“Yeah, it wasn’t that I disliked it. Anything Siwoo gives me is good. The big golden retriever, the vibrant and fragrant red bouquet, none of it was something I disliked. What I disliked was not that.
***
The sky in England was gloomy. Sometimes it was very clear and warm, and at other times it took on a dull, colorless hue as if it had never been clear at all. Today, the weather was not good, and I had planned not to go out. Sanho looked out at their garden beyond the large window. I wondered if it might rain. Even if it wasn’t a torrential downpour, I thought there might be a chilly drizzle.
Suddenly, I remembered that the ingredients stored in the shed were running low. Siwoo and Sanho sometimes enjoyed eating out, but generally, they cooked for themselves. Of course, it was Sanho who did the cooking, not Siwoo. As Sanho pondered over dinner, he seemed to make a decision and stood up. It would be good to buy some simple bread and meat. It would be even better if I could pair it with Siwoo’s favorite wine.
“……”
Glancing at the clock on the wall, I saw that there was still some time before dinner. Sanho slipped his arms into Siwoo’s large cardigan that he had draped over the sofa. The soft earthy scent wrapped around him warmly.
As is often the case in small neighborhoods, the town was not far away. In fact, it was rather small to be called a town. It might be better to say it was the place where the largest market and shops in the vicinity were concentrated. Just as Sanho was thinking he should first buy wine and then stop by the bakery, his steps suddenly came to a halt. A small flower shop across the street caught his eye, something he would have never noticed on a normal day.
Today, the golden retriever was sitting quietly in front of the flower shop. The gloomy weather seemed to have made Buddy, the retriever, a bit downcast as well. Instead of lying lazily, he sat upright with his back straight. His face, which usually looked like it was smiling broadly, appeared a bit glum today. However, what caught Sanho’s attention was not the downcast Buddy. A familiar shadow stood beyond the large glass window, which had the shop’s name written on it in vinyl. It was a person with a tall stature and straight shoulders, wearing a ring of the same design as his.
“Senior?”
Sanho squinted slightly, as if trying to focus. Although the distance wasn’t far, there were several pots inside the flower shop, and the green leaves obscured his view here and there. The person talking to Siwoo was also hidden behind a large leaf, making it hard to see. Nevertheless, Sanho could guess who the person was that Siwoo was smiling at, even if he couldn’t see them clearly.
“……”
Sanho could see Siwoo leaning in to listen carefully to the other person’s words. He nodded slightly and smiled again. As if trying to retrieve something, the person hidden behind the large plant finally revealed themselves. It was indeed that woman.
A whimpering sound came from Buddy. It seemed he had spotted Sanho across the street. The previously gloomy expression on Buddy’s face brightened instantly. As if he was about to dash across the street, Buddy stood up, and Sanho looked around with a somewhat flustered expression. It was a narrow road where cars hardly passed. Still, it was dangerous. Unconsciously, Sanho shook his head at Buddy. Before Buddy could cross over, he decided to cross the street first and approach him.
“You.”
Kruung, sniff, sniff.
“It’s dangerous to cross the street recklessly.”
Buddy brought his face close to Sanho, who was bent over, and sniffed. Soon after, he barked, “Woof!” It was a joyful greeting! We meet again! Buddy’s face, sticking out his tongue and sniffing, was bright.
“Yeah. I’m happy to see you too.”
Sanho gently scratched behind Buddy’s ears.
“But I’m not happy. I didn’t want to see you again, actually.”
Buddy, who couldn’t understand Sanho’s words, kept rubbing his moist nose against Sanho’s palm. Ding, the sound of a bell rang. Sanho slowly lifted his head.
“…Sanho?”
Someone must have thought that hearing Buddy bark would prompt them to look out onto the street. He never thought it would be Siwoo. Siwoo, holding a small pot in one hand, opened the glass door and looked at Sanho with a somewhat surprised expression.
“Oh my!”
Then, a blonde woman suddenly leaned out from the flower shop. She sent a startled glance over Siwoo’s shoulder. It was clear she also thought she wouldn’t run into Sanho again. As Sanho slowly straightened up, Buddy rubbed his cheek against Sanho’s leg, just like before.
“Where were you headed? I was just about to contact you…”
“Senior.”
Sanho suddenly grabbed Siwoo’s empty wrist. The look in Siwoo’s eyes, which met Sanho’s gaze, seemed surprised at first glance, but Sanho knew it was not surprise but rather embarrassment. He didn’t like that awkward look. Embarrassed? Why? Why was he embarrassed?
“Why are you here so early? You said you would come just in time for dinner.”
“Ah.”
Siwoo wrinkled his nose slightly and smiled as if to explain.
“One appointment got canceled. Because of that, tomorrow—”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
His voice had a sharp edge. Siwoo tilted his head slightly and looked at Sanho neatly. A very brief, yet long-feeling silence followed. Suddenly, Buddy barked loudly. Fortunately, when Siwoo turned his gaze back, the woman standing behind him hurriedly stepped forward. She calmed Buddy and cautiously glanced back and forth between Siwoo and Sanho.
“Ally, I’ll be going now.”
The woman murmured a short “Ah…” and nodded. Siwoo slightly nodded back and wrapped his arm around Sanho’s shoulder. He wanted to say something, but he held back.
He couldn’t buy the wine, the bread, or the meat he had planned to get. Walking side by side down the small road under the darkening sky, Siwoo lowered the hand that had been around Sanho’s shoulder and intertwined his fingers with Sanho’s. It was only when they were almost home that Siwoo finally opened his mouth after keeping it shut for a while.
“The car broke down.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah. The car broke down suddenly on the roadside. It’s an engine problem. Ah, don’t worry. I’m not hurt.”
Siwoo had chosen the cream-colored car solely because Sanho said it was “pretty.” It was a classic car that was difficult to maintain and often broke down. Sanho had said he didn’t care about cars, but Siwoo shook his head with a smile. He told Sanho that he liked it because it was pretty in his eyes. Nevertheless, it was true that the car required a lot of attention. That was the reason for its frequent minor issues. Sometimes, like today, it would stop suddenly without warning.
“So I canceled the last appointment. I thought it would be cumbersome to move around.”
“……”
“But it’s okay. I like walking like this sometimes. It would have been better if the weather was nice.”
Sanho tilted his head slightly to look at Siwoo.
“Baek Sanho. Aren’t you going to say why you’re angry?”
“……”
“You’ve been angry for a while now.”
“I told you I’m not.”
“We promised not to lie, remember?”
Sanho stopped walking abruptly. He looked at Siwoo with eyes that held a hint of resentment.
“I’m not angry.”
“No.”
“I’m just uncomfortable.”
Siwoo tilted his head slightly and frowned.
“It’s not that you’re uncomfortable, it’s just. It’s just that the other gazes sticking to you are uncomfortable.”
Siwoo’s eyebrows raised slightly. What… Sanho looked at Siwoo’s face and bit his lip. Siwoo also walked silently. After passing through a small garden and opening the front door of their house, Siwoo set the small pot down and grabbed Sanho’s shoulders. Turning Sanho to face him, Siwoo gazed at Sanho’s face and spoke.
“Sanho.”
“……”
“Someone. Someone is looking at me.”
“……”
Sanho still kept his mouth tightly shut. It wasn’t that there was another reason. He wasn’t worried about appearing narrow-minded or afraid of being unnecessarily hurt.
He just simply disliked it. Even if it was just for that brief moment of hearing something that would come up in conversation, he disliked that Siwoo’s attention was diverted elsewhere.
Siwoo gently pressed his lips against Sanho’s forehead. It was a light kiss that made no sound. Siwoo gazed at Sanho with his eyes slightly squinted.
“Baek Sanho, you’re greedy.”
It was a playful voice. Then he kissed him once more.
“I have a lot, but it seems I’m not enough to satisfy my greedy partner.”
“That’s not it…!”
Siwoo smiled broadly. It was a comforting smile, but a surge of resentment poured out. Sanho frowned slightly and opened his mouth.
“Why is this greed?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t like sharing you with other people’s gazes. Why is it greed to not want to share what I like and love?”
How can I share that? Siwoo blinked a couple of times. As if he couldn’t find an answer, he looked at Sanho for a moment before slowly pulling up the corners of his mouth to smile.
“Yeah. It’s not greed. I’m sorry, I misspoke.”
“……”
“You can dislike it.”
Sanho glanced down slightly. As if to scold his averted gaze, Siwoo grabbed Sanho’s chin and gently lifted it. Then he kissed him again.
“But we can’t always just do good things.”
“……”
“I don’t like it either. Other people looking at you, circling around our house under the pretense of walking the dog because they want to see you, blushing when they see you, liking you.”
Sanho opened his eyes wide. Siwoo let out a sound of discomfort and hugged Sanho tightly. He held him so tightly that he could hardly breathe, then began to gently stroke Sanho’s back.
“It makes me really angry when a really pretty girl likes you. I get jealous. I boil inside.”
“Excuse me?”
Sanho twisted his body as if trying to look at Siwoo’s face. But Siwoo tightened his arms around Sanho, trapping him in his embrace. As he continued to stroke Sanho’s back, he opened his mouth again.
“If you show me your face now, it’s cheating. I might really lock you up more severely than you did, Sanho.”
A soft laugh that resonated like a hum echoed in Sanho’s ear. Sanho, who had been flinching as if trying to escape from Siwoo’s embrace, soon stopped moving. Instead, he raised his hands and wrapped them around Siwoo’s back.
“I hope that happens.”
When Sanho murmured in a small voice, Siwoo burst into laughter. Sanho murmured again in a small voice.
“But we can’t always just do good things.”
Ugh, Siwoo let out another sound of discomfort and hugged Sanho tightly as if to crush him. I want to devour you, my partner. It was a voice that was quite ticklish.
***
Ally moved to this area near London about two years ago. Originally helping her grandparents run a flower shop in Notting Hill, she had always dreamed of having her own flower shop one day. Her grandparents, who had taken care of her after her parents passed away in an accident, always supported Ally’s dream, and eventually, with their help, she was able to set up a small flower shop here in London.
As with all things, running a flower shop was a demanding task. Flowers, like ingredients, required freshness, and delicate handling was necessary. Moreover, physical labor was essential. There were moments when it was overwhelming to manage everything alone without help, but for the most part, it was enjoyable. Even if her body was tired, she felt very happy to be able to do what she loved.
That day was the day when Ally’s favorite flower, the perennial flower, which her grandparents also loved, arrived. It was difficult to find space inside the cramped flower shop, so she filled a large bucket outside with flowers. Sometimes, passersby walking down the street would be drawn to the simplicity of the wildflowers and buy a bunch. That day was no different. An elderly couple, about the same age as her grandparents, left with a bunch of perennial flowers accompanied by roses. Ally looked at the white wildflowers in the bucket with great joy.
“Ah.”
Having bent over for a long time, her body felt stiff. Just as she was about to stretch her back, she almost bumped into someone walking down the narrow street.
“Oh, I’m sorry….”
