At the words that came out, catching the silence that had just been flowing, Alexander’s gaze reached Kalix. His usually clear green eyes were tinted darker from not receiving much light, but it wasn’t to the degree that he couldn’t distinguish that the gaze within was direct.
“I think it’ll get worse. Much, much worse than what I know.”
It was frightening for things to proceed as he knew they would, but he became more anxious when unknown things happened. He couldn’t find balance either way.
“How do you get outside?”
To that question that came out again, Alexander just looked at Kalix.
“Why do you want to go out?”
To that voice that finally came out, Kalix couldn’t give any answer.
“Where do you want to go?”
There was no way such a place existed. Even after going out, and even after that, he couldn’t know what he would do.
“Can you go with me?”
Alexander looked at Kalix, who gave no answer, as if examining him carefully.
“What you want to do after going out, where you want to go. When you have a reason you can tell me, and if you can go together with me, then I’ll figure out how to let you know.”
Though his tone was flat as usual, it was resolute as if there was no room for compromise. But what if such a day never came? If the kind of day Alexander mentioned actually came, then Kalix wouldn’t need to tell Alexander his reasons anyway. Being able to do so would mean Kalix had already properly accepted his life, so he wouldn’t need Alexander’s help.
But how could he be certain of that? Kalix would become anxious and want to quit several times a day, then hold hope that maybe now things would really be okay, only to be consumed again by all the ambiguity. But Alexander was definitive, as if the day he spoke of had no choice but to come.
“Problems that can’t be solved can’t be helped.”
And Kalix had problems that couldn’t be solved. Problems that no one could solve for him. But Alexander answered Kalix’s pessimistic words without showing any sign of being truly fed up with them now, nor any sign of feeling sorry for him.
“Then wait. Until it becomes a problem that can be solved, or until it’s no longer a problem.”
At words that sounded too easy and simple, Kalix frowned, but Alexander spoke without regard for Kalix’s expression.
“Kalix, everyone’s like that.”
When Alexander called Kalix’s name, even though it was just a name he called casually, it always had a distinctive resonance. It was the same now. A voice that seemed slightly lower than others and an attitude detached beyond his years, dismissing everything just as simply.
“Everyone has problems. They live either solving them or worrying about how to solve them. Because they know that someday it’ll become nothing. Even if it’s not, even if it’s still troubling, they know it passes anyway.”
Everything became simple when filtered through Alexander’s words. Perhaps because of that, when he really heard that voice, everything seemed just as clear. Even knowing that wasn’t actually the case. What did it mean that it passes anyway? When exactly was someday? And if it was still troubling, wouldn’t that make it meaningless?
But all those rebuttals faded when he met Alexander’s gaze. He knew that when the nights of being alone came, when someone touched even the trivial parts, that anxiety would rise just as easily again. But right now, at this moment, it seemed like it would be okay.
Someday, it seemed like there might come a day when Kalix too could regard everything as simple and straightforward like Alexander. Even if such a day came it would only be brief and most of life would be lived in anxiety, but still, at least for one moment.
“What happened?”
At that question posed again, Kalix looked at Alexander, unable to hide his somewhat complicated gaze. Alexander waited for Kalix without any sign of impatience, as always. Perhaps it wasn’t waiting but an attitude that it was fine either way.
“I have to return to the territory.”
Indeed, that was the biggest problem. The coming-of-age ceremony. As the ceremony approached, he became more anxious and his nerves were frayed by trivial matters. It got worse with each passing day. Thinking about it, the coming-of-age ceremony was truly a turning point. He had touched more people after that.
Even the second time was like that. He had met Lionel properly until the ceremony, then touched him as if waiting right on the day he returned after finishing the ceremony. Even if Kalix had been avoiding well until now, if the ceremony was the turning point, he didn’t know what would happen after that.
“Why?”
“The coming-of-age ceremony.”
“Ah, that’s right.”
Alexander answered briefly as if just realizing, then continued to ask.
“When?”
“Next month.”
“You’ll go, right?”
Alexander’s voice was closer to certainty than a question.
“I have to go.”
The voice that followed was undoubtedly resolute. Kalix knew it too. The coming-of-age ceremony was an event that must be attended. Literally, it was a place to publicly announce that one had become an adult. If you didn’t participate in the ceremony, people would gossip behind your back for life about what was wrong with you. Not just Kalix, but his family too.
So he knew he had to go, but if he didn’t need to think about the aftermath anyway, he wondered if it might be okay not to go. Especially now when he was anxious that his life might plummet into hell once again starting from the ceremony.
“Kalix, whatever you do with your life going forward, you have to go to that.”
Alexander’s words were reasonable, but that was ultimately assuming he would live going forward. If not, it didn’t matter much. Knowing Kalix’s attitude clearly, Alexander continued to ask.
“What happened there?”
It was a tone that already had a rough expectation.
“My brother,”
He already knew it wouldn’t be difficult to predict. Alexander had already heard Kalix’s story. Moreover, if it was a coming-of-age ceremony, naturally all family members would attend.
“Because my brother is coming.”
That was the biggest problem. Other people were problems too, but the biggest problem was still that. Because he was family. Other people were strangers from the start. Jasper, Marcel, Lionel, and others too. They weren’t originally acquaintances. So even if it was unpleasant, he could ignore it. Of course, he couldn’t properly ignore even that, but there was room to try.
But family?
“Invite me.”
At those sudden words, Kalix looked at Alexander.
“Let’s go together.”
Kalix slightly frowned, but Alexander didn’t care.
“I’ll be by your side.”
The calm but firm voice continued.
“Then it’ll be okay.”
He couldn’t understand what that meant. Just because Alexander was by his side, nothing would improve because of that. It was something no one could help with.
“Let’s go together.”
Even so, it was a solid statement without any coaxing or reassuring tone.
“I don’t want to.”
Even at Kalix’s immediate refusal, Alexander said without changing his expression at all.
“Kalix, it’ll be okay.”
“What if it’s not okay?”
“It will be okay.”
Again, words without any basis. Alexander kept saying it would be okay, but it wasn’t okay. Yet Alexander kept saying it would get better. Without any basis.
“How do you know that?”
“Then how do you know it won’t be okay?”
“Because I’ve seen it.”
Alexander naturally wouldn’t believe it, but Kalix had already seen. It wasn’t okay. Only abnormal things continued to happen.
“Then have you also seen me telling you it’ll be okay with me so let’s go together?”
At that question, Kalix stared at Alexander silently as if glaring. That wasn’t the case. Back then, he didn’t know Alexander. Alexander hadn’t even been seen until he killed Kalix the first time. The second time when he went back again, perhaps because he was more careful with his body, there was no contact at all until the very end.
So he had never seen Alexander intervene with Kalix like this. But if all of this was ultimately a path leading to the same conclusion, a slightly different process might not matter.
“I’ve seen it.”
When he said it was okay to lie a little, he thought he’d be easy to deceive, but hearing him speak so definitively while providing no basis made him think Alexander would be good at deceiving too.
“Because I’m doing it now.”
Yet in a way that made him want to believe.
“So listen to me.”
Alexander didn’t approach, just looked at Kalix from where he was.
“It’ll be okay.”
Just looking at Kalix who said nothing.
“I’ll make it okay.”
Making direct eye contact like that.
“Let’s go together.”
Kalix was no help to Alexander at all. There was no way Alexander didn’t know that either. Yet was he persuading like this as if it were just natural? Actually, stopping someone who said they’d die was naturally the right thing to do. So did Alexander want to feel proud?
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
