Anyway, Kalix didn’t know how to open the rooftop door. Kalix picked up Alexander’s jacket that was on the chair and held it out to Alexander.
“Just use it.”
This from someone who was just sitting perched on the railing. When Kalix ignored his words and didn’t withdraw his hand, Alexander didn’t add anything more and took the jacket. After receiving the jacket, Alexander didn’t put it on but carelessly draped it over one shoulder.
Kalix watched that sight, then also sat in the chair. Alexander didn’t particularly ask Kalix anything, just looked at him for a moment, then turned his gaze to look down below.
Looking at his profile receiving moonlight, the conversation from the temple came to mind. The military studies senior everyone talks about. He didn’t know what kind of stories they told, but looking at his somewhat indifferent expression and characteristic calm atmosphere, he could guess. Then he also remembered the context in which that story had come up.
“The guys were talking about your brother.”
At Kalix’s words that came out without any context, Alexander turned his head to look at Kalix.
“Who?”
His expression and voice weren’t much different from usual, but if you looked closely, you could tell there was something slightly different. However, the exact meaning of that difference was unclear.
“It wasn’t anything bad I said, nothing strange either.”
Regardless of Kalix’s discomfort with Jasper, he had no intention of speaking ill of that younger brother in front of Alexander right now. In fact, he hadn’t really said anything in particular, and when he added this explanation, Alexander seemed to be thinking about something before speaking.
“Then that’s fine.”
Alexander’s voice dropped flatly without any emotion, and his gaze fell for a moment before returning to Kalix. There was an illusion that the indifferent gaze seemed to hold a faint warmth. But that warmth still hadn’t disappeared. Under that quiet gaze that demanded nothing, Kalix lowered his eyes.
“Originally, there was someone else. He always egged me on from beside me, asking what I thought of Jasper Clifford, or how he looked to me.”
Hugo hadn’t only talked about Jasper. Somehow he also knew about Marcel’s engagement, and when they went to the temple, he’d tell stories about Lionel too. Though he didn’t interfere directly, if there was anyone who seemed noteworthy, he’d always share stories about them.
And once he felt they’d gotten somewhat close, he’d encourage action. Someone was interested in Jasper, Marcel’s fiancée was returning, Lionel was transferring temples. To Kalix, it was definitely behavior that incited anxiety. Though he could never figure out what it was for until the end.
“But now even someone else is doing the same thing, so maybe this is just something that repeats.”
He’d thought avoiding Hugo would solve it, but maybe not. Perhaps it was just a role. Maybe whoever was by Kalix’s side would end up playing that role. So the problem was because it was Kalix.
“Everyone talks about Jay.”
At the sudden voice, he reflexively looked up and their eyes met directly.
“I’ve never seen anyone who’s met Jay even once not talk about Jay somewhere. Rather, I’m surprised you’re only mentioning it now.”
Alexander’s voice speaking about his younger brother was completely calm.
“He’s pretty, isn’t he?”
Yet he also seemed completely unaffected by it. Without any sign of pride or any indication that he found others’ understanding incomprehensible.
“Quiet, shy, doesn’t keep people close, sensitive. And also pretty.”
Kalix hadn’t seen Alexander and Jasper together very often. Though the two shared a room, since it was just a room, there was no reason to see them together unless he specifically sought them out. Besides, they didn’t overlap much outside, and when they did occasionally meet, it was usually Jasper who would approach Alexander after seeing him, never the other way around. That’s how it seemed to Kalix.
That didn’t mean Alexander was indifferent to Jasper though. When they met, he took good care of him, and it seemed the same while sharing a room. If Jasper couldn’t organize properly, he’d help him, always wake him up. Besides that, he seemed to take care of him in small, daily ways. But that was all.
Kalix had no choice but to know with absolute certainty that all his previous thoughts about Alexander and Jasper had been misunderstandings. Alexander cared for Jasper quite a bit, but that was the end of it. Because they were family—it was too obvious that he cared for him as family.
“All of that combined made it easy for talk to start. Even from before.”
That voice continued in the same calm manner.
“Interest too.”
It wasn’t an encouraging tone. There was no intention to incite anxiety like saying since so many people were interested in Jasper, he should hurry and act too. But maybe Kalix just wanted to interpret it that way. Maybe all these words had some meaning.
Come to think of it, Alexander was also one of the people Kalix frequently encountered. Though it wasn’t as routine as with Owen and Bertram, when they did meet occasionally, they ended up having quite lengthy conversations. Though he’d never intended it, that’s how it turned out. Moreover, if he had to say, Alexander was currently the one who knew the most intimate details of his situation.
Maybe Alexander was also playing the same role as Hugo.
“But still, no.”
But before he could even feel any sense of discord, Alexander’s words came out, and Kalix naturally asked back.
“What?”
“I’m saying Jay won’t do.”
The tone addressing Kalix directly was as peaceful as always, but looking at his gaze, it was nothing but resolute.
“I wasn’t thinking that anyway.”
To the answer that came out immediately without time to think, Alexander asked directly.
“Then isn’t that settled?”
When Kalix slightly frowned at the unclear intention, Alexander said:
“You said you weren’t thinking that. That’s enough, isn’t it?”
Of course, Kalix had no such thoughts. Not just about Jasper, but about everyone else too. Regardless of his discomfort, he knew they weren’t at fault. But even so, he was uncomfortable. So he didn’t want to approach them. He didn’t want to face them either. So there was no way he’d want to do anything else. Especially if it meant following in the footsteps of the person he hated most.
“But if someone keeps pushing, then it could happen, couldn’t it?”
But Kalix couldn’t trust himself. He couldn’t trust what had happened, and he couldn’t trust what would happen. Kalix couldn’t trust his own judgment. Just as he couldn’t understand what had happened before regaining control of his body, he didn’t know how those things had occurred. So perhaps Kalix could end up that way too.
“From what I can see, if someone pushed you from the side, you’d probably hate that person more.”
That was true, but having anxiety and displeasure didn’t solve everything. Rather, his attention might be drawn to them more because of it, and he might end up taking the wrong path. Anything was possible. Either way was terrible.
He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. He’d known from the beginning anyway. Getting better was impossible. He already knew that.
“How do you get outside?”
That was right after all. It would be best to eliminate the cause entirely.
“It’s a secret.”
To those words that came out after looking at Kalix as if examining him, Kalix replied:
“You said you’d help.”
Alexander must have known what Kalix was talking about. But Alexander had said from the beginning that as long as he died quietly, he wouldn’t care. Though he’d changed his words later, in any case, Alexander bore no responsibility. So it would be fine.
“You said that was natural.”
At Kalix’s words, Alexander looked at Kalix for a while without saying anything.
“Did something happen?”
He shook his head at that question, but Alexander didn’t look like he believed him. Even so, Alexander didn’t press Kalix for any answer. Instead, Alexander spoke calmly:
“Stay just a little longer, don’t worry about me and go when you want to go.”
The flat voice seemed to hold an illusion of warmth for a moment.
“If you want to tell me something, that’s good too, and if not, getting some fresh air will change your mood anyway.”
Alexander had been watching over Kalix all this time, and though he sometimes deliberately checked on him, he wasn’t actually attentive. It was just indifferent composure, as if it truly was natural as he said. That was probably why Kalix felt somewhat comfortable with Alexander.
“Anyway, I’ll be here.”
But even while feeling his particular thoughtfulness, he wasn’t particularly anxious. He already knew it was clearly different in quality from the kindness filled with obvious affection. Alexander simply treated Kalix the same as everyone else.
It wasn’t the same attentiveness he showed when with Jasper or Skylar. It wasn’t that kind of familiar affection, so he felt reassured. Alexander was neither cold nor hot. Everything about Alexander that reached Kalix was just loose and lukewarm. So it was neither painful nor threatening.
Alexander seemed to keep his word, turning his head again to quietly look down. It was a place not visible from Kalix’s position, but Kalix naturally followed Alexander’s gaze. Then Kalix suddenly looked at Alexander again.
The quiet air without a word seemed to suit him well somehow. His brown hair was too dark to make out its proper color, and because his gaze was directed downward, his original green eyes weren’t visible. All that could be seen was that side profile receiving the faint moonlight.
When seen in bright places, his eyes were the first thing you noticed, but now because of the darkness, his contours were more distinctly visible instead—his straight nose, well-defined brow bone, elegant jawline. He had the childish impression of looking exactly like a prince from a fairy tale. It seemed like there should be a princess down below, but what was he actually looking at?
“I don’t know what to do.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
