Alexander only uttered words that would reassure Kalix. Really, as if his own opinion wasn’t important at all.
“I told you. I’m not asking for your love.”
Alexander continued to observe Kalix’s expression and mood, saying this.
“CC, give me a chance to be rejected.”
He already knew that Alexander was a solid person in every aspect. But naturally, he had never once thought that was for Kalix. Alexander wasn’t solid for Kalix’s sake. But Alexander spoke as if that was exactly the case. That all of it was for Kalix.
“And I will continue to be a natural person to you after that. Whatever you do, I’ll be the one person who will naturally accept you.”
How can you do this much for me?
“No matter what I do?”
“Yes.”
“No matter how I treat you, you still won’t hate me?”
His voice was low and hoarse with the remnants of tears. Really, no matter what Kalix was like, would he not hate him and continue to stay by his side? But Alexander had already avoided Kalix. Did this mean he wouldn’t do that anymore now?
“I might dislike it.”
Alexander smiled faintly just like that.
“But I’ll still continue to be by your side. I won’t say I like things I don’t like or find unpleasant, but I won’t leave you. If you don’t want me to.”
Did Alexander really know what kind of story he was telling? Being by his side if Kalix wanted, leaving if he wanted. That it was okay whatever Kalix did to him, that it was okay however he was treated—did he know what that meant?
“CC, if you don’t want me to, I won’t leave you alone.”
“Then.”
But Kalix needed Alexander.
“Then.”
Because Alexander was all he had, he couldn’t do without Alexander.
“Don’t like me.”
Alexander had to be there.
“I already said I don’t like you yet.”
Before he knew it, Alexander’s words had become a leisurely tone tinged with laughter.
“Then don’t like me in the future either.”
Kalix continued his words just like that.
“You should just marry some kind neighboring country’s princess.”
Kalix looked at Alexander perhaps a bit desperately. Just as Alexander had talked to Kalix about neighboring country princesses, Kalix wanted Alexander to do that. Because he was someone who could. Because that suited him. So he hoped for that.
“A neighboring country’s princess?”
That response after some silence carried a somewhat absurd tone, but Alexander answered.
“I’ll try to make an effort.”
Kalix looked at Alexander like that. He just wanted to believe Alexander’s words as they were. Just like that.
“So don’t like me.”
Since he said he doesn’t like him yet.
“Okay.”
“Don’t do that.”
So from now on, if we continue like this, it’ll be fine.
“I understand.”
At that straightforward answer, Kalix lowered his gaze. To the handkerchief still clutched in his hand.
“And let’s share the room.”
Even though it was said quietly, Alexander understood without difficulty and answered.
“Yes, let’s do that.”
Then that voice continued.
“It’s nothing serious, so why are you crying?”
At that slightly lighter tone, somewhat teasing playfulness, his throat suddenly tightened and his eyes grew hot again.
“Why—”
As if flustered by Kalix’s appearance, Alexander closed his mouth without finishing whatever he was going to say. Kalix took out the fountain pen he always carried in his pocket with his other hand, the one not holding the handkerchief.
“This.”
Then he held it out to Alexander.
“You keep it.”
At the sight of Alexander quietly looking at the fountain pen, Kalix pressed down his tears hard and said with effort.
“I’m not giving it to you, I’m entrusting it to you.”
Maybe it was because of this. The fountain pen didn’t seem precious to Alexander, but he had said it was an object with some luck in it. Maybe it was because he gave it to someone else.
“It’s mine, so whenever I say I want to see it, you have to show it to me.”
So it would be better for Alexander to have it. Maybe it could bring good things to Alexander.
“You have to be there every time.”
The fountain pen was of no use to Kalix anyway. What made Kalix feel at ease wasn’t the fountain pen. It was Alexander. Not some mere object, but Alexander. Alexander, who was always by his side whenever he was anxious, who made him feel better.
“I will.”
Kalix quietly watched Alexander’s hand taking the fountain pen from his, then finally lowered his head again.
“I’m sorry.”
It was a confession. There was no way not to know. That was a confession.
“It’s okay.”
Everything Alexander said was like that. Everything.
“I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t resentment. It wasn’t that he hated Alexander—he hated himself for reacting that way.
“I said it’s okay.”
What was resentful was making Alexander say such things.
“I’m sorry.”
And yet hoping that Alexander would stay, hoping he would be there in the form Kalix wanted.
“I’m sorry.”
Still hoping he would stay by his side.
“CC, I’m really okay.”
Alexander briefly, just as lightly touched Kalix’s tightly clenched hand, then let go.
“Are you okay?”
Kalix slowly lifted his head to look at Alexander. He definitely thought there would be some disappointment, complexity, annoyance, or some other negative emotion showing, even faintly. But Alexander’s eyes that he actually faced were just looking at Kalix affectionately.
“Yes.”
Since Alexander wasn’t crying, Kalix couldn’t cry either. When he somehow pressed it all down and barely answered, Alexander smiled faintly instead.
“Then that settles it.”
And Alexander waited for Kalix to cool his eyes, then took Kalix inside the dormitory. Naturally, to the room Kalix and Alexander shared.
After entering the room and finishing their bedtime preparations as if nothing had happened, Kalix quietly looked at the sleeping Alexander. Alexander was properly dressed in pajamas and well-covered with blankets, just as he always was in the room he shared with Kalix. His eyes felt gritty from crying for the first time since he was very young, but Kalix just looked at that sight for a long while.
The handkerchief was only held and not used, the fountain pen had returned to Alexander, he received penalty points for returning after roll call, and the owner had returned to the next bed.
* * *
When roll call inspection ended, Kalix looked at the door Jasper had left through for a moment. Alexander should come in now. Of course, he knew Alexander would definitely come in. Since their reconciliation or whatever it was, since they decided to share the room again, Alexander had been coming to the room without fail. So he would definitely come in, but Kalix stepped outside the room.
Where was Alexander? Would he be near his original room? He first tried to go upstairs, but happened to spot Alexander on the landing. When he reflexively approached at the sight that immediately caught his eye, only then did he see that Alexander was talking with someone.
“You’re really not going today?”
Kalix went right up to Alexander, who hadn’t noticed him because his back was turned, and stood behind him. Then Alexander finally glanced back at the presence. Alexander confirmed it was Kalix and then looked forward again, continuing the conversation.
“Yeah. I think the professor noticed something.”
“Are you going out?”
Following that gaze, Kalix also checked who it was—it was Philip. Since Philip always talked about going out whenever he met Alexander, it was annoying. It was even a weekday now. Philip wasn’t in the military studies department, but Alexander had to wake up early tomorrow for morning training too.
Moreover, according to what Alexander just said, it seemed the professor had doubts about Alexander’s conduct. Since he’d been going out almost every day until recently, it was natural if you thought about it. So now it was natural for him to stay quietly in his room.
Kalix stared at Philip, worried that Philip might tempt Alexander again. Then Philip looked at Kalix with some puzzlement. What was there to be puzzled about? It was natural for students to return to their rooms after roll call.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
