But he thought Alexander would say something more. As always. Nevertheless, Alexander finished that greeting and walked away again, returning to where he’d been with his friends. Kalix reflexively tried to call out to Alexander, but then he too moved on to find his own seat.
Is this… the end?
* * *
Similar days continued again. Alexander still didn’t come to the room. Moreover, Alexander and Kalix had different rooms to begin with. So naturally they had roll call in different rooms. Naturally, there was even less reason to see each other.
But as if only Kalix cared about this, Alexander dutifully greeted Kalix with “good morning” every morning when he went to the dining hall. Even though he didn’t come to the room.
While going up to his room, fidgeting with the fountain pen in his pocket, Kalix suddenly spotted Dylan and Edwin at the end of the corridor. And several other familiar faces. But Alexander wasn’t among them. Where was Alexander? Kalix approached that group without preamble and asked.
“Are you taking Alex out drinking again today too?”
They’d all known each other since freshman year, but their current departments were all different. Therefore, the main reason they gathered together was all related to entertainment. Alexander would surely be involved in that too. Though he wasn’t here right now, he’d definitely be at the actual hangout. At that sudden question, Edwin looked at Kalix.
Nicknames:
Matthew – “Matt”
Edwin – “Eddie”
Benjamin Miller “Ben”
“Did you two fight?”
“No.”
But no one present looked like they believed it.
“He got caught by a professor, so he’ll be late today. Still, he’ll make roll call.”
When Kalix checked who had spoken, he couldn’t remember the name, but it was someone from Alexander’s department anyway. He’d seen this person come into the dining hall with Alexander several times after training.
“And then what?”
When he looked at Dylan and spoke, Dylan brushed it off with an awkward laugh.
“Why would you give him so much alcohol when he already has to wake up early for training?”
Kalix cut himself off mid-sentence. It wasn’t his business. Whether Alexander drank, didn’t come back to the room, overslept in someone else’s room, got in trouble with professors, or insisted on greeting him every morning despite being invisible the rest of the time—none of it was his concern.
“Got it.”
“What did you fight about?”
At that question again, Kalix answered coldly.
“I said we didn’t fight.”
It was actually better this way. If Alexander kept his distance on his own, it would be easier for Kalix. After all, Kalix had tried to avoid Alexander first. So Kalix didn’t need to feel uncomfortable facing Alexander.
* * *
Even though he’d already decided not to care, what bothered him most was still Jasper. Since Kalix and Jasper were originally assigned to this room together, Kalix had to see Jasper at least once every day.
Moreover, since they’d already broken the ice during winter break, it would be strange to ignore him completely now. Most importantly, he was Alexander’s brother. No matter what, since he was Alexander’s brother, Kalix always had the thought that he shouldn’t treat him too harshly, so even though it was annoying, he hadn’t avoided him. But after learning what kind of thoughts Jasper had about Alexander as his brother, Kalix became even more disgusted than before.
It was better when Alexander was around, but now that days continued where he couldn’t properly see Alexander, irritation washed over him. Before, since Alexander and Kalix shared the same room anyway, he could at least roughly know how Alexander was doing. Besides, during that brief time when Alexander roomed with Kalix, Alexander didn’t go anywhere after roll call.
But now he had no idea how Alexander was spending his time. Of course, since Jasper was also in the preparatory department, like Kalix, he didn’t really have reason to see Alexander either. But the problem was inside this dormitory. Even though they held roll call, everyone freely wandered around the dormitory afterward. What if Alexander ran into him then?
When it was time for roll call, Jasper and Alexander would move around for inspections. So there was plenty of possibility for the two to meet while coming and going. If they passed each other in the hallway, would they just greet each other and that would be it? Since they saw each other every day anyway, they probably wouldn’t need to exchange pleasantries, but they might still talk a bit more.
Alexander probably didn’t know how Jasper thought about him, didn’t know how dangerous that was, and would just treat Jasper comfortably.
“Did you see Alex?”
His voice came out stiff without realizing it, and Jasper looked back at Kalix with a puzzled expression.
“Hm? At lunch today.”
Lunch? Kalix hadn’t seen Alexander. But why had Jasper seen Alexander? I, I didn’t see him.
“Do you see him every day?”
“Not every day, but just when we run into each other. Sasha seems busy lately. Why?”
It seemed like they didn’t run into each other every day as Kalix had thought. But in contrast, Kalix used to see Alexander every day. Alexander greeted Kalix every morning anyway. And it wasn’t like accidentally running into him like Jasper. Alexander definitely came to Kalix on purpose.
“Never mind.”
When he answered briefly, Jasper still looked puzzled, but he glanced around cautiously and didn’t ask anything more. That expression, attitude, atmosphere—every single thing about him had absolutely no resemblance to Alexander, which made it even more irritating.
Maybe it was natural for Jasper to be attracted to Alexander. Anyone could see that Alexander was tall and handsome, had many friends, was sociable, was quite affectionate to the person he was dating based on how he treated Skylar, didn’t make people feel burdened, was perceptive enough for that, and knew how to be subtly considerate to the point where the recipient wouldn’t even notice.
So someone like Jasper, who was good at reading others’ moods and felt intimidated, would naturally like Alexander. Moreover, since Jasper was family, Alexander treated Jasper much more affectionately than he treated other people.
Jasper didn’t seem close to other family members besides Alexander, so he would rely on Alexander more, and it was natural for Jasper to admire Alexander. Maybe Jasper was confusing admiration with other feelings.
But still, how could he feel that way toward family, even if it was confusion? That was definitely wronging Alexander. Alexander was helping Jasper as family. Thinking about this made Kalix suddenly disgusted, and he looked at the door where the dorm supervisor hadn’t arrived yet.
Would Alexander come today?
* * *
Alexander hadn’t changed rooms again, unlike before. Kalix had thought he would change again like he had done twice before. Was he feeling sorry for Dylan now? Kalix, who had gone to the library for assignments, slowly walked back to the dormitory.
Alexander hadn’t changed rooms, but to Kalix it felt similar. Alexander still greeted him in the mornings. That was all. Kalix had never once returned that greeting, but Alexander always approached Kalix in the dining hall every morning. He would greet him, and that was the end.
He must have gathered all the necessary items by now, because he rarely came to the room to get things anymore. Where was Alexander? Was he staying in Benjamin Miller’s room on the third floor? Except for that one day, Kalix had never been there, so he didn’t even know who Benjamin Miller was. Not that he needed to know anyway.
Actually, it was good for Kalix. The problem had been sharing a room with Jasper from the beginning. But he’d escaped that situation long ago. Still, he’d been anxious about rooming with someone else, but now that Alexander wasn’t there either, it was like having a room to himself. It was comfortable and reassuring.
Yet for some reason, Kalix found himself entering the room later and later. He only went in just in time not to be late for roll call. It didn’t matter anyway since there was no one in the room, so it was fine whenever he went in.
But even when he finally reached right in front of the dormitory building, Kalix somehow didn’t want to go inside. There was still a little time before roll call anyway. Kalix stood there blankly, looking inside. Then he lifted his head to look at the third floor. Light was streaming from most of the windows.
Then suddenly, Kalix turned his head.
“Why are you so late?”
Where his gaze landed, Alexander was there. Alexander seemed to be just coming in too, slowly approaching Kalix. Then he stopped a few steps away. Kalix quietly looked at that distance.
“Why did you say such a thing?”
Kalix disliked anyone coming too close to him. Alexander knew this too. So Alexander always maintained a certain distance when walking or talking with Kalix. But now.
“You know it too.”
Alexander used to leave about one step to half a step. But now it was probably about three steps. Even when greeting him it was like that. That was the only time he looked at me.
Kalix had definitely tried to die. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to live this way and so tried to die, but really, living wasn’t even an option. Dying was the most urgent thing. That was definitely how it was. But still, it was Alexander who made him feel like he might be able to live, like things might get better, like that might be possible.
When it was Alexander who made me think this way, feel this way, who encouraged me, who made me want it that way.
“You’re the only one I have.”
But if you disappear, then what do I do?
“So why did you say such a thing?”
It was only resentful. When you know everything I’m afraid of, when you know everything I’m anxious about, when you said you’d help me, when you said things would get better. When you made me think you’d stay by my side, made me think that way.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
