He rather wished it were so. Kalix couldn’t understand Alexander. Even though Alexander was all he had left, he couldn’t understand anything. Would it be a little better if he knew something at least? Since he couldn’t let go anyway, he wanted to give him what he wanted at least.
“I don’t need you. I don’t want anything either. I just you…”
Alexander cut off his words for a moment. He seemed to know what the unfinished words would be. So his ears felt blocked. As if he had already heard those words.
“If you want, I’ll always be by your side.”
Instead of continuing the broken sentence, Alexander spoke a new sentence and quietly looked at Kalix.
“Do you want that?”
When Kalix nodded, Alexander gently stroked near Kalix’s ear.
“Tell me.”
It was a gentle voice, but looking at that gaze, it was hard to tell. He couldn’t define it clearly, but it wasn’t just a gentle gaze. Alexander’s eyes weren’t that soft. But that wasn’t scary.
“Keep staying by my side.”
What was really scary was Alexander not being there.
“By my side, not someone else’s.”
Kalix slowly watched Alexander close his eyes, and he too closed his eyes. Feeling Alexander gently stirring inside his mouth, Kalix held onto Alexander again. He didn’t want to fall away. When Kalix pulled Alexander toward him, Alexander was drawn along obediently and slowly laid Kalix back down on the bed.
Kalix lay on the bed and felt Alexander climbing on top of him. He knows what will happen. No, actually he doesn’t know. What will happen after that. Maybe really like Kalix thinks, Alexander might become strange too. Or maybe he had already become strange. In fact, it was strange in itself that he chose Kalix while leaving aside countless people he could choose comfortably and normally.
But still, Alexander is here. Saying he’s Kalix’s. So whatever happens afterward, for now it’s enough. Alexander is what Kalix wants most.
Kalix was breathing heavily as he opened his eyes. Alexander couldn’t hide his darkened eyes as he looked at Kalix, yet he didn’t come any closer. Kalix reached out and pulled Alexander toward him. Then Alexander made a complicated expression for a moment, but soon came closer. Then he gently kissed near Kalix’s eyes.
He had been feeling it, but was he really crying? A wet sound rang in his ears. Kalix closed his eyes again, but Alexander didn’t do anything else. When he slowly opened his eyes again, Alexander was looking down at Kalix just like that. The hand supporting himself beside Kalix’s head was clenched into a fist as if holding back something. Alexander kissed near Kalix’s eyes once more.
“CC, you know you’re not ready yet either.”
Alexander got down from on top of Kalix’s body, lightly pressing against Kalix’s chest to stop him from trying to sit up as well.
“I’ll wait as long as it takes until you want it, and that’s important for both you and me.”
Kalix looked at Alexander without understanding those words. Kalix didn’t know this method. All the methods Kalix knew, had seen, all started with the body. He didn’t know how to wait like this. Even though an opportunity had been given. So it was too confusing for him.
“I’m going to be someone you can always feel at ease with whenever you think of me. Someone you can always feel reassured by whenever you remember me.”
Alexander gently stroked Kalix’s hair and lightly kissed his temple.
“Not associating it with bad memories.”
Kalix still couldn’t understand Alexander. Neither the meaning nor the reason.
“Otherwise it would be meaningless.”
But he did know that he was being cherished. In fact, he had always known. Always. Alexander withdrew his hands from Kalix and tried to get up. When Kalix reflexively grabbed Alexander, Alexander softened his eyes as if troubled.
“That’s something I—”
His heart lurched momentarily at that expression. Maybe it wasn’t what he wanted. It really was like that. As Alexander had said, Kalix wasn’t something Alexander needed. It was something else. Do you dislike me? Now, have you come to dislike me? There were too many reasons for that. Kalix had acted strangely all vacation. Before that he had acted even stranger, and even after the semester started he was strange. Kalix was just strange.
Had he gotten tired of it? Was this actually not it? Had he just been trying to comfort him, but Kalix had misunderstood? Then what should I do for you and how?
“It’s more important than being turned on by you.”
At those words that followed, Kalix reflexively checked below. Alexander’s, that is.
“You said you didn’t want to sleep with me.”
Though it was a story that had no credibility anymore at this point, Alexander simply answered.
“That was a lie.”
His voice was nothing but confident. Kalix awkwardly turned his gaze away, then hesitantly grabbed Alexander’s sleeve. Now, he had to hear it. The truth that couldn’t be hidden no matter how much it was concealed.
“Then do you like me?”
He knew the words Alexander couldn’t say even after it had come to this point. If it wasn’t a mistake. Kalix shouldn’t let Alexander continue like that. Even though it had been that way until now, he couldn’t do it even in this moment when Alexander was comforting Kalix. He couldn’t force him to hide it more. Because Kalix hated seeing Alexander struggle. Because he didn’t want to wrong Alexander anymore.
“How would you like me to tell you?”
Alexander reached out again and caressed Kalix’s eyes.
“I’ll say it however you want me to.”
The voice that came whispering softly was composed, but somehow had a seductive quality to it. As if completely ignoring the safe distance of about one step that had always been maintained until now.
“Do you,”
Kalix knew that Alexander could have eliminated that distance in one go if he had wanted to. But he hadn’t done so purely because of Kalix. So as not to make Kalix anxious.
“like me?”
At that question that finally came out, Alexander smiled gently.
“Yes. I like you.”
When Kalix quietly looked at Alexander, Alexander kissed Kalix’s eyes while still smiling.
“I, you.”
Those fingers then lightly traced Kalix’s eyes a few times.
“CC, please don’t cry. It’s really troublesome right now.”
And when he tried to remove Kalix’s hand, Kalix grabbed Alexander again.
“Why?”
Kalix wasn’t crying. Alexander knew that too. But Alexander kissed his eyes again soothingly, as if Kalix was indeed crying.
“Why do you think? If I stay with you like this, it doesn’t seem like it’ll get resolved.”
Alexander whispered affectionately in his ear.
“Can I think of you?”
He could feel his ears turning red instantly. When he reflexively let go of his hand, Alexander finally got up again and kissed Kalix’s hair.
“Since you were crying and I had no choice, please overlook this much.”
What? Kalix quietly looked at the spot where Alexander had disappeared from on the bed. Alexander had left the room, gone out to do something. To take care of it. But thinking of Kalix…
Kalix covered his face with his hands. His mind, which had been somewhat dazed until just now, all came back at once. Under his hands that had been pale and cold, now even his face became hot all at once. He must be crazy.
* * *
In the end, he couldn’t sleep a wink. Alexander returned to the room after a while, said good night without any other mention, and seemed to have slept well as he said. But Kalix was different. Kalix spent the whole night glancing at Alexander, then trying not to do so, then checking again, then trying to stop again, continuing that pattern over and over. Perhaps because he hadn’t slept properly, Kalix couldn’t even tell clearly if he was still dreaming.
Kalix tried not to look at Alexander sitting in front of him. Whether only Kalix was concerned about yesterday’s events, Alexander went to training as usual, then stopped by the room to bring Kalix to the dining hall. Without any mention of yesterday’s events. Even if Kalix hadn’t been in his right mind, Alexander wouldn’t have been like that. Moreover, in fact, except for the very beginning, Kalix had been sane enough to know what he was doing.
Was Alexander perhaps regretting it? So was he trying to make it seem like it never happened at all? It certainly had been quite impulsive. He had been on edge the whole time, and was disoriented from just waking up. Alexander obviously knew that too, so maybe he thought it was just something said in confusion.
It actually was like that, but still Kalix didn’t regret it. Though it was something that happened without any plan, he still didn’t regret it. But was Alexander different? But to say he was different, Alexander had been in his right mind the whole time. Still, maybe he just got swept up when Kalix crashed their lips together first. No, that’s not right. He said he liked me though. But then why isn’t he saying anything about it?
“I was going to eat that but stopped, the sauce was weird last year.”
At the sight of Edwin and Philip sitting across from them, Kalix felt both relieved and a bit displeased. It was fortunate that they prevented him from having to spend awkward time alone with Alexander, but really? Moreover, Philip always talked about going drinking with Alexander, which was particularly unwelcome. Edwin was in the military studies department anyway so he would have been with Alexander until just now, so why did he come again?
“Sauce is just sauce, what else could there be?”
At Alexander’s words as he looked at his own menu different from Edwin’s, Kalix silently ate his meal. Whether it was true that bigger shocks made you forget smaller shocks, he couldn’t think of anything except Alexander.
“Want to go?”
At Philip’s predictable words, Kalix reflexively stared at Philip. Trying to lure Alexander out again. Currently Alexander was maintaining his exemplary lifestyle quite well. If you were a friend, shouldn’t you help with that?
When he openly showed his displeasure, Philip awkwardly avoided Kalix’s gaze and said to Alexander.
“It’s been a while. There’s hardly any supervision at the beginning of the semester.”
“I’m seeing someone these days so I probably won’t be going out anymore.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
