“You know too. It’s not something I can agree to lightly.”
Iberis said self-deprecatingly in a weak voice. Brenda’s face hardened as she realized the meaning behind his words.
“The Captain knows I’m terminally ill. Yet he still confessed that he likes me.”
“…”
“If I were the Captain, even if I realized my feelings… it wouldn’t have been easy to express them. In that sense, I think he’s really amazing.”
Lucas is different from a coward like me. Iberis genuinely admired his courage. That’s why he felt even more sorry. He knew the pain of losing someone precious.
When he lost his mother, his only family; when the doctor he thought was a trustworthy adult suddenly passed away; when he couldn’t protect his team members whom he considered real comrades unlike other soldiers he had met before…
The sense of loss from losing loved ones in vain remained an unhealed wound that tormented Iberis every moment, even as time passed.
So he felt grateful and sorry. Seeing how much Lucas must have agonized before admitting he liked him, knowing how much courage it must have taken to speak up despite the anxiety of not knowing when farewell might come, Iberis couldn’t wholeheartedly accept his confession, nor could he coldly reject it.
‘What use are principles when a person’s life is at stake?’
‘If I don’t guide you now, Major, you will definitely die.’
‘I’m sorry, but I can’t watch you die.’
‘Because I want you to live.’
Iberis belatedly understood the desperation Lucas had shown when he broke the principles he had kept for years to save him. And the despair and sadness he must have felt.
“Sigh.”
Iberis, feeling heavy-hearted, let out a small sigh. Thinking back to that day, he felt regretful for what he had done to Lucas. At the moment when he thought he could finally be free from all pain, Lucas must have been gripped by the fear of possibly losing the person he had come to cherish right before his eyes.
“It’s not like the situation improves if I date Luke… Meeting him just for my own sake is too shameless and selfish, isn’t it?”
Iberis’s face clouded as he tried to gauge the fear Lucas must have felt. What does it feel like to like someone who is likely to leave your side? Would it truly be happy to live in constant anxiety, not knowing when you might part with your partner?
Of course not.
Iberis sighed again after answering his own question internally. If Lucas truly liked him, it might be better to cut it off here before his feelings grew deeper. No, that was the right thing to do.
Having experienced losing precious people, knowing the pain of living in a world where they’re gone, Iberis didn’t want his guide to experience the same pain of loss.
“Major…”
Brenda, at a loss for words, fidgeted with her lips. She finally understood what Iberis was worried about. He was concerned about Lucas, who would be left alone after losing a loved one. But that also meant…
“The Major I know is someone who says something isn’t right if it isn’t.”
“Huh?”
“The fact that you’re agonizing like this is unlike you, Major. If you’ve been unable to make a decision for days to the point of asking me for advice… Isn’t that proof that you’re already wavering towards the Captain?”
“Ah.”
His small lips parted at the sharp question. Iberis lowered his eyes like someone who had been hit right on the mark.
“…I think you’re right.”
After a moment of silence, Iberis weakly affirmed Brenda’s words. How could he not be tempted? He bit his lower lip and clutched at the innocent blanket.
To Iberis, Lucas was like a warm spring. The only existence that could make him feel warm, the person who showed him that there are seasons other than winter. It would be stranger not to be drawn to such a person.
That’s why he had to be all the more wary of himself. Iberis didn’t want to see someone break because of his selfishness.
“Do you think the intelligent Captain doesn’t know the risks of dating you, Major? Yet he still confessed, right? That means he’s willing to accept whatever situation may arise.”
You could think of yourself first for once. Brenda pursed her lips, feeling upset at Iberis’s attitude.
“…Could that be?”
“Of course! From my perspective, instead of running away out of fear of… uncertain unhappiness that might come in the future, he chose present happiness.”
Brenda deliberately emphasized the word ‘uncertain’ as she spoke. Just imagining Iberis dying made her feel like her blood was rushing backwards.
“Present happiness…”
Iberis muttered with a complicated expression as he mulled over her words. It felt strange to think that he could be a source of joy for Lucas.
“I wish you would focus only on your feelings, like Captain Illum did, without thinking about anything else, Major.”
“My feelings for Luke…?”
“Yes. You don’t dislike him, right?”
Feeling that some clarification was needed at this point, Brenda asked directly. For Iberis, throwing a fastball was more effective than beating around the bush.
“Of course not. Why would I dislike the Captain?”
Iberis reacted as if he had heard something absurd and let out a low hum. Then he slowly opened his mouth.
“He can be a bit arrogant, and sometimes I wonder if he lacks shame… but I’m always grateful to Luke. If it weren’t for the Captain, I’d still be suffering from aftereffects, right? This time too, I barely survived thanks to his guiding.”
Iberis smiled faintly, looking a bit embarrassed. Living as a soldier, he had often thought he might die, but this was the first time he felt it so vividly. Lucas had forcibly pulled him back from the brink of death. He was truly a lifesaver.
“That’s right, it was really dangerous this time. Do you know how shocked I was?”
“I’m sorry…”
Iberis hung his head like a criminal at Brenda’s reproach. He felt too ashamed to face her.
“Anyway, Captain Illum is the excellent guide who saved you by the scruff of your neck when you were dying. He’s also a doctor called a genius. So why don’t you try trusting him a bit more?”
After finishing her words, Brenda gently placed her hand on top of Iberis’s. In the past, touching him would have felt like stabbing her palm with an awl, but not anymore.
Iberis’s hand was still ice-cold, but it wasn’t as difficult to touch him as before. Being able to have even this brief physical contact was all thanks to Lucas.
Brenda, who felt the changes Lucas had made more than anyone, trusted him. She believed he would surely free Iberis from his terminal condition.
“…Trust the Captain?”
“Yes. What worries you most is that the Captain might become unhappy because of you, right? But I don’t think he’ll let you die. For his own happiness, if nothing else.”
“Hmm.”
Iberis bit his lip, feeling the warmth of her hand gripping his as if to encourage him. His heart stirred at Brenda’s words, which accurately pointed out why he was hesitating.
“So, Major, try trusting the Captain’s abilities too. Honestly, you know better than I do. You’ve experienced it firsthand.”
“…”
“I’d like you to think about whether you’d be happy with him or not, instead of worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.”
“…Thank you, I’ll think about it a bit more as you said.”
Iberis smiled, his eyes crinkling, and thanked Brenda. The worry that had been troubling him for the past few days wasn’t completely resolved, but he felt a little more at ease.
“It’s nothing. Oh, and, ahem, if you’re not sure about your own feelings… just enjoy the present until you’re certain.”
“Enjoy it?”
“Yes. It’s only been a few days since you received the confession, right? It seems the Captain isn’t rushing you for an answer either… If you don’t feel averse to becoming lovers with him, I think you can just act according to how your heart moves while spending time together as usual.”
“Isn’t it cruel to keep postponing the answer to his confession while going on as before? It feels like I’m doing something terrible to the Captain… Wouldn’t it be better if I made a decision as soon as possible?”
“Come on, from the Captain’s perspective, you seriously considering it like this is probably more welcome than flatly rejecting his confession. And you might regret it later if you make a hasty decision, Major.”
Brenda actively expressed her opinion. Unlike Lucas, who had realized and fully accepted his feelings, Iberis was only at the stage of having a favorable impression.
Moreover, he was pessimistic about the future due to his special circumstances of being terminally ill. If left like this, he would surely reject Lucas under the pretext of doing it for his sake.
Brenda, hoping for the two to work out, had to prevent Iberis from making a hasty decision. The rest could be solved by time and Lucas.
“Is that so…?”
“That’s what I’m saying!”
“Okay, I got it. Though I’m not sure if I can really enjoy it…”
“You’ve made a good decision.”
With this much spoon-feeding, the Captain should be able to win the Major over on his own. Brenda smiled with a satisfied expression. In her opinion, what the two needed was time for Iberis’s favorable impression of Lucas to develop into affection. She had bought them that time, so the rest was up to Lucas.
“You’ll see. Both of you will thank me later.”
Brenda confidently assured Iberis, who was tilting his head and wondering if this was really okay.
