“Different than you thought?” But that was all he said—no follow-up, no explanation.
“Huh?”
When Kalix finally pressed for an answer, Alexander responded at last.
“Just… different from what I expected.”
“In a bad way?”
Kalix’s chest tightened. He had thought it was good. More than good—amazing. But apparently, Alexander hadn’t felt the same. Even though he’d come, even though Kalix had been sure he’d enjoyed it… maybe it hadn’t been enough. Or maybe it had been something else entirely.
“Not necessarily bad. Just… different.”
“Different in a bad way?”
This time, silence.
Kalix rushed to fill it. “I’ll fix it. Whatever it is, I’ll fix it.”
The truth stung, but he wanted to try. No one got everything right the first time. And since this had been Alexander’s first time with him, maybe they just needed to adjust together. That’s what partners were supposed to do, right?
“I can fix all of it.”
Still, a heavy weight settled in his stomach. Not because he’d failed, but because he hadn’t noticed—hadn’t realized Alexander hadn’t been as into it as he’d thought. He wanted to know everything about Alexander. Wanted to be the first to sense every shift in his mood, the way Alexander always seemed to with him.
“And I think I’ll do better than yesterday.”
He would. Yesterday had been chaotic—no preparation, no forethought. But now? His body and mind were ready. He wanted to learn, wanted to make it so good for Alexander that he’d never doubt again.
“I see.”
The reply was vague. Noncommittal.
“Did you… not like it?”
Alexander’s smile was equally ambiguous. “I didn’t dislike it. It’s just—”
His voice trailed off, just as unclear. “Yeah.”
Now it wasn’t just vague—it was meaningless. Yeah, what?
“What do you mean, ‘yeah’?”
“Do we even need penetration between us?”
The question hit Kalix like a punch to the gut. His hand stilled on Alexander’s stomach.
“Was it that bad?”
Had he been too rough? Too careless? Should he have prepared more, done more research? He’d been so caught up in the moment, so desperate to make it good, but maybe he’d just—
“It’s not that it was bad, per se. More like… maybe we don’t need to default to penetration as the only way to be intimate.”
Kalix stared at his own hand, resting over Alexander’s abdomen. Then, slowly, he lifted his gaze.
“Is that why you’re sore?”
He’d assumed it was just muscle strain. But if Alexander’s stomach hurt, that meant—he’d hurt him. The realization struck like a blade. He hadn’t even known.
“Why didn’t you say something yesterday? If you had—”
Would he have stopped? He wanted to believe he would have. Alexander meant more to him than anything. If he’d known it hurt, of course he would’ve stopped. But maybe Alexander didn’t trust him that much. Maybe he thought Kalix wouldn’t listen.
No—before he spiraled, he needed to accept the real problem: he was the one who’d failed. He should’ve made sure Alexander never had to say it. Should’ve been gentle from the start, should’ve known—
“My fucking cum was dripping out of you top to bottom, and you’re asking me if it was bad?”
Kalix froze. The crude, almost mocking words—delivered with such detached calm—left him stunned. This had to be the influence of those terrible friends of his. Dylan would never talk like that. So it had to be Philip’s fault.
He knew most of Alexander’s friends, but not all of them. Maybe one of the unknown ones had filled his head with this kind of—
“Sasha, if you’re at my level—”
Kalix was still too shocked to speak, so Alexander continued, voice eerily smooth.
“At your level, I mean.”
My level? What did that even—
“You can’t take it all.”
Oh. That’s what he meant.
“It hurts.”
The quiet admission made Kalix’s stomach drop. “I’m sorry.”
He hadn’t known. He’d had no idea he couldn’t go all the way.
“Did it hurt a lot?”
He rubbed Alexander’s stomach gently, but Alexander tilted his chin up, forcing him to meet his eyes.
“I told you not to put it all in.”
The slight reprimand in his tone made Kalix shrink. This was his fault. He’d been too lost in the heat of the moment to listen properly, but now that he thought back—hadn’t Alexander did say something like that?
“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Kalix’s gaze dropped back to Alexander’s stomach. How far had he gone? He should’ve paid attention, should’ve measured—but he’d been too caught up to notice. So how much could he take without pain?
“Sasha… then how much can I put in?”
No answer. When he looked up, Alexander’s expression was exasperated, like he couldn’t believe he had to spell this out too.
“Did you know everything the first time?”
The question slipped out before Kalix could stop it. Alexander answered reflexively.
“I couldn’t even talk the first time.”
His voice cracked, trailing off.
“You asked.”
True. Kalix had asked.
“Are you upset?”
But at that, Kalix shook his head immediately. “I don’t care about that stuff. I’m not that petty.”
And he wasn’t. He meant it.
“I respect every experience you’ve chosen.”
He did. Alexander might not have been a virgin, but Kalix didn’t care. Alexander was two years older—of course he’d had more experiences. Kalix was certain that if it weren’t for Alexander, he never would’ve wanted any of this with anyone else, no matter how many years passed. But Alexander had lived those extra two years. That was just reality.
“I mean it.”
But Alexander didn’t look convinced.
“Sasha, I do.”
He said it again, firmer this time. Finally, Alexander sighed.
“Fine. I believe you.”
He didn’t look like he believed him. Kalix stared, searching his face.
“Sasha… you do prefer blonds, right?”
“Oh, for—” Alexander burst out laughing.
“Ah—”
The laughter must’ve pulled at his sore back, because Alexander winced, pressing a hand to his lower spine. Kalix covered it with his own.
“Still hurts?”
“No, it’s fine.”
But Kalix kept rubbing—one hand on his stomach, the other kneading his lower back. He couldn’t stand the thought of Alexander in pain.
“You’re gonna wear me out.”
That sent a real jolt of fear through him. He knew it wasn’t literally true, but Alexander’s body was already marked enough. He hesitated, then carefully rested his hands on his chest instead.
“Next time, I’ll do exactly what you say.”
He had to. Next time, he’d stay focused. Listen to every word. Never act on his own again. If Alexander said anything, he’d obey—no exceptions. He made the vow silently, and Alexander finally answered.
“Good. Next time—”
Would there even be a next time? The thought flickered through his mind, but he carefully nuzzled his hair against Alexander’s shoulder. He wanted more contact, but if it hurt him—
(To be continued in Volume 3)
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
