark on one side of the floor covering, though I’m not sure what caused it.
Still, I felt more at ease there. After finishing the day’s work and returning, I was often so tired that I fell asleep without washing up. But when I collapsed into bed, I felt like, “now I can rest.”
Here… my body is comfortable, but my mind is uneasy. Wearing clothes that don’t suit me, eating food that doesn’t suit me, and trying to sleep in a room that doesn’t suit me puts a lot of psychological pressure on me. It might also be guilt from feeling like I’m living someone else’s stolen life.
I wonder if my dead body was properly handled.
I don’t know where the city cremated me and placed my remains. I’m not expecting to have been given a funeral, properly buried in a grave according to customs, or cremated and placed in a columbarium. What would a dead person know? Who cares if I was thrown in the mountains and became food for wild dogs? Even if I had died as Min Jaehee, there would have been no one to take care of me. I would have met the same fate.
Still, I had some lingering attachment. My body died, but I’m still alive here as Cha Sukyung. I wonder if I could have at least made sure my dead body had a clean end—that lingering attachment.
It’s all pointless.
These household people are complete strangers to me, and they don’t even care about Cha Sukyung who is supposed to be family, so why would they care about Min Jaehee who died in place of Cha Sukyung?
I, too, needed to let go of my attachment to Min Jaehee in order to live as Cha Sukyung. It was time to stop caring about my dead body and figure out how to survive from now on.
Farewell, Min Jaehee.
Unable to confirm his final moments, I bid farewell in my heart and resolved to become fully Cha Sukyung.
∞ ∞ ∞
“We need to depart.”
Lee Gyeongjin had been urging me from outside the room for the past ten minutes. I wanted to confidently shout “Let’s go!” and walk out, but reality was still harsh to me.
After struggling alone, I finally opened the door and approached Lee Gyeongjin. He looked perfectly put together from head to toe as I slowly scanned him.
“Help me.”
Lee Gyeongjin, who had been looking at me with a surprised expression since I hadn’t even changed my clothes yet, became even more confused at my words.
“I need help. Desperately.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Come in.”
I grabbed Lee Gyeongjin’s wrist and dragged him into the room. Making strange sounds like “uh, uh, uh?” as he was pulled in, Lee Gyeongjin gasped when he saw the chaotic state of the room.
“You know I’m supposed to go to the gathering, right? I don’t know what to wear. They told me to wear formal attire, but I’ve never worn formal clothes before. How should I dress? Should I dress like you’re dressed now? Is the formal wear over here? There’s so much—what should I wear?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
