“I only got suspicion, but I should be careful for a while. At this rate, Freddy might really come.”
“But wouldn’t everything be solved when the Marquis comes for you?”
“What would? My expulsion?”
When Kalix lightly grabbed Alexander’s sleeve to indicate they should go to their room, making sure Philip couldn’t see, Philip suddenly looked at Kalix.
“Then Kalix, what about you? Want to come along?”
Although Kalix didn’t know exactly where Philip was suggesting they go, it was probably a bar. At that question, Kalix reflexively looked at Alexander. Kalix had never once gone outside breaking the rules.
Of course, there had definitely been times when Kalix wanted to know how to secretly sneak out of the academy. But not now. Alexander would teach him later anyway. Alexander had said he would teach him when Kalix got well enough. And he’d said it wouldn’t be okay otherwise.
So he naturally thought Alexander would stop him, but Alexander was just looking at Kalix. At that sight, his stomach lurched momentarily. Why, why aren’t you saying it’s not okay?
“No. I’m fine.”
When Kalix finally answered, Alexander looked at Kalix and asked.
“CC, you’re not bad with alcohol, are you?”
Kalix hadn’t drunk much alcohol to begin with, so he didn’t know to what extent being “bad with alcohol” meant. But right now he didn’t feel like thinking about that standard. Did he think it was okay to go out with Philip? But still, Alexander had said he wasn’t going out.
“I’ve been curious for a while, but why CC exactly? Is your given name perhaps Cecilia?”
Even at Philip’s sudden question, Kalix looked at Alexander for a moment, then answered.
“What kind of nonsense is that? That can’t be right.”
He could still feel the stares from people around when Alexander called Kalix by that inappropriate nickname. Of course, Alexander just called him whatever he wanted to call him, as always.
“The first letter is the same.”
Alexander’s answer had never changed either. He seemed to really think it wasn’t strange.
“That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
At that clean tone, Kalix tugged at Alexander’s sleeve again. What if he stayed longer and decided to risk going outside after all?
“I’m going.”
But fortunately, Alexander moved toward the room with those brief words, lightly pushing Kalix’s back. That hand touched very briefly and lightly, just as casually, then immediately fell away. Kalix looked at Alexander as they entered the room.
Contrary to Kalix’s expectation that the atmosphere with Alexander would inevitably become stiff, Alexander was really just like before. As if looking at Kalix so tenderly had never happened. As if calling him so affectionately, smiling so caringly, reaching out so carefully only to not even touch—as if all of that had never happened.
“CC, how about meeting other people?”
When that question suddenly came out around the time they finished preparing for bed, Kalix looked at Alexander.
“What does that mean?”
A cautious question came out even though he hadn’t been conscious of it. He couldn’t know exactly what Alexander meant by it.
“You hate doing the same things with the people you met when your body was taken, right? Then how about meeting completely different people? If you change the environment, you might not remember the old memories.”
Alexander had said Kalix needed someone to help him, and told him to make that person himself. At the time, Kalix hadn’t answered. Because he knew what that meant. But Alexander had already told him it was a more comprehensive meaning than that. So it was different from being together like now.
Of course, Kalix had no intention of actually using Alexander conveniently as Alexander suggested. Still, he’d accepted it as meaning they could be together. But wasn’t that it? So was it meaning to find someone other than Alexander?
Kalix didn’t know what his expression was like as he listened to Alexander’s words, but Alexander’s voice, which had only been calm, became even gentler.
“I don’t mean to entrust everything to that person, but just think about meeting someone casually. Without needing to tell them everything about you, literally just meeting a few times.”
But Kalix didn’t want to meet anyone. Alexander alone was enough. Even so, he knew that was purely for his own convenience. Kalix only needed Alexander, but what about Alexander? Kalix couldn’t even properly take care of Alexander.
“I know your story. So how about meeting other people in a slightly different way?”
Kalix also knew Alexander’s words were right. Otherwise, Alexander would bear too great a burden. Literally, Alexander was all Kalix had.
“Do you think that would help me?”
Even knowing everything, the question that came out had quite a hesitant tone.
“I don’t really know. I’m just saying there’s that method too. You think about it, and if that seems good too, then try it.”
He knows this can’t go on forever. For now, they’ve decided to live like this, but what if Alexander finds someone new to like? Then Alexander would leave. Again.
“Then do you want me to do that?”
Can’t it really stay like this? Why does Alexander have to leave? Kalix only needed Alexander, and Alexander was by his side. Why can’t it stay like this? Everything was enough for Kalix as it was. What should Kalix do to make Alexander feel satisfied too?
“CC, I told you.”
He couldn’t understand what he needed to do to satisfy Alexander. Alexander seemed like he would disappear once Kalix got better. Even now, he was already thinking about setting him up with someone else. He said he’d become a natural person to him. Was that a different story from being together? If so, Alexander didn’t need to be natural. He just needed Alexander to stay with him.
“What’s most important to me is that you get better. If you think that will help you get better, then do that.”
And was Alexander really okay with that? Of course, regardless of how Kalix actually felt, Alexander had never said he liked Kalix. That was true, but was it okay for Alexander to say such things?
But in the end, it was Kalix who made him say such things. So he couldn’t say anything. He felt confused, complicated, somehow disappointed, more than that anxious, and somehow sad for no reason. But he couldn’t say anything.
“But CC, you do like men, right?”
When Kalix just stayed still, at that sudden question, Kalix answered.
“I don’t know. It wasn’t me who liked them.”
Looking back at when his body was taken, he only slept with men. Somehow saying it only made him feel gloomy. Just, everything suddenly became gloomy.
“Then do you like women?”
Kalix glanced at Alexander, then slowly lowered his gaze.
“I’ve never liked anyone.”
Kalix had never liked anyone, whether women or men, regardless of gender. In the first place, when he was young he was mostly just at the territory. Relatives and acquaintances would come, but he liked being with everyone together, and had never felt emotions like wanting to play with just one person, or disliking when someone talked to other people.
People around him said to Kalix that it was a time when friends and family were better, and that it would be different later. But if changing meant becoming like this, it would have been better to never change.
It would be the same in the future. He didn’t want to like anyone. Kalix felt most at ease just as he was now. When he wanted to die completely, he never expected there would come days when he could live so-so like this. But now, he lived like that. So-so, like other people. Sometimes he was depressed, sometimes he got anxious over trivial things, but it was still okay.
Alexander was right. It kept coming back to mind, but he ended up being okay anyway. Because Alexander was there. Can’t it just stay like this? Just like now.
“CC, I’m not saying you should meet someone right away, but you reject everyone who approaches you. But you wouldn’t have slept with all of those people.”
That was true, but since he didn’t know when, who, or how things might change, he didn’t want to increase the number of people he knew as much as possible.
“Maybe there’s a good person among them.”
But Kalix couldn’t agree with those words. Alexander was already there, so why should he meet other people? Alexander had already said it directly. That there probably wouldn’t be anyone better than Alexander.
Of course, if Kalix didn’t talk about being possessed and pretended to be fine, he might be able to get along reasonably well with other people too. But even so, that person wouldn’t be Alexander.
“What if I choose wrong?”
At Kalix’s question, Alexander said as if it were obvious.
“I’ll comfort you.”
His expression naturally frowned. That’s it?
“Well, if it seems like a really bad person, I’ll tell you in advance. There are probably rumors.”
Kalix quietly looked at Alexander. Alexander seemed completely untroubled. Or was Kalix just seeing it that way? Because he didn’t want to feel guilty. He already knew he was wronging Alexander, but he still wanted him to stay by his side. Yet he didn’t want Alexander to suffer from being by his side. So was Kalix just seeing what he wanted to see? Just, as if Alexander would be okay continuing to stay by Kalix’s side.
“If you meet people little by little, you might get better, and even if not, you’d have made friends so it’s fine.”
Alexander’s voice was calm, but Kalix couldn’t look at Alexander properly.
“Think about living differently from now, just once. It might be better than you expect.”
Wondering what he thought of Kalix’s attitude of giving no response, Alexander quietly looked at Kalix for a moment.
“CC, I’m not telling you to force yourself to meet people. If you don’t want to, don’t do it.”
Can’t we just stay like this?
“I’ll think about it.”
But he really couldn’t say such words. At Kalix’s words that came out instead, Alexander simply answered.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
