If that was difficult too, there was Deborah. A friend he had been with since very early childhood. He knew that even if he suddenly visited his godmother, she would welcome him warmly. He could at least stay comfortably for a while. It was a place where there had been no contact when his body was taken.
It was Kalix who had rejected all of that. If he had tried just a little harder, maybe things would have been somewhat okay. But he hadn’t done so. Because Alexander was there. Because having only Alexander was enough. Because Alexander did everything. Whether friends or family, Alexander did all of that. Because depending on Alexander for everything gave him the most peace of mind.
Kalix had continued to depend only on Alexander. Alexander wasn’t someone who had to accept that. But he had wanted him to. He had wanted that.
“Sasha, do you now.”
But that wasn’t all he wanted. Not anymore. Kalix didn’t just want to hold onto Alexander. Now it wasn’t because he needed him, it wasn’t just that he needed Alexander simply for that reason. He needed love. He wanted to obtain that. Because Kalix loved Alexander. More than what was needed, because now he liked him.
“Don’t you want to sleep with me?”
But what about Alexander? To Alexander, wasn’t Kalix just someone who needed to be taken care of? Alexander wanted to take care of pitiful people, and Kalix was pitiful enough. That was okay. That was really okay, but he disliked that being the end of it.
“Do I just seem like a younger sibling to you?”
Alexander these days was always like that. He kissed, but that was the end of it. Alexander no longer touched Kalix very much. Even when kissing, recently it was always Kalix who initiated it first. Then when he unknowingly touched Alexander’s body, Alexander would separate Kalix from him as if troubled.
Alexander still hugged Kalix, but it was just a gentle embrace with no particular signs, as it was. Just like hugging a younger sibling. What Kalix wanted now wasn’t just that level.
“Geez, you’re the one who said not to.”
“That’s true, but still, you’re too—”
Kalix hesitated a bit, but eventually said it.
“You separate me right away.”
“If I didn’t stop there, we would have gotten carried away by the mood and gone all the way.”
At those words, Kalix carefully met Alexander’s gaze.
“Sasha, don’t you want to be like that with me?”
Kalix wanted to be like that. Even if he couldn’t now, someday for sure. It wasn’t exactly sexual desire, it was a bit different. He wanted to touch more. It wasn’t to resolve something. Rather, it was to fulfill something.
People often used words like resolving or releasing sexual desire. Since Kalix originally didn’t know such things, he just thought that’s how it was. After his body was taken, he had despised it.
But when he was touching Alexander, Kalix wanted to fill something together with Alexander. He didn’t want to resolve something. Rather than that, Kalix wanted to fill it. He wanted to fill in affection, trust, tenderness, warmth, love. Even more than now. Between Alexander and Kalix, he wanted to build up like that.
“What about you?”
Alexander’s question directed at Kalix that followed was actually familiar. Alexander always asked for Kalix’s opinion.
“Sasha, I’m scared.”
Alexander was the only person Kalix could tell all his stories to. Would Kalix be the same for Alexander? He knew the answer was no. Because Kalix was unstable. Then to Alexander, was Kalix just someone who needed to be taken care of? Like Jasper.
But Kalix wanted more than that. For that, it seemed like it would be okay to not be okay now.
“I have many problems, what if that ruins you?”
What if these thoughts eventually made Alexander break down?
“Let me be ruined.”
Alexander continued speaking.
“It’s okay.”
Now, Kalix wasn’t okay with those words. Alexander’s words of “it’s okay” meant too much to Kalix. So if those words weren’t okay for Alexander either, then being okay for Kalix was useless. Now it was okay for Kalix to not be okay. He wanted Alexander to be okay.
“How can I, how can I do that?”
I only need you to be there, but would you be okay with just me?
“Sasha, you actually don’t even need to accept that. You know that, right?”
Alexander is essential to Kalix, but Kalix is not essential to Alexander. What can Kalix do for Alexander? But the moment he saw those eyes of Alexander’s, his breath caught.
“How can you do that?”
Alexander said this without being able to bring himself to touch Kalix, perhaps unable to find his bearings.
“When you love someone.”
Kalix had never seen Alexander like this. Or maybe he had already known? He wasn’t sure actually.
“How can you do that when you love someone.”
Such a fragile yet firm confession.
“CC, I love your fragility.”
Kalix eventually watched Alexander’s hand slowly approaching him.
“That’s what brought you to me.”
That hand still couldn’t touch any part of Alexander,
“I don’t know how not to love.”
Yet it left just a small gap, as if tracing Kalix’s face.
“It’s okay to ruin things.”
Kalix wasn’t the only one who was anxious. Naturally, Alexander was too.
“After that, CC.”
But Alexander was someone who could calm not only Kalix but himself as well.
“You’ll realize that nothing about you is broken.”
At that gentle gaze that had touched him again, Kalix finally admitted.
“I won’t break from something so trivial.”
Alexander didn’t need Kalix, but if he wanted to have him, that was enough. Alexander wouldn’t crumble from something like that.
“CC, has anything I’ve said so far been wrong?”
If Alexander chose it, that meant he was confident.
“No.”
And then Kalix simply accepted fully the warmth that finally touched him, cupping his cheek.
“I won’t break.”
Kalix quietly closed his eyes within that warmth, then soon met his gaze again.
“Sasha, after we sleep together, what will change?”
“Well.”
Alexander smiled slowly and just as gently.
“Let’s wait and see.”
Perhaps it was quite a combative thing to say, but his tone was nothing but gentle.
“I’ll leave it alone.”
The quiet voice continued slowly.
“Like other people.”
Alexander is quick to catch on. He knows what decision Kalix has made without being told.
“Let it flow.”
Kalix lay down on the bed as Alexander led him.
“Don’t you find me frustrating?”
“You’re loveable.”
It didn’t matter if it started with pity. Actually, that was better. Kalix would continue to be pitiful to Alexander anyway. After that, it was fine to hold on with affection. Either way, Kalix had no intention of letting Alexander go.
“You always have so many worries.”
If Alexander loved Kalix, he wanted to take responsibility for how that came to be.
“You worry about things you don’t need to worry about.”
Alexander climbed on top of Kalix’s body and just quietly looked at Kalix.
“You worry about me.”
“Because I love you.”
The answer came immediately. Originally, Kalix only worried about himself. Even that was difficult. But at some point, he worried about Alexander. The reason wasn’t clear. No matter how he looked at it, Alexander took good care of himself. Still, even knowing everything, he worried. He wanted Alexander alone to always be comfortable without any hardships. But since Kalix couldn’t make that happen, he avoided, denied, and ignored it.
“Sasha, I have nothing, so if I can have even one thing, I’ll love and cherish it more than anyone else.”
Kalix still wouldn’t be able to make Alexander only happy, but still Kalix knew. That wasn’t what was important to Alexander. Alexander had the ability to make himself happy anyway.
“I don’t deserve to have you.”
Still, if Alexander said he wanted to have Kalix, that was ultimately for Alexander’s own happiness.
“But I still want to have you.”
Then Kalix wanted to have Alexander too.
“Is this feeling right?”
Even before his body was taken, Kalix had never felt such emotions. He had never felt so overwhelmed like this.
“If I said no, would you let me go?”
Kalix quietly watched Alexander’s hands slowly unbuttoning his shirt.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
