“Not that.”
When he spoke quietly while grabbing Alexander’s sleeve, Alexander looked down indifferently at his sleeve that Kalix was holding.
“Then what?”
That gaze seemed to urge him to let go, but Kalix didn’t let go. And at Alexander’s continued silence until they arrived at the dining hall, Kalix couldn’t overcome his impatience and blurted out.
“I received this.”
The eyes that had been looking at the menu without even giving Kalix a glance finally turned to Kalix.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“If it’ll be bothersome while eating, leave it in the room.”
That wasn’t what he meant. Alexander obviously knew that too. When Kalix pressed his lips together tightly and shook his head, Alexander said just like that.
“Then what should I say? What, should I be jealous?”
This tone had been quite a while. This was Alexander’s original tone. The voice with clear endings and dryness that he still used when dealing with other people.
“You and I aren’t even dating, and even if we were dating, it’s none of my business who gives you what.”
But it was a tone he hadn’t used toward Kalix in quite some time, one that now seemed like ages ago.
“If I said something, you’d say it was scary. You’d think I was being controlling. You hate that kind of thing.”
There was nothing he could refute. Everything Alexander said was right. Kalix had always been like that. Alexander, who had been closest to him, couldn’t not know. He had been like that even to Alexander. Kalix had been like that. Even to Alexander who stayed by his side.
“I’m continuing to do what you want. Do as you please.”
And once again at Alexander’s gaze looking at Kalix’s hand gripping his sleeve, Kalix ultimately couldn’t say anything and finally let go of his hand. Kalix couldn’t even tell if he had properly composed what was surely a mess of an expression.
Alexander chose from the menu and ate dinner as if it were the most natural thing. Kalix knew this, yet he couldn’t help but watch Alexander while barely eating, wondering if Alexander was really unbothered. He couldn’t even tell if Alexander was really fine. Because Alexander was always like that.
Alexander had always hidden everything if he thought Kalix wouldn’t be able to accept it. Before, it had been affection, and maybe now it was something else. Or maybe he really was unbothered.
In any case, throughout all of this, Alexander clearly knew that Kalix was watching his mood, yet he didn’t give him anything that could be called a meaningful glance.
* * *
When they entered the room after finishing their meal and Kalix saw Alexander unbuttoning his sleeves to change clothes, he kept repeating and resolving inwardly. I have to speak calmly. Calmly.
“Why won’t you look at me?”
But the voice that actually came out had no calmness at all. Though he recognized this, seeing Alexander turn toward Kalix and sigh, he couldn’t become calm at all.
“CC.”
That voice was calm, but Kalix couldn’t become calm at all.
“Why are you sighing?”
Alexander had never been like this before. No, he had, but not like this. Not like he was tired, not in this way. Why, why are you treating me…
“You…”
Like other people?
“You know I like you.”
Alexander was indifferent, not prone to easy laughter, his tone was rather stiff, his gaze was dry, but not to Kalix. To Kalix, he wasn’t like that.
“And we…”
Kalix couldn’t judge whether he should say this, what he should do. But facing Alexander who was staring intently at Kalix, he had no choice but to speak.
“We’re dating.”
At the same time, his eyes grew hot. He really hated this. Far from being calm, this really wasn’t right. He didn’t want to say it like this. He really didn’t want to say it this way. This wasn’t it.
“How could I not know that?”
When the school year ended, there would be a flower exhibition every summer. Since couples all went there at least once, he was going to go there together. He was going to prepare the prettiest bouquet and thank him for waiting all this time, and ask him to date him.
“I know at least that much too.”
He was going to promise that if he just accepted, he would never make things difficult again, and he really intended to keep that promise. Right now Kalix was cautious about going anywhere in case something dangerous happened, but in summer it wouldn’t be like that, so then they could go places together. He really intended to suggest that.
But it was all ruined.
“How many times have we kissed?”
Alexander had definitely said he didn’t do things like kissing with people he wasn’t dating. But how many times had we kissed now? Countless times. He hadn’t even seen binding wrists and kissing when his body was taken.
“Do you dislike me now?”
Alexander had been like that before too. He told him to try meeting other people. Did Alexander really want that?
“Because I’ve been mean, because I keep dragging things out, so you’re tired of it?”
Come to think of it, Skylar had been like that too. Alexander had liked Skylar, then came to like Kalix. Now he liked Kalix, then came to like someone else? Or maybe not yet, but now it was difficult?
Even while kissing, Alexander said Kalix was being mean. That was right. Kalix knew the answer Alexander wanted but didn’t give it. So it was natural that Alexander’s heart had left. Still, did it absolutely have to be like this?
“Because I’ve been too bad to you all this time, because I can’t give you any certainty about anything.”
There were only many reasons for Alexander to find Kalix difficult, and that was what he hated most.
“So you dislike me?”
Kalix looked at Alexander without taking his eyes off him for even a moment, just leaving the tears that were now dripping steadily. Actually, his vision was blurred so he couldn’t see properly. Still, if he even blinked for a moment, it felt like Alexander would disappear just like that.
“But still, I like you.”
It was certain that Kalix had behaved badly toward Alexander before. But because of that, he had tried hard in his own way not to be like that anymore. It might not be enough, but still, he had worked hard in his own way. Though it probably wasn’t enough.
“I told you. I like you.”
Kalix had already said it. That he liked him. That he couldn’t date right away as Alexander wanted, but still that he liked him. Maybe he should have said to wait a little longer then.
Come to think of it, he had just said let’s date if things were okay until summer, but he didn’t remember saying to wait. Alexander had said he would do whatever Kalix said, so if he had said it then, he would have listened. Because back then Alexander definitely liked Kalix.
No matter how ruined things were, crying while confessing was too pathetic. Kalix tried not to cry at the very least and finally wiped away his tears, but the more he did so, the more tears poured out. He really shouldn’t be like this.
“Sasha, are you not anymore?”
Kalix liked him much, much more now than then. And he felt like he would like him even more in the future. It seemed like he would only like him more and more.
“Not like before, not that much? Am I too late?”
When he reflexively blinked because his eyes hurt too much from rubbing them with his hands, tears fell and his vision finally cleared. And at Alexander’s expression that was clearly revealed, Kalix squinted his eyes.
“I’m going crazy, really.”
Alexander came straight to Kalix, then suddenly held his wet face firmly with both hands and pressed their lips together tightly.
“Baby.”
Even at that inexplicable term of endearment, Kalix just looked quietly at Alexander, not wanting to miss the fact that he was touching Alexander.
“CC, baby, what am I going to do with you really.”
This time lips touched his cheeks that must have been soaked.
“Why would I dislike you?”
Then to his eyes. The sensation of lips rubbing against his wet eyes felt both dazed and vivid.
“You said you could dislike me. If I did wrong.”
Just the fact of touching, plus Alexander’s voice speaking in the tone familiar to Kalix, familiar only to him, gradually reassured him.
“CC, you really hear my words however you want.”
Alexander softened his tone as if he felt sorry.
“I still like you.”
When the lips that had been gently rubbing his eyelids pulled away, Kalix cautiously opened his eyes.
“And I told you. Even if you think you’re late,”
Unlike the anxiety that he might disappear if he closed his eyes, Alexander was still in front of Kalix.
“I’m here.”
With firm certainty.
“So young, when will I finish raising you.”
And at that voice that immediately followed, Kalix couldn’t even steady his trembling voice.
“You were angry.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
