Chapter 56
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“Your Excellency. Does the food not suit your taste?”
When he finally put down his chopsticks after picking at his food, Court Lady Jo approached and carefully asked. Her name was Jo Seong-geum, and she was the head court lady who would be serving Yun-seo.
It was rather burdensome when Court Lady Jo, who was considerably older than him, scrutinized his every reaction and movement. Not just her—he often felt that all the palace staff were watching him with bowed heads, making him feel suffocated.
“It’s not that it doesn’t suit me; I just can’t seem to eat.”
“Then I shall prepare some sweet snacks. You must eat at least a little to keep up your strength.”
Though such conversations had continued endlessly since his entry into the palace, Court Lady Jo never showed any sign of fatigue or displeasure. Well, having served in the palace for decades, she probably considered such matters as trivial as a child’s complaints about side dishes.
“I’ll try to eat more at dinner.”
Though he wanted to eat, if only to honor Court Lady Jo’s sincerity, his appetite had completely vanished knowing that tomorrow was the royal wedding, and he felt like he might get indigestion. With each passing day, a deep and heavy shadow loomed over his head. Just thinking about his future as the empress of the nation made his heart race and brought him to the verge of tears.
The palace servants cleared away the meal. As he stared vacantly at them, Court Lady Jo approached again.
“The weather is quite pleasant. How about a stroll through the rear garden?”
“…”
“You haven’t gone out once since arriving here.”
Was that so? Yun-seo looked out the window with a distant feeling. The clear scenery of the rear garden felt unfamiliar. It seemed like a separate world disconnected from this place, making his body feel even more powerless.
In truth, he didn’t want to do anything, but feeling sorry for making Court Lady Jo constantly read his moods, he forced himself to rise. At this, Court Lady Jo’s face, which always wore a consistent smile, brightened with pleasure.
As they went outside, warm sunlight poured over his eyes. Blinking from the brightness, Yun-seo slowly began to walk.
Birdsong could be heard from somewhere. The outdoor scenery was beautiful and peaceful. Though he still couldn’t feel any particular emotion, breathing in the fresh air seemed to clear his head.
After circling the rear garden, he stood before a pond. Small fish swam with their tail fins swaying gently. They were all plump, suggesting they were well cared for. Their color, a golden-red, was pretty and adorable, prompting Yun-seo to speak without thinking.
“What are these fish called?”
“They are called golden fish.”
“Golden fish… using the gold character?”
“Yes.”
“Fitting.”
“Would you like to try feeding them?”
“Feed them?”
Turning with interest, Court Lady Jo had a palace servant quickly bring some feed. Yun-seo received the sesame oil cake, tore off small pieces, and tossed them into the pond. The golden fish immediately swarmed, opening and closing their mouths. Finding this fascinating and amusing, Yun-seo’s lips naturally curved into a smile.
“Please sit comfortably while feeding them.”
Yun-seo sat on the chair that Court Lady Jo had prepared and fed the fish. Having found enjoyment in breaking off pieces of sesame cake, he had been sprinkling them over the pond for quite some time when he suddenly looked up.
“But if I feed them this much, won’t they get sick?”
“This amount should be fine. I only worry that these creatures might not forget the noble one who allowed them to feast so well after so long.”
Could fish remember his face? Though it was likely a subtle discouragement, Court Lady Jo’s idea amused him, making him laugh.
Yun-seo’s smile suddenly faded as he withdrew his hand from feeding. It seemed strange that he was laughing so naturally when just a little while ago, he couldn’t eat properly and didn’t want to do anything. Feeling tears about to burst forth unexpectedly, he blinked rapidly and fidgeted endlessly with the bowl containing the sesame cake.
How much time had passed? By the time his tear ducts had completely dried, the fish that had gathered had dispersed, and a gentle breeze rustled his sleeves. As he returned the sesame cake to Court Lady Jo, he heard a palace servant approaching from behind.
What passed from the servant’s hands to Court Lady Jo was rice cake. Though rice cakes were generally similar, the familiar shape caught his eye.
“It’s chestnut rice cake, Your Excellency.”
“Ah…”
“Your personal attendant mentioned that you were fond of this chestnut rice cake.”
“Yeondeok did?”
“Yes. So we asked your household for the recipe and made it. Please try it and see how it tastes.”
Yeondeok was separately undergoing training to serve in the palace. Yun-seo was always worried whether the training was too harsh and if he was adapting well. On the first day, Court Lady Jo had told him that Yeondeok was doing well, but still…
“He also tried it and said the taste was similar, which pleased him.”
Court Lady Jo added, seemingly having noticed Yun-seo’s concern. Only then did Yun-seo pick up a piece of chestnut rice cake and put it in his mouth. As he chewed slowly, the plain yet sweet taste spreading inside was so familiar that he couldn’t help but exclaim in delight.
It tasted truly good. The familiar flavor evoked nostalgia. Come to think of it, there were things he had enjoyed even in that prison-like house.
From Yeondeok, who had always been by his side, to this chestnut rice cake that had satisfied his hunger, the wildflowers growing diagonally in the middle of the wall, the black dog that would sneak in before the servants could catch it and beg for food, the quiet of a certain afternoon…
Is that so? Would he eventually find things to like in this place as well? Holding the chestnut rice cake he had barely bitten into, Yun-seo looked around the rear garden anew and moved his lips.
There was something he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t easily bring it up. However, emotions that had pooled like pus were bound to burst at the slightest touch.
“Did His Majesty… command it?”
He wondered if the Emperor cared about him even a little, if any word from him had accompanied this chestnut rice cake on its way to him, and self-loathing surged at his pitiful curiosity. The contradiction between wanting to hear and not wanting to hear collided weakly.
“His heart is always directed toward this place.”
Court Lady Jo’s affirmation stirred up indescribable emotions. It wasn’t joy, nor was it sorrow. Not wanting to reveal this conflict and these thoughts, he carefully controlled his expression and grasped his robe when Court Lady Jo continued.
“But the hearts of all those here also care for you, Your Excellency.”
Court Lady Jo valued principles and was strict, but on the other hand, she was also this kind. Yun-seo turned his head to take in the palace attendants standing guard behind him.
“In the palace… I’ve heard that the fate of the palace servants depends on their master.”
He knew that if he failed, it could harm the palace attendants. And not just them. Under the empress were countless subjects. He wasn’t confident that he could do well. How could he navigate this path with such an unstable and wavering heart?
He was simply terrified of suddenly being elevated to the position of empress. Several times a day, he wanted to run away, to recklessly seek out Hwi, grab him by the collar, and vent his frustrations.
At that moment, his hand holding the chestnut rice cake dropped.
“Just as family members who share meals together share joys and sorrows, isn’t it the same for us?”
The voice, which had become even softer and more benevolent, entered Yun-seo’s troubled heart and scattered his thoughts. Family. Family. Yun-seo looked around at the faces of the palace attendants who would be with him even after he ascended to the position of empress and moved to the palace.
“Your Excellency. This palace is vast and sometimes treacherous, making it difficult to truly like from the bottom of one’s heart. But this place is also where people live, so where there is sorrow, there is joy; where there is grief, there is also pleasure. We wish to be those who share these things with you.”
He noticed the young palace attendants standing at the far end. Despite being so small and young, they were fulfilling their duties in their positions. Suddenly, he wondered how they felt seeing the leftovers of his meals each time.
He wasn’t sure what the palace attendants thought about the postponement of his entry into the palace. If they knew about his escape attempt, he couldn’t face them, but if he harbored shame, wouldn’t they harbor anxiety?
Yun-seo looked down at the half-eaten chestnut rice cake. As he put it in his mouth and chewed thoroughly, he reminded himself of the reality from which he had extracted his emotions and thoughts.
He could no longer return or escape again. There were people who looked to him and stood by his side. Whatever the case, this imperial palace was where he was now.
So he couldn’t just sit there and complain like a child forever. At the very least… if nothing else, he had to fulfill the duty that had been given to him. Otherwise, all his struggles up to this point, all the twists and turns to reach this place, would be in vain, and he didn’t want to make his life such a futile speck of dust.
As soon as what was in his mouth disappeared, he picked up another rice cake and ate it. With a calm, composed face, Yun-seo stared at the unchangingly peaceful scenery of the rear garden and finally emptied the bowl.
*Chingyeom: 親傔. A servant who serves their master closely. National Institute of Korean Language, Standard Korean Dictionary.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
