Actually, he still disliked the library. It was fine when he had no choice but to look for materials, or when he was with Owen or Bertram, or other people. But going to the library alone was dangerous. There was always the possibility of meeting other people. Moreover, they said reading books increased intelligence. The person who had taken his body used that to meet Marcel.
But when he told Alexander that he didn’t like going to the library because he might read books, and then his intelligence would increase, Alexander asked back what he would use to build intelligence if not books. Come to think of it, it was natural. The more Kalix talked with Alexander, the more he kept realizing that he hadn’t fully escaped from that time’s way of thinking.
So even as Kalix had his assignments spread out in front of him, he looked out the window from time to time. That was also why he deliberately sat by the window. He could see when Alexander might come. Kalix understood why grades dropped so much when dating. Lovers were much nicer to look at and more interesting than books. He should have dated earlier. He had thought something would get worse if he dated Alexander. But in reality, everything only got better.
“Kalix, let’s talk.”
Just when Kalix was immersed in good feelings, his expression immediately hardened at that voice reaching him. Kalix had been anxious for so long and had only recently become happy. But what was this now?
“I’m busy.”
Actually, he didn’t even want to say such things out of politeness. But Jasper was Alexander’s, his lover’s younger brother. Of course, that didn’t make what he disliked any less disliked, but still, he couldn’t treat his lover’s family carelessly. It was annoying, but Alexander cherished Jasper. Kalix wanted to cherish everything Alexander cherished as much as possible. He couldn’t manage it with Jasper, but at least he could pretend somewhat.
“It’s about Sasha.”
“Then I have even less to say.”
Surprisingly, seeing Jasper now didn’t remind him of the past at all. He was just annoyed. Why did Jasper have to be Alexander’s brother of all people? Alexander was probably too kind. Taking such care of a younger brother who would manage fine if left reasonably alone.
“Kalix, you’re dating Sasha, right.”
He regretted allowing his name to be used. Back then he had thought Jasper was really just Alexander’s somewhat shy younger brother. He had no idea what kind of feelings he harbored inside.
“Yeah.”
Kalix quietly looked at Jasper, who had lowered his gaze. He hadn’t known Jasper knew how to approach others like this. He had almost only met Jasper inside rooms, and outside he was always cowering while watching others’ reactions.
“Why?”
So like now, looking directly at Kalix like this was completely unfamiliar.
“What?”
“Sasha doesn’t like you.”
Kalix let out a hollow laugh for a moment. Really, he was certain. Jasper had never liked Kalix. Whether it was Kalix’s body, or the person who had been inside it. Even knowing that person was touching other people, Jasper had never once expressed dissatisfaction. Maybe he had sought other partners as a distorted way of expressing it, but Jasper had never done that either.
But now it’s different. Did he act like this with Skylar too? No, he was certain he hadn’t. He knew the moment when Skylar talked about Jasper. Skylar definitely liked Jasper. And Jasper felt the same way. Even when Skylar saw that Alexander was there, he just remained quietly resigned. With that characteristically melancholic atmosphere of his.
Then why with Kalix? Kalix stood up from his seat.
“Follow me.”
Because Skylar accepts it, but Kalix doesn’t. Skylar might have thought he couldn’t separate Alexander from himself anyway. Or maybe he just thought he couldn’t approach because they didn’t match. But apparently not Kalix.
Kalix already knew of a secluded place near the library where people rarely passed by. Normally, he would never even glance at such a place and would avoid it at all costs. Especially being there with Jasper. But right now he wasn’t in the right mind to worry about such things. Besides, he was certain now. No matter how crazy his mind got, nothing good would happen with Jasper.
“Sasha doesn’t like people like you.”
Jasper was talking nonsense, but his voice was calm.
“But that Sasha said he likes me.”
But that was the truth. Whatever Jasper said, Kalix believed Alexander’s words. Jasper hadn’t even seen how Alexander treated Kalix.
“Do you know what kind of people Sasha likes?”
Kalix hesitated.
“Pitiful people.”
Pitiful people. He knew it instinctively. But when that very thought came directly out of Jasper’s mouth, he felt an instinctive rejection.
“But you have nothing pitiful about you. Even if you did.”
Alexander has quite strong protective instincts. He already knew that. His attention goes to people who need protection, and as time passes, he seems to develop affection that way. Kalix knows that much too. That’s how Alexander’s affection became his. Because Alexander wanted to protect Kalix. Because he said he wanted to make Kalix better.
“He’ll come back to me anyway. Because I’m the most pitiful one to Sasha.”
Jasper’s expression wavered.
“So give him back now.”
Jasper isn’t oblivious. It was the same when his body was taken. Jasper already knew there was someone else besides himself. He just pretended not to know. So Jasper probably also noticed that Kalix knew his feelings. If not, he couldn’t have this conversation.
“Why are you pitiful?”
Alexander must have raised Jasper to be too naive.
“You’re not pitiful.”
Did he think if he asked for him back, he’d obediently return him? Not a chance.
“That’s all something you brought on yourself.”
Jasper ultimately wanted to continue being unhappy.
“You always walk around alone, you don’t contact any family except your second brother, and even when you’re at the mansion with your family, you don’t come out when everyone’s doing things together.”
And it was the same at the winter villa. Jasper didn’t seem to receive particular hostility from his stepmother, but he didn’t receive much favor either. Nevertheless, Jasper came there. Because Alexander was there. Deliberately showing Alexander how uncomfortable he felt.
“You had plenty of opportunities. You still do now.”
There are many people who want to get along with Jasper. Not everyone’s intentions are pure, but not everyone’s intentions are impure either. And his family too. Alexander’s father, the Marquis Clifford, would always gaze toward the entrance for a moment when the meal had progressed to a certain point. As if waiting for someone.
Jasper was always missing from the mansion’s early morning meals. Everyone was considerate, saying it was fine because Jasper was a heavy sleeper, but could he really not know who the late tea time afterward was held for?
The reason doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to know, Kalix just needs Alexander to break free from Jasper. Whatever happened before that, it’s Jasper who’s rejecting it.
“But why are you pitiful when that’s what you want.”
Jasper just kept depending on Alexander. Alexander isn’t someone who has to accept that.
“If you hate your family, then make friends or figure it out yourself. Don’t cling to Sasha.”
At the mercilessly blunt tone, Jasper squeezed his eyes shut once, then lowered his gaze.
“I just need Sasha. Sasha is my family and my friend. I just need Sasha for all other relationships too. When Sasha does everything for me, why should I do that?”
I just need Alexander. Since Alexander does everything anyway.
“So give him back. You don’t have to have Sasha specifically. I can’t do without Sasha.”
Kalix also can’t do without Alexander. But instead of saying that, Kalix said:
“You’re just family anyway.”
He was certain Jasper had found Kalix before Alexander did. Jasper could never say such things to Alexander. Because he’s anxious about what answer he’d get. Because he loves him so much he can’t bear that anxiety. Because he’s just family anyway.
“If I’m just family, then what are you?”
Jasper’s voice never became sharp. Jasper was afraid throughout. Even now, scared out of his wits, he barely managed to speak with a trembling voice.
“You’re not even that.”
“And you won’t be more than that.”
“I’m Sasha’s family forever.”
Despite not being able to hold his gaze straight, Jasper didn’t back down. At the Academy, relationships between men were often treated as temporary entertainment. That was part of the reason for the tacit approval. Because it would remain as a youthful memory once they matured.
“That’ll be the end of it forever.”
But Kalix didn’t treat Alexander’s feelings as merely that. He wasn’t anxious about that either. If Alexander really wanted to enjoy temporary entertainment, he could get anyone he wanted. Very easily and comfortably.
Yet Alexander didn’t do that. Rather, he spent quite a long time watching, putting in effort, even hiding his own feelings, and stayed by Kalix’s side like that. Such feelings couldn’t be temporary entertainment. He certainly couldn’t do that, if only because the effort he put in would be too precious to waste.
“Kalix, what exactly do you know about Sasha?”
“What do you know then?”
Jasper’s trembling gaze suddenly calmed.
“Sasha never, ever loses anything.”
Kalix didn’t understand those words. Alexander is someone who simply lets go of many things. So while the word “lose” might not suit him, it’s not the way Jasper means it. Alexander is rather someone who gives.
He did the same with Kalix. Without wanting anything in return, he just waited for Kalix to get better. Same with Jasper.
“Sasha is different from ordinary people. He doesn’t like people the way ordinary people do.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
