But that couldn’t be the case. The very mindset of laying hands on a priest was problematic to begin with, but if it truly was unavoidable affection, he should have only looked at Lionel. But that wasn’t the case. So in the end, even Lionel was just another target to be used, same as everyone else to that person.
“Jasper Clifford.”
At the voice that suddenly reached him, Kalix, who had been admiring the garden, reflexively turned his gaze. It was Owen’s voice. Following that gaze, he could see Jasper looking at flowers in a corner of the garden.
“Do you know each other?”
“Not really, but he stands out.”
“That’s true. He’s quite pretty after all.”
Along with sudden displeasure, anxiety surged up and his fingertips tingled.
“That’s part of it, but he doesn’t resemble his brother.”
“Ah, Alexander Clifford.”
As Kalix clenched and unclenched his slightly trembling hand, he reflexively asked at hearing that name.
“Do you know him?”
“You don’t know? That military studies senior the guys are always talking about, that’s Alexander Clifford.”
There was no way Kalix would know what the guys were saying. But he could roughly guess. Alexander was fundamentally quite easygoing in personality, but his appearance was extremely striking. He was worth talking about anywhere.
That was also why Kalix felt wary whenever Alexander seemed to pay him even the slightest attention, despite never having been involved with Alexander. When Kalix’s body had been taken over, all the people it had touched were those whose looks caught the eye immediately.
As they were saying now, Alexander and Jasper didn’t resemble each other much for brothers, but both were eye-catching nonetheless. While Jasper looked delicate and pretty to anyone, with thin features that seemed sensitive and pitiful at first glance, Alexander’s features were refined but his bone structure was distinct and his height tall, so he didn’t give a pretty or delicate impression at all. Rather, describing him as handsomely tall would be more fitting.
He already knew that, but hearing it from someone else’s mouth was a different matter.
“Kalix, don’t you share a room with Jasper Clifford?”
“Everyone’s trying to strike up even a word with Jasper Clifford, but you get to share a room with him, so that’s nice.”
Why were they talking about this? Who shared rooms with whom wasn’t a secret, and due to the nature of everyone living in dormitories, it was information that became known even without being specifically told. So there was nothing to hide about Kalix and Jasper being assigned to the same room. But the problem lay in the additional words and their tone.
The tone containing some interest wasn’t significant. It was just that degree of emotion—nothing special, the kind that appeared sufficiently in other conversations. But somehow it reminded him of Hugo.
“I switched.”
“When? I had no idea.”
“Not long ago.”
Knowing they didn’t mean anything bad, Kalix managed to answer calmly when Bertram said,
“Still, you must know Jasper Clifford somewhat. There are tons of guys asking to be introduced to him.”
“Seniors too.”
At Owen’s additional comment, Kalix tried not to be needlessly sensitive.
“I said I switched rooms.”
But judging by how his voice came out quite coldly, it wasn’t very effective. He could feel Bertram and Owen being cautious at that brief statement.
“Want to sprinkle some?”
Seeing him casually offer holy water, Bertram seemed to regard holy water as some kind of cure-all.
“No thanks.”
He barely managed to compose his expression and tried to act nonchalant, but anxiety kept rising. Perhaps his initial thought was right. Perhaps being with Kalix gradually changed other people too. Like that, pushing them down the path Kalix absolutely didn’t want to go.
In the end, wouldn’t that be what happens?
* * *
For a while, he’d had no particular trouble sleeping, but just because of this trivial matter, it became difficult to fall asleep again. Dylan hardly ever woke up, but still worried about disturbing his sleep, Kalix first left the room.
But that room where he used to go out to the balcony when he couldn’t sleep already had its owner back, leaving nowhere to go. Thinking he might as well go to the lounge, Kalix moved his steps to the lower floor but suddenly stopped walking in a daze.
What if someone was there? It was the weekend so there might be no one, but still, there were usually a few people in the lounge at any time. So naturally someone would be there. Would it be better if anyone was there? Jasper wouldn’t be there anyway. That was enough. His train of thought seemed somehow sluggish.
Kalix just stood there blankly on the landing for a long while, simply staying still like that. Unable to go down or up, just being there without any thoughts, nothing felt real.
“Are you sick somewhere?”
At the voice that suddenly reached him, he finally came to his senses. A familiar voice—Alexander. Alexander seemed to be coming up the stairs, looking up at Kalix from a couple steps below. When Kalix just looked at Alexander, Alexander stopped without coming up further and looked at Kalix.
It was late and being the weekend, there was no one passing by. Looking at Alexander’s figure receiving the dim light like that, words suddenly came out.
“It didn’t work well.”
He said it would be okay. Certainly, he said it would get better. When asked what to do if it didn’t, he said it would be okay. He thought maybe it might be so. Whatever had happened before, it was all over and in fact, things that never even happened. So now it really might be okay, maybe it could be, he hoped it would be—that’s what he thought.
But he still couldn’t tell. He couldn’t shake the thought that it would just repeat. Even if Kalix tried to avoid it, it seemed like he was still heading toward the same conclusion. If not Hugo, then Owen and Bertram. If not now, then later. If not the same as that time, then worse.
“I did as you said, but it didn’t work well.”
He had hoped it would be okay. If he had gone to the place Alexander told him about and stayed quietly alone, he might have been able to pass by without meeting anyone, but it was still Kalix who chose to be outside. He thought it would be fine. Even being with other people, Owen and Bertram were people he hadn’t had much contact with before. So he thought it wouldn’t matter.
But it wasn’t so. It wasn’t okay. Maybe it was fine and Kalix just misunderstood, and probably that was actually the case, but still Kalix wasn’t okay. The anxiety doesn’t disappear. No matter how much he wished it would go away, there was no way to escape it.
He knew he was blaming the wrong person. But if you thought about it that way, Kalix had no one to blame. Though he knew Alexander was just trying to help Kalix, Kalix didn’t want to want help. That would be proof that he wanted to keep living.
Even at Kalix’s words that must have sounded accusatory, Alexander showed no sign of being offended or puzzled, just looked at Kalix, then soon moved his stopped steps. He thought Alexander would just pass by him, but instead Alexander lightly kicked Kalix’s toes.
Since he was looking down at his feet, he saw that movement immediately. Only now visible, Alexander’s shoes were dress shoes contrasting with Kalix’s slippers. It was late at night, long after roll call had ended. But before Kalix could continue any thought, Alexander gestured for him to follow.
“I’ll take you somewhere you’ll like.”
When he just stood still even at those words, Alexander simply moved his steps. Kalix just watched that retreating figure. Steps with a longer stride than others, a straight back without hesitation, not looking back. Watching that figure gradually moving away from his sight made him increasingly anxious.
He felt like he shouldn’t let it slip away. Being with Alexander wasn’t always comfortable. But still, Alexander was unique. It was like this every time Alexander showed his back and moved away. Like that day when he had approached without any sign, it seemed like he would just disappear forever like this.
Kalix eventually moved his steps just before Alexander’s figure disappeared from sight and caught up with him. Alexander glanced at Kalix who had come to his side, then soon looked forward again and continued walking. Walking without a word like that, they soon arrived at the very top floor of the dormitory.
But the dormitory rooftop wasn’t open. He wondered why they had come, but Alexander wordlessly took something out of his pocket and pushed it into the gap of the door handle. He thought he was picking the lock again, but Alexander did something and then stepped back from the door.
Then he immediately kicked the door. At the dull thud, he was momentarily startled, but Alexander entered through the opened door as if accustomed to it, holding the door open for Kalix to enter.
“Is this okay?”
“It’s fine since it’s the weekend.”
“No, I mean the noise.”
The rooftop was off-limits, so how did they get in—did he pick the lock, or did he just break it? There were many things to ask, but Alexander looked at Kalix while still holding the door. Eventually just going inside, Alexander stepped aside to let Kalix enter, then soon closed the door.
Since it was his first time on the rooftop, he stood still somewhat bewildered when Alexander familiarly brought a chair from somewhere. Then he placed his jacket on the chair. Only now did he have the presence of mind to check Alexander’s attire—he seemed to have returned from going out.
But it was just a shirt without a tie, so it wasn’t particularly formal dress. Besides the clothes, his hair was also subtly disheveled. As if noticing Kalix’s gaze, Alexander leaned back against the railing and ran his hand through his hair. The ends of his hair were damp.
“Standing is fine, but don’t come over here.”
From the casual way he spoke, despite being the one who brought Kalix to the rooftop, he seemed to be restricting Kalix now. That was reasonable enough. But anyway, they both knew that falling from here wouldn’t be enough to die unless you were unlucky.
“Don’t even think about coming up here alone.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
