That’s why he had always denied it until now. He liked being friends. They didn’t constrain each other and could normally stay by each other’s side. But other relationships became strange from that point on. Coercive, yet using each other, trying to monopolize without taking responsibility. Alexander didn’t need to do that.
Kalix waited for Alexander in his room while having all sorts of thoughts, then suddenly became anxious. What if he doesn’t come in? Come to think of it, that day when they drank, after that day Alexander didn’t come to the room for a while. Of course, this time he did come to the room well even after they kissed, but now it was after they had another conversation about it this morning.
And probably, wasn’t Alexander disappointed? In Kalix. Besides, Alexander had definitely never said he wouldn’t dislike Kalix. He had said he could come to dislike him if he did things he didn’t like. So had he come to dislike him?
Kalix hurriedly left his room. He looked for Alexander and fortunately was able to find him without much difficulty. Seeing Alexander talking about something with Dylan on the third-floor landing, Kalix suddenly grabbed Alexander.
Both Dylan and Alexander looked at Kalix at the same time, but Kalix pulled Alexander away without even thinking to ask Dylan’s understanding.
“Anyway, do that.”
At Alexander’s words to Dylan while being pulled along, Kalix brought Alexander to a corner and looked at him. He wondered what to do if he was still angry, but Alexander seemed to have calmed down and looked like his usual self. But he wasn’t reassured.
“Sasha.”
As soon as he spoke that name, he had the illusion that the hand holding Alexander suddenly grew hot. Though he said family called him that, he had already confirmed during summer break when he went to Alexander’s estate that his paternal family didn’t use that nickname. It was a nickname used by his maternal relatives he had lived with as a child. Perhaps because of that, it felt more exclusive.
His fingertips grew hot for no reason, so Kalix reflexively let go of the hand that had been holding Alexander, then carefully grabbed his sleeve instead.
“Sasha, you know.”
Kalix left his pounding heartbeat as it was and held his breath for a moment.
“It’ll all be over by this summer break.”
Kalix met eyes with Alexander, who was quietly waiting for him.
“Both times it was like that. When second year ends, right before summer break starts, then everything ends.”
The first time was summer break and the second time was just the day the school year ended, but both ended then. The first time, right after the school year ended it moved straight to summer break. There was hunting season classes for shooting practice right at the beginning of the break, and even though it didn’t seem like he had prepared to go there, time seemed to jump straight to that day. Then he died.
After that, the second time he came back, that was also the end of the school year. Before summer break. The person who had taken Kalix’s body seemed noticeably anxious as the end of the school year approached, but kept repeating that it would probably work. Though Kalix didn’t know, as if some condition had been satisfied. And when that school year ended, Kalix returned to his own body.
“Whether I go back again, or it ends completely.”
So when this school year ends, everything will end. Whether he’s taken again or not. Whether it continues or not.
“So, Sasha.”
Kalix couldn’t do anything before then. Before then, he just didn’t know what would happen first, so avoiding the things he knew about was all he could do. But if there was an “after that” for Kalix.
“If I’m still okay even when the school year ends, even when summer break comes,”
He wanted to take responsibility.
“If that’s still okay.”
For Alexander.
“Would we really date then?”
Kalix looked at Alexander with trembling eyes. Alexander had quietly listened to Kalix’s story that wouldn’t make any sense at all. And then, at that question, Alexander suddenly pulled Kalix toward him and kissed him.
What, what? When he stiffened in bewilderment and confusion at that sudden action, Alexander casually touched Kalix’s lips with his hand and then pulled away again as if nothing had happened.
“CC, so what’s your reason for not dating me?”
What? What is this? What just happened? He was just confused, but Alexander’s calm question seemed like something he absolutely had to answer.
“What if I change again after summer break ends? Then I’d be doing something bad to you too.”
And their lips met again.
“How does that become your fault when it’s not even your will?”
The kiss and that casual, calm voice didn’t match at all.
“CC, tell me. The reason you can’t date me right now.”
When Kalix reflexively took a step back, Alexander came that much closer. Kalix looked down with confused eyes while almost pressed against the wall. He could see Alexander’s feet positioned right in front of his own feet.
“Everyone who gets close to me becomes strange. But if they endure until summer vacation, then from that point it doesn’t matter. From then on, I haven’t seen anything either. So from then on, it’s just me.”
Again, their lips touched.
“You’re already yourself right now.”
At that voice, Kalix really wanted to just collapse.
“That may be true, but what if I date you before then and you become strange too?”
When he flinched at seeing Alexander’s hand approach, Alexander this time gently stroked Kalix’s cheek instead of kissing him.
“I think I’ll become strange if I don’t date you now.”
Alexander continued to caress Kalix’s eyes ticklishly and gently.
“CC, what are you afraid of?”
Kalix finally managed to meet his gaze again. He could feel his ears turning red instantly.
“That I might wrong you.”
Alexander’s gaze was too kind. No longer hiding the overflowing affection within it.
“I’m okay with whatever you do.”
Kalix’s gaze tried to look elsewhere, but eventually returned to Alexander. He couldn’t help it.
“I’m not okay with it. And you shouldn’t say that’s okay either.”
At those words, a smile slowly appeared on Alexander’s face. As warm and gentle as his touch, yet just as openly warm without hiding anything.
“You’re worried about me.”
Alexander asked quietly.
“Why?”
“Because.”
Kalix really couldn’t help it anymore.
“I like you.”
He knew Alexander already knew everything from the beginning. There was no way he wouldn’t know. He knew very well that Alexander had waited even while knowing everything. But acknowledging it, and moreover saying it in front of him, that was really an entirely different matter.
But still, he couldn’t help it. Because Alexander wanted an answer while looking at Kalix that way. And Kalix too no longer wanted to exploit Alexander’s patience. Maybe it was just because his own patience was too short. Still, he couldn’t help it. Even if not right now, even if he couldn’t do so right now, Kalix still wanted to take responsibility for Alexander.
“CC, if you say you’re scared of liking me, I can wait longer. But those reasons you mentioned won’t do.”
Alexander still wore quite an affectionate smile as he gently stroked Kalix’s hair.
“Whatever you’re worried about, you need to be happy quickly.”
Alexander whispered as if seducing, looking straight at Kalix and speaking slowly.
“Even if I can’t solve all your problems, if it’s something like that, I think I could probably solve it to some degree.”
Kalix was frozen as if enchanted, savoring each of Alexander’s words and unable to tear his gaze away from the eyes that spoke them. Then he finally came to his senses at the touch gently caressing his eyelashes. He hadn’t realized how much Alexander had been hiding while handling Kalix, but now he could understand.
“Sasha, but I dislike everyone except you anyway.”
But Kalix was inevitably cautious.
“You know that too.”
He knew he couldn’t just let it pass like this. Kalix wanted to take responsibility and didn’t want to exploit Alexander’s stability. Not anymore.
“But why do you want to date me anyway?”
Kalix couldn’t do without Alexander anyway. Alexander surely knew that clearly too. Kalix always looked for Alexander and became anxious whenever Alexander wasn’t in sight. So Alexander didn’t really need to date Kalix. He could just continue like this. Until summer vacation came.
Alexander must already know this well, yet saying he wanted to date—was it because he wanted to sleep together after all? Alexander had already said his words about not feeling sexual desire toward Kalix were lies. And Alexander said he doesn’t sleep with people he’s not dating, so was it because he wanted to sleep together? But he was aware he’d get scolded if he said that.
“CC, that’s because.”
Alexander briefly kissed Kalix’s cheek. When Kalix’s gaze froze and wavered awkwardly, Alexander gently stroked his eyes to make Kalix look at him.
“I wanted to tell you that I like you a lot.”
Kalix really couldn’t understand Alexander.
“I”
And Kalix couldn’t understand himself either.
“like you a lot.”
How could he like Kalix while clearly knowing Kalix’s situation? How had he come to like Alexander while clearly knowing his own situation?
“I hoped you wouldn’t be afraid of these words.”
The moment he realized Alexander had wanted to be freely affectionate toward Kalix, his heart ached just as much.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
