Chapter 20
After Serzel left, Del remained lost in thought for a long time. Lately, he had been sinking into deep contemplation so intensely that he didn’t even notice his surroundings. Ethan sat across from him. When Ethan saw Del biting his lower lip, he reached out and pulled his lip free. Only then did Del look at him blankly.
“Are you trying to draw blood again? What are you thinking about so hard?”
“How to avoid the eyes.”
“Eyes?”
“They’ve been too focused on me lately. I’m honestly worried they might have found out.”
This was something Ethan hadn’t noticed. Or—had Del just told him this for the first time? The Emperor’s secret orders had been frequent lately, and Del had been leaving the mansion often, but Ethan didn’t understand how that connected to being watched. After the Ideale rebellion, the atmosphere in various regions had been restless, so it was inevitable that Del’s “travels” would increase. In times like these, it was necessary to show off powerful cards.
What was unclear was Del’s attitude. He spoke as if the Emperor had been watching him for a very long time. Yet, he had just shown Ethan the deal he made with Serzel, and all of it was new to Ethan.
He felt a little resentful. It had been six years since he took Del’s hand in the desert and came to the capital. Over those six years, Ethan had thought he had become someone irreplaceable to Del. But apparently, Del didn’t see it that way. He only ever talked about trivial things, never sharing anything truly important.
This time was no different. Why was the Emperor watching Del? What deal had he made with the crown prince? These were things Ethan considered very important, yet Del hadn’t told him a single word. If Ethan said he had never felt resentful toward Del, it would be a lie—but the resentment he felt now was on a completely different level.
Does he not trust me? Am I not trustworthy?
All the time he had struggled to become someone Del could rely on, someone essential to him—it felt like it had all been denied. It was miserable to realize Del didn’t trust him. And Del probably had no idea about Ethan’s thoughts or feelings. He was someone who took being alone for granted.
His frustration welled up, and this time, Ethan didn’t suppress it.
“Why is the Emperor watching you?”
“Because of the oath…”
“What deal did you make with His Highness?”
“To weaken or break the oath…”
“So what is that oath?!”
He hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but it burst out. Del’s eyes widened. Ethan rarely got this angry, and he had never directed his anger at Del before.
Del was taken aback and fell silent. Ethan realized he had gone too far and bit his lip hard. When he spoke again, his voice was tightly controlled.
“Ethan?”
“…It’s been six years.”
Six years since he had been by Del’s side. He had thought he knew everything Del knew, everything Del saw. But that was just what he had pieced together himself—Del had never actually told him anything. He had always been putting together puzzle pieces from the fragments Del casually dropped and the situations around him. Del never told Ethan the most important things.
“Am I really that untrustworthy?”
“That’s not—”
“Then why haven’t you told me anything important?”
Del’s eyes were filled with confusion. He genuinely didn’t understand what Ethan was talking about. That was what made Ethan angry—the way Del unconsciously excluded him. Del spoke.
“What have I not told you?”
“Then what have you told me?”
Del couldn’t answer. But his restless eyes were clearly sorting through the things he had told Ethan. Of course, he had said a lot. But those weren’t the things Ethan wanted to hear. The things at the core of Del’s actions. The things he never talked about. Ethan asked again.
“What is that oath?”
Del’s eyes widened. He looked at Ethan as if he couldn’t believe Ethan was asking about the oath. Ethan frowned. Did Del really think he knew? The words that occasionally came up. The actions whose meanings he couldn’t decipher. The keyword that always remained was “oath.” Probably the oath made with the imperial family. But Del had never once explained it to him.
Ethan stopped speaking at Del’s words. The tone was unfamiliar. It sounded like… Del assumed he already knew? But how could he know if Del never told him?
“How am I supposed to know if you never told me?”
“I didn’t tell you?”
Silence fell between them. Ethan felt a cold sweat break out on his back. It was true. Del really thought Ethan already knew. He had no idea he had never told Ethan, and all this time, he had been speaking as if Ethan would naturally understand.
Is he an idiot?
Ethan let out a hollow laugh. He felt wronged and furious, but it was also absurd and ridiculous. That brilliant idiot had a tendency to assume that if he knew something, everyone else did too—but Ethan never expected it to apply to this topic. And for six years, he had never properly asked Del anything. He felt like the biggest idiot of all.
“… “
“…Ethan…?”
“…What?”
“…I didn’t mean to not tell you…”
“…Let’s stop here.”
If they continued this conversation any further, Ethan felt like he would start hating himself. He couldn’t even look at Del, who was at a loss for how to apologize. He was so embarrassed he felt like he might go crazy. He covered his face with his hands and bowed his head. Heat rushed to his ears and the back of his neck. Del hovered around him, trying to see his face, but Ethan didn’t move his hands.
“Are you… mad?”
“…I’m not just mad at you.”
Del, who was usually shamelessly bold, now looked genuinely sorry as he tried to smooth things over, promising to explain everything during this trip. Ethan kept his mouth shut, his face burning with embarrassment. He was so humiliated he could scream. It took a long time for the situation to settle after that.
“…I’m tired.”
“Let’s go home.”
Ethan sighed deeply, feeling the absurdity of six years of misunderstanding. Del, sensing the mood, scurried ahead but tripped. This time, Ethan didn’t have the presence of mind to catch him. But he did manage to stop Del from smashing his forehead into the door as he tried to open it. Even in this situation, Del was busily clumsy.
Suddenly, something occurred to Ethan, and he opened his mouth. Now that he knew Del didn’t hide things from him on purpose, he wanted to ask something he had been curious about.
“Why do you hate His Highness?”
Ethan understood why Serzel disliked Del, but he had his reasons. So why did Del dislike him? He suddenly wondered. So he asked. But Del looked at him with an expression more complicated than Ethan had ever seen.
“Do you like him?”
“Like or dislike isn’t really the issue…”
“I don’t particularly like him either.”
But he didn’t hate him enough to be this hostile. Del, who had been answering easily just moments ago, now bit his lip and couldn’t continue. The silence stretched, and Ethan realized this was genuinely sensitive for Del. If that was the case, he didn’t need to hear it. He was about to say it was fine when Del’s lips parted.
“He doesn’t remember.”
“What?”
Ethan asked again at the answer, but Del couldn’t answer easily. When he spoke again, it wasn’t an answer but another question.
“If someone doesn’t remember a past that only exists in my memory—no, a past that shouldn’t be remembered—is it really their fault?”
Had Serzel done something terribly wrong to Del? Ethan searched his memories. In his recollection, Del and Serzel had first met after Del’s coming-of-age ceremony. From that time on, Ethan had always been by Del’s side, so he was confident he knew most of what had happened between them. Of course, he didn’t know about deals made during meetings like today’s, but perhaps the reason Del avoided Serzel lay in some time Ethan didn’t know about. Del asked again.
“Something that exists only in my memory, something that Serzel doesn’t remember—is it something that never happened to him?”
“If it happened, then it happened.”
Perhaps Serzel had unknowingly done something terribly wrong to Del. Otherwise, Del, who usually didn’t waste energy on disliking people, wouldn’t actively hate him so much. At Ethan’s answer, Del puckered his lips as if to say something, then pressed them into a straight line again. His head tilted.
“Serzel ruined something precious to me.”
“When?”
“Before I even realized it was precious. By the time I realized, it was already lost, and there was nothing I could do.”
Ethan thought for a moment about what Del might have cherished so dearly. Nothing came to mind. Had they met even earlier?
“It’s my fault and his fault for losing it…”
Del had said they first met after his coming-of-age ceremony. From the very beginning, they had treated each other like enemies.
“I remember, but Serzel doesn’t.”
Then maybe it really was nothing. Del questioned whether it was right to hate him for something that existed only in his own memory. He looked terribly confused. But the deep emotion lingering in his green eyes was clearly something that had remained with him all this time.
“That’s why I hate him.”
Perhaps it was a hatred that had lost its way. But the emotion still lingered, creating a negative feeling toward him. Del seemed at a loss for what to do with that emotion. Still, the direction was clear.
“If you hate him so much, why not just avoid him?”
Ethan said it even though he knew it wasn’t possible. Del stared at the door and said:
“It’s fine because he hates me too.”
We’re supposed to despise and loathe each other. Del muttered.
Ethan remembered what Serzel had said earlier. Maybe what the two of them were feeling was a similar emotion.
Discomfort toward feelings they couldn’t control.
An emotion they couldn’t erase because they didn’t understand its cause. Perhaps the discomfort of being unable to control themselves had ultimately turned into mutual hatred.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
