After arriving at the estate, Kalix and Cyrus had never done anything together, just the two of them. Originally, they had often done things secretly without their parents knowing.
Especially when Kalix caused trouble or skipped studying to go out and play, it was mainly Cyrus who would turn a blind eye so their parents wouldn’t catch him. Very occasionally, he would even participate. But since returning, they had never done so. With Cyrus, it was best not to face each other at all.
“They told me to ask if something was wrong since you’ve been particularly listless after going to the Academy. Is it really nothing?”
But at that approaching step, Kalix barely held back from reflexively stepping backward.
“I’m fine.”
Where was Alexander? It seemed like things would be a little better if he could at least see him. But Alexander was nowhere to be seen.
“Debbie said you seem a bit sensitive too.”
Deborah? Why was he talking about Deborah? Why was Deborah here? Because of Alexander? Or maybe…
“Debbie saw that wrong.”
Kalix barely cut off his thoughts. It’s different from back then. Even if Kalix finds all the things he should be familiar with uncomfortable, it’s different from back then. It’s something that will never happen again. Something that never happened.
“Debbie has hardly ever been wrong about you. As you know. Kalix, it’s to the point where even Debbie notices.”
Deborah, why.
“And you kept paying attention to Debbie being with Alex.”
Back then too. Deborah was there.
“Kalix, what do you think of Debbie?”
Back then it was like this. They talked like this. The first incident with Cyrus happened during winter break. After that, Cyrus avoided Kalix. Because it wasn’t right. But it had happened, and after winter break ended, they went to the Academy and were apart, but eventually summer break came. Cyrus avoided Kalix as he had before. Even so, it was summer break, and they were both at the estate, so they had no choice but to face each other. And Deborah.
Just a friend, but someone others might see differently. If it were the original Cyrus, if he were Kalix’s brother, he would tease subtly but know perfectly well that she was just a friend. But if not, perhaps a girl he might be concerned about.
Someone who seemed close to the person he had slept with. Someone he was concerned about, worried she might not just be a friend, and so eventually ended up asking.
“I want to go to sleep.”
Kalix couldn’t tell what he looked like right now. He hadn’t gotten better. From the beginning, he had only covered it up; there hadn’t been a single moment when he had actually gotten better. He had tried not to remember, but when he touched on memories, everything came flooding back. He should have lived like the beginning instead. He should have remembered everything and been prepared. Why Deborah was there.
In the end, it was a role. People who didn’t have physical acts all had their own connections and roles. Whether it was Kalix or the other person, they served as motivation to stimulate someone and lead them to action. Hugo provided all kinds of information to induce signals, Marcel’s fiancé made Marcel weak, and Lionel’s mentor informed Lionel of anxiety. For that person who had taken over Kalix’s body to use.
“What?”
And Deborah made Cyrus approach again. Made him aware. And then used his attempt to distance himself again to pull him in completely.
“I’m tired.”
A voice rang in his ears. He couldn’t distinguish whose voice it was. It wasn’t familiar.
What do you think would happen if I liked Debbie. I don’t like her. Why are you making that expression. That troubles you. Why were you curious about that. What would you do if I said she wasn’t just a friend. You’re concerned about me. Not as a younger brother. Admit it. For the remaining time, I wish it were just the two of us.
And.
“Then shall I talk to you tomorrow morning?”
It was a tone that said he wouldn’t just let it pass like now. Kalix wanted to check Cyrus’s expression as he said that, but he couldn’t gauge it. Everything kept overlapping. The voice, the expression.
“Kalix, you’re leaving with Alex again soon, aren’t you?”
And what had happened. And something had happened. Something he didn’t remember.
“What’s wrong?”
Why had he done that? Cyrus didn’t like it. He had been continuously tormented. And yet.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going.”
But why couldn’t Kalix resent Cyrus? Kalix was clearly suffering, it was hard even to look at his face, just talking made him dizzy, so why was everything nothing?
“Kalix, it’s not just because you like your friend.”
“That’s exactly why.”
Why do I have to be like this?
“Cyrus, I just…”
It’s fortunate that it didn’t happen. But then, what about me?
“Can’t I go to sleep?”
Kalix couldn’t tell what kind of voice he had said that with. Whether he had properly made a sound, what expression he had, what tone it was, whether he was standing properly—he couldn’t tell anything. On top of that, he couldn’t tell what Cyrus looked like in front of him either. He only understood that Cyrus nodded after some silence.
* * *
Upon entering his room, Kalix immediately locked all the doors. Even the balcony door. Then, buried under the covers, he couldn’t tell how much time had passed. He didn’t answer the knocking sounds telling him to eat, so dinner had surely passed.
“CC.”
At that voice suddenly heard from the balcony side, Kalix didn’t move a muscle. Nothing would change anyway. He had thought being careful would make things better. But everything happens. Deborah was there, and Cyrus asked about Deborah.
“CC?”
Everyone became strange when they were with Kalix. And most were unhappy. Kalix had approached using that person’s weak points.
“I know you’re not sleeping. You talked with your brother, didn’t you?”
Because the door was closed, the sound wasn’t clear, but it wasn’t difficult to understand.
“Why didn’t you eat dinner?”
If nothing would change, why was Kalix here? Had he possibly thought something would change? Or that it would be okay to see his family? Just because his family had done nothing wrong? If everything would be okay with just that, there would have been no problem from the beginning. The problem was that he knew all this but couldn’t shake it off. There was no fault or anything like that. So it couldn’t be solved either. It would follow him for the rest of his life.
“CC.”
With those words, nothing could be heard for a while. Good. Alexander wouldn’t have gotten an answer from Kalix anyway, no matter what he said. Then, suddenly, there was a sound as if trying to open the door. But realizing it was locked, this time knocking sounds came.
When he gave no reaction, let alone opening it, the sound of knocking on the door a couple more times was heard, then that too disappeared.
“CC, I’m coming over.”
At the sound from the balcony side again not long after, Kalix remained still without moving. And this time, the sound of tapping on the balcony door was heard.
“Won’t you open it?”
At that voice, Kalix completely covered his ears with his hands. He didn’t want to hear anything. If Alexander was with Kalix, he would surely become strange too. Maybe it had already happened. When he covered his ears, it seemed like sounds from who knows where could be heard. The silence was suffocating.
Then again, the sound of knocking on the door was heard. Kalix exhaled as if letting out held breath. Kalix squeezed his eyes shut, then barely opened them and pushed back the covers with trembling hands. And when he went to the balcony, Alexander was sitting in a chair now, as if he intended to just keep waiting.
“You don’t like me, do you?”
At the question posed with the door between them, Alexander quietly looked at Kalix. The relaxed atmosphere seemed to stiffen momentarily.
“You don’t like me, right?”
It might have been desperate. If he didn’t like him, that would be fine. If Kalix didn’t do that, and Alexander didn’t do that either, going forward, they could manage at least that much. Unlike with other people, there had never been physical contact with Alexander. Alexander wasn’t that kind of role. Since Alexander wasn’t, he shouldn’t be in the future either. At the very least, just that much.
“I don’t like you.”
At that answer that came while looking straight into his eyes, Kalix chose not to doubt anything. He had to. If Alexander didn’t like Kalix, that was enough. He wanted to believe only that. Suspecting had been wrong from the beginning. Alexander had to like someone else. Kalix opened the door.
“What did you talk about?”
Alexander’s sentence as he entered didn’t end clearly like a question, falling off distinctly. It was a tone familiar to Kalix. Alexander’s own.
“You don’t like me, right? You won’t like me in the future either, right?”
“I won’t.”
The answer that came again contained that much conviction. It wasn’t like he was reassuring Alexander or saying what he wanted to hear.
“I told you I’d do what you want. I won’t do what you don’t want.”
It wasn’t that he didn’t believe him. It seemed like Alexander would really do that. So he had avoided it. Because he didn’t want to use him. But now, Kalix had finally let it out. Alexander was really all Kalix had.
“You must never like me.”
“Got it.”
Alexander, who answered so decisively, carefully examined Kalix’s expression as he was.
“Who made this kid like a wrung-out towel?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
