Now he truly couldn’t help but know. Maybe Jasper would be better for Alexander after all. Whoever it was would be more helpful than Kalix. Kalix was truly of no use to Alexander whatsoever.
I had wanted a good person by your side. Anyone would be better than me, for you.
* * *
Summer vacation ended. They officially changed rooms, and Kalix came to share a room with Alexander as he had applied for before summer vacation. They said if you had a preferred floor and there was space available, they’d assign it in advance, so he chose the top floor, the 5th floor. Fortunately, when classes began, they had been properly assigned to the 5th floor.
When he first suggested the 5th floor, Alexander looked a bit incredulous, but he didn’t particularly oppose it. He probably knew that Kalix had deliberately chosen the 5th floor hoping it would make Alexander’s path outside even slightly more bothersome.
Jasper was said to be sharing with Dylan. He didn’t know how that had come about, and didn’t particularly want to know either. As long as it wasn’t Alexander, that was enough. And since Alexander ultimately didn’t like Kalix either, that was settled. This is how it should have been from the beginning.
Going to the territory in the first place had been the problem. Like now, he should have eliminated all points of contact as much as possible. Still, at school he only needed to be careful of Jasper and Marcel. Basically, that was it. Since Jasper was using a different room, that was settled for now, and Marcel was no longer his advisor either.
Advisors could also be changed once a year, and when his body was stolen, it had been Marcel throughout the preparatory course. But this time was different. He had changed to a different professor, so now except for classes, there would be no occasion to see Marcel either.
Certainly, that’s how it was. That’s how it had to be.
Kalix froze in front of the slightly open door, unable to do anything. Nothing should happen. Because he had avoided everything. Since he had avoided all those conditions, nothing should happen. It had to be that way.
Summer vacation is a turning point. Not just summer vacation, but right after it too. When the semester starts, you meet people you couldn’t meet during vacation. Jasper had thought Alexander had a fiancée and ended up pushing himself. And Marcel…
Kalix knows this situation. At the beginning of the semester, there are consultations. At this point, they had already slept together. But Marcel seemed to have difficulty accepting that he had slept with a student and showed signs of avoidance. And now. Marcel in the consultation room was crying. The problem with his fiancé had finally erupted, and Kalix happened to be there, and so it happened.
But it shouldn’t be now. Back then, Marcel was Kalix’s advisor. So Kalix had visited Marcel outside of consultation hours and ended up seeing this situation. But the current Kalix wasn’t like that. He had avoided Marcel as much as possible. He had even changed advisors, and there was no contact point now anyway, so why was seeing this situation unchanged?
Then, suddenly their eyes met. Kalix immediately turned around and left the scene. Why doesn’t anything change?
Nothing changes. What will happen will happen. He thought it would be okay if he avoided it. Until now, he had thought it was only because Kalix hadn’t properly avoided things. If he hadn’t gone to the territory, he wouldn’t have met Cyrus, but he had gone to the territory. So he thought that’s why such things happened.
Therefore, he thought he just needed to avoid everything that would happen. Kalix roughly knows when and what incidents will occur. So if he avoided them and blocked all possibilities for them to happen, then surely it would be okay. But what if that wasn’t the case? In the end, what if what will happen will happen?
* * *
“CC, are you hurt somewhere?”
Kalix looked at Alexander with unfocused eyes. He had definitely been sleeping, but he couldn’t tell if he had properly woken up or was still sleeping.
“You seemed to have trouble breathing while sleeping.”
“No one did anything wrong.”
Suddenly, it seemed like something that had been pressed down and contained all this time had broken. Something that was already broken, that he had been comforting himself was okay somehow, and then again.
“Then why am I like this?”
Continuously, what was most agonizing was this. Everything was a problem, but no one did anything wrong. There was no one to resent, no one to blame. Because no one did anything wrong. But Kalix was broken. He could never go back to how things were before. He couldn’t live like before or think like before. He had to suspect everything, and yet couldn’t feel secure about anything.
Kalix was this broken, but everything else was fine. Only Kalix was wrong. But if nothing was wrong, why was Kalix wrong?
“It’s not me. Then what am I?”
Embracing a problem he couldn’t find an answer to, already knowing he couldn’t find anything, yet he couldn’t let go either. No one knew Kalix. Whether they loved him or didn’t love him, whether it was just his body, whether they used him, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t Kalix.
But no one noticed. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t Kalix. As long as it just looked like Kalix, then anything was fine. Then what the hell am I?
“Why don’t I have anything?”
Everything he thought was his wasn’t actually his. They were things that anyone who looked like him could take. Kalix had nothing of his own. Even his complete self, nothing was his own. Nothing.
“Why do I have nothing?”
Everyone lives having something, and Kalix surely did too. There were things that were his. There were things he loved, things he always cherished. Maybe it’s still like that. But even so, he knows it’s not his. All the affection that comes to him isn’t actually his. They were things that didn’t matter if it wasn’t Kalix. In reality too, it didn’t matter if it wasn’t Kalix. In reality, it was like that.
As long as someone fulfilled Kalix’s role and function, anyone was fine. Son, younger brother, relative, friend. Anyone was fine for those roles. Relatives, friends, even family. Everyone continued to love some being that had Kalix’s body. Even though it wasn’t me. You weren’t loving me.
“Why can’t I have anything?”
He didn’t need to resent anyone. Nothing would get better. No one did anything wrong. Only that thought continued to occupy his mind. Then is everything Kalix’s fault? Is it all Kalix’s fault that he clings to things that didn’t even happen and can’t even stand up properly? Is it that he worries his family who loves him, and knowing all that, he only avoids them and hurts them—is that just all my fault?
Not only that, but hurting you too, knowing full well that it’s not helpful to you but having no choice but to keep holding on, am I really doing wrong to you? Why?
“You have me.”
His vision blurred.
“Alex, are you mine?”
Only then did Kalix realize he was holding onto Alexander.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
In the end, Kalix continued to use Alexander. For the reason that he was someone who gave him peace, he wanted him to keep staying by his side. He didn’t even want to know what that meant to Alexander. He did this even though he already knew it might become a difficult thing for Alexander. Because he felt like he was dying. Because if no one was there, he really would have died.
“I kept being mean to you.”
While always being anxious that he might come to hate him, he ignored all other emotions. That was because he was scared. Kalix wanted Alexander to only act as he wished. To stay by his side, but not want anything. If Alexander liked him, Kalix couldn’t respond. And if he gave such a response, Alexander would disappear.
“It’s okay.”
But Alexander was still here now, in this place, by Kalix’s side, wholly existing.
“I told you.”
Why? He didn’t want to think about the reason. There was no need to. He already knew.
“Whatever you do is okay.”
Kalix closed his eyes. He felt something drop onto his cheek. Actually, he might not have felt it. It was just that kind of feeling. His heartbeat rang in his ears, and it felt unreal. Maybe he was still dreaming. Kalix opened his eyes again and looked at Alexander.
All he could see through his wet vision was Alexander. Worried-looking, thoughtful eyes. I’m no help to you at all. You’ve never had this role for me. But why do you stay by my side? If there’s something you want from me, if I fulfill all of that, then won’t you leave me?
Kalix pressed his lips to those lips. Now he really knew. Tears kept flowing. Maybe it was a physiological reaction. Because his heart was beating too fast. Because it hurt enough to make his stomach ache.
Kalix slightly parted his lips, then pressed them together again. He could feel Alexander’s body stiffen under the hand still gripping Alexander’s arm. Kalix looked down at those lips, then approached again. This time he could feel Alexander’s body flinch.
Alexander raised his other hand that wasn’t caught by Kalix, seeming about to wrap it around Kalix’s nape, but just clenched his fist tightly and lowered his hand again. Kalix wrapped that hand with his own hand. When he kissed again like that, only then did Alexander’s lips part slightly.
“You’re not mine.”
While keeping their lips pressed together, at Kalix’s words as he slowly pulled away, Alexander quietly looked at Kalix. Kalix let go of the hand that had been holding Alexander. Alexander wasn’t Kalix’s. Alexander had many choices he could make. He could trust freely and do as he wanted. But why do you choose me, and how can you become mine?
“Close your eyes, CC.”
When he closed his eyes at those words, he could feel Alexander gently kissing him. Unlike how Kalix had been kissing selfishly yet clumsily just moments ago, Alexander touched him infinitely tenderly. After lightly licking his lower lip, at the feeling of him gently sucking it, when he slowly opened his lips, Alexander entered.
Then very gently, Alexander’s hand wrapped around Kalix’s nape. The tongue that lightly touched inside his mouth felt more like soothing than kissing.
“You can have me as much as you want.”
Kalix slowly opened his eyes.
“If only you want to.”
Their lips met again. Alexander gently licked between Kalix’s lips and found his hesitating tongue to suck. When he shrank back at the stronger stimulation than before, Alexander lightly stroked Kalix’s neckline with his thumb.
“Alex, what do you want from me? Why do you need me?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
