#57
***
I felt like I would suffocate.
The gaze fixed on me wouldn’t look away. Since I entered this room, Persis hadn’t taken his eyes off me for a moment. Is he going to criticize me again for doing something reckless? In the past, his words would have hurt me, but today is different.
Even Kara, who is stingy with praise, told me I did well. I might have acted more intelligently, but I didn’t feel that what I did was wrong. So I could face his gaze confidently. At least, until just now.
But as time passed and his gaze remained fixed on me, my composed heart began to waver. To be more precise, I became conscious of the person next to me. It was truly agonizing to be silently reproached with just his eyes.
The place where Kara had brought me, telling me to wait a moment, was a shelter slightly removed from the building. And inside, there was already a guest. It was Persis, who had evacuated earlier with the security guards.
I tried to forget Persis’s unrelenting gaze. It would be better if he would say something, but Persis remained silent until the end.
What should I do about this? While I was contemplating, rolling my eyes around, Persis, who had been still, finally spoke.
“Aren’t you afraid of me?”
What does he mean by that? I wracked my brain but couldn’t understand what Persis was trying to say.
Afraid? I had never once felt afraid of Persis. I knew his immense power and the great ideals he held, but none of those things gave me reason to fear him.
Persis was Persis. He was worthy of becoming the Emperor who would rule this country, he had the ability to become Iria’s irreplaceable person, and he had become a precious person I had to protect. Rather than fear, I felt concern and affection for him, and sometimes he felt like a younger brother I couldn’t leave alone.
“But I’m afraid of you.”
Persis very calmly shared his thoughts.
So I really am disliked. To the extent that he would so honestly say he’s afraid of me. It seemed like he wanted to use this opportunity to push me away clearly. I took a very small breath, quiet enough that Persis wouldn’t hear.
I knew well that my actions had been a burden to Persis. Still, I couldn’t just sit and wait when he was in danger. Though it might sound like an excuse to him. But to the extent of being afraid?
So this is as far as I can interfere. Hiding a bitter smile, I met Persis’s eyes.
If he intended to exclude me from his life, I should comply with his wishes. I also knew that was the right answer.
However, what came out of Persis’s mouth was completely different from what I expected.
“I’m always afraid of when you’ll be disappointed in me. When you’ll blame me. I’m always scared.”
I couldn’t understand what Persis was saying. I had no idea what he meant by those words. It sounded awkward, like hearing something for the first time, and I couldn’t quite grasp it, but I don’t know why his voice embedded itself so distinctly in my heart. The voice that leaped into me slowly melted into my heart. Then my heartbeat began to slow down. It wouldn’t be strange if it stopped right there.
Meanwhile, Persis continued speaking.
“Why don’t you say anything? Why don’t you blame me? I was the one who pushed you away.”
I didn’t expect Persis to bring up that incident.
Persis and I are not ordinary friends. We weren’t people who met briefly as children and naturally grew apart, nor were we friends who could pretend not to see past events and move on. We couldn’t just casually mention it like ordinary people, saying “that’s how it was back then,” and briefly reminisce.
Persis was royalty. If Persis didn’t want it, no one could tell him he was wrong, and even if someone did, if Persis defined it as not wrong, then it would become right.
This world was that kind of world, and Persis had that much power. I hoped Persis wouldn’t use his power arbitrarily, but for this matter, I wished he would let it pass without questioning.
“Why are you pretending nothing happened?”
He wasn’t urging me. He was just speaking like someone who was somewhat dejected, as if he had laid down everything.
When I remained silent, Persis let out a long sigh and brushed up his bangs that had fallen down. I could see his fingertips trembling slightly through his hair. As soon as I saw that, his voice that had melted into my heart became a sharp awl that pierced my chest. I couldn’t bear the spreading pain any longer.
I rushed over in one step and grabbed Persis’s hand. Persis, who was sitting down, looked up at me standing in front of him. His hand between my two hands was cold enough to make me shiver. How could I warm this hand? I racked my brain over and over, but no answer came.
It’s not my place to warm this hand. It’s also not my place to caress and comfort him. Standing by his side to give advice or showing him the right path, none of these were my duties.
Despite knowing this, I couldn’t let go of his hand. It was a foolish obstinacy and something I shouldn’t do.
But things were already so tangled, so perhaps this much was okay.
“It’s not Persis’s fault.”
I utter Persis’s name. Since childhood, he liked being called by his name. Persis, who had lost his mother early, wasn’t called by his name by anyone. The Emperor, who had no interest in his children, would hardly have taken care of Persis. Even the palace employees who doted on Persis, calling him “Your Highness,” couldn’t call him by his name.
Though he was brighter than anyone, he was also lonelier than anyone. The only ones who could call this prince by his name were his playmates.
We might have misunderstood back then because we were young. Or perhaps he was just being capricious. All children are like that. He probably pushed me away because he was momentarily upset. But this kind prince would soon realize his true feelings and regret it. He would realize how sad I would have been. Perhaps he even wanted to find me again. If he hadn’t been a prince, that level of caprice would have been possible.
But Persis was a prince. He couldn’t take back his words, and Rikin had already taken my place.
If he had changed his words immediately, it might have been different. But with each passing day, the opportunity to retract his words would have disappeared. The gap Persis created would have grown deeper, and he would have thought it could never be reversed. Even I thought so.
“How is it not my fault? I was the one who said it?”
“We were both very young then, Persis. We shouldn’t judge every action of young children.”
“Is that all it was to you? Was it just that much to you?”
Persis’s eyes intensified. It was heartbreaking to see, but I had to say this.
“Yes. Just that much.”
What else could I do? It had already happened, and Persis at that time was too young to expect proper judgment. We were separated for a long time because of it, but given our situations, it was unavoidable. Moreover, it was right for me to distance myself from Persis because it was a time when Rikin and Persis needed to become closer.
Seeing Persis’s face distort as if hurt by my words, I couldn’t help but smile because he looked both pitiful and somewhat cute. Persis’s face contorted, as if he was upset.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
Unlike in the past, the current Persis probably wouldn’t be pleased to be called cute. I trailed off, trying to hide my expression. If this continued, Persis might really get angry.
“It can’t be helped. I’ve always thought, from then until now, that Persis didn’t like me.”
I felt that his heart, which had changed like a whim, continued to this day, making him averse to me. I had been convinced that all the occasional kindness he had shown me was just because Persis was a good person…
Looking at Persis, who was looking up with a somewhat pitiful face, I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t ask why he did it then, nor could I press him on why he hadn’t told me this earlier.
Thinking about it, it was impossible for me to move away from Persis’s side. Even when it was time to end my role as his playmate, hadn’t I worried about how to do it because I couldn’t do it myself? In the end, I couldn’t find a way to distance myself from him and decided to stay by his side for a few more years.
If Persis didn’t push me away first, I wouldn’t leave his side. Now I understood why Persis said he was afraid of me. Because I was afraid too. Persis held the knife that would end this relationship. If he didn’t want it, we would grow apart again.
“Ana, I…”
Persis opened his mouth as if about to share something difficult. I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to speak. Perhaps without me asking, Persis would tell me everything. I had decided to listen to whatever he wanted to say.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
