“Just like you said before. We went hunting for practical training, and your brother left a note. It said to come to the waterfall area or something like that. So I went and you were there.”
“But why did you think Jay wrote the note? Jay’s bad at shooting so he wouldn’t have been able to go on the practical.”
Of course it was because a name was written at the end of the note. Besides, the person who had taken over Kalix’s body was involved with several others besides Jasper, and his interest exclusive to Jasper wasn’t that great, so he couldn’t even recognize the handwriting. Maybe Alexander had imitated the handwriting.
“He went too. His shooting was pretty decent.”
At that time, Kalix and Jasper took almost all their classes together and were always stuck together, so he knew that much. Even among the entire grade, he was good enough to be included in the group that could go on practicals.
“Jay?”
But Alexander, who had been watching Jasper far longer than Kalix, seemed quite surprised.
“Well, classes use targets so that could be possible. But why did he say he’d go on the practical? He should know hunting is different from targets.”
Alexander seemed to quietly think about something, then looked at Kalix again.
“I don’t know why he did it, but the method is quite like me.”
His voice was too calm for someone who had just heard that he had killed someone. Alexander looked at Kalix quite nonchalantly, then suddenly frowned.
“You. Change rooms.”
He must have remembered the comment about touching Jasper.
“I told you I wasn’t in my right mind.”
Of course, for Kalix it was something that had happened to him, so there was nothing to believe or not believe, but Alexander had only heard Kalix’s words. Yet he seemed to believe what Kalix said. Rather than being grateful that he believed him, Kalix wondered if he was sane. Why would he believe this?
“Was there ever anything between you and me?”
Ignoring Kalix’s impression, at that question Kalix answered firmly.
“No.”
That was actually true. He couldn’t know the exact criteria, but basically it was mainly people he could see consistently during a certain period, whether long-term or short-term. There had been no contact with Alexander. Besides, thinking about it, all the people who had been touched were smaller in build than Kalix. Alexander was similar to Kalix, so he was outside that range too.
“Do you know Dylan? Dylan Hampton.”
“Your roommate, right? Just now.”
It was actually a name he didn’t know beyond that.
“What about him?”
“I’ve never even spoken to him.”
He was someone Kalix didn’t even know until Alexander said he was his roommate.
“From now on, he’ll be your roommate.”
Those words seemed quite serious. Kalix looked at Alexander for a moment, unable to say anything. Could it be that he really believed what Kalix said?
“Are you serious?”
Forgetting his own situation, he became a little worried. He had no room to worry about others, but still, to believe something like this.
“You and I can’t share a room. You wouldn’t be able to explain the reason either.”
Alexander seemed to have misunderstood Kalix’s question.
“They’ll say it’s overprotective, but roughly speaking, that’s about right.”
Kalix would also prefer not to share a room with Jasper. It would naturally be much more comfortable. Just as long as it wasn’t Jasper. That was fine, but then why was Alexander doing this? He had said with his own mouth that it would be more comfortable to room with a friend than with his brother.
“Kalix.”
At his name being called suddenly—compared to how he had always been called with his surname attached or just by surname—Kalix momentarily looked at Alexander. Their eyes met directly. Alexander spoke calmly yet seriously.
“You have no reason to die.”
Unlike most of his previous words which had all been strange, this time there was some weight to it.
“Except at school, I’ll take back telling you to die anywhere else.”
Alexander continued speaking.
“Don’t die.”
If his voice had been calm when telling him to die elsewhere, this time it was quite serious.
“If you’re dying because you’re afraid of living like you said, then just don’t do that.”
Kalix knew that too. But if it repeated. What really worried him was that. That he himself might directly repeat it.
“What if that happens?”
“It won’t happen like that.”
“How do you know?”
“You don’t want to do that.”
When he frowned at those overly simple words, Alexander continued.
“Kalix, only do things you like. Don’t do things you hate. That’s all.”
But people all did things they would later regret. If Kalix became like that too, if that regret became too great, even if he knew he would regret it but still committed it?
“You’ll be okay.”
That can’t be. Kalix himself hopes for that. But how can he forget? It’s a memory that will never disappear. Not just the memory, but all the various emotions contained within it.
“If you just wanted to die for no reason at all, you wouldn’t have said these things.”
But Alexander, knowing all of Kalix’s disbelief, spoke definitively.
“But you have a reason. And that reason can be eliminated.”
It was a voice full of conviction, as if it really had to be that way.
“If you don’t want it to be like that, then don’t do it.”
And once again.
“Kalix, you’ll be okay.”
Kalix had no choice but to ask in the end.
“What if not?”
What if not? What if it would only extend the period of suffering? What if no matter how much he hoped, it wouldn’t disappear?
“It’s important to you and very shocking, so you’ll keep remembering it. Maybe even when you think you’ve almost forgotten, it might come back when difficult things happen. But as time passes, it’ll come to mind less and less. As long as your condition is fine, even when it does come to mind, you’ll be able to forget it quickly.”
Even as Alexander said this, he didn’t speak soothingly. There was no consoling tone at all. He was just definitive.
“Like that, gradually, you’ll be okay.”
If it had been comfort, he might have ignored it. Believing such talk wasn’t normal to begin with. So he might have thought Alexander was just trying to brush it off roughly. But Alexander wasn’t comforting him. He was just definitive, as if there was only one conclusion.
“The incident itself will continue to be difficult for you, but still, you’ll be okay.”
So listening to that voice, maybe it really could be that way. That was exactly what Kalix desperately wanted. If he spoke so decisively, wouldn’t there be some basis for it? Couldn’t it really be that way? Even knowing it wasn’t true, because it was the words he had wanted so much, he came to hope for it.
“Kalix, you’ll be okay.”
Alexander quietly looked at Kalix, then suddenly looked down to check his watch. Then their eyes met again immediately.
“You don’t seem dizzy anymore.”
Alexander stood up, then extended his hand to Kalix.
“Can you get up?”
Since he disliked touching others, he just looked at that hand. Alexander looked at Kalix questioningly, then as if realizing something, casually withdrew his hand. When Kalix got up by himself somewhat awkwardly, Alexander gestured toward the door, meaning they should leave now.
Even though he knew he was awake now, it still felt like he was sleeping.
***
[Adjustment]
He really did change rooms. When asked if he shouldn’t speak to his roommate first, Alexander said there was no need. And that was actually true. Dylan, who had been Alexander’s roommate, simply asked if he knew Alexander when he saw Kalix suddenly appear in his room, and didn’t ask anything more.
Looking at Alexander, he seemed to live properly but was somehow indifferent and seemed to have a screw loose somewhere, and his friend Dylan was the same way. But as Alexander had said, Dylan was indeed a comfortable roommate.
Even though he was awake, there was still some time before class, so as he lay quietly on the bed looking at the ceiling, he suddenly heard the door opening. He must have locked the door, but Alexander entering was completely brazen.
“Do you sleep a bit now?”
The casually asking voice was so normal that Kalix glanced at Dylan. There was no movement at all. Dylan, befitting Alexander’s roommate who always seemed to go somewhere at night and return, slept really well. Whether the lights were on or off, whatever sounds came from wherever, whether someone tossed and turned next to him—he really slept well. Besides, his personality was really easygoing too. He didn’t ask about anything, and he wasn’t so indifferent as to be bothersome to others.
“Unless you touch him or call his name, he absolutely won’t wake up.”
Having spent these past few days together, he was well aware of that. Dylan, who slept well without frowning at any sound, would wake up immediately if someone called his name or touched him. Otherwise, he absolutely wouldn’t wake up.
“Doesn’t changing the environment make a difference too? This place should be more comfortable than your original room.”
That was true. First of all, the very fact that Jasper wasn’t there brought some mental stability. He did see him in classes, but if he positioned himself well, he didn’t have to see his face. Besides, lately he mostly saw Dylan and Alexander, and seeing those indifferent personalities made everything duller somehow.
Notes:
Nickname of Jasper Clifford – “Jay” and “Jae“
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
