He couldn’t even guess what it meant, and didn’t want to think about anything.
“Did you sleep?”
At the question while looking at Kalix’s bed, Kalix shook his head.
“No.”
He had rather tried to sleep, but it hadn’t worked out as he wanted. Alexander moved toward the door while looking at Kalix.
“CC, come here.”
Kalix quietly gazed at Alexander. Everything Kalix had loved had turned bad. Even his family, who had been most central to him. In the end, nothing remained. But Kalix slowly moved his steps toward Alexander’s side.
Just following Alexander’s steps, they arrived at the study. Alexander entered without saying a word, then randomly pulled out a book from the bookshelf and handed it to Kalix.
“Read that to the end.”
Kalix checked the book.
“I’ve read this one.”
“Read it again.”
At those words, Kalix simply nodded and opened the book. He read the book as told, but not a single word entered his eyes. When he looked up, fearing other thoughts might surge up, he saw Alexander’s back. While he had given Kalix just anything, Alexander himself was quite carefully selecting a book to read.
Feeling numb, he lowered his gaze again, and slowly his hands began to sting as if blood was returning to them. Alexander didn’t say a word during the dawn hours while Kalix finished reading the book. He too read a book beside him, occasionally looking outside. Yet he never bothered to say anything to Kalix, just continued to stay by his side like that.
The only thing that had changed from something he didn’t like to something good was Alexander. So would Alexander change too? Since everything Kalix had loved had turned bad, was it now Alexander’s turn to change again? But you’re all that’s left.
* * *
When his body was stolen, everyone who was touched had a gap. There had to be one to penetrate, there had to be one to continue. What had created Jasper’s gap? Kalix naturally knew the answer. It was Alexander.
The remaining time at the Blackwood territory was spent in a sunken state. Then, though he didn’t know what Alexander had said, the family accepted that they would leave the territory a bit early. So when they came to the Clifford territory, unlike Kalix’s family, no one had come out to greet them in advance. There were just Jasper and some woman.
That woman resembled Alexander’s mother so much that it wasn’t difficult to know she was a relative. When Alexander saw that woman, even before introducing her to Kalix, he immediately approached the woman, wrapped his arm around her waist, and took her to a slightly distant place. Since there was some distance, he couldn’t tell what they were talking about. Moreover, Alexander had his back turned, so he couldn’t see his expression either.
All he could see was the woman’s expression. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman quite resembled Alexander’s mother in appearance, and that color combination also reminded him of Skylar. Moreover, her calm attitude despite Alexander suddenly taking her away. She seemed stable, as if confident that Alexander wouldn’t treat her forcefully.
“That’s Sasha’s fiancée.”
That voice that suddenly emerged was composed but had no strength whatsoever. Summer vacation was a kind of turning point. A turning point where the school year progressed and decisions were made about what to do going forward. When his body was first stolen, there had been several more people he’d touched before summer vacation. And after summer vacation passed, he had focused on only four of them. Though he wasn’t sure if it could be called focusing when there were as many as four. The second time, it had been four from the beginning.
Jasper came after summer vacation ended. Though he had been dependent from the start, there hadn’t been a feeling that he was particularly approaching. It was always the person inside Kalix’s body who approached. But after summer vacation ended, right after the school year changed, it became different.
Kalix looked at Jasper’s profile. His neat and pretty face always carried a subtle melancholy. As if it was a habit so ingrained it could never be removed. Kalix had actually known from the beginning that Alexander’s efforts to keep Jasper from meeting him were really unnecessary. Jasper was deeply resigned anyway. He had no strength to move anything.
Then suddenly, as soon as he turned his gaze, his eyes met Alexander’s. Alexander approached Kalix and Jasper again just like that. He left the woman behind, but the woman immediately followed Alexander with quick steps.
“Magnolia. She’s my cousin and she’ll be leaving tomorrow.”
In that brief introduction of his cousin to Kalix, Magnolia linked arms with Jasper as she had when she first came out to greet Alexander and Kalix, and spoke as if hiding from Alexander.
“Why? I was going to play with Jess.”
Her voice, which was somewhat coy yet playful, was something anyone would find endearing, but Alexander ignored such Magnolia and said:
“Kalix Blackwood. My friend. Got it?”
Then when he introduced Kalix, Magnolia smiled and greeted him.
“Hello.”
“Yes. Hello.”
Seeing her round eyes curve charmingly as she winked, he greeted her back, and Magnolia glanced at Alexander then pulled Jasper along as she moved.
“You’re coming in, right? Jess, come with me.”
At her appearance of glancing at Alexander while quickening her steps, Alexander sighed as if troubled. Kalix watched Jasper beside her, then asked Alexander.
“Is she your fiancée?”
“What? No.”
Since Alexander had already told him he didn’t have a fiancée, that firm answer was something he’d known all along. Naturally, Jasper would know too. But why had Jasper said she was his fiancée then?
“Jasper seemed to think so.”
After summer vacation ended, Jasper had been noticeably fragile and dependent. Being intimidated wasn’t new, but the gloominess that appeared on his particularly pretty face had indeed become especially thick. How forlorn an atmosphere that had created.
“Marriage talks come up every year. But that’s the end of it. It’s nothing serious.”
Still, it would have been different for Jasper to accept. Somehow he had been unusually easy. Everyone else required effort to overcome some resistance before being touched. But Jasper had been uniquely easy. Thinking about it now, that was ultimately self-abuse.
Knowing there were others, yet going beyond being willingly used to becoming focused on it—that’s how it ended up. Just as the person who had Kalix’s body never cherished Jasper, Jasper didn’t care who it was either. No one could become Alexander anyway. He didn’t know if the person who stole Kalix’s body knew this, but he hadn’t bothered to dig into it.
But Kalix just nodded. However Jasper felt, whatever Alexander actually thought of Magnolia, whatever happened in the future, it might actually be best if things turned out as Jasper had said.
Alexander could marry a decent person, care for that person in his own way, and live ordinarily yet happily. With someone who wouldn’t change him, but would allow him to remain himself. With such a proper person.
Maybe it could be Magnolia. Maybe it could be Rosie. Maybe Deborah had possibilities too. Maybe it would be possible with Skylar if complicated issues were resolved. In the end, whoever he chose, with someone worthy of him.
* * *
The sense of unease combined with pressure became worse with each day spent at the Clifford territory. Magnolia didn’t leave the next day, but stayed for another week before departing. And during that time, Kalix met Alexander’s family. Frederick, who often appeared in Alexander’s stories, looked remarkably similar to Alexander.
He had vaguely thought Frederick would have brown hair like Alexander and Jasper, but he actually had black hair, and perhaps because of that, or perhaps because his accompanying eyes were deep blue, he gave a cooler impression than Alexander. Seeing that he had the same color combination as Marquis Clifford, Alexander’s father, it seemed to be inherited.
But while Alexander was in warm-toned colors and Frederick was in cool-toned colors, their features and the atmosphere they gave off were similar. After realizing this, one corner of his chest felt constantly stuffy.
Alexander’s household seemed to maintain quite a strict family tradition, as the Marquis, Frederick, and Alexander always woke up early in the morning. Jasper was excused saying he was a heavy sleeper in the mornings, and they said Kalix didn’t need to get up since he was a guest, but basically that’s how it was.
Perhaps because it was a military family, the atmosphere was somewhat rigid and formal, but that didn’t extend to how family members treated each other. When the Marquis suggested doing something together, Frederick and Alexander would always defer to each other, telling the other to accompany their father. Right in front of the Marquis. Since this wasn’t just a day or two, the Marquis would watch as if either of them was fine until the two made a decision.
Those were the kind of days. Alexander and Frederick weren’t particularly affectionate with each other, but there was a familiarity and understanding that everyone could notice without it needing to be expressed. The Marquis too, though his attitude was strict even toward his sons, had an affection that didn’t even need to be shown.
This is how Alexander had grown up. Kalix understood where Alexander’s unexpressed tenderness came from. It had been familiar to Alexander. Alexander knew how to watch over someone—stepping back when pushed away, quietly observing when approached.
So he couldn’t help but realize. Alexander had many things. Alexander was right. The reason Alexander could wait, could watch over slowly, could stop without showing it, was because he had much. Because it would be okay to lose that much.
It was different from Kalix. For Kalix, there was only Alexander. If he lost Alexander, it would be over. But Alexander wasn’t like that. Alexander would be fine without Kalix. It would probably be better without him.
When his body was stolen and he had to watch his body as a bystander, he thought everything lacked context. Why did Hugo suddenly relay Jasper’s story, why was Jasper crying in their shared room, why was Marcel sleeping even though he knew it was consultation time, why Cyrus, why others.
But in the end, there had been purpose. Everything had a reason. Unlike most of reality, which happens without particular reason, everything back then had been a reason for something to progress. It had been such a function. Alexander must have been the role connected to Jasper. To lead Jasper to Kalix. So now, in the future, if he continued to stay by Kalix’s side, what would happen?
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
