It wasn’t meant as talking about common topics with mutual acquaintances, but asking if he wanted to become gossip material. Alexander said it nonchalantly and continued:
“You’re going to the temple.”
“Everyone goes.”
All freshmen, every year, always went to the temple. Alexander would have been the same when he was a freshman.
“We’re going mountain climbing, but isn’t that better than that?”
“It was voted on.”
“Who votes for mountain climbing? It’s just tradition. The first semester after choosing a department is always mountain climbing. Only our department is like that though.”
Though he already knew Alexander was in the Military Studies department through the morning training he always went to, he naturally had no idea such a tradition existed. The Academy taught a common preparatory course for two years, then students lived in their chosen departments for the following three years.
But this was Kalix’s first time actually attending the Academy, and even before, both times his body was stolen had ended during the preparatory period. So he didn’t properly know the minor details of the main departments.
“At least with the temple, you can slip out in the middle if you make a little effort. With mountain climbing, you absolutely can’t escape.”
Hearing that reminded him of Owen and Bertram talking about ways to slip out of the temple. It seemed Curtis, Owen’s brother, wasn’t the only one who had slipped out in the middle. Moreover, Alexander seemed to have looked into escaping this time too if possible, but gave up. If he had known a way to escape, he definitely would have.
“I don’t remember the exact direction, but if you go up to the fourth floor from the main building in the direction where you can see the clock tower, the room where you can see the clock tower is probably at the very end. There’s a storage room there. If you secretly hide some apprentice priest robes somewhere in there, then during personal prayer time ask to be assigned to the second-floor prayer room, it’s easy to get outside. Prayer room assignments are first-come-first-served, so write your name on the list as soon as you enter.”
Though he had no intention of doing so, it sounded quite systematic. Alexander glanced around. He didn’t know why he was looking around now. If he was going to check, he should have checked before talking about escaping.
“If you wear the apprentice priest robes and go out saying it’s for ceremonial purposes, you can buy alcohol.”
“Isn’t that sacrilege?”
To the reflexive question, Alexander answered calmly:
“Why would it be? God would be happy that I enjoyed myself with the temple’s help. Return the priest robes during meal time.”
Kalix hadn’t been particularly devout originally. He only went to the temple when his family pushed him to go. Moreover, now he had doubts added on top. In his opinion, Kalix had never committed a sin that would require having his body stolen by someone else. He couldn’t say he had lived perfectly virtuously, but except for unintentional accidents, he had never deliberately done wrong.
So he couldn’t understand what had happened to him at all, and if it was God’s will, he thought it would be better if God didn’t exist. If God had toyed with innocent Kalix like this, who knows what else might be done, assuming God existed.
That being said, even to Kalix’s ears, Alexander’s statement really had aspects of interpreting everything to suit himself.
“Didn’t you get caught?”
“I didn’t get caught.”
The answer came cleanly when he asked without any intention of particularly questioning the degree of faithfulness.
“It’s a method passed down through generations.”
He looked confident, as if it really was true.
“Why don’t you get caught? Don’t the shop owners recognize your face?”
Moreover, if it had been done for generations, it seemed like everyone would be careful during the times students came.
“They get so many tours and educational visits from here and there that they can’t remember everyone individually. Since it’s that kind of place originally, that’s why they’re open to us too.”
Talking with Alexander made him feel like he had become normal. Even though Alexander had heard all the strange things Kalix said, even knowing he wanted to die, he always treated him as if nothing was wrong. He always told the same stories he would tell other friends, never looking at Kalix as if he were strange, nor being overly considerate. Alexander was just like that.
Appropriate interest, appropriate indifference. Perhaps most people might be like that, but Alexander remained the same even knowing Kalix’s story. So talking with Alexander really made him feel like he had become normal. It felt like Kalix could just live like everyone else.
“Do you know any places where there aren’t people? At the temple. Places where I wouldn’t meet other people.”
It felt like he could live like this. Not die, just somehow keep living. It’s not that Kalix wanted to die. But it would be better to die than live with what was his stolen by someone else. Still, maybe it really was over. Anyway, even if all those things happened, nothing actually happened.
Then if he was just careful from now on, maybe he could live like this. Maybe that really could be the case. Everything was over, his body was literally his own body, and the things he was holding onto were things that never even happened.
“I don’t know the temple well either.”
The dawn conversation he had with Alexander—Kalix wanted its content to actually come true more than anyone. Not doing what he didn’t want to do, the reasons for wanting to die disappearing, not becoming the person he didn’t want to become, and maybe even if bad things occasionally came to mind, the times they surfaced becoming less frequent, and getting better like that.
“Should we go on the weekend?”
He wanted to get better. Like other people, he wanted to become that normal. He wanted to be able to naturally recognize what was natural. Like before. Like Alexander.
“I’ll let you know.”
Alexander answered like that, then suddenly looked at Kalix. Kalix couldn’t know how he appeared to Alexander right now. He was constantly anxious. The longer this period of living like this continued, the more anxiety would sometimes well up. Why am I still alive? It feels like this shouldn’t be happening.
But when he was like now, attending classes like other people around him, talking with the person next to him, occasionally encountering Alexander, this felt like daily life. The daily life he should rightfully enjoy, that should have been like this from the beginning.
That—do I have to lose it again? This time, by my own will?
“But wouldn’t it be better to be with friends? If you’re worried about meeting someone, it would be better to be with friends. Anyway, then it’s hard for people to approach you unnecessarily.”
No matter how undevout Alexander seemed, he couldn’t bring himself to say that he had slept with a priest at that temple. Moreover, that priest had particularly questionable aspects. For now, would it be okay if he didn’t meet him? Besides, he hadn’t even had his coming-of-age ceremony yet, so it should be fine. Probably.
“Are you sleeping a bit these days?”
At that sudden question, Kalix hesitated a little, then nodded.
“Yeah.”
Since whenever Alexander asked Kalix about such things until now, he always said why do you care about that or ignored him, giving just that short answer was somehow embarrassing.
“That’s good.”
Alexander smiled faintly with that answer, then gestured as if telling him to go in. Kalix exchanged eye greetings and started walking, then when he had walked a few steps, suddenly turned around. Somehow his eyes met Alexander’s directly.
“Sleep well.”
Though it was just an ordinary greeting, that ordinariness felt unfamiliar.
* * *
Actually, he already knew places at the temple where people didn’t go. He had done things there quite a few times. But the place Alexander found out about was somewhere he didn’t remember visiting even when retracing his memories. So it would have been fine to go there during free time, but Kalix simply chose to stay with Owen and Bertram.
Maybe Alexander was right. Rather, if he stayed with other people, it would be hard for anyone to approach. But no matter how much it was a space where he wouldn’t meet other people, if someone happened to enter an isolated space, it would be a big problem. Whether it was someone expected or someone unexpected, it would be problematic.
Since Lionel was the one responsible for guiding students around the temple, his nerves were already worn thin. If unexpected incidents were added on top of this, he didn’t have confidence he could keep enduring.
“Bert, why on earth did you bring up alcohol?”
Moreover, listening to Owen and Bertram’s voices was calming in its own way. It reminded him that then and now were clearly different. Back then, Hugo and Jasper were beside him. Moreover, Hugo had given Kalix information about Lionel. But now was different.
Of course, Lionel guiding the temple tour was the same, but it was still different. There was no Hugo or Jasper beside him. What was there were Owen, speaking in a hushed voice full of disappointment, and Bertram listening to him.
“You got people’s hopes up and then turned out to be so devout.”
Owen and Bertram had been talking for days before coming to the temple, saying they heard there was definitely a way to escape. But when they actually arrived at the temple, Bertram dutifully toured the temple and listened to explanations. Kalix didn’t care either way, but Owen seemed astounded by Bertram’s behavior.
“Are you perhaps a heretic?”
Bertram, who had been planning escape routes with Owen but bought holy water from the gift shop as soon as break time came, sprinkled the holy water on Owen.
“You said you don’t know how to get out anyway.”
“That’s true. You had all your fun but I can’t?”
Owen had even written a letter to his brother asking how to sneak out to have fun, only to receive an answer telling him to study hard instead.
“Until coming to the temple, I was thinking about having some fun somehow, but once I actually came, it felt so sacred that I felt like I shouldn’t do that. Don’t you guys feel that way too?”
At Bertram’s question, Owen openly showed he didn’t feel that way, and Kalix didn’t particularly agree either. There were gift shops on every floor to begin with, so it felt more like a tourist destination than sacred. But this was also Kalix’s first time touring the temple in such detail.
What he had always seen was the temple in his hometown, which wasn’t as splendid as this place. It wasn’t his first time at this temple, but when he had visited before, rather than looking at the exterior, building style, or garden like this, he had at most snuck into one room and done immoral things. Perhaps because of that, the place from back then and where he was now felt like different places.
Kalix let Owen and Bertram’s voices exchanging whatever they were talking about drift past while carefully examining the garden. Then suddenly, at the end of his gaze, he caught sight of Lionel watching the students.
Of course, everyone was bothersome, but Lionel had particularly unpleasant aspects. The person who had possessed Kalix’s body acted as if everything was a process to drag people to bed. Rather than treating people as people, it was like acting according to strategy. He did the same with Lionel. The first time, he definitely did.
But the second time was different. For some reason, before the coming-of-age ceremony, he could only sleep with Jasper. Whether because of that or what, the second time he went to the temple every single day. At first watching Lionel from afar, then one day talking to him. He continued like that until the coming-of-age ceremony.
It was quite different from touching many people while pursuing efficiency and only taking effective actions. Even though he had a record of conquering him once and could just do the same, until the coming-of-age ceremony he came to meet Lionel without even sleeping with Jasper.
Then after finishing the coming-of-age ceremony, he slept with Lionel for the first time. After that it was the same. Touching Jasper, sleeping with Marcel, and Cyrus during vacation. But in between all of that was always Lionel. That was suspicious. Even though he wasn’t focusing on one person anyway, even though he touched all sorts of people, even though he wasn’t taking responsibility for any of them, yet acting as if he liked him.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
